People can say what they like about “peer pressure” and “jeopardizing your future”—but shoplifting is cool, kids. In fact, if you shoplift RIGHT NOW, there’s a strong likelihood Winona Rider (shoplifter of coolness, extraordinaire) will let you get into her bath!But fuck that “bathing with Winona Rider” shit. She only steals the odd pair of socks. A bra, perhaps. Mmmmm. Maybe one day, if you practice hard enough, you’ll be cool enough to steal $15,000 worth of clothes in one day, on a mad rampage from LA to Portland, like uber-shoplifters Carlos Alfredo Estrada Aldana and Karla Gonzales Ruiz—arrested yesterday morning in a motel on 97th and Stark, after stopping at a series of malls in Eugene and Portland on their way through Oregon.

Cops recovered cool clothes, not like those ropey threads you’re wearing, from: Abercrombie and Fitch, Van Heusen, American Eagle, J Crew, Disney Store, Banana Republic, Aerie, Hollister, Izod, Aeropostale, Limited Too, Calvin Klein, Bass and Co. ,Gap, Tommy Hilfiger, and Ralph Lauren. From the cops:

Officers also located dozens of magnetic security tags that had been removed from clothing, as well as the metal hook tools utilized for removing these security tags. Officers also found a “booster bag”, which is an item that shoplifters commonly use to defeat the security tag sensor machines. Multiple shopping bags were also located from many of the stores that these items had been stolen from.

Now that’s how to shoplift. Got your “booster bag”? Got your “metal hooks”? Didn’t think so. Amateur! Winona will never bathe with you.