The long-rumored-to-be-gay, and recently-outed-live-on-CNN head of the Republican National Committee is stepping down. After the thumping the GOP took last week, what other choice did Ken “Adapt to Win” Mehlman have? A friend thinks something else might have forced Mehlman to step down: Ken’s aching balls.

After reading your Code of the Callboy piece in the NYT, I can’t help but wonder about the real reason for Ken Mehlman’s resignation. If he is gay—and it seems pretty clear that he is—then he is too well known, and too Republican, to have an active sex life. In all likelihood, he has been forced to remain celibate during his two years at the apex of the Republican Party lest he suffer the same long fall from heterosexual grace that destroyed Ted Haggard.

I mean, if you fucked Ken Mehlman wouldn’t you be tempted to out him for his breathtaking hypocrisy? Of course you would, and he is smart and disciplined enough to know that. So did Ken Mehlman give up his job as chairman of the Republican National Committee so he could get laid? Just asking.

Hm… it’s an interesting question, but there’s only one person who knows the answer: Ken Mehlman. And I don’t think he’s giving interviews to the likes of me—or to anyone else at the moment. And while I would certainly have exposed Ken if he had made the mistake of sleeping with me (and that would be the only reason I’d ever sleep with Ken), I’m pretty sure Ken would not fuck around with me. Nor would he need to. There are, as the religious right is discovering to its consternation, a hell of a lot of homos in the GOP—and not just Log Cabin types willing to wear “Kick Me!” signs on their backs at GOP conventions.

Nope, there are tons of homos like Ken in the GOP—closeted homos, in positions of power, positions they hold so long as they remain closeted. Ken can, and probably has, slept with them. Unfortunately for the Ken and his kin, the religious right is hunting for scapegoats and the old rules no longer apply. You can’t be gay in today’s GOP, period, not even if you’re willing to be closeted and celibate. The hard-core gay bashers in the GOP base are running around blaming Foley and Haggard and a secret cabal of undercover gay operatives—guys like you, Ken—for their big, fat, gay loss last week.

So you might as well come out and get those blue balls drained already, Ken. And once you’re out, you no longer have to worry about being outed. Once you’re no longer red, your balls don’t have to be blue. It’s a win-win.