Per Dave’s post from earlier today: It appears that Rev. Ted Haggard is going to be in some sort of gay-sex-and-meth reprogram camp for the next three to five years. Wow! It takes a long time to beat the gay out of someone who doesn’t even want to be gay—who knew? Can you imagine how long it would take to de-gay someone like me? Someone who wakes up every day thrilled to itsy-bitsy pieces that he’s a pole smoker? Still, that doesn’t stop the right-wing Christian nuts from sending me emails about the miracle that awaits me if I should just accept Jesus H. Christ as my personal trainer. Or something.

A lot of letters explaining that Jesus is laying in wait, ready to pounce, and change me from gay to straight came in after I threatened in a recent column to bitch-slap the next fundie douche who sent me a note about Jesus flipping my switch. Jesus is ready to work a miracle in my life, they tell me, even if he can’t be bothered to work on in Haggard’s. (Having seen my boyfriend in Speedo, I’d say Jesus already worked a miracle in my life.) The arrival of these letters can only mean one thing: there are a lot fundies out there who want to be slapped around by fags. (In that column I also threatened to shit in Paula Zahn’s mouth if she ran another credulous piece about ex-gay conversion therapy. She hasn’t, so clearly Zahn doesn’t want me to shit in her mouth.)

But that’s not what I this post is about. What I really wondered, after reading about the long, hard road in front Ted Haggard was this: Are they paying him? Haggard has a wife and a family—six hungry mouths to, uh, feed. If he spends all his time having the gay beat out of him, how is Haggard going to support his wife and kids? How will he keep a roof over their heads?

Which makes me wonder…

Is Ted Haggard drawing some sort of salary while he’s on his big ex-gay adventure? And if he is, how are we supposed to view it as something other than hush money? Haggard embarrassed the hell out of his evangelical buddies; Dobson seems beside himself with less-than-Christian rage. What really annoys them about Haggard’s fall from grace is how neatly it gives the lie to their whole ex-gay argument. Again, if Jesus didn’t make Haggard straight, and if it’s going to take five years for the top evangelical ministers in the country to pray the gay out of him—again—what “hope” is there for the rest of us? Why should we bother?

So.

Being a cynic and a fag that believes that male homosexuality is innate and fixed, I can’t help but wonder if Big Gay Ted is being bought off. The last thing the evangelicals want is for Big Gay Ted to pull a Jim “I Am a Gay American” McGreevey. They don’t want Big Gay Ted to come out, renounce his previous support for ex-gay ministries, write a book, and go on Oprah.

We can’t see what’s inside Big Gay Ted’s heart—or pants, or rectum, or anything else—but I think we have a right to ask how Big Gay Ted is supporting himself these days. If he is getting some sort of salary or stipend, then we have a right to doubt his sincerity. Big Gay Ted may want to come out now but can’t—not with an angry wife and five furious children to support.

After the jump: Some of the letters I’ve received fundie douches have sent me about Jesus wanting to change my sexual orientation. Be warned: The letters are long, and the first is from a person didn’t get that “mea gulpa” was an oral sex joke.

Subject: Re: Reply to Confused Coloradoan on Nov.17 in HK Magazine

To Dan Savage,

I think it was the first time I ever read your column in the HK Magazine and I cannot help but want to reply to your column about the Ted Haggard scandal.

I can see where your point was coming from being someone who does not practice religion but I really like to share with you a few points myself. Don't worry, I am not another typical Protestant evangelical or fundie you wrote about.

Yes, it is true that giving your heart to Jesus will bring about abundant graces and amazing transformation but only if you open yourself up to receiving His graces. Anything is possible through Christ "for nothing is impossible with God". (Luke 1:37) This is called faith. "Faith is the realization of what is hoped for and evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) The faith of Christians is not a superstitious one. It is true that sometimes faith may bring about miracles but miracles do not happen all the time. Just because there is no miracle doesn't mean our God is not real or the Almighty One. God has a plan and a time for everyone and everything - which is something we can never fully comprehend or fathom. But one thing we can be sure of, as Christians believe God is with us through the good times and bad times. We must not give up our faith when the going gets tough. God likes to test us to "refine us like gold" in order to make us stronger. That is how we learn and grow, through trial and suffering. We hold on to our faith even when things don't go the way we expect them to. This is called perseverence.

Do you know the story of Job from the Old Testament? Or how about the Beatitudes Jesus taught us, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven, blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.." (Matthew 5: 3-4) Do not be afraid to suffer, for our reward will be great in heaven. God draws closer to Him those who suffer. Our life is a process to grow in likeness to Jesus and it is a journey home to God where we belong. St. Augustine wrote in his famous Confessions, "You (God) have made us for yourself and our heart is restless, until they rest in you."

God didn't refuse to cure Haggard. Haggard refused to let himself be cured. As he himself mentioned, he is constantly fighting temptations throughout his life but I guess he chose sin over God most of the time. He obviously didn't practice what he preached. God has always been there for him but he decided to choose himself over God. He gave in to his weakness. (check out Romans whole of chapter 6) Everyone has weaknesses where Satan can attack us but as Christians we strive not to give in, the more virtuous we try to become, the more temptations Satan will bring against us
because he wants to take us away from God. It is a lifetime struggle but this is the purpose of life. Life is a gift from God for us to prepare ourselves for eternal life with Him.

"Therefore, we are not discouraged; rather, although our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to what is seen but to what is unseen; for what is seen is transitory, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:16-8)

The God of Christianity is not like the Buddha where worshippers pay for some incense, pray to win the lottery and then wait for some miracle to happen. God knows what is best for us and sometimes we don't always get what we pray for because what we really want may not be good for us but God will only gives us what is best for us.

Yeah well, Haggard founded a church with thousands of members but he can still be a sinner. Many popes from the Middle Ages were corrupt too, and Catholic priests
also have sexual scandals, so what? That's life, that's human. Only Jesus (God Himself) is holy and perfect. What we try to do in this life time is to strive to become like Jesus so we may be worth of our salvation - that Jesus came into the world to suffer
and die for us so that we may be saved. (see Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ). God wants to show us this unconditional, self-giving love and He wants us to love Him and to love others in the same way. This agape love is given to us for free and God
doesn't expect anything in return. He gave us free will so we may choose to turn to Him ourselves. God is all powerful, He could have made us all love him from the beginning of time but no He wants us to love Him freely with our own hearts.

Salvation is not a single moment or one time experience but a life time refining process until we see God face to face. I think the problem with Haggard, like most evangelicals, is that they believe once they believe, they are saved. They believe the
grace of God and their faith is enough. That is true to a certain extent but we also need to show our faith is real and alive through our actions, aka "good works". This doesn't mean we are earning our salvation. This only means we obey God's commandments and we strive to live a holy life out of love for God (though this is extremely difficult, believe me, but the faithful continue to strive) and it will be a life
time process as I already mentioned. Jesus himself said "Not everyone who calls me Lord, Lord will go into heaven." Only those who do His will will gain eternal life. Martin Luther who broke away from the Catholic Church and brought about the Reformation
(hence Protestantism), said it was ok to continue to sin because once he believed, he was already saved.

Now that was a twisted interpretation of faith. When we come to believe in God, we are promised salvation if we persevere in our faith. If we only believe with our mouth but continue to sin in body and heart (unrepentant), there will be a good chance we will go to hell. I am not only talking about Haggard but everyone of us.

The life of a Christian is not an easy one. Our commitment must be founded on true and persevering faith. Everyone one of us struggle with temptation every day of our lives, especially priests but with faith we strive harder to fight against them all the time. How do you know what Haggard did to fight against his temptations?

I do feel compassion for Haggard. Yes, he has fallen but he can rise again if he really wants to, by the grace of God. And God will forgive him if he truly feels sorry for his sins. We die and rise every day with Christ. God gives us a new chance every day to follow Jesus. Every day is another chance, so how many more graces are we going to let slip by our hands? Faith, hope, and love will help. Prayer will definitely help. And the cross of Jesus will help too if you have true faith. Stop denying yourself and open yourself to God and He will make you truly free!

Disasters, tragedies and sufferings will continue to happen everyday but Christians do not abandon our faith, we grow stronger and persevere. We are warriors - militeschristi - soldiers of Christ.

I believe God has a plan for you too one day. You just need to admit to yourself that you need Him in your heart too. God is love. And I believe in miracles, we just don't know when and how they will occur but God works in mysterious ways.

May the love and grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you always,

Eve
a devout Catholic

P.S. it should be mea culpa and not "mea gulpa"

Subject: Who's the Burden Bitch?

Hey Faggot,

So now you have the opportunity to express who is the burden and who is the righteous (for those of you faggots out there who are too busy in sodomy to read the scripture righteous is those who believe God. They are ALWAYS in the minority and they ALWAYS win why because that's how God illustrates his sovereignty). So the belief of the Asses (Democrats) is that the Word of God is stale bread. Is that so? So the Asses are going to vote up for themselves a superior Law to God's Word. I don't doubt it. Actually the scripture tells us that people will reject Jesus for Beelzebub (the one who tells you that you can rewrite the Bible to say what you want and still be blessed). You Faggot, have done just that. And what's more you did it directly after the Saints extended a hand of friendship to you. Well aren't you wiser than Moses and Jesus. So I encourage you to mobilize your new Law of Beelzebub and try to make it the law of the United States. The feminists worship Artemis instead of Shekina, the faggots worship Beelzebub instead of Jesus, the Socialists worship Belial instead of Shekina, all of them will fail to be blessed AGAIN. It is the Saints who carry hedonists like yourself. I would sooner live in a smaller country than live in a country that says the Constitution is greater than the Bible. I'm sure you want it the other way around. How curious you also ride the ass of you partner. Man was made in Gods image and the way you have sex its easier to do if you don't see your partners face. Likewise its easier for you to be comfortable (you believe) if you cannot see God's face. I am not the one who doesn't want you to live in a country where "In God we Trust" is not on the money. I am not the one who doesn't want you to live in a country where Beelzebub is God. I'm not the one who wants you to live in a country where the lowest common denominator is the highest priority. I want you to live in a place like that were people "Do as thou wilst!" I just don't want the burden that comes along with living in a place like that. If you want to stick your penis in a place that rots then do it, just don't ask me to live in a place where we call it "Good," because its not. I've been patient with you and you decided to slap me for it. I would rather see the blood of my brother (people who do believe in the Word) spilled on the ground than call a curse a blessing to children. I will not condemn a child with lawlessness and call it good the way that you do. So I hope you do pass your amoral laws for your own selfish ends. And I will take that information back to the righteous and ask them to shed the burden of the Socialists through war. Knowing full well that I know how Beelzebub is under the feet of the Christ and you do not as your people attack the Lords people Beelzebub will claim your lives for himself. And he will laugh at you in your damnation.

M.B.R.

Subject: Jesus Can Cure You

Dan,

I read your rant against Ted Haggard. Let me be the first to tell you that Jesus can set you free from your sinful sexual behavior. I don't know what it is specifically, and don't need to know the specifics, but Jesus can set you free. Jesus can set Ted Haggard free as well. Haggard's mistake was hiding in shame, instead of bringing the struggle to the light, so that the Body of Christ could minister to him. There is hope and healing in Jesus.

I am involved in a ministry called Living Waters; a program of Desert Stream. It's a ministry to those who struggle with sexual sin (including homosexual sin) and relational problems. You might have heard of it, seeing that you are vehemently opposed to such ministries. We would welcome you to come seeking healing. I know several people who used to be "in the lifestyle", but are finding true joy in life without subjecting themselves to additional degradation. It isn't easy to walk out of something you have practiced for decades; but it is possible. All things are possible with God.

In Christ's Love, Tom