Pearl Condos are all going up for sale. I don’t know about you, but I’d just love a condo in the Pearl District. Yeah, whatever. You would too. Admit it. You’d be living near me, for a start. Well, that dream could be edging closer, as Pearl realtors’ inventories are ballooning like, well, like balloons! Jack Bog, who is prone to grouchiness and seems to hate anyone with higher lifestyle aspirations than “making fire in a warm cave,” and possibly, “inventing wheels for the car,” (jealous, is my guess…) is linking to this interesting Blue Oregon post (trust me, it really is interesting…), by Jensen Hagen. In July, Hagen started tracking the condos that “Buying Pearl Real Estate” had for sale on their website. At the time, there were 13 condos available in the Pearl for less than $200,000. Now, in November, there are 41. That’s an increase in reasonably priced condos of more than 300%.
Who knows why people are selling—perhaps to realize a return on the investments they made ten years ago, before the tax breaks on their properties run out or the infamous “real estate bubble” bursts. All I know is, how cool would it be to live on the twelfth floor and have a hot tub on the roof?! Maybe with a few copies of High Life magazine (Russian edition, of course) on the coffee table. Big Screen Cinema. Smoking jacket. Humidorrrrre. Beluga caviar. Big, mirrored coffee table….mgnaaa…

Whenever it gets foggy, I think of Julee Cruise. Here she is in David Lynch’s Industrial Symphony, performing “Rockin’ Back Inside My Heart.”

Measure 47’s Dan Meek has issued a statement in regards to Oregon Director of Election’s decision to not enforce any part of M47.

SECRETARY OF STATE ISSUES LETTER STATING HIS INTENT NOT TO IMPLEMENT ANY OF MEASURE 47, DESPITE ITS VICTORY AT THE POLLS

Today, the Secretary of State issued a letter stating his intent not to implement any of Measure 47, despite the fact that it was enacted by voters in the November election.

“I am not going to comment a lot on the Secretary of State’s letter, until I have a chance to discuss it with [Oregon Attorney General] Hardy Myers.”� said Dan Meek, a volunteer lawyer with FairElections Oregon. “No one in Oregon government consulted with any of the supporters of Measure 47 before issuing this letter.”�

“I disagree that the substantive provisions of Measure 47 can be disregarded. The letter assumes that all of the limits on political contributions are unconstitutional, without any judicial determination of that conclusion. The reasoning in the letter appears to be circular, and assumes the existence of a court decision on Measure 47 that does not exist,”� said Meek.

The rest of the letter’s after the cut.

Further, supporters of it can, if necessary, bring a declaratory judgment action in court so that the Oregon Supreme Court will be able to review its substantive provisions, including all of its limits on political contributions and expenditures. If the Court agrees that any of the limits are constitutional, then the entire Act takes effect, even under the circular reasoning of the letter.

"The letter appears to seek to preclude any court determination of the validity of the limits,"� noted Meek. "We believe that the 1997 Oregon Supreme Court decision (on Measure 9 of 1994) is not immune from revisiting."

The "free speech" clause of the Oregon Constitution was in 1857 copied from the Constitution of Indiana, and Indiana which has very low and strict limitations on political contributions by corporations and unions. Also, 27 other states have "free speech" clauses in their constitutions that are virtually identical to Oregon's. Each of them declares that every person has the right "to speak, write, or print freely on any subject." Some of them use the word "publish" instead of "print," but they are otherwise the same as Oregon's. Of these 28 states, all but one (New Mexico) have limits on political contributions, and no state supreme court has ruled that their constitutions preclude such limits.

In addition, the following provisions in Measure 47 do not constitute limits on political contributions and should be implemented immediately:

a. Every campaign advertisement funded by "independent expenditures" must prominently disclose the top 5 contributors to the "independent" campaign, the businesses they are engaged in, and the amounts contributed by each of them.

b. Every candidate who spends more than $5,000 of personal money on a campaign for public office must disclose in every subsequent campaign ad the amount of personal money being spent on the campaign.

c. Every contributor of $500+ per year must obtain a "handle" from the Secretary of State, so that her future contributions can be more accurately recorded.

d. The Secretary of State must "make available on the Internet in an interactive database format all contribution and expenditure reports" within 5 business days of getting the data.

e. No employer can "provide or promise any benefit or impose or threaten any detriment due to the fact that an employee or contractor did or did not make [political] contributions or expenditures." Any employee subjected to this "shall have a civil cause of action against the violator and shall, upon proof of violation, recover a civil penalty of not less than $50,000 per incident of violation."

f. Campaign contributions not used in the campaign shall revert to the State Treasury to help pay for the Voters' Pamphlet. Such funds cannot be amassed in "war chests" and then used in a subsequent election or to support or oppose some other candidate later.

the egg and piper ewan present: Pretty Girl Holiday Gift Sale all hand-crafted gifts made by local artists and designers

friday 17 november 2006 artists’ reception and sale 6-9p
saturday 18 november 2006 sale 11a-5p

the egg
534 se oak street, portland
(at se grand & 6th)

featuring local artists:
appetite hand painted textiles by erin albin
flare recycled sweaters and faith hats by faith jennings
paintings by brent wear
cyclical design jewelry fashioned from recycled belts and bicycle parts by ben milam
fashions by erin macleod
perrystar barrettes by maria perry
paintings and photographs by aaron gritzka
jennifer jane jewelry by jenn hazzard
knot ugly crochet by jen neitzel
allium jewelry by amanda horton
anne bonney knickers, bloomers and petticoats by lauren steinhardt
sweetest pea baby clothes by kirsten healey
space design orchids and centerpieces by martie accuardi
paintings by sherry dooley
salmagundia vintage jewelry from amy matteson
ecolage cards by suzin weiss
pottery for peace by romaine harris
io herbal alchemy by jewelie randall
piper ewan girly girl fashions by kirsten moore

What a gorgeous Friday it’s been! Unlike most of my coworkers, I spent the day out in the beautiful Autumn sunshine-working of course! But that’s beside the point. I want to share with you the succinct musical representation of the alternate universe I call my home…

And as we ride toward the golden hue of this evening’s spectacular sunset, let us do so while listening to my podcast, 3-Minute Limit. It’s excellent with a capital “Awesome!”.

Oy. Coppers’ Union Boss, Robert King. This is your last chance to…ANSWER YOUR PHONE!!!!You may recall last month, King told the mayor he was “calling [him] a racist” by commissioning an inquiry into racial profiling earlier this year. King refused to participate in a series of community listening sessions on the issue, preferring instead to wait until the report was written, then THROW A HISSY FIT about its contents in front of City Council and community members who had shown up to support it.

Since then, the report’s co-author, Oregon Action Director Jo Ann Bowman, has been trying to call King to arrange a meeting. “I told him he would have to pay for lunch,” she says, “because he clearly earns more money than I do.” But King, who draws a salary of THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS to be the president of the Police Union, on top of his regular Sergeant’s pay, seems to feel he has better things to do than answer phone calls from community members concerned about the behavior of the police.

Bowman has had about enough. She wants to sit down with community members and co-ordinate a broad-based communication campaign, that might target King with phonecalls, emails, letters, and visits to his office, until he agrees to talk about the issue. This is NOT SOMETHING WE WOULD EVER, EVER DO. USUALLY. But the Mercury will be proud to support such a campaign by giving out King’s cell phone number, as and when it is required. In the mean time, Robert, you can prevent all this! JUST ANSWER THE PHONE.

While Karl Lagerfield over at Chanel ruffles the feathers of some fashion elitists with his Lily Allen fascination, Miu Miu has meanwhile secured the services of Lindsay Lohan to be the new face of the line.

Is your house exploding with telephone pole posters of your favorite bands? Limited-edition Tara McPherson posters covering up every square inch of wallspace? I’ve got an event for you…
The Northwest History Network is holding a music conservation workshop this weekend. Chock-a-block with interesting discusions including, “How to Archive Paper Objects and Other Ephemera” and “What Sort of Information Should Be Included with Any Donation to a Historical Archive.” And it’s free!

What: Music Conservation Workshop
Where: Funky Door Cafe (2815 SE Holgate)
When: Saturday, November 18, 4-5 pm

More info: All ages, all styles welcome. Bring a few samples of your collection—photos, news clippings, posters, calendars, bar napkins, reel-to-reel and cassette tapes, CDs, 45 rpm and 33-1/3 rpm records, whatever. Trained historians will discuss such topics as “How to Deal with Reel-to-Reel ‘Sticky
Shed Syndrome,’” and more.

The Dutch have banned the wearing of burqas in public. An anti-Democratic restriction on the freedom of religious expression? A legitimate security measure? An attempt to rescue the roughly 50 Muslim women in Holland that do wear burqas from social isolation and misogynistic Islamic social customs?

Dutch to ban wearing of Muslim burqa in public

The Dutch government agreed on Friday a total ban on the wearing of burqas and other Muslim face veils in public, justifying the move on security grounds…. “The cabinet finds it undesirable that garments covering the face—including the burqa—should be worn in public in view of public order, (and) the security and protection of fellow citizens,” the Dutch Justice Ministry said in a statement.

The Netherlands would be the first European state to impose a countrywide ban on Islamic face coverings, though other countries have already outlawed them in specific places….

The Muslim community estimates that only about 50 women in the Netherlands wear the head-to-toe burqa or the niqab, a face veil that conceals everything but the eyes. Dutch Muslim groups have complained a burqa ban would make the country’s 1 million Muslims feel more victimized and alienated, regardless of whether they approve of burqas or not.

“This will just lead to more girls saying ‘hey I’m also going to wear a burqa as a protest’,” Naima Azough, a member of parliament from the opposition Green Left, told an election campaign meeting for fellow members of the Moroccan community.

I hate burqas. And veils. It annoys the fuck out of me when I see them in public—particularly on young girls. And it annoys when lefties talk about things like Burqa Barbie—an Islamic doll that comes with a short dress for the doll to wear inside the house and a garbage bag for her to wear outside the house—like its some triumph of tolerance.

Lest people think that she’s all about praying, there’s In-Out Razanne, whose wardrobe also includes a short, flowery dress she can wear inside the home, in view only of men in her family.

Oh, great. Dolls for little Muslim girls that reinforce the sexist crap that her religious parents are pounding into her head at home! How… delightfully… progressive.

Teaching young women that they are the property of men—so much so that only the men in her family have a right to lay eyes on her—is tantamount to child abuse. It’s sexual enslavement and it offends me deeply. Still, I think banning burqas—or Burqa Barbies—is wrong. It will, without a doubt, result in more women wearing them—some by choice, but more women will take up the burqa on orders from husbands, fathers, and brothers.

The burqa—and Burqa Barbie—should be allowed to die a natural death in the west. Any attempt to stamp it out will only prolong its life.

Behold! The latest in the Dora the Explorer line of sex toys for kids.

Muchos Gracias, GorillaMask.

No, not with us, silly! According to this item on Gawker, Anna Wintour is seeking a new assistant. Care to live out the plot of The Devil Wears Prada yourself? Just be sure to let me know how that goes.

What follows is a pretty good defense for banning all video games. Starring the internet’s newest darling, Lil’ Hitler Junior!

We’ve got an update on a story in this week’s paper. Measure 47—which limits campaign expenditures and contributions—was in limbo.

As Scott wrote:

One of lawyer/activist Dan Meek’s ballot measures—Measure 47, which bans corporate and union money and sets up a stringent set of campaign finance rules for individuals—passed with around 54 percent of the vote. But Measure 46, the constitutional amendment that actually allows M47 to exist, failed with a whopping 60 percent no vote.

And that leaves the secretary of state’s office—which is charged with enforcing the law—scratching its head, unsure which parts of the law can be enacted. Meek says that much of M47’s rules are still enforceable, like the requirements on candidates who spend more than $5,000 of their own money to disclose how much they’ve spent on every campaign ad.

Today, John Lindback, Oregon’s Director of Elections, disagreed. He sent the chief petitioners a letter, letting them know that none of M47 will go into effect, thanks to M46’s failure.

Here’s the complicated reason why: One part of M47, “Section (9)(f),” says that if the constitution isn’t amended, “this Act shall nonetheless be codified and shall become effective at the time that the Oregon Constitution is found to allow, or is amended to allow, such limitation.” In other words, M47 will hang out in state law until the constitution is amended to allow limitations on political campaign contributions and expenditures.

In the meantime, however, the state isn’t going to let bits of M47—the parts not dealing directly with limits on campaign money—go into effect:

In consultation with the Attorney General, and consistent with legal advice provided by the Attorney General, I have made the following determinations: The plain text of Section (9)(f) requires that the entire measure be codified as part of the statutory law of Oregon. That text also specifies that “this Act”—referring singularly to the entire measure—will be ineffective until such time as “the Oregon Constitution is found to allow, or is amended to allow,” limitations on campaign contributions and expenditures. Because Measure 46 was not approved by the people, the conditions required… for Measure 47 to be operative will not have been fulfilled…. Accordingly, the effect… is that no part of the measure presently is enforceable. According to the plain, natural, and ordinary meaning of the words of Section (9)(f), all of Measure 47 will remain dormant…

You can check out the rest of Lindback’s letter here.

Just because you may not ever see one of these in real life: My mom’s friend found a stray albino Whitetail fawn the other day and apparently it is kickin’ it in her house until they get it to the “rehab farm” (?!) that’s going to take care of it. (She wanted to keep it, but that’s not exactily practical. Or legal.) Anyhow, they are super duper rare, and this li’l guy is super teeny; check the size comparison with the shoe.

PS: I think we need an “animals” category on this blog.
PPS: To whoever is impersonating Matt Davis: Don’t worry about commenting that the fawn is delicious.

Continuing in the vein of interesting toilets—check out this AP story from Vienna, Austria…

Four urinals shaped like a woman’s mouth have been auctioned online for a total of more than $7,070, Austrian media reported Sunday.

The urinals, formerly located in a public toilet near Vienna’s national opera, feature thick, lipsticked lips, a set of teeth and a bright red tongue. Last month, politicians demanded their removal, calling them sexist and inappropriate.

In an online auction on eBay, the used urinals went to two bidders for a total of $7,180, the Austria Press Agency reported. The identities of the new owners have not been disclosed but APA reported that all four urinals will stay in Austria.

What would your dream toilet look like?

David Brooks, New York Times op-ed columnist, wrote an anti-Borat piece in yesterday’s NYT. (I would link to it but it’s behind the Times Select firewall.) In his column Brooks repeats what has become the conventional wisdom—indeed, John Teirney wrote a similar column in last week’s NYT—about the Borat movie: Funny, sure, but it’s unseemly when urban elites sneer at rural and southern rubes.

It’s also, as some have pointed out, bad politics. When urbanites sneer at the rubes in, say, Kansas, the rubes turn around and vote for Republicans. Why? Because Republicans pay ‘em compliments. It doesn’t seem to matter to the rubes that these same Republicans, once elected, enact fiscal and social policies that harm rural rubes and actively block programs that would help American families regardless of where they live.

It doesn’t matter to the rural rubes that Democrats, by backing programs like family leave to national health care to an increased minimum wage, demonstrate that they actually value families, and don’t just pay lip-service to “family values.” What matters to the rubes, it seems, is voting for people they want to have a beer with—even if, at the end of the legislative session, they can’t actually afford to buy a beer.

Author and journalist Brian Mann writes about this urban/rural divide in his new book Welcome to the Homeland, a book that's bracing and infuriating in roughly equal measures. Mann's book and Sam Harris' Letter to a Christian Nation, Mann's book is required reading for the fall. Buy and read both books.

Mann's book focuses on his relationship with his brother Allen. Mann's a "metro," one of those urban sophisticates. His brother—despite being raised in the same home and have similar life experiences—is a mega-church-going, straight-Republican-ticket-voting rural, uh, rube. And like so many rural rubes, Allen has a towering persecution complex. Like so many rural rubes, Mann's brother thinks the urban elite looks down at him and are hostile to him and he takes his revenge in the voting booth.

Mann's brother says he feels uncomfortable in urban areas because he's a hunter, and you know how we urbanites look down on hunters. "Living where I live I don't have to be careful about what I say," Allen says, "about my enjoyment of hunting or owning firearms, for example. Those things are really important to me." Puh-leeze. It's a fuck of a lot riskier for me to discuss the things that mean a lot to me—like, oh, sucking off my boyfriend or having a boyfriend at all—in rural America than it is for Mann's brother to discuss hunting in urban America. (You can talk about it with Brendan anytime you like, Allen—and the owner of this here urban sophisticate paper is a hunter!)

This whining, the sense of being put upon, this feeling of being oppressed—it's such bullshit. And we have a right call the Allens of the world on it, and we have a right to ridicule them for it. Because they are ridiculous.

And they're hypocrites.

In addition to walking us through just how stacked our political system is against Dems and progressives (a lot of anti-democratic elements are hard-wired into our democracy, from the Electoral College to the disproportionate representation that rural states have in the U.S. Senate), Mann pounds home the point that rubes don't like being disrespected and looked down on. But in an alarming scene in the book Mann's brother jokes with his young children about shooting liberals. Liberals, his brother maintains, are like deer. Too many of us, oughta be picked off one by one, shot. Like vermin.

Hm. Despite being a member of the urban elite—ooh, smell me!—I don't teach my kid to think of rural folks as animals, nor do I joke with him killing people like Allen and his children. I may marvel at Allen's gullibility come election time. Still, we make sure our son sees the folks we meet on our annual cross-red-America road trip as human beings, even if they refuse to see us that way.

Which brings us to something that sticks in my craw about this sneering-urban-elites vs. angry-rural-rubes thing. The rubes run around screaming their rube heads off about all the godless heathens in the cities and how we've destroyed their country—"theirs," mind you, not "ours." According to the Allens, we urbanites are a pack of latte-sipping sodomites, sophisticates, softies. We're also open America-haters and closeted Osama bin Laden fans. Unlike rubes, we have no values. No respect. No faith.

So... uh... who exactly is sneering at whom?

How come one ever calls the rubes on just how disrespectful they are of their fellow Americans? And, really, do they have a right to complain when the folks they've insulted and denigrated and refused to accept as "real" Americans for—what?—the last 40 fucking years don't hold them in the highest regard? Contemptuous and backwards, the American rube wields disproportionate, un-democractic power over all of us— they hold the country back—and yet we're the nasties when we make fun of them?

Weren't we all taught that respect is a two-way street?

I, for one, am sick of being told I have to be polite to people who insist that I'm a sinful abomination and seek to make my life miserable. I'm not one of those pansies that wants to argue with religious folks about their beliefs. Hey, the fundies think I'm going to hell—great, fine, whatever. I'm going to hell with the Catholics, the yoga instructors, the adulterers, and the atheists. Shouldn't that be enough? Eternal punishment? But somehow it's not enough for folks like Mann's brother. They have to punish me here on earth too.

At bottom it's really about respect for their values. It's about insisting that everyone adopt their values. When we say, "We hear you, homelanders, but we think you're wrong," that's makes 'em mad. That's what kills 'em. That's so insecure that they take our rejection of their oppressive, retrograde political agenda as somehow personally disrespectful—particularly of their religious beliefs. They only way to appease an Allen is to live like one. Not gonna happen.

Yes, yes: It's bad politics to be openly dismissive of the homelanders, as they wield disproportionate political power, thanks to stacked Senate and the Electoral College. But we should call the rubes on their hypocrisy, their ignorance, and their fear. And mockery is one way to do it. If it makes the Allens angry, good. Maybe the anger will make him think.

God bless Borat.

In what is either exciting or very sad news (depending on how you feel about corporate sell-outs), Rap grandpappy SNOOP DOGG has announced he’ll be debuting a new line of clothing and accessories for dogs.

The first assortment in the Snoop Dogg line-up includes a DJ Headset, Boom Box, Dogg Bone and Football, all of which are double stitched and made from durable plush and ballistic fabrics for safe and fun play for dogs. From a Boom Box and Doberman Plush Toy that play bona fide sound clips of Snoop Dogg himself, to a Canvas Bone with a squeaker, Snoop Dogg toys keep dogs and their hip hop loving owners grooving together. Suggested retail prices range from $5.99-$8.99.

The Snoop Dogg clothing assortment from JPI Pets launching on Amazon.com personifies the iconic rapper’s style with a hip hop and urban feel. Styles in the first assortment include a Snoop Dogg doggie Basketball Jersey, animal print Faux Fur Coat and a Doggfather Hoodie Sweatshirt. Suggested retail price range from $12.99-$24.99.

Snoop Dogg says about his new pet products line, “Go get some quick, dogg-gone-it! ‘Cuz Snoop Dogg said so. Bow Wow!”

Umm”¦ I really, really doubt he said that. Ugh.

Just in time for the discussion forums at OryCon 28, scientists have developed an intuitive starfish-like robot that can actually adjust its movement to compensate for injury just like real animals do. According to Researcher Hod Lipson of Cornell University:

We don’t really think this is self-consciousness, which is a robot thinking about itself thinking, but I do think it is moving in the direction of consciousness, like a cat, that kind of level.

And a strangely compelling video of the beast flopping around, or rather, figuring out how not to flop around-even while injured.

In my half-decade (!) of working here at the Merc, I’ve been downright rude in my attempts to convert people to the music of The Pernice Brothers. For that, I am sorry. But to attend the band’s rare performances here in town, and see a mostly empty room, is heartbreaking to me. So, once again, here is my plea: Listen to The Pernice Brothers, and see them live tonight at The Doug Fir.

If you need some quick reference, think Morrissey, but without the whole gayish Anglophile thing.
If you need an MP3, listen to “Somerville” here.
Whatever you are doing tonight, it’s not going to be better than this.

Blazers forward Zach Randolph is publicly fighting his second lawsuit in a week this morning, this time for $300,000, over allegations he harassed and intimidated a man who “snitched” on his former teammate Qyntel Woods about dog-fighting, according to the Tribune.

The Trib’s story paints a picture of what it describes as Randolph’s “”gangsta” ethic’”, linking to a Myspace page making frequent references to Randolph’s “Hoop Family” and showing a picture of Randolph standing with a friend beside a low-rider. And stacks of cash:RANDOLPH’S WEDGE: About to get smaller.

The Trib’s story tops off a BUM WEEK for the Blazer, who is already facing a $2m lawsuit by an un-named woman, alleging two counts of unwanted anal penetration and straight-up rape.

What piece of free schwag were all the celebs (and especially LINDSAY LOHAN) fighting for backstage at the recent World Music Awards?
THE FISH ‘N’ FLUSH.

That’s right. Actual fish swimming around in your toilet (just like they do in the Willamette River. Ba-dum-DUM!). According to the Fish ‘n’ Flush site, here are some further reasons to purchase a toilet fishbowl.

Why Choose Fish ‘n Flush?

“¢ Maximize Space
“¢ Entertainment
“¢ Excitement
“¢ Easy to Install
“¢ Easy to Maintain
“¢ Motivation for Potty Training

Ah. Now I see why Lindsay wanted it so bad. Ba-dum-DUM!

Tonight, the Blazers play those once great, now not so good, Boston Celtics. I’m going to do my best to highlight certain elements of each team the Red & Black play this year, so I present you with the Celtics Dancers.

A little PG-13 rated booty-shaking is not uncommon in all major sports (except baseball), yet the Celtics (who have been around since 1946) held out on the T&A until this year. No word if there has been a peak in attendance due to the dancing skills of these ladies in green, but I’m sure ex-Blazer Sebastian Telfair loves them all. If you want to find out more about Emily, pictured above, you can read her rambling “diary” right here. Or just take a handful of Ambien, it’s the same result.

Commissioner Randy Leonard has written a response to Jay Barber, president of Warner Pacific College, who is miffed that city council has upended the college’s plan to buy land on Mt. Tabor. Earlier today, Barber released a letter on the public, vaguely threatening to leave Portland if the college isn’t allowed to buy—or at the very least lease—the land.

Here’s what Leonard had to say:

Mr. Barber- Thank you for your email (below)regarding your desire to purchase part of the Mt. Tabor park property. I want to make clear that this response by me in no way represents any other member of the Portland City Council’s position, including Commissioner Dan Saltzman.

I am disappointed by some of your statements in your email.

When we met in my office last month, you did not disclose to me that you had signed a Memorandum of Agreement between yourself and the Bureau of Parks Director, Zari Santner. Included in that signed Memorandum were items dictating very specific conditions and timelines for the execution of a purchase agreement on the property.

For you to characterize those points in the Memorandum you signed as “exploratory” is disingenuous. Clearly, there was an intent by both parties to consummate a deal to sell the property to Warner Pacific by November 16, 2006…an agreement signed by you with absolutely no community involvement.

I am sorry you were lead to believe by anyone within the City of Portland that the Mt. Tabor property could potentially be sold to Warner Pacific College. At least part of the property you were interested in buying is owned by the Portland Water Bureau. Had I known that you were making inquiries to purchase property that included Portland Water Bureau property, I would have made sure your future development plans should not be preconditioned on you either purchasing or leasing any part of the property in question owned by the Portland Water Bureau.

I am happy to provide you and Warner Pacific College with any assistance you need in developing a capital improvement plan within your existing boundaries. I am committed to working with you in a creative way to help you achieve your future development goals on your current site. However, to be clear, I am not supportive of selling or leasing any of the Mt. Tabor Park property to any entity under any conditions.

Thank you.
Commissioner Randy Leonard

Nicky USA, purveyors of fine Pig’s Heads and the like, is now selling genuine goose foie gras, according to the Food Dude.

Until now, the only stuff you’ve been able to get in this country has been duck foie gras—by all accounts, a veinier cousin to the goosey kind. Goose foie, unlike duck, is also “extracted” from the bird the morning after slaughter, which apparently makes it less likely to disintegrate in the pan, so less is lost in cooking. At a mere, trifling $90 a pound, and with each liver coming in at around 1.5lbs, I’m seriously thinking about getting one for thanksgiving.

Superchef Thomas Keller of California-based French Laundry has already ordered a hundred, apparently.

Gays and lesbians no longer sick—like mentally ill sick—more sick like bedwetter sick. So says the U.S. Military.

Also, only SF tops Seattle in percentage of gay and lesbian residents.

The study reports found that 12.9 percent of Seattle residents—roughly 57,900 people—identified themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual. In San Francisco, 15.4 percent of residents identified themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Portland comes in sixth—after Atlanta, Minneapolis, Boston, Oakland, and Sacramento—with 12.1%.

For those keeping up with the latest rap beefs, JAY-Z is still bent out of shape after being “greased” by Dipset members Cam’ron and JIM JONES (apparently for insinuating that the shine has left the diamond in regards to Hova’s Roc-a-Fella label)—and while many expected Jay-Z to remain above the fray, the new leaked single “Brooklyn High” says otherwise, in which Jay seems all to eager to hurt Jim’s feelings. I wish they could get along.
LISTEN TO IT HERE.

Tip o’ the hat to Nah Right.

The good news: According to the US Department of Agriculture, Americans will never go hungry again. The bad news: A surprisingly large number of Americans will still suffer from “very low food security.” That used to be called “hunger,” but the USDA decided that didn’t quite have the ring to it that “insecure” does.

The USDA released its annual report, which shows that 35 million people reported that they had trouble putting food on their children during at least some point last year. But they weren’t hungry, see. Their food security was just very low.

The name change hasn’t gone over well. From the Washington Post:

“The proposal to remove the word ‘hunger’ from our official reports is a huge disservice to the millions of Americans who struggle daily to feed themselves and their families,” said David Beckmann, president of Bread for the World, an anti-hunger advocacy group. “We … cannot hide the reality of hunger among our citizens.”

(Ahem—remember the Healthy Forests Initiative, which chopped down forests? And the Clear Skies Initiative, which stopped enforcement of companies that pollute? It’s just a little game the Bush Administration likes to play.)

In actual good news for Oregon, our rate of low food security has dropped in the last ten years. From 1996-98, the rate was 14.2 percent—from 2003 to 2005, that figure was 11.9 percent, according to the Oregon Hunger Relief Task Force.

In 1996-98, Oregon had the highest rate in the country for people who were veeeeery hungry (very low food security) at 6 percent. The latest numbers are 3.9 percent. And that’s great, unless you’re one of the 142,000 Oregonians still in that category.

If you’re interested in MIKE TYSON becoming your own personal stud“¦ well”¦ read on.

It’s your lucky day, ladies… Former boxer Mike Tyson has a great new gig: He has agreed to be a male escort at legendary Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss’ new legalized brothel (for female clients). Fleiss has bought 60 acres of land in Nevada and construction is scheduled to begin on “Heidi’s Stud Farm.” She apparently has high hopes for Tyson, once heavyweight champion of the world, despite the teensy fact that he’s a convicted rapist. Heidi says, “I told him, “˜You’re going to be my big stallion.’ “It’s every man’s fear that their girlfriend will go for Mike Tyson.” Tyson adds, “I don’t care what any man says, it’s every man’s dream to please every woman — and get paid for it.”

If the contents of your stomach are still in place”¦ discuss.

Tip o’ the ear to Amy Kate!

This week, I reviewed George W. Bush’s new unauthorized autobiography, Destined For Destiny.

Here’s what I failed to mention in the review: One of the book’s most redeeming elements is the large photo section, which tells the story of Bush’s money-drenched rise through the hard-scrabble oil fields of Texas, to his failed business and political adventures, to the births of his towheaded daughters, and finally to his position as our bumbling, moronic commander in chief.

Luckily, the publishers of the book have created an inspirational slideshow of those photos, which you can peep by clicking the photo below.

“I’m a pretty cute girl. That’s like sending me out to be raped.” —a woman on the editorial staff protested, when Wm. Steven Humphrey urged her to attend the upcoming sci-fi fair (with a videocamera, no less).

Discuss.

(Dear god, now he’s asking me to go!)

Last week, City Commissioners Dan Saltzman and Randy Leonard decided that a sale of the Mt. Tabor parks maintenance yard to the neighboring Christian college Warner Pacific was—like turkey at a vegan Thanksgiving—off the table. In response, Warner’s president, Jay Barber, has written a letter in an attempt to set the record straight—and to hint that if they don’t get their way, they may just up and leave the city.

The Parks and Recreation Bureau entered into a memorandum of understanding with the college in August, giving Warner first dibs on the land if the bureau opted to sell it. That enraged Mt. Tabor neighbors and others who claimed that the deal happened without enough “process”—under duress from the public, Saltzman pulled the plug on the plan.

But Barber says he didn’t find out about it from the city—instead, he found out indirectly, when a neighbor forwarded a letter from Saltzman saying the deal was dead. The point of Barber’s letter, ostensibly, was to argue that Warner has been open and forthcoming about the whole process, even including neighborhood input in the plan.

Beyond that, Barber hints that if the city doesn’t go with a possible Plan B—a long-term lease of the land to the college—Warner Pacific may be going away.

It is Warner Pacific’s preference to remain at its current location. However, it is imperative that we expand to accommodate the facilities and amenities that will make the college competitive. In order to maintain viability in today’s competitive private higher education market, WP must grow to a level of 1200 traditional 4-year undergraduate students. Current enrollment is around 350 students. WPC would like to build multi-purpose athletics and recreation fields and facilities. These new facilities would be available for community use as is the current policy with all our facilities. (Our facilities are already utilized by the public up to 30 hours a week).

If Warner Pacific is not able to expand its current campus, the college will have to take a hard look at other options, one of which may include relocating the campus outside of Portland.

It’s difficult to imagine most Portlanders losing any sleep over the loss of a small Christian college, but here’s the word from Saltzman’s office: The land is zoned for high-density residential use. If the college goes, there are few options for filling its space—assuming the land isn’t rezoned. Think condos and apartments. Music to the ears of people who value density, maybe not so much to the neighbors.

Update: It looks like some of the neighbors already see the writing on the wall, and aren’t shedding a tear over Warner’s potential exit. In fact, they’re making plans for what will go into the space. From the South Tabor Neighborhood Association email list: “WPC said that if they cannot grow in their existing Mt Tabor campus that they will move. If and when they do relocate, then we will have a new issue to deal with—the new owners and their development plans. It is not too soon to consider to what comes next at the WPC site.”

In other words, don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

As a guy whose nickname is Jewbacca, it’s no surprise that I love me some facial hair. Thankfully The Mercury knows this and has generously sponsored my goal to enter the World Beard and Moustache Championships in Anchorage, Alaska. It’s not until March 2009, so I have plenty of time to start growing my facial masterpiece, wish me luck Portland!

The helping-the-homeless debate rages on, this time in response to a letter in this week’s paper, which had this to say about a new, kinder Sit-Lie Ordinance: “I live in Old Town and it is a pile of filth—I take the train to work so I don’t have to walk by the public nuisance that is Skidmore Fountain… Don’t beat around the bush for fear of looking harsh—most of us are tired of people pissing on our doorsteps and rummaging through our trash.”

From: Tiffany

Subject: What a jerk

In reference to Spencer Bailey’s brilliant contribution on the topic of homelessness…

Disregarding the fact that Spence is a raging asshole, I’m still struggling with the epic scope of his ignorance and inhumanity in general. By all means, lets enact draconian measures against the homeless so that people quit pissing on Spence’s stairs. I’m sure the folks who suddenly find their own steps awash in golden showers will think that is a fucking brilliant solution, because you see, Spence, that ill concieved ordinance does nothing to address the root causes of homelessness. All of those people just get shuffled along somewhere down the road a piece. But hey, as long as Spence is happy, right? Why don’t you quit wasting my air with your blather and get connected to the issues. Stupid slag-wanker.

Touché.

This dude from Eugene made a rubber band ball so huge OfficeMax decided to sponsor him.

How huge? He’ll likely break the world record for such a feat, surpassing the previous record of 3120 pounds.

If there is a message here it is buried deep deep within the ball. Near the core.

From Boing Boing

Carly Smolak, who describes herself as a jaded Portlander, semi-expatriated, has just sent this touching little poem in. Verses three, five and seven chimed a cord. And poets: please don’t start submitting more poetry en masse. This isn’t fucking Streetroots, m’kay?

Portland
By Carly Smolak

I grew up in a land
Far, far to the north
The trees are tall,
The grass is green
Roses are beckoned forth

The rent, it is so low
The beer and wine divine
It loves the hippie, the liberal the homo
So why is it I whine?

Because Portland’s a rainy shithole
For nine months out of the year
No matter how many bike lanes there are
I just sleep and drink lots of beer

For eighteen years I was soaked
And vitamin D deprived
For much of it denied the drink
How was it that I survived?

Elliott Smith was not so lucky
Stabbed himself right through the chest
He was dark and depressed
And living in Portland
I needn’t explain the rest

I know it’s all the rage
To be skinny and pasty and cool
And to care about more important things
Than the clouds’ incessant drool
And all the no-assed boys
From SF, Brooklyn, and beyond
Are flocking in droves of tight jeans
To this overrated pond

So don’t tell me why Portland is “cool”
I know what you’re going to say
But you’re the sucker who moved here in summer
And now you’re going to pay.

If throwing back a few with the kids at Drinking Liberally isn’t your style, may I suggest hopping down to the Low Brow Lounge to help Backline celebrate two years of supporting women—and their families and friends—through pregnancy, abortion, adoption, and parenting, via their toll free talk line. This is one rad organization: Their vision is “a society in which pregnancy options are discussed with openness, honesty, and the deepest respect for reproductive justice.”

Yay! Here’s a fun and new WEIRD AL video from the awesome animators at JibJab, wherein Al parodies the commander of the “Soul Patrol,” American Idol winner TAYLOR HICKS. In this outing, Al asks the musical question, “Do I Creep You Out?” The answer is yes. But not nearly as much as the real Taylor Hicks.

We just received a little missive from a reader in response to an article Matt Davis wrote earlier this month about the SAFE Committee’s plans to get homeless people off the streets (“SAFE-Ing Grace: Mayor’s SAFE Committee Could Work, After All”).

One of the committee’s ideas—in exchange for reenacting the Sit-Lie Ordinance—would be to allow people to sleep in parks after hours. Not everyone is a fan of this idea:

The committee even suggested the council “evaluate the feasibility of implementing a sleep pilot project… in coordination with parks bureau and police,” to look at opportunities for homeless people to sleep safely and legally in Portland’s parks.

Since when is camping out in public parks something to be encouraged? Why don’t we start using the atrium at Pioneer Place Mall as a soup kitchen, maybe start running needle exchange programs out of school playgrounds? Do I have to put up with this crap because I am a “liberalâ€�?

Actually, you have to put up with this “crap” because you’re a human being living in a complicated world—one in which those of us who are relatively comfortable can reasonably expect to be slightly inconvenienced in order to help out those who are on the margins.

Scratch that answer. Wm. Steven Humphrey said it far more eloquently: “This guy is a DICK. What fucking difference does it make to him if homeless people sleep in parks? He’s not going to parks at night except for perhaps an in-the-bush blowjob.”

This is only filed under “Misc” because we don’t have any tags for “Magical,” and “Amazing,” or “Check Out My Mad Foldin’ Skillz, Assface.”

Tonight’s “the Drinking Liberally meeting you’ve been waiting for your whole life! (Or at least it must feel that way!)”

Drinking Liberally’s a group of lefties/progressives/liberals who get together—every first and third Thursday, in Portland—to drink and talk politics. There are 172 chapters in 42 states, which has grown from the first chapter’s inaugural event in May 2003. According to one chapter leader, “it can be said that our country started in a bar, and we’ll take it back from a bar.”

Well, after last week’s election, our country’s been taken back (at least partway). And it’s time to celebrate!

Join us this Thursday, November 16th, at 7pm—a mere 795 days until Bush finally leaves office!—at the Lucky Lab brewpub, SE 9th and Hawthorne. BRING A TOAST TO CELEBRATE the Democratic victories, both in Oregon and at the national level. A lot of people made last week’s success possible, so during the evening, everyone will get the chance to lead us in a toast to any of the many individuals and groups who deserve recognition. Toast your favorite candidate, your favorite measure—or mock your favorite loser! Here are some samples to get your creative juices flowing:

A TOAST - to everyone who got their ballots in on time!
A TOAST - to Rob Brading, who just barely missed defeating the dreadful Karen Minnis, but forced her to spend $1 million to win by 700 votes!
A TOAST - to the defeat of Ballot Measure 43!
A TOAST - to George Bush, for campaigning with all those Republican candidates and bring them down with him!
… and so on. Make up your own toasts and bring them! (We’ll bring some too, just to sweeten the pot.)

We’ve all waited and worked a long time for this Thursday night—come and join the fun!

See you this Thursday. (And remember: DL encourages everyone to drink, and vote, responsibly.)

best,

Bill Nothstine
James Riddle
Nicole Vanderhoof

The Phase One: Words + Music series recently moved from Towne Lounge to the Someday Lounge (1215 NW 5th between Couch & Davis), and from all reports, the move made the already-awesome event even better. Tonight, circus leader Garett Strickland leads a pretty sweet looking line-up of local writers and musicians that definitely warrant a trip to old Chinatown.

There’s Jonathan Raymond, who wrote the killer novel The Half-Life as well as the story and screenplay for Old Joy, one of the year’s best films. Then there’s Kassten Alsonso, whose debut novel Core: a Romance was nomiated for the OR Book Award last year. Arrington De Dionysio, he of Old Time Relijun, will be on hand to astound your collective asses with his exerimental throatsinging madness. Kevin Sampsell who might be the most tireless lit scenester/writer in Portland today will read from one of his hundreds of projects curently in the fire. Grand Junction Grand Therapy bills itself as “an homage to Donahue and the shoulder rubbing love of Motel Williams,” and Modernstate is going to bring the whole thing home with their “no laptop here” musical stylins. All this for five bucks, you say? You’re damn skippy. Festivities start at 8 pm.

British Vogue is 90 this year. Check out their first cover ever, from 1916:

That’s one of 90 covers the magazine has selected as favorites in their online gallery mapping the history if the publication, including old-timey quotes of dated fashion advice like this, from May of 1918:

As almost everyone nowadays is marrying as well as dressing on a war income, the war bride will probably turn first to pages 56 and 57, where the problem is discussed in all its delightful details. Nothing, you see, goes to the head quite so quickly and completely as a prospective wedding, and no single event in life provides so many temptations to extravagance. An adequate trousseau may, and should be, as seductive as you please. No easy matter this as her wedding is the great event in a girls’ life, and no less so if she is marrying in haste without an opportunity to shop at leisure.

Other highlights are moments from the 60s:

Here’s your weekly reminder to drop by our Mercury Podcast page and check out this week’s edition of HUMPY’S SOUL SHOW, in which I explore the more soulful renditions of the songs of BURT BACHARACH. It’s hot ‘n’ juicy, so don’t miss it.
Now, on a related note, whenever I post these reminders, I also post a hot original video of a featured perfomer from Humpy’s Soul Show—BUT NOT THIS TIME. Because, while looking for Bacharach videos, I stumbled on to the following awesome performer singing “I’ll Never Fall in Love Again.” Even while he hilariously slaughters this classic, he also captures the inherent sadness in this buoyantly poppy song. Behold. A misunderstood genius if there ever was one.

People can say what they like about “peer pressure” and “jeopardizing your future”—but shoplifting is cool, kids. In fact, if you shoplift RIGHT NOW, there’s a strong likelihood Winona Rider (shoplifter of coolness, extraordinaire) will let you get into her bath!But fuck that “bathing with Winona Rider” shit. She only steals the odd pair of socks. A bra, perhaps. Mmmmm. Maybe one day, if you practice hard enough, you’ll be cool enough to steal $15,000 worth of clothes in one day, on a mad rampage from LA to Portland, like uber-shoplifters Carlos Alfredo Estrada Aldana and Karla Gonzales Ruiz—arrested yesterday morning in a motel on 97th and Stark, after stopping at a series of malls in Eugene and Portland on their way through Oregon.

Cops recovered cool clothes, not like those ropey threads you’re wearing, from: Abercrombie and Fitch, Van Heusen, American Eagle, J Crew, Disney Store, Banana Republic, Aerie, Hollister, Izod, Aeropostale, Limited Too, Calvin Klein, Bass and Co. ,Gap, Tommy Hilfiger, and Ralph Lauren. From the cops:

Officers also located dozens of magnetic security tags that had been removed from clothing, as well as the metal hook tools utilized for removing these security tags. Officers also found a “booster bag”, which is an item that shoplifters commonly use to defeat the security tag sensor machines. Multiple shopping bags were also located from many of the stores that these items had been stolen from.

There’s a new development in the PlayStation 3 craze—people are hiring the homeless to stand in line at stores to ensure they get the gaming system. For $100 an hour, that’s not such a bad deal. In fact, I’m starting to feel ripped off a little bit. I’m going to be standing in line for three hours this Sunday in my attempts to get a Nintendo Wii, but I’m not making $300 doing so.

Via Kotaku.

From a whole bunch of blogs:

This just proves that if you know the email address of Lemmy from Motorhead, all sorts of great things can happen. The manager of the Greenbank under-10s B football (or “soccer,” to us Yanks) team was able to get old pal Lemmy and Motorhead to sponsor his kid’s team. Now the team wears cute little Motorhead shirts and they run around the field while “Ace of Spades” is played. Seriously.

In an incredible upset that turned out to be not the least bit upsetting, football legend EMMITT SMITH beat out Saved by the Bell’s MARIO LOPEZ in last night’s Dancing with the Stars finale. This is of minor importance, because everyone thought the final two would be Mario and Blossom’s JOEY LAWRENCE, and yet Emmitt came from behind to defeat two far superior dancers pretty much only because the TV audience liked him better.
THAT AIN’T RIGHT, AND YET?

I STILL CAN’T SEEM TO CARE. So much for my “willing suspensiion of disbelief” in reality television.

In a related story, HEY GAY PEOPLE! LOOK AT THIS!

Holy shit. Holy shit. This blog post was going to be just a really basic “Hey, there’s a science fiction convention happening this weekend!” thing, but… holy shit. Despite my geekdom, I’ve never been to OryCon, “Portland’s Premier Science Fiction/Fantasy Convention.” OryCon 28 goes down this weekend, Friday-Sunday at the Portland Marriott Downtown Waterfront. So I, ever the interested geek, got on the official site, figuring I’d see what was going down.

Now, let me preface: I’ve seen a lot of geeky stuff in my lifetime. I read comics. I play videogames. I camped out for Star Wars. But I took one look at the panels and discussions that they’re having at OryCon and I was, frankly, astonished. I think you’ll see why after you look at this (partial!) list of some of the programming at this year’s OryCon. I swear to Christ I’m not making any of these up.

• Use The Force Harry
• The Effects of Space Travel on Earth Religions
• The Magic City of Unbelievable
• Buffy Karaoke
• Klingon Karaoke
• Christian Fandom
• Hobbit Country Dance
• Role-Playing Game Design and Publication 101
• Anatomy of Fantastical Creatures
• Polygamy VS. Polyamory: Is There a Difference? [Wait… what?]
• MCSI - Magical Crime Scene Investigation
• What is a Furry?
• Dressing Your Inner Pirate
• MMORPG D&D on Steroids?
• Should We Clone Jesus? What About Lincoln?
• Midnight Erotica Readings
• Archery for Authors [Okay, I know I said this already, but… what?]
• Filk 101 - Teach Me a Song [No. Seriously. What the fuck?]
• Flirting 101 [I’m not even going to make a joke, here. I just can’t]

I never thought I’d say it, but goddamn: Looks like there’s something that’s so geeky even I can’t bring myself to go to it. Anyone out there going?

(Post-script: Um… no to Jesus. Yes to Lincoln. But only if we can replace his puny human arms with machine guns or something. And if we give him a rocketpack.)

James Fucking Bond Rules!!!! Erik, who went last week to a preview screening, says the new film is “awesome”. Even the QUEEN fancies Daniel Craig. What more reason could you need to get tickets for Friday???

A woman named Karin just wrote in to tell us about three dogs she and some friends of hers just brought back from New Orleans:

Indiana (“Boxer/Beagle mix, was on the street for nearly a year before they were able to catch him. He’s the nicest little old guy!”)

Nadine (“Dalmation/Pit mix & so very sweet! Loves to lay in your lap & have her tummy rubbed. She was found on the streets after the hurricane & has been in the shelter system ever since.”)

and Isabella (“Rat Terrier/Jack Russell, is very cute & was released by her owners after they lost their home.”)

All are available for adoption through Family Dogs New Life.

I’ve never enjoyed airplanes—too paranoid about crashes and bombs and terrorists and cooties to ever “sit back, relax, and enjoy the flightâ€�—but I have reconciled myself to airports. I’ve actually come to enjoy airports. I look at it this way: When you’re in an airport, you’re not on an airplane. You survived the flight or you have yet to board—either way, the airport is preferable to the airplane in every possible way.

Not only can you get up and walk around, you can have yourself a drink (I’m a regular at a bar in the Minneapolis airport), surf the web, work, and watch people. But most importantly, again, when I’m in the airport and not in the air… I don’t have to stress out about my imminent demise. My head isn’t flooded by mental images of planes exploding or breaking into pieces (thanks, Lost). When I’m on the ground, I’m not thinking about my death.

Until yesterday, when I had to get to the “Câ€� gates at Detroit’s airport. Look at this picture…

It’s a long, dark hallway, with diffuse and moody blue lighting. Oh, and there’s a soundtrack: spooky, ethereal, wind-chimey music. And all you have to do to get to your gate… is…

Walk toward the light.

Christ Almighty. I like Detroit’s airport—it’s nothing like Detroit proper—I try to schedule layovers here to break up long flights to the East Coast. (Yes, yes: the most dangerous parts of a flight are the takeoffs and landings, and by breaking my trips up I’m actually putting myself in greater danger. I never said my fear of flying was rationale.) But no more “C” gate flights from Detroit again. Ever.

I mean, whose bright idea was it to simulate of a near-death experience for passengers about to board an aircraft?

One of the last items on this morning’s city council agenda was approving a settlement between the Portland Police Bureau, the police union, and Richard Barton, a fired cop. When the assistant city attorney presented the settlement, a palpable stiffening happened on the dais.

Barton was one of the officers involved in the shooting death of Nathan Thomas, the 12-year-old who was being held by an assailant but was killed by police bullets. That happened in 1992, when Mayor Potter was the police chief. In 2000, Barton was investigated for recording overtime hours that he never actually worked in a series of Old Town drug stings. The day before he was about to be fired, Barton filed for disability, claiming “stress” from the Thomas shooting.

Though technically terminated from the force, Barton remained on the disability roll through 2005. Last September, council voted 3-2 to reject a settlement in the case, which would reinstate Barton and the 1,917 hours of sick leave he’d accrued (that’s worth about $38,000).

But this time, city council was ready to be rid of the case all together. Holding their noses, they voted 4-0 to reinstate the sick hours, but only because the terms of the settlement said that Barton and the union would drop all claims, and Barton would never again wear the uniform of a cop or pursue employment at the city. Commissioner Sam Adams, who voted last year against a settlement, said the only reason he was voting yes was to save taxpayers the cost of arbitration.

Later, Commissioner Randy Leonard said, “Although I do not feel real good about the settlement, the entire council did conclude that it was cheaper by far than the legal fees and uncertainty of a protracted legal fight. The settlement is, in my opinion, in the best interest of Portland’s citizens.”

Police union head Robert King was seen (in police uniform) milling around earlier in the meeting, chatting with Chief Rosie Sizer at one point. But then, when the settlement came up for discussion, Potter announced that King was available for questions from the council—except that he wasn’t. He’d apparently already left.

A Blogtown post last week got 52 comments!!! Sadly, many of those comments appear to have been made by out-and-out nutters. I’m. Not. Getting. Into. It.

The short is that the Mercury stands for our first amendment, and if I get info I will post it here. ha! **** is a cesspool. Keep it there. Last I read from that site, there was a direct personal attack on a person from the Mercury and the Mercury itself. I found it most troubling. ********* has been taken by a group of fanatical left wing liberals who do not respect anyone who does not agree with their “standard of belief’s”.”

thanks, Jim

And now… a BLUSTERY STORM 2006 weather update from the Mercury Severe Weather Desk/Station……
This just in from the KGW severe weather desk/station……

A new storm bringing high winds and heavy rain began moving into the Oregon Coast and the Portland area Wednesday.

Apparently, God—if there is one—got very angry about my previous BLUSTERY STORM 2006 severe weather updates… primarily because I blamed Him for knocking over my garbage can… because a very blustery storm indeed is headed toward us, even as I type this. If you know what’s good for you, put your garbage can lids on tight, and perhaps store it in your garage. Because God is really pissed right now, and there’s no telling what He might do.

Stay tuned for more BLUSTERY STORM 2006 updates from the Mercury Severe Weather Desk/Station!

Satellite imagery of the storm currently over Portland. Courtesy: Mercury Doppler Radar Machine.

Check out this video clip from Style.com of Milla Jovovich and her co-designer for the Jovovich-Hawk line, Carmen Hawk (current contenders for the CFDA/Vogue Fashion Fund), just jammin’ with a ukele.

In what will probably be the most fascinating waste of six minutes you’ve had all day, please check out this clip of a new Japanese show called “Chimpanzee News Channel.” I’m not sure how that monkey does what he does, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of it. Added features: A camel sidekick by the name of Pierre, and a violent ape that rides a bicycle. THIS IS NOW MY FAVORITE SHOW OF ALL TIME.

According to Bike Portland, the cops are discontinuing their free bike light program. Traffic division officers currently give a bike light to anyone they stop for violating the law (which requires a front light and a rear reflector), something they’ve been doing for a little over a year.

Jonathan at Bike Portland writes:

Unfortunately, I’ve just gotten word that the PPB does not plan to continue this program after their remaining 50 sets of lights are given out.

I called Lieutenant Mark Kruger (2nd in command at the Traffic Division) this morning and asked why. He said,

“It was always approached as a one-time program…it had to have an end date. We think cyclists have had an exceptional opportunity to learn compliance with this law and after we run out of lights it will again be their own responsibility to have the required equipment.â€�

It used to be Abu Ghraib. Now this is what’s probably going to be flickering through my head every time I see one of those yellow “Support Our Troops” magnets.

US soldier admits Iraq girl rape

A US Army soldier has pleaded guilty to raping a 14-year-old Iraqi girl and helping murder her and her family.

James Barker agreed to the plea deal at the start of his court-martial in the US to avoid the death penalty, his civilian lawyer said.

A criminal investigation began in June into the killing of the family of four in their home in Mahmudiya, south of Baghdad, in March 2006.

Specialist Barker is one of four US soldiers charged with murder.

They are alleged to have helped a former private - who has since been discharged from the army - to plan, carry out and cover up the attack.

This life-affirming news that in no way makes you want to give up on life and hate everything about humanity comes courtesy of those cheery limeys at BBC News.

Sportsblog Withleather has been doing a little Zach Randolph photoshopping. I like this, a lot:

I somehow got subscribed to one of those health nut email lists that sends out a tip every day, like how you should eat gobs of sunflower seeds and that cherry juice relieves sore muscles. The last one I got gave me an update of how much time passes before various benefits of quitting smoking kick in. I am in between the period of time when you are supposed to be less vulnerable to colds but have to hold out for the wrinkles I supposedly have from smoking (honestly, it was only for, like, 12 years?!) to be comepletely invisible. Anyhow, then I bopped over to one of my favorite blogs, The Sartorialist, and saw this:

The Sart was sort of apologetic about showing a smoker’s picture, and insisted he’s been attracted to the subject because of his hair, not the cig. I’ve always thought smoking looked pretty cool. I mean, anyone who tells you there’s a different reason for why they ever started is almost positively lying. I kind of like the beautiful face pictured with something that works against beauty, capturing a fleeting moment of youthful… what they like to refer to as “rebellion.” A very casual dance with premature aging, if not death. More sexy smokers after the break.

For those few who were starting to feel a wee bit sorry for K.Fed after receiving last week’s dumpage from Britney, check out this little “love note” Kevin scrawled on a shower door at a recent gig in Chicago:

Obviously, K.Fed could use some penmanship lessons, so for those who find it hard to read, it says:

Today I’m a free man
Ladies look out
Fuck a wife
Give me my kids Bitch!
—Kevin Federline

Sigh… what a dreamboat! He’s like the Cyrano De Bergerac of misogynistic lazy untalented creeps.

Delicious news: Pix Patisserie has officially taken over the Bar Pastiche space on Hawthorne. Now I don’t have to walk alllll the way over to Division for ice cream (I don’t care if it’s winter. Pix has wonderful ice cream and I will defy the weather and eat it all year round). Bar Pastiche was good but always seemed to be empty when I walked by, so hopefully this will prove a more productive use of that space.

Oh my goodness…It’s a new Pix! Pix is pleased to announce the opening of its third location at 3731 SE Hawthorne Blvd. Pix has taken over the old Bar Pastiche space, brightened it up, and filled it with scrumptious desserts, luscious dessert wines, and a great selection of beers. We even kept a small selection of tapas that we like to call the “amuses bouches.â€� Stop by in the morning for a cup of Victrola coffee and a $2.50 slice of French toast, or mosey on over in the wee hours for a late night chocolate fix.

Pix Hawthorne
3731 SE Hawthorne Blvd
503.236.4760

SUN – THURS: 10AM – Midnight
FRI & SAT: 10AM – 2AM

More press release/menu stuff after the jump

Thanksgiving Treats
Turkey is fine and all but the real star of your feast should be the
dessert! Try an Icabod Crème Tart paired with a bottle of Pineau des
Charentes for a fantastic finale. Pix on SE Division will be open for
special order pick-ups from 9AM-Noon on Thanksgiving morning. Place your
orders soon! See complete menu below. Pix SE Division 503.232.4407

THE VERY EXTRA SPECIAL THANKSGIVING MENU...
-Winter Macaroons ~ Moist French almond macaroons made with ground almonds
(no coconut here!) Assortment of Chocolate Cinnamon, Whisky, Cranberry, &
Maple Walnut Dozen... $15

-Ichabod Crème ~ A crisp crust filled with spiced almond cream and pecans,
golden caramel, and topped off with a pumpkin crème brûlée. 7� tart...
$30 *Serve with Pineau des Charentes!

-Porto Fig Tart ~ Shiny glazed chocolate mousse surrounded by port-soaked
figs on top; a crisp tart shell holding chocolate ganache, more figs, and
a chocolate flourless sponge soaked with port on the bottom. *Serve with
Sollucchero! 7� tart...$30

-Pear Rosemary Tart ~Cashew cream and roasted pears covered with a milk
chocolate/rosemary ganache. 7� tart...$28 9� tart...$34
*Serve with Muscato d'Asti!

-Pumpkin Cheesecake ~ Gina Maria cream cheese, pumpkin, and holiday spices
are baked atop a spiced pecan crust. (We can hold the nuts upon
request.) 8� cake...$32
*Serve with Pineau des Charentes!

-The Nutcracker ~ A step beyond your average pecan pie. This tart is
packed with Spanish almonds, pecans, cashews, hazelnuts, and bittersweet
chocolate chips. 7� tart...$22 9� tart...$30
*Serve with Taylor Flagate 10yr Tawny Port or Lustau Cream Sherry!

Featured Holiday Wines!
Celebrate Thanksgiving with Pix's specially selected dessert wines.
They go beautifully with the above desserts and are going for a nice price!

-Pineau des Charentes ~ A blend of young, fresh wine grapes and Cognac
brandy. It is made exclusively in the Cognac region of France. Aged for at
least one year in oak casks, this delightful wine is ¾ fresh grape juice
and ¼ aged Cognac. 750 ml $26

-Elio Perrone Moscato d'Asti ~Bubbly, fruit forward, and slightly sweet
750 ml $16

-Sollucchero di Monte Valentino ~ Liqueur of tart black cherries and red
wine. 375 ml $34

-Taylor Fladgate 10yr Tawny Port ~ Flavors of blackberry, plum, and anise.
750 ml $28

-Emilio Lustau, Cream Sherry ~ Luscious, smooth, and rich. 750 ml
$20

Thanks,
www.pixpatisserie.com

Michael Moore wrote a letter to his fans last week, cheering the election results and congratulating progressives for all of their hard work. This week, he extends a hand across the aisle, and soothes conservatives who might be freaking out that the Ds are in the House (and Senate!).

A Liberal’s Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives

November 14th, 2006

To My Conservative Brothers and Sisters,

I know you are dismayed and disheartened at the results of last week’s election. You’re worried that the country is heading toward a very bad place you don’t want it to go. Your 12-year Republican Revolution has ended with so much yet to do, so many promises left unfulfilled. You are in a funk, and I understand.

Well, cheer up, my friends! Do not despair. I have good news for you. I, and the millions of others who are now in charge with our Democratic Congress, have a pledge we would like to make to you, a list of promises that we offer you because we value you as our fellow Americans. You deserve to know what we plan to do with our newfound power — and, to be specific, what we will do to you and for you.

Thus, here is our Liberal’s Pledge to Disheartened Conservatives:

Dear Conservatives and Republicans,

I, and my fellow signatories, hereby make these promises to you:

1. We will always respect you for your conservative beliefs. We will never, ever, call you “unpatriotic” simply because you disagree with us. In fact, we encourage you to dissent and disagree with us.

2. We will let you marry whomever you want, even when some of us consider your behavior to be "different" or "immoral." Who you marry is none of our business. Love and be in love -- it's a wonderful gift.

3. We will not spend your grandchildren's money on our personal whims or to enrich our friends. It's your checkbook, too, and we will balance it for you.

4. When we soon bring our sons and daughters home from Iraq, we will bring your sons and daughters home, too. They deserve to live. We promise never to send your kids off to war based on either a mistake or a lie.

5. When we make America the last Western democracy to have universal health coverage, and all Americans are able to get help when they fall ill, we promise that you, too, will be able to see a doctor, regardless of your ability to pay. And when stem cell research delivers treatments and cures for diseases that affect you and your loved ones, we'll make sure those advances are available to you and your family, too.

6. Even though you have opposed environmental regulation, when we clean up our air and water, we, the Democratic majority, will let you, too, breathe the cleaner air and drink the purer water.

7. Should a mass murderer ever kill 3,000 people on our soil, we will devote every single resource to tracking him down and bringing him to justice. Immediately. We will protect you.

8. We will never stick our nose in your bedroom or your womb. What you do there as consenting adults is your business. We will continue to count your age from the moment you were born, not the moment you were conceived.

9. We will not take away your hunting guns. If you need an automatic weapon or a handgun to kill a bird or a deer, then you really aren't much of a hunter and you should, perhaps, pick up another sport. We will make our streets and schools as free as we can from these weapons and we will protect your children just as we would protect ours.

10. When we raise the minimum wage, we will pay you -- and your employees -- that new wage, too. When women are finally paid what men make, we will pay conservative women that wage, too.

11. We will respect your religious beliefs, even when you don't put those beliefs into practice. In fact, we will actively seek to promote your most radical religious beliefs ("Blessed are the poor," "Blessed are the peacemakers," "Love your enemies," "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God," and "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me."). We will let people in other countries know that God doesn't just bless America, he blesses everyone. We will discourage religious intolerance and fanaticism -- starting with the fanaticism here at home, thus setting a good example for the rest of the world.

12. We will not tolerate politicians who are corrupt and who are bought and paid for by the rich. We will go after any elected leader who puts him or herself ahead of the people. And we promise you we will go after the corrupt politicians on our side FIRST. If we fail to do this, we need you to call us on it. Simply because we are in power does not give us the right to turn our heads the other way when our party goes astray. Please perform this important duty as the loyal opposition.

I promise all of the above to you because this is your country, too. You are every bit as American as we are. We are all in this together. We sink or swim as one. Thank you for your years of service to this country and for giving us the opportunity to see if we can make things a bit better for our 300 million fellow Americans -- and for the rest of the world.

Signed,

Michael Moore

Now that the Democrats are back in power, maybe people can finally get back to the basics…little things like gettin’ loose and teaching the truth about evolution. I’m looking at you, Kansas.

I even have a sample lesson plan for you:

Just when FOX TV started whining like a baby over the fact no one watches their network anymore, they scored the “killer” interview of the century. In an exclusive interview, O.J. SIMPSON will describe how he murdered his former wife—HYPOTHETICALLY. Not that he really killed her, mind you. But if he HAD, this is how he would have done it. All together now… BRRRRRRRRRRRRR…

Check out a clip of the interview here, and tune in on Nov 27th and 29th for the two-part interview. Afterwards you’ll be wanting to take the longest shower of your life, so start conserving hot water now.

You have to love those whacky U.S. Bishops. This header/subhead combo in this morning’s New York Times made me laugh out loud in the campus coffee shop where I was eating a bagel.

U.S. Bishops Adopt Guidelines on Gays

Urging celibacy for gay men and lesbians, and rejecting artificial contraception

Hm. Celibacy. Doesn’t the Catholic Church in the United States have a wee credibility problem where celibacy is concerned? Considering the inability of the Catholic Church to keep its own priests celibate, I don’t think think the sour-faced U.S. Bishops seen above are really going to have much luck with rank-and-file gay and lesbian Catholics, to say nothing of gay and lesbian non-Catholics.

Like most gay and lesbian readers of the New York Times, seeing today’s headline about the U.S. Bishops’ unwelcome, unsolicited plans for my life (loneliness, misery, and lifetime of sexual frustration—where do I sign?!), only reminded me of this headline from yesterday’s NYT:

New York Priest’s Sex-Abuse Trial Begins, in Pennsylvania

Celibacy? Get your priests to honor their own vows of celibacy and then maybe—maybe—we’ll consider contemplating your advice for us. (We’ll still reject it, of course, but we’ll contemplate it.) Until that blessed day arrives, well, let’s just say my first impulse on reading the story in the New York Times today was not to call my boyfriend and break up. I laughed—and not just at your proscriptions for gays and lesbians.

The guidelines welcome gay people, but they also affirm church teachings that “homosexual inclinationsâ€� are inherently disordered. While having such inclinations is not sinful, gay sexual activity is, according to the core teachings. The guidelines, called “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination,â€� passed by a vote of 194 to 37. They also speak out against same-sex marriage and adoptions by gay men and lesbians….

The bishops also adopted “Married Love and the Gift of Life,â€� which is meant to explain church teachings about contraception for engaged and young married couples.

The document asserts that artificial contraception introduces a “false noteâ€� into a marriage and has led to a decline in respect for life in society. Catholics use birth control to the same extent as other Americans; only 4 percent, the document said, use natural planning, the type of birth control backed by the church.

Archbishop Joseph F. Naumann of Kansas City, Kan., said on Monday that gay Catholics who are not celibate and married Catholics who use artificial contraception should not receive Holy Communion.

Wow! How can I ever thank you guys enough for linking your sex-phobic, ill-informed, thoroughly-backwards and completely idiotic gay bashing with your equally sex-phobic, ill-informed, thoroughly-backwards straight bashing? By tackling both issues at once, by linking homosexual activity and heterosexual activity like this, you all have demonstrate that your issue isn’t really with homosexual sex, per se, but sex, period. And, I’m sorry, but your credibility on contraception isn’t much better than your cred on gay sex. Ask the average straight American Catholic what a priest might recommend as a birth control method and you’re likely to hear, “Come on the altar boy, not in him.”

And did you catch that, U.S. Bishops? Only 4% of straight married Catholics use “natural planning.” Do you really intend to deny Communion to 96% of American Catholics? Are you double agents working on behalf of the Lutheran Church or what? Are you trying to make Protestants of us all?

And speaking of “natural planning,” I guess the U.S. Bishops missed the big news about how many fertilized eggs—you know, human beings with souls and shit—wind up dying as a result of “natural family planning.” Also from the NYT:

A philosopher in Britain has ruffled feathers on both sides of the Atlantic by suggesting that the rhythm method of contraception may increase the risk of early embryonic death.

Luc Bovens, a philosopher at the London School of Economics, argues in the Journal of Medical Ethics that couples who try to prevent pregnancy by avoiding sex during the woman’s most fertile time of month may be more likely to produce embryos that do not develop or implant in the womb.

If this is correct, he writes, then “millions of rhythm method cycles per year globally depend for their success on massive embryonic death.”

It’s called the WIS - the Wearable Instrument Shirt - and it is tipped to make the air guitar as obsolete as the horse and cart.

Scientists at the CSIRO’s Textile and Fibre Technology division in Geelong have woven electronic sensors into a T-shirt so that it can be played liked a real guitar.

Movements by the wearer’s arms are mapped and beamed by radio to a computer which interprets them and turns them into musical notes.

The wearer only has to act out playing the instrument to make sounds.

“The left arm chooses a note and the right arm plays it,” said Richard Helmer, a CSIRO chemical engineer who led the project. The arrangement can be reversed for left-handed musicians.

“You can play with yours hands above your head,” said Dr Helmer. “You can turn around and jump. Whatever you like.”

I’d wear that shit every single day. I’d wear it to our editorial meetings, I’d wear it to bars, I’d wear it to traffic court, I’d wear it to Ultimate Fighting Championship, I’d wear it to your sister’s bat mitzvah, and I’d definitely wear that bad boy beween the sheets.
(And when I beat that dork up in the photo to steal his shirt, it would sound like Jimi at Montreux)

You remember that piece of toast with the picture of the Virgin Mary for sale on eBay? Heavenly intervention? Nope. Spray-on butter and a stovetop!

Thanks to How 2 Do Stuff, it’s easy:
“(1) Get a piece of bread and draw the picture that you want toasted onto it. I used that fake spray-on butter, because in my experiences the result is usually better, and it is easier to draw your picture.
(2) Turn your stove on HIGH. Let it sit for a minute. You want it to be really hot.
(3) Put your piece of toast face down in the pan (with the picture facing the heat source). Make sure to do it very gently, because you can’t slide it at all once it goes into the pan.
4) Let it toast for a few minutes.
5) Lift up your piece of toast and check out your picture.”

Remember Olsen Twins Wednesdays? WELL, KISS ‘EM GOODBYE! Because now Blog Town, PDX is devoting a post every freaking Wednesday to ARSENIO HALL! Why? Because he’s awesome.
Duh.
Anyway, let’s kick off this premiere episode of ARSENIO HALL WEDNESDAY with a classic moment from The Arsenio Hall Show where he puts a very nervous VANILLA ICE on the honky hotseat. I sure wouldn’t want to be that guy (especially in that outfit).

Tonight at the Multnomah Building (501 SE Hawthorne, 7 pm), there’s a panel discussion on Portland’s neighborhood association system. Sounds like a snoozer, I know—but this should be interesting.

The neighborhood system is at a crossroads: Portland used to be a model for neighborhood involvement, but lately there are plenty of neighbors who are disenchanted with the current system, saying that they don’t have much of a voice at city hall. And the mayor has—guess what!—a project devoted to studying the neighborhood system (I’ve heard grumbling from activists who don’t even want to bother with filling out the mayor’s survey—they don’t feel it’ll do the neighborhood associations any good).

All of this should be part of the discussion tonight, which follows an exhaustive League of Women Voters’ study of the current system.

Through November League members will meet to discuss what they have learned about the city’s Neighborhood Program and, through a process of discussion and consensus, will develop a new advocacy position on how the Neighborhood Program should be structured in the future.

“We feel our work in this area is very well-timed in light of the reforms that are being discussed by Mayor Tom Potter’s Community Connect work group,â€� said League President Carol Cushman. “We hope the community as well as our members will benefit from our research.â€�

I’ve been tempted lately to try “Bleu”, the Western Culinary institute’s new restaurant. The story is, students cook the dinner, it’s cheap, but cordon bleu. Apparently not—at least, according to the Food Dude:

no one should have to sit through a restaurant experience as bad as mine at Bleu more than once…at one point as I was contemplating the effect on my stomach of biting into the barely cooked, gummy and stuck-together pappardelle, I asked myself, “Would the staff eat this?â€�…On my first visit, wait staff twice dropped plates while we were having lunch, our waiter’s apparel was stained and we were kept waiting a full half hour for our entrées…At this level of performance it should close down and not re-open until it can consistently deliver even just moderately good food

Naturally, there is no further reason to watch Saturday Night Live… except for the occasional appearance of Robert Smigel’s TV Funhouse! In this great edition from last weekend, Smigel constructs a pitch perfect Saturday morning Japanese anime starring world hotdog eating champion Takeru Kobayashi (with a special cameo from the Chicago Bears’ William “Refrigerator” Perry??). And it’s entirely in Japanese! This is some funny stuff!

Good news for Blazers fans. The man who is like Cancer (with Cornrows) to the team, Darius Miles, will miss the entire season due to knee surgery. Hooray!

Bad news for Z-Bo. Zach Randolph, who has suddenly become one the best players in the entire NBA, is getting sued for a cool mil by the woman who accused him of doing some very bad things to her in a hotel room.

Tonight the Blazers travel to Minnesota to play Eddie Griffin and The Timberwolves. In March, Griffin got into a traffic accident while driving drunk AND masturbating to a DVD porno that was playing in his car. Oops.

A whole week since his resignation, it’s about darn time someone tried Donald Rumsfeld for war crimes.

“Even if we never put Rumsfeld on trial in a German court, he will be harassed and publicly stamped as a torturer,” said Wolfgang Kaleck, a Berlin attorney who filed the complaint, together with the Center for Constitutional Rights, an American group, and other legal organizations.

Downtown sex offenders could soon be getting weekly visits from cops, thanks to a new parole and probation partnership discussed between the cops and parole board this morning.

Under the agreement, cops will partner with parole officers on a rotating basis, paying a visit to a new sex offender each week to ensure the conditions of their parole are being met, and that no new crimes have been committed. The partnership—which follows Oregon’s statewide implementation of a sex offender tracking website in July—is aimed at boosting individual cops’ knowledge of who the worst offenders are, with an emphasis on crime prevention.

The cops’ new approach will initially be tested in central precinct, before being implemented citywide—central precinct is littered with predatory sex offenders—the Oregon database lists 68 thought to be living within a mile of the West end of the Burnside Bridge. It will also cover other criminals with a high propensity to re-offend including those with violent tendencies.

“A lot of these people re-offend,” says Central Precinct Commander Mike Reese, “the problem is we are not getting to them fast enough.”

According to Brit tab News of the World, celebrity homeless person KEVIN FEDERLINE is entertaining a $5 million offer to sell a four hour sex tape of he and Brit allegedly making whoopee on their honeymoon. Rumor has it that K.Fed is using the tape as leverage to get a hefty divorce settlement and sole custody of the kids. (Did you hear that kids? Run… RUN AND DON’T LOOK BACK!)

The source close to Federline said: “At the time the two of them were in the honeymoon stages of the relationship and couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

“They did nothing all day but have sex—and play the odd game of chess.

“They were insatiable and they believed they would be together forever.

“Britney didn’t think twice about making the video at the time. She mistakenly believed that their love would last.

Did I read that right? “The odd game of chess”? This is going to be the most BORING sex tape EVER!

Battleship? Maybe. Chess? NO WAY.

Don’t miss Frank Black tonight at the Wonder Ballroom at 8 pm.
Here’s Frank doing the Beach Boys’ “Hang on to Your Ego.”

Li’l British pop sensation Lily Allen is rumored to be under consideration as a future face of Chanel. I wouldn’t have guessed. She’s cute enough, but her persona is pretty clowny, with big sneakers and cheap bling:

Hmm, actually, that’s kinda adorable… On second thought, forget it, lose the shoes. Anyhow, if it really happend, Allen will certainly be a departure for the holy temple of fashion, as someone who has been very outspoken about the modeling industry and the “bullshit” idea that models have to be skinny (witness previous Chanel girls Nicole Kidman and Venessa Paradis):

Anyhow, regardless of whether she ends up doing the Chanel trip or not, here’s her hit single, “Smile”:

Just in case you forgot to send a card, the internet turned 16 years old today.

In response, the WW said, “16 years, huh? Well, it’s obviously not going away. We better start a blog!”

KIDDING! (But they really have never heard of the internet.)

It’s a bully stick. From Wikipedia:

A bully stick, also known as a beef stick, is a dog treat made from a dried bull’s penis. The penis, usually measuring about 24 inches in length, is removed and cut into sections. The sections are then dried and are sold as a dog treat.

more after the jump

Sure, I’m the host of the Mercury’s own 3-Minute Limit, but punk ain’t the only addiction I’m carrying around on my back. There’s the old-timey country too-and it don’t hurt that most country and bluegrass songs clock in under the three minute mark…but I digress.

Before you go decidin’ which chuck wagon you’ll be gittin yer vittles off’n after diggin fencepost holes all day, take a minnit & check in with the Power of County (that’s COUNTY not country, bo). They’re playin’ a live set at Music Millenium NW (801 NW 23rd) at 6PM.

I’d sooner piss in my own boot than hear the bellyachin’ excuse you’d be workin’ up not to mosey on up ta this here hootenanny.

The much-rumored possible sale of part of Mt. Tabor to a neighboring Christian college is off the table, according to Commissioner Randy Leonard’s office.

Months ago, the Parks and Recreation Bureau entered into memorandum of understanding (MOU) with Warner Pacific College that if—if—the bureau opted to sell its main maintenance facility at Mt. Tabor, the college would get first dibs. The MOU wasn’t just theoretical—the parks bureau was piecing together ways to update its citywide maintenance system, and the crumbling Mt. Tabor facility was likely on the chopping block.

But the potential land sale set off a massive negative reaction from the surrounding neighborhood, which bristled at the idea of selling public park land to a private religious institution. Plus, Dan Saltzman, the parks commissioner, was lambasted for not including the public in the discussion. At city council two weeks ago, when the parks bureau was presenting its preliminary repair plan, Saltzman claimed that the MOU was signed without his knowledge, and that the future of the Mt. Tabor land wouldn’t be decided until there was thorough public process.

But at a meeting with Leonard last Wednesday, Saltzman agreed that the city should keep the land, negating the agreement with Warner Pacific and killing any potential sale.

The basis for the parks plan was that many of the bureau's facilities are in drastic disrepair and need upwards of $40 million worth of improvements. But last week, Leonard pointed out that the Water Bureau--which he heads up--also needs extensive repairs (up to $50 million worth) to its primary maintenance facility, the massive Interstate Yard near the Rose Quarter. So he pitched an idea to Saltzman that would combine the two efforts and would ultimately lead to the bureaus to sharing space at the Interstate Yard as well as Mt. Tabor.

The agreement could save the city money. But the crux of it is that Mt. Tabor absolutely not be considered for sale. And Saltzman has agreed.

"It's safe to say that the possible sale of the Mt. Tabor land is now completely off the table," Leonard's chief of staff, Ty Kovatch, said.

According to Kovatch, the new combined repair plan will make its way to council "at a measured pace that will allow the neighborhood to be comfortable before we bring this discussion to council again."

Update--Here's the message Saltzman's parks advisor, Matt Grumm sent to one of the Mt. Tabor neighbors protesting the possible sale:

Thank you for the message and input. The simplest and most straight forward fact is that no land on or adjacent to Mt. Tabor Park is, or will be sold. Open space is incredibly valuable and as Portland's population is forecasted to increase, will become even more so. The stretch of land between SE Lincoln and SE Harrison, that currently has trees purchased from private nurseries for continued growth, has great potential for future park uses. We've heard from both community garden advocates and off-leash dog advocates that this location could benefit their interests. We have no doubt that other groups exist that would like to see their specific interest furthered on that land and we're sure many folks would prefer the status quo. An extensive public process would be involved if something different than the passive growth of nursery trees looked realistic at that location. As to the maintenance facility along Division, Parks AND the Portland Water Bureau will engage the public in looking at their respective operation and maintenance needs and hopefully devise a process and plan that can benefit the community as a whole. Again, no property on or adjacent to Mt. Tabor Park will be sold.

The contentious NW Irving Street Parking Garage design was approved 5-1 by the Portland Historic Landmarks Commission last night.

But the neighbors—still irked that the garage is encroaching on residential space (it’ll displace a house, and butt up against a second house)—plan to appeal to the city council.

Girly post alert! If you have a set of testicles, you probably won’t give a shit about what I’m about to say.

Today I was excited to learn that local, professional make-up artist, Keelie Nicole, has a new website that includes a make-up blog where you can learn about professional tips, tricks, and proper products to use to get the most out of your make-up. Keelie has experience in the fashion, print, and television industries, so she’ll have all sorts of cool info to share.

Well, better late than never…

“Bush Goes on Asia Trip, First Visit to Vietnam”

The long-rumored-to-be-gay, and recently-outed-live-on-CNN head of the Republican National Committee is stepping down. After the thumping the GOP took last week, what other choice did Ken “Adapt to Win” Mehlman have? A friend thinks something else might have forced Mehlman to step down: Ken’s aching balls.

After reading your Code of the Callboy piece in the NYT, I can’t help but wonder about the real reason for Ken Mehlman’s resignation. If he is gay—and it seems pretty clear that he is—then he is too well known, and too Republican, to have an active sex life. In all likelihood, he has been forced to remain celibate during his two years at the apex of the Republican Party lest he suffer the same long fall from heterosexual grace that destroyed Ted Haggard.

I mean, if you fucked Ken Mehlman wouldn’t you be tempted to out him for his breathtaking hypocrisy? Of course you would, and he is smart and disciplined enough to know that. So did Ken Mehlman give up his job as chairman of the Republican National Committee so he could get laid? Just asking.

Hm… it’s an interesting question, but there’s only one person who knows the answer: Ken Mehlman. And I don’t think he’s giving interviews to the likes of me—or to anyone else at the moment. And while I would certainly have exposed Ken if he had made the mistake of sleeping with me (and that would be the only reason I’d ever sleep with Ken), I’m pretty sure Ken would not fuck around with me. Nor would he need to. There are, as the religious right is discovering to its consternation, a hell of a lot of homos in the GOP—and not just Log Cabin types willing to wear “Kick Me!” signs on their backs at GOP conventions.

Nope, there are tons of homos like Ken in the GOP—closeted homos, in positions of power, positions they hold so long as they remain closeted. Ken can, and probably has, slept with them. Unfortunately for the Ken and his kin, the religious right is hunting for scapegoats and the old rules no longer apply. You can’t be gay in today’s GOP, period, not even if you’re willing to be closeted and celibate. The hard-core gay bashers in the GOP base are running around blaming Foley and Haggard and a secret cabal of undercover gay operatives—guys like you, Ken—for their big, fat, gay loss last week.

So you might as well come out and get those blue balls drained already, Ken. And once you’re out, you no longer have to worry about being outed. Once you’re no longer red, your balls don’t have to be blue. It’s a win-win.

Looking for a cute gift for that special air guitar styling rock enthusiast on your Christmas shopping list? Behold.

Who knows why this one popped into my head today, but here’s one of my FAVE videos of the 80s, it’s EBN-OZN with their one (and only) hit, 1983’s “AEIOU… Sometimes Y.” Sure it has the superfluous rat-tails and Thomas Dolby “I’m ka-RAZY” hairdos—but it also has a crap-ton of great lines you’ll be quoting for the rest of the day. “Hey, you want to go out? HUH. DO I WANT TO GO OUT.” Lola… Lola… Lola…

Hey Everybody! The Oscar Meyer Weinermobile was parked in the KATU parking lot this morning (and all the employees could do was complain about how it was blocking their cars in). As you will notice, the driver of the Weinermobile is black, and he has a white woman assistant—so that means that everyone over at Indymedia can just CALM DOWN because the Weinermobile is ethnically diverse. The weinermobile staff is also VERY generous when it comes to doling out the weiner whistles, but the really surprising thing is how the inside of the Weinermobile is totally pimped out. I’m telling you, if I were that driver, I would be scoring so much ass, it wouldn’t even be funny. Play on, Oscar Meyer Playa—play on.

Tomorrow night at Vollum Lounge at Reed College (3202 SE Woodstock, 7 pm, free), Jim Coddington, the chief conservator at the Museum of Modern Art (and Reed alum), will lecture about the current state of art conservation. While on the surface this might sound like a dry talk about fixing paint crackles and removing fingerprints from fancy sculptures, I predict it’ll be a whole lot sexier than that. Artists are now working with unprecedented materials: Damien Hirst’s formaldehyde-d shark comes to mind, as do Charles Long’s silly-putty-like sculptures, and Tom Friedman’s shredded paper masterpieces. But also—for the past 30 years, artists have been exploring new technologies as quickly as they come out, and as we know, these become obsolete just as fast. So what of web art, CD-ROMS, and all other digital media? How to preserve those? Likewise—what about artists who create site-specific works? In many cases, ephemerality is part of the point, but not always. SFMoMA recently “bought” Matthew Barney’s wall drawing which he made by rappelling the building’s interior architecture and scrawling from a percipitous height. That piece was far enouh out of the way that it could stay where it was an be an unobstrusive part of the permanent collection, but that’s not always the case. Museums are struggling like hell to wrestle with these issues, and there’s probably not a person in the country better suited to discuss them than MoMA’s Jim Coddington.

Tom Friedman’s self portrait as a motorcycle accident victim in cut paper: How do you conserve, archive, and store that?

It was today in 1964 that baby Joseph “Run” Simmons enetered this world, clad entirely in Adidas. So Rev Run, let us overlook your piss-poor reality show and that one time you let the guy from Third Eye Blind “rap” with you, and celebrate your birthday today.

Also on this day in 1954 in Greece, the child of Satan was also born as well. Be afraid.

Thanks to The Oregonian’s Mike Russell, whose CulturePulp.com is definitely worth a read.

Officer John Wood told two women in East Portland he would arrest them for driving under the influence if they did not show him their underwear, and repeatedly asked a heroin addict in SE who was shooting up at the time to show him her “pubic bone tattoo” for identification purposes, according to the cops’ official investigation into his behavior, released to coincide with Wood’s resignation today.

“He was asking me, like, to show him, like, he was asking us both perverted questions,” said one of the ‘DUI’ victims. “And then he was also, like, trying to get me to show him my boobs.”

Wood also preyed on a homeless heroin user in SE Portland, repeatedly asking the woman, who was “shooting up” in a truck with her boyfriend at the time, to show him a tattoo on her pubic bone, ignoring her obvious drug use as he pursued his perverted sexual thrill.

“And, uh, her syringe at one point even fell out right in front of him, you know,” the woman’s boyfriend told investigating detectives. “And he saw it and he didn’t take it from her or anything like that…I was really surprised he didn’t do anything about the syringe.”

Wood resigned this afternoon after a bargaining process with the Bureau. He could have chosen to remain on paid administrative leave while his case was further investigated internally, but instead, pled guilty to two misdemeanor charges following a grand jury’s decision to indict him for prosecution on charges of criminal misconduct in the first degree.

“We have an extensive hiring process including a psychological assessment and background check,” said Chief Rosie Sizer at a press conference this afternoon. “That being said, it is not a perfect system, and occasionally there are circumstances where we’re embarrassed.”

“It’s a substantial thing when an officer pleads guilty to a crime,” Sizer said, describing Wood’s behavior as an “aberration.” “This serves as a reminder to citizens what they feel is inappropriate behavior by a Portland Police Officer to contact the Independent Police Review (IPR).”

The cops’ internal investigation, launched in response to an official complaint lodged with the IPR by two of Wood’s victims, uncovered no further victims of his bizarre behavior, but Chief Sizer encouraged anyone else affected by it to come forward.

I have mixed feelings about the growing use of indie rock songs in large corporate commercials (think HP and Flaming Lips, M&Ms and Iron & Wine, soccer mom vans and Modest Mouse, McDonald’s and The Shins, etc.). On the one hand, fuck you, fucking corporate sellout whores. On the other hand, it does give them a ton more money than touring or album sales ever will, enabling them to continue their creative endeavors without having to moonlight as a barista or whatever.

It’s an age old debate that’s been around at least since Giovanni di Bicci de’ Medici started kicking down funds to support Masacchio’s fresco habit. And in most cases, I can give modern artists the benefit of the doubt—in fact, I’m even open to arguments that commercial work in itself is even art, subverting notions of art as commodity, etc., etc., Warhol, etc.

But this, THIS, is fucking unforgivable. Of Montreal has sold its song “Wraith Pinned to the Mist” from the Sunlandic Twins album to motherfucking Outback Steakhouse. Not only that, they’ve changed the lyrics to better fit the fake-ass Australian theme. Motherfuck. Here’s the commercial:

Yes, I realize I’m way late on this—Pitchfork had a little blurb about it with a weak defense from the band in August—but I saw the commercial for the first time on Friday. Maybe it just hit the Portland market, or maybe I don’t watch enough television. Either way.

Those music lovers over at Discobelle picked up on the new leaked single promised to be the first release off the new Timbaland solo album—which isn’t so “solo” as they say, because both Nelly Furtado and JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE are singing on it! Takes a bit to warm up, I think, but as most Timbaland joints go, it’s kickin’ at the end. Please welcome Timbaland (ft. with Nelly Furtado and Justin Timberlake) and his new single “Give it To Me.”

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

Happy Day! Joyous, joyous day! You know I’ve kind of got this crush on this other local paper, the Willamette Week, but it never seems to notice me, and I, er, you know, er, we, we posted a blog earlier about it, and now they’ve BLOGGED BACK! OMG! OMG! OMG!

We need never worry about providing our respective blogs with content AGAIN! Okay, WW-ers. I know you’re new to this, so here’s how it goes: you blog back, that we’re blogging about you blogging about us blogging about you. Then we blog, about you blogging about us blogging about you blogging about us blogging about you. Then you blog AGAIN, about us blogging about you blogging about us blogging about you blogging about us blogging about you. HAPPY DAYS!!!!!! I CANNOT CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT!

UPDATE: STILL READ THIS BLOG POST. SADLY, THEY’RE NOT LINKING TO US ANY MORE….THE RESULT OF AN ANGRY PHONE CALL FROM THE PUBLISHER, PERHAPS??

UPDATED UPDATE: THEY’VE RE-BLOGGED THEIR BLOG-BLOG! BLOGGERLICIOUS!!

Oh dear. From the cops:

On Monday, November 13, 2006, 31-year-old John Alexander Wood, a Portland Police Officer, pled guilty to two counts of Official Misconduct in the First Degree and resigned from the Police Bureau in connection with an investigation that began in August of 2006. Wood was hired by the Portland Police Bureau in January 2003, and assigned to East Precinct.

The investigation began when two women walked into East Precinct and told a sergeant that five days prior, Wood asked them to pull up their dresses and expose their underwear during a traffic stop. The sergeant thoroughly documented the complaint and sent it his commander, who in turn, immediately forwarded the information to the Chief’s Office. The sergeant also strongly encouraged the women to file a formal compliant with the Independent Police Review Division (IPR).

Portland Copwatch activist Dan Handelman says: “Officers get sacked for lying, cheating or stealing. But I wonder which one this falls under? This is a relatively good outcome—for someone like this no longer to be on the streets as a police officer.”

This is a Blustery Storm 2006 Updated Update from the Mercury Severe Weather Desk……
UPDATE! The horror that was Blustery Storm 2006 continues into the afternoon as more and more victims discover the destruction left behind by this storm created by an obviously uncaring God. Look at this devastation I just discovered in my own driveway…

HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?? WHO IS GOING TO CLEAN IT UP?? WHERE IS MY FEDERAL DISASTER RELIEF? And most importantly, WHO IS THAT CAT? I’ve never seen that cat in my neighborhood before! I can only assume he was blown into the yard by Blustery Storm 2006, where he is currently sniffing at the splayed remnants of my garbage and mewing loudly for a bowl of cream. GOD (Whom I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist)! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN US??

Stay tuned for further Blustery Storm 2006 Updated Updates from the Mercury Severe Weather Desk.

God, it turns out, recycles. Which is great news, because round our gaff, yesterday’s electricity bill was something of a surprise, to say the least. November rain? November drain is more like it…So: It seems my tendency to wear a t-shirt in the apartment with the heater on will have to change unless we’re to continue forking out two-fold for electricity over the coming months. Which brings me to this blog at the Guardian, inviting readers to confess their environmental sins. Over the last year, here are some of mine. I’m not including pre-2006 because you know, I wasn’t “conscious” before then. Environmentally. Although I will mention in passing that I once flushed a shitload of fish down the toilet, and that was, I can assure you, not even that bad compared to some of the things I did with 2-stroke engines and my chemistry set. My mum once ripped the head off a dead sheep, too, and stuck it in a bucket of bleach, which I can’t imagine is exactly green. Although this isn’t about confessing animal cruelty or traumatic childhood experiences. It’s about sins….

1.Driving to work when I could take the bus, because I can’t stand the bus.
2.Using way too much washing-up liquid because it makes the dishes cleaner, quicker.
3.Leaving the stove on all day, when out, by accident.
4.Leaving the lights on all weekend, when away, by accident.
5.Flying 12,000 miles in a commercial airplane.
6.Buying vegetables at Fred Meyer that’ve been imported from all over the world.
7.Buying New Zealand lamb because it tastes better.

Your turn.

On Thursday during the lunch hour, PSU’s Smith Memorial Center is going to be swarmed with “local entertainers and public health advocates.” For what, you ask?

[They] are joining up for a smokeout rally at Portland State University on Nov. 16 to promote smokefree bars and making healthier entertainment choices.

Student advocates will dress up as waiters with gas masks to underscore the health hazards secondhand smoke poses to the more than 35,000 workers not covered by Oregon’s Smokefree Workplace Law and their customers.

WHY:
Secondhand smoke is a serious health hazard. It contains more than 50 cancer-causing chemicals and many other toxins, including formaldehyde, carbon monoxide and arsenic. Nearly 80 percent of Oregonians do not smoke, and a growing majority of people prefer smokefree establishments.

P.S. — Now that Dems control the state legislature, what do you think are the chances of a smoking ban’s passage?

Much of the vehemence of the eyewitness accounts of James Philip Chasse’s death appears to have been lost in translation when recounted in the cops’ official investigative reports, released to the media last Thursday, November 1.The Mercury has gone through the two sets of documents (pictured above), comparing the original witness testimonies with the cops’ investigative reports. This is what the cops say:

”The detective’s summaries are not designed to re-interpret or summarize the witnesses’ statements,â€� says the Portland Police Bureau’s public information officer, Sergeant Brian Schmautz. “There is no attempt to change, delude or decrease what is said, nor any intent of subterfuge. If you’re suggesting the detectives are attempting to be sneaky, that is why we have released the original witness transcripts—for the sake of transparency.”

First thing’s first— you can now buy Buster’s prosthetic hand (from Arrested Development) on eBay. Bidding is currently at 200 bucks. Secondly, as previously suspected, Taylor Townsend (real name: Autumn Reeser) from The O.C. is totally HOT!!

Check out her new pix from the upcoming ish of Stuff Magazine.

More marginally safe for work pictures after the leap! Pant, pant, pant… AH-ROOOOO!

More hotness here at Gorillamask!

Thanks to b!X for the reminder: Today’s the 36th anniversary of Oregon’s exploding whale.

Willamette Week’s “Not a blog, dammit” is finally up—prematurely? The site has some filler content on it (like “Just a few words, explaining” as a placeholder for a tagline), no graphics, and just some AP wire-style local content.

Also: The main webpage calls is WWire, but the blog page calls it… WWEEK.COM BLOG. Catchy.

(Oh, wait! I just found a WWire page that’s a little more polished… so maybe I found the blog.wweek.com thing accidentally? Sorry guys!)

UPDATE 12:36 pm: The blog page has been spiffed up—there’s now an orange banner at the top, impossibly bright blue boxes, and it’s back to being called WWire.

A guide to watching the new trailer for The Simpsons Movie: For the first half of the trailer, remember way back to c. 1996, when the once-brilliant The Simpsons was sharp, clever, and hilarious. Because the first half of this trailer is like that! For the second half, though, remember every lame, tired, sloppy, slapsticky episode of the show that you’ve felt obligated to watch since c. ‘96. Because that’s the second half, and the apparent direction of the movie. Man, if you had told me about this movie 10 years ago, I would already be standing in line. Now? Not so much.

And it gets worse: The trailer’s one good joke is a blatant ripoff of the teaser for 1999’s South Park movie. Jesus Christ.

In not very surprising news, SACHA BARON COHEN (aka Borat) shot his mouth off to the wrong New Yorker recently and took a beating for his trouble. But in VERY surprising news, he was rescued by actor HUGH LAURIE known to TV fans as the star of the popular medical drama HOUSE. From Britain’s The Sun…

BORAT star Sacha Baron Cohen was beaten up by a passer-by after he tried to play a prank as his alter ego.

He approached the man and said: “I like your clothings. Are nice! Please may I buying? I want have sex with it.â€�

But the bystander didn’t see the joke. He took one look at Cohen and punched him in the face.

The funnyman — known for his Borat catchphrase “Jagshemash!â€� — yelled for help but was slugged again and again.

He was rescued by actor pal Hugh Laurie who had been on his way to a New York bar with Cohen.

Laurie rushed to help and pushed the man away as Cohen struggled to his feet. A pal of Cohen said: “Sacha couldn’t resist playing the fool as Borat, but picked on the wrong person.

“I guess this guy thought he was being attacked by someone unstable and lashed out. Sacha is very lucky he didn’t get a much worse beating.â€�

“Now I am ready to fight with you.”

Check out this newish local blog, This Aint No Picnic, which chronicles the party adventures of its author (“No Picnic”), a recent transplant to PDX. Here’s an excerpt from his scathing review of the Halloween party he attended:

The only saving graces I could find(and this is largely due to the enthusiasm generated by my BRAIN COSTUME I had eaten/donned earlier in the evening) were the hallway stobes which at one point so confused this one drunken lady that she walked, screaming to a friend, into a fucking wall four or five times in rapid succession before finding her way into the Juicy onslaught that was: the kitchen.

This is a Blustery Storm 2006 Update from the Mercury Weather Desk………
Blustery Storm 2006 claimed another victim last night when it senselessly ripped this tree out of the ground and threw it across my street—making me go FOUR BLOCKS OUT OF MY WAY in order to get to work this morning.

In related news, there is no God. And if there is one, he is both cruel and unjust.
Stay tuned for more Blustery Storm 2006 Updates from the Mercury Weather Desk!!

Here at the Mercury Sound Labsâ„¢ we were able to get our paws on the hot new leak from Jay-Z’s Kingdom Come, about 8 days before it hits the streets. And speaking of “the streets,” Jay-Z has not been anywhere near them in a long time, and it shows. Beware the major Chris Martin (Coldplay, Mr Gwyneth Paltrow) cameo and the mention of MySpace…wait, what? This is Jay-Z, right?

Listen to “Beach Chair” here.

But since Jay-Z evidentially doesn’t check MySpace, I guess I’ll never be in his Top 8. Bummer.

Distinct Brand of Journalism^TM Day!!!

Otherwise known as Willamette Week’s not-blog debut. (However, I don’t see anything new on the site as of this morning…)

Last night at the bar:

(Thanks, Eric!)