So, at last year’s Mercury Xmas party white elephant gift exchange I infamously gifted an axe. Which was great. Including the part where publisher Rob Crocker hacked a wooden duck to pieces in the middle of the party. Couldn’t script something like that if you tried.

I thought it was all over. I thought the white elephant was dead. There was talk of escalation. Who would bring a gun this year? Well, the accursed exchange happened but it just didn’t have the moxy that last year’s did. We called it in. Cest la vie.

There’s still hope though. Check it out, the maniacs at the the Grindhouse Film Festival are presenting the 1984 Christmas slashterpiece Silent Night, Deadly Night! tonight only at 9pm at the Hollywood Theatre, In glorious 35mm!

Check the press realese:

Gather round children, it’s that time of year again…we’ll hear crazy grandpa’s tales of a psychopathic Santa, we’ll see the cheesy montage scene, the gratuitous nudity, the sledding beheading, and of course, Billy’s maniacal killing spree accompanied by the extreme violence and his cries of “Punish!…PUNISH!”

Originally released on Christmas day, this violent tale of an axe wielding psycho in a Santa suit was promptly banned from theaters in a matter of days. Also a side note: Robert Rodriguez credits the crazy grandpa scene as being his favorite monologue in the history of cinema!

How does this tie-in to the axe story besides the on-screen murderin’?

They’re picking one lucky audience member who will receive a custom double bladed axe! If you’re lucky, you could go on your own Christmas day kill crazy rampage!

Jesus, I’m so there.

From all of us here at the Portland Mercury, we sincerely wish you and yours the happiest of holidays. And to insure your holiday will be a jolly one, here is an absolutely AMAZING video that can only have one title”¦
JAPANESE RODEO BIKINI PIE-FIGHTING.
(Yes, Virginia”¦ there is a Santa Claus.)

Tips to With Leather!

This just in from The Beauty singer, Todd Fadel. Insane.

Portland, OR glitch-soul band is chosen by Rolling Stone Magazine as one of the Top 25 Bands on Myspace

Rolling Stone magazine, in an effort to draw attention to the musical
talent represented on the ever-expanding, internet super-giant,
Myspace.com, announced a contest last week with the goal to find the
Top 25 Bands on Myspace.com. For a week, they invited ANY and EVERY
band to submit one song to be listened to by employees of the magazine.
During that time, 1700 songs were listened to, and they made their
final picks yesterday, which included local R&B innovators, THE BEAUTY.
As the band understands, the honor of being chosen means that the song
they submitted will be featured on Rollingstone.com, and will recieve a
mention in the print magazine.

The Beauty is made up of two Oregon natives who have been active in the Portland music community for over 15 years. Matt Zimmerman (Automattic) joined a band out of highschool in 1993 that played many well-known underground Portland venues, including La Luna, Satyricon and Roseland . He went on to tour nationally with the band, which gained much local support, with a regular 350-400 fans in attendance at every show. A few other collaborations landed him playing with a band at McMeniman's Crystal Ballroom. Todd Fadel (Falsetto) was taken to shows at the legendary all-ages venue, X-Ray Cafe, by Matt in 1991. There they saw the R&B singer JR Pella-fronted funk-rock band, Drunk at Abi's, and were inspired by the combination of soulful vocals and hardhitting guitar, bass and drums. Todd became a show promoter shortly thereafter, as well as fronting a locally-famous Star Wars tribute band that Zimmerman played bass for, where the members dressed up and wrote lyrics from the first-person perspective of the characters. Todd went on to start well-respected local all-ages venue, MEOW MEOW, in 2000, and became a father that same year. Zimmerman became a father two years later, and the bond of shared experience brought them together again. They decided to take the history they had shared together to start a wonderful collaboration for the future.

The Beauty is a result of the sacrifice of their Monday nights for the
last 4 1/2 years, where they've developed their sound and recorded it,
in the spare bedrooms of Zimmerman's humble North Portland home. Many
memorable shows have marked The Beauty's four-year history: an opening
slot for arab-jewish-dance-pop duo, Chromeo, an opening slot for UK
soul wonder, Jamie Lidell, many concerts on the 9ft-tall
bathroom-ceiling stage @ the world-famous Voodoo Doughnut, and many,
many fun basements, coffee shops and backyards of babysitters.

The song they chose to share with Rolling Stone is a song they wrote
their most devoted fan and most reliable babysitter, Abbi. They
unveiled the song at her 16th birthday party in the cluttered backyard
of her parent's house, complete with vegetable garden and porclain
birdbath. The song places her in a near-mythic light : "here she comes
in glory/wearing her life story/let me bear witness to her
lovingkindness", but also carries words of brotherly advice: "when your
lips get dry and chappy/just find a friend with lipbalm/and just stay
calm". The song aptly conveys the musical style of the band, with
signature blips and fuzz for the backbeat, and the cracked croons of
duo piercing their way through the analog fog. The band shows the
signs of maturity in the development of their sound, and the world
seems to be ready for what they could offer.

With the consistent public support of interesting soul/r&b act such as
Outkast and Gnarls Barkley, The Beauty feels that the time is right for
their material to take a larger stage, but they intend to share the
spotlight with their other Portland soul brethren. In 2007, they will
be hosting many spotlights on local soul/rhythm/dance acts entitled
"What's going ON Wednesdays" at recently-reopened ALL-AGES Satyricon
and cozy pub-crawler favorite, Towne Lounge. As they put it in their
song "Beautiful Music": "Don't you go hoarding all the sound/you know
there's plenty of beautiful music to go around".

Detective Daryl Turner with the Portland Police Bureau’s Drugs & Vice Division has a, um, warm holiday wish for much of Portland’s media, via the Portland Police Association’s latest newsletter:

Hoping the witch hunters enjoy their holidays

Chief Rosie Sizer joined us during our November Executive Board meeting. During the Chief’s visit, we talked about a number of issues including racial profiling, the James Chasse incident, and use of force issues, as well as our relationship with the local media, namely The Oregonian and The Portland Tribune. No matter which of these issues we talk about, there is no question in my mind that the media plays a vital part in how the public perceives the Portland Police Association and its officers.

I’m sure that I am not the only one who realizes that The Oregonian and The Portland Tribune take every opportunity to villainize Portland cops.

There’s a big difference between reporting on issues and incidents of interest and taking every opportunity to report inaccurate and untimely articles. There are certain reporters who think nothing of writing an article regarding current investigations of officers. They do this without regard for the officer’s family, even before the officer is found to have done anything wrong. They do this without concern of compromising the investigation and then they say that their sources come from within the Police Bureau. I don’t know what information comes out of anywhere else in the Police Bureau, but I do know that as for PPA members, we should be unified in not talking to the media outside of our job-related duties. Robert King speaks for the members of the PPA when the media needs comments regarding an issue or incident.

Except when Robert King never calls you back. But that’s the topic of another essay, I’m sure.

Turner goes on (the entire essay is after the cut) about how editors and writers need to “take into consideration the ramifications each individual officer, their spouses, their children, and other family members may suffer if not given the benefit of the doubt.” I’m all for respecting the cops, and trying to get an accurate sense of the difficulties of their job—as a whole, we here at the Portland Mercury (at least in the news department) like the police, and appreciate hearing their point of view. But it’s our job to ask the tough questions—it’s not our job to give cops a pass because they wear a blue uniform, and should therefore be implicitly trusted and given the benefit of the doubt.

I’d also like to point out to Turner that his description of cops—how they’re always on duty, watching over those backstabbing editors and writers—reads a lot like the description of a reporter.

Police officers that work weekends, holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Police officers that miss sporting events, school events and quiet dinners at home with their families and friends (yes we have families and friends). Police officers that stand out in the rain, expose themselves to physical dangers, health hazards and emotional abuse are out there doing their job to the best of their ability no matter what is written about them. No matter how inaccurate, untimely or malicious the articles may be.

Every one of those rings true to me, save for the missed sporting and school events. But I don’t have kids yet.

Finally, I find it ironic that Turner’s telling the media how to do our job—questioning the timeliness of stories and what’s worth writing about, accusing us of writing purposefully inaccurate stories—in the same newsletter that printed a letter to the editor that said in part “No one would tell a firefighter where to put the water on a house fire. The idea sounds crazy. Yet, as we all know, everyone wants to tell us how to do our job. I have thought about that issue for many years. Why do people think they know our job better than we do?”

Hoping the witch hunters enjoy their holidays Chief Rosie Sizer joined us during our November Executive Board meeting. During the Chief's visit, we talked about a number of issues including racial profiling, the James Chasse incident, and use of force issues, as well as our relationship with the local media, namely The Oregonian and The Portland Tribune. No matter which of these issues we talk about, there is no question in my mind that the media plays a vital part in how the public perceives the Portland Police Association and its officers.

I'm sure that I am not the only one who realizes that The Oregonian and The Portland Tribune take every opportunity to villainize Portland cops.

There's a big difference between reporting on issues and incidents of interest and taking every opportunity to report inaccurate and untimely articles. There are certain reporters who think nothing of writing an article regarding current investigations of officers. They do this without regard for the officer's family, even before the officer is found to have done anything wrong. They do this without concern of compromising the investigation and then they say that their sources come from within the Police Bureau. I don't know what information comes out of anywhere else in the Police Bureau, but I do know that as for PPA members, we should be unified in not talking to the media outside of our job-related duties. Robert King speaks for the members of the PPA when the media needs comments regarding an issue or incident.

Don't misunderstand my intent; the majority of the media in this city are fair for the most part and respectful. We all know which individuals out there are cop-haters. We need to cut off those who try to hurt us just to sell newspapers. I know that the Chief's office won't cut off these individuals because it's not good public relations to do so. So we need to lead the way when it comes to protecting our members and their families and when it comes to the type of information we give out to the media.

During this nation's earlier years, there was a practice called witch hunting. Designated village elders would take accused witches, totally submerge their bodies under water and if their bodies floated to the top of the water, then they were witches. If they drowned, then they weren't. I thought we had come away from those types of practices in this country, but to read the local newspaper articles related to police issues, maybe we haven't.

So as the editors and writers for the local newspapers sleep in their homes and enjoy the holidays with family and friends, I hope they remember that unseen and unheard unless needed or called upon, police officers are protecting them every hour of every day. Police officers that work weekends, holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. Police officers that miss sporting events, school events and quiet dinners at home with their families and friends (yes we have families and friends). Police officers that stand out in the rain, expose themselves to physical dangers, health hazards and emotional abuse are out there doing their job to the best of their ability no matter what is written about them. No matter how inaccurate, untimely or malicious the articles may be.

We are still sworn to an oath of honor, dignity and fairness to everyone, no matter who they are, what they look like or where they live. Maybe the next time an article in a local paper is written, the editors and writers will take into consideration the ramifications each individual officer, their spouses, their children and other family members may suffer if not given the benefit of the doubt.

More weirdness gleaned from the pages of Craigslist (that’s a bit like saying “more feathers gleaned from the recently killed duck I’m holding,” since Craigslist’s sole purpose, as far as I can see, is to supply weirdness to those looking for it, but still…):Hey, you! Want to know where all the NBA stars hang out after they’ve played the Blazers?

“I can tell you where and when the players go after the game I know which hotel they are at…. THE BENSON HOTEL 309 Southwest Broadway, Portland Oregon 97205. Also the players from the visiting team and some of the Blazers eat at the EL GUACHO resturant inside the hotel.

a.The Benson
b.El Gaucho
c.The Blazers

Thanks to Ezra for the heads-up. Apparently he glosses Craigslist regularly.

I had lunch at the No Fish Go Fish food cart (SW 5th & Yamhill) downtown today. Aside from their delicous little fish-shaped fritter thingies made with an array of enticing fillings, John Doyle esq. was serving up a holiday special; Stuffing-in-a-cup. It consists of savory croûtons smothered in a creamy vegetable soup infused with sage and other yummy intangibles.

Damn those boys make good soup! If you’re shopping downtown today you should do yourself a favor and eat some.

This holiday season, let’s give an extra big THANK YOU to Thighs Wide Shut for putting together what is surely the most comprehensive picture gallery of THE SEXY LADIES OF THE WONDER YEARS. Seriously, he’s included EVERYBODY (even ALICIA SILVERSTONE as “Jessica Thomas”)! This is just the sort of thing I would do if I didn’t have to clothe or feed myself.
Check it out HERE!

I’d like to “winnie” her “cooper.” DO YOU GET IT?!?

You have no idea how many bike-related I, Anonymous submissions we get every day, so it’s really nice when, every so often, we get a freaky little gem like this. I think it’s a little too long and wordy for the print version, but it really should be read:

You visit him once a night. The perfume delivered seconds before your Himalayan cleavage. He’s always glazed of sweat and splattered in leftovers when they arrive.You cringe, say something condescending, he laughs, looks down and scrubs away. But he gets your get-up, how they work, how they got you the work. And on a good week, you make it to work most of the time. He comes early, leaves late. Does the labor of two men. He fills the shift when I’m hung low. Leaves the dish pit immaculate—every time. He is the backbone of this joint. You are burdened with menus, the fuzzy math of seating two people at a two-top, and ten pounds of cosmetic zaftig. It is a wonder how you whine your way through a grueling shift with all these rigors. Yet, you do. He has never missed a shift. Never complained—not once. Not even in his native tongue. You “excused” yourself from work due to a tanning booth “malfunction.” He never breaks for lunch or dinner. But he likes to put his cock against the rotary belt of the dishwashing machine. You take three-hour liquid power lunches. He likes the vibes of the machine when he grabs some afternoon delight after everything has been done. He got carried away one afternoon, a lapse in concentration, the belt snagged his nutsack and tore an egg from the nest. Maimed and bloodied, he found a staple gun to cauterize the gaping wound. Then some duct tape to control the hemmoraghing. He finished his shift—stayed late. Told no one of his injury. You skipped work because of a pimple. He carted around an infected scrotum for weeks, oozing puss and bile the size of a ripe grapefruit. Never missed a shift, never showed the pain…his face calm and blank. Until he buckled one night, crumpled lifeless, glazed in sweat beneath the machine. I know you are borne of distant hemispheres. But, the next time you and your sunburned tits take another day off work to be with yourselves, you might consider asking a Bolivian dishwasher what he would do. I’m sure he’d give you his left nut to fill you in….if he only could.

I’m not in Portland right now—I’m in the bustling metropolis of Salt Lake City, Utah, and it’s exactly as awesome as you might imagine—and so I wasn’t going to post on the blog while I’m gone, but holy fucking shit, this needs to be done, right now.

I think it might be wrong to declare a movie “The Best Movie of All Time” based merely on a preview, but that’s what I’m going to do anyway with Rodriguez and Tarantino’s Grindhouse. I would literally kill somebody—yes, even you—if, by doing so, I was able to see these films right now. Here’s the new trailer (which includes parts from Tarantino’s film; the last one just had Rodriguez’s stuff). Shitty YouTube is below, but do yourself a favor and click here for better quality.

Earlier this year, Governor Ted Kulongski formed the Task Force on Equality to study the need for civil unions and/or anti-discrimination protections for gay and lesbian Oregonians, and to recommend legislative answers. Not surprisingly, the task force has recommended that:

1. “It should be the public policy of the State of Oregon to prohibit discrimination based on sexual orientation.”

2. “The State of Oregon should recognize same-sex relationships in a manner that confers important rights, benefits and responsibilities on committed same-sex couples, within the limits of Measure 36.”

In essence, the task force has recommended a resurrection of Senate Bill 1000, which combined both of those elements into on package, but died without a hearing once it made it to the Oregon House of Representatives (thanks a bunch, Karen Minnis). But beyond the recommendations, the task force’s report lays out evidence that argues for the need of such a bill, attempting to preemptively sweep the legs out from under possible opposition.

Through four public meetings over seven months, the task force collected testimony from people who’ve been discriminated against, and from business owners and civic leaders who are supportive of non-discrimination bills. They heard very little opposition, despite the meetings being open to the public. The only real opposition came from the folks at the Oregon Family Council, who were invited to testify at the hearing in Portland, but instead opted to voice their opposition at a less public opportunity.

“The Oregon Family Council questioned whether homosexual members of our society are actually still being victimized by prejudice or are today being denied rights and benefits available to their fellow citizens because of their sexual orientation,” the report reads. “[T]he task force determined that the answer to each of these questions is, unfortunately, ‘yes’.”

The OFC’s testimony was delivered by Georgene Rice, who served as the spokesperson for the Defense of Marriage Coalition, and who once said during a Measure 36 debate, “I would be sad if I had a daughter who was gay, the same way I’d feel bad if she was obese.”

Rice trotted out the same argument the OFC and DOMC have been thumping for years—that anti-discrimination protections are unnecessary because homosexuals are wealthier and better educated than breeders, although she didn’t provide any sources for this argument. (Incidentally, my gay friends would be pretty shocked to hear that they’re wealthier than us hets.)

Rice and the OFC believe that gays and lesbians aren’t discriminated against (and if anyone is an expert on homophobic discrimination, it’s people like the OFC), but why oppose such a bill, especially one that has an exemption for religious institutions? For the sake of argument, let’s say it is unnecessary, why expend energy opposing it?

Oh, here’s why:

[W]e see little evidence of discrimination. Instead, one might honestly conclude that a community of people who are enjoying the “American Dream” at a level far above the national average are using their political clout and influence to place themselves at an even greater advantage.

In Rice’s mind—and in the minds of people like OFC head Tim Nashif—prohibiting employers, schools, and landlords from discriminating on the basis of sexual orientation will finally bring about the “Gay Agenda” of dominating the country. Maybe that’s true; a ban on discrimination against religious beliefs has been on the books for a long, long time, and they’ve had an alarming amount of success pushing their agenda on the rest of us.

Curiously, Rice makes no mention of an opposition to civil unions. During the M36 campaign, the DOMC loudly said they’d support civil unions as long as Oregon voted to ban same-sex marriage. But, ha ha, as soon as SB1000 hit the legislature, they lobbied hard against it. And now they’re strangely quiet.

Without any allies in leadership positions, perhaps the DOMC has realized that they look to the rest of Oregon like a bunch of bigots and will step aside so that civil unions can get a fair shake. Yeah right. More likely is that they’re keeping their legislative strategy close to their chest.

The National Headache Foundation just sent over some handy hangover tips for the holiday weekend:

“¢ If you choose to drink alcohol, do so in moderation. (ha ha, good one!)

“¢ Eat some honey. I have never heard of this, but apparently if you eat a little honey before you start drinking it does some kind of chem-y shit that’s helpful. Huh.

“¢ Drink fluids containing minerals and salts. If you’re too weak from your hangover to do this yourself, con someone who tolerates you into flipping a boullion cube into some hot water. Drink it. It will replace some of the minerals (unfortunately brain cells are not minerals) your body is deprived of without making you want to throw up any more than you already do. Gatorade’s good too. Or just do what I did in college and use Gatorade as your mixer. Genius!

“¢ Drink a cup of coffee. First thing when you wake up.

“¢ Take ibuprofen. Better than asprin.

“¢Â Alternate non-alcoholic beverages with alcoholic beverages. Yes, well, we can try, I suppose.

“¢Â Eat greasy food before consuming alcohol. Ew.

I prefer hangover advice that involves spooky breakfast drink recipes that call for clamato juice and such. What are your tried and true methods?

It was reported today that Mike Evans, better known to TV lovers as “Lionel” from The Jeffersons and All in the Family died last week of throat cancer at the age of 57. Evans also went on to co-create and write for the awesome Good Times with Norman Lear. R.I.P. Lionel!

Ladies and Gentlemen, DJ Whoneedsarmsanyway?

If you’re looking for the perfect caroling song for this holiday season, look no further than this super catchy and ADORABLE number from RUN DMC entitled “Christmas in Hollis.” (Still not sure what to get Run DMC for Christmas? Think Adidas, gold chain, porkpie hat.)

And this time the infamous Portland ad agency is attracting intern candidates via YouTube.

Poor oldRich old Gus Van Sant—he got pulled over for a DUI at 2am yesterday.Officers pulled Portland’s world famous movie director over after they saw him driving his 2006 Porsche Cayenne down Burnside with no headlights on, accelerating sharply at a red light on 6th.

“He had glassy, watery, red eyes, slurred speech, and smelled strongly of alcohol,” says Police spokesman Brian Schmautz. Evidently, hanging out with the Zoobombers has led the Santster astray. He’s due to appear in court on January 17th at 8.30am.

I suppose this means DUIs are cool, now. I want one of those cars.

From this morning’s Oregonian:

When workers at a Stayton wood plant complained of feeling dizzy and lightheaded Tuesday, investigators first tested the air and water. They weren’t thinking holiday treats were to blame.

But after interviewing employees, Stayton police announced Thursday that drugged cookies left in a break room at the Weyerhaeuser Co. site probably were responsible for sending 15 workers to the hospital.

“After further investigation, they believe the homemade cookies were tainted with a foreign substance,” said a company spokesman, Greg Miller. “They suspect that foreign substance was marijuana.”

It happens more often than you think. In April 2005, we reported about a case of pot-laced Tollhouse cookies at the Oregon Clinic, which sent 11 people to the emergency room. (I know, right? The emergency room for pot? Rookies.)

On a related note, Amy Jenniges just brought in a whole bowlful of homemade cookies. I ate two. Someone get the number for 911 handy, because I might be stoned.

Any other suggestions for a clever title for this video?

How many times have you said to yourself, “I really wish I had a wife around, so I could listen to her NAG, NAG, NAG”? Well, YOU ARE IN LUCK. You don’t have to be married to hear the myriad of complaints women have about their men—just click over to TRUE WIFE CONFESSIONS, where you can read over 1300 confessions regarding lazy, fat, emotionally unavailable, cheating, no-good MEN. Such as this one”¦

Confession #1355

I’m tired of your laziness, I’m tired of your insensitivity, I’m tired of trying to help you ‘get it’ and ‘get me’.

I have had one of the worst days of my life today, and what do you do, you come home from our dog being euthanized and fall asleep on the couch. You do not try to console me or comfort me..no sirreee Bob, you come home and you fall asleep.

I am tired of being a blip on the radar of your life. I’m tired of the charade of being the dutiful little pastors wife, just happy to be here. I’m tired.

I’m tired of being ignored, I’m tired of not being valued and I’m tired of living this lie.

I am going home for a week. I’m going to decide if I want to be married to you or not anymore. Right now buddy, the odds are not in your fucking favor.

Or this one”¦

Confession #1356

You once told me that you’d love me, sex or no sex, kids or no kids. I gave you a son. Now leave me alone.

It’s like our own I, Anonymous—except without all the bitching about bike helmets!

In her great Xtra Tuf ‘zine series, Moe Bowstern writes about life as a commercial fisherman. She’s a solid storyteller, and puts a lot of history, life, and philosophy into her tales of hardcore fishing. You can get her new book, Xtra Tuf #5, right here, but you can also see her in action tonight at Liberty Hall (311 N Ivy) where she’s participating in the Annual Winter Solstice Puppet Show.

What does this have to do with her ‘zine writing? I’m not sure, but considering I’ve dug everything she’s done so far (she also writes the This Little Light of Mine and Second Set Out ‘zines) I’m thinking tonight should be good. The time is 9 pm. The cover is free. The audience is YOU.

Here's the official word on her new book:

"Moe Bowstern has brought us the inside story about being a woman who
fishes commercially for years. If that doesn't seem fascinating to you,
you have another thing coming. Moe is an amazing storyteller and reveals
much about the history of commercial fishing in Alaska through a very
descriptive and personable narrative that can be understood by any
layperson. She tells great stories of the crews she's been involved with
and their dynamics as well being a woman involved in a very male dominated
profession. Moe has a passion for fishing and the sea and she shares this
with you in her zine. This is her story of being on the job and "how she
got xtra tuf" on a few different episodes of labor disagreements that held
up work (technically not "strikes") over many years. Fascinating reading
as she combines her artistic and DIY sensibilities with the labor tactics
in order to achieve the fishermen's goals and get everyone back to work!
The book sports a fancy letter pressed cover by Third Termite Press with 30
different colors schemes. Check out the new issue of Smithsonian Magazine
for an article about Moe and the Fisher Poets!"

In what can only be desribed as a noble pursuit, Denwave (811 E Burnside) is making a concerted effort to beef up their menswear department. And not being lazy about it, either. They’ve just picked up Berlin’s ADD. Here’s what the store’s Genevieve Dellinger has to say about it:

the line is ADD, from Berlin, something i scouted out when i was there in the summertime. it’s an androgynous, season-less line, but this run we decided to order only for men ( as always, beefing up our mens selection). it’s a very slim, european fit…very sexy. hopefully we’ll do well with it and be able to bring in the female counterparts!

Check the website, dudes.

ALSO, they’re planning a menswear fashion show for sometime in late Feb/early March. Has there EVER been an all-menswear fashion show in Portland?

Wikipedia just posted this list of Simpsons Characters together with their Portlandish origins. For example:
And so on. What can I say? Since I’m stuck here for Xmas I may as well dwell on it.

Oregon Partnership just killed Christmas, in a way, sort of, by getting Kohl’s (do they even have any Oregon stores?) to pull drinking games from their shelves. The games sounded fun—they’d have made great gifts! They involved ping-pong, roulette, and other “high-risk” activities, according to Oregon Partnership. (Ping-pong and drinking do NOT mix, apparently. Someone will put an eye out!)

Here’s the Kohl’s roulette, beer pong, and darts games (they were on sale for just $5.99 and $8.99!) that Oregon Partnership decided you can’t have anymore:

KOHL’S AGREES TO STOP SELLING BINGE DRINKING GAMES!

It didn’t take long for Kohl’s Department Stores to respond to complaints by Oregon Partnership about the sale and promotion of drinking games.

“Be assured that the remaining games are being removed from all Kohl’s stores and on line,”� said Kohl’s spokeswoman Julie Landro in a call and e-mail to Oregon Partnership President/CEO Judy Cushing.

This past week, Oregon Partnership, a statewide non-profit organization providing alcohol and drug prevention education and treatment referral, asked that Kohl’s pull the drinking game products from its stores.

“We’re delighted that Kohl’s took this responsible action, and we thank them,”� said Cushing. “These games have no place in the gift section of a department store that caters to families.”�

During the current holiday season, Kohl’s, the national department store chain with more than 800 locations nationwide ““ including Portland ““ was promoting high-risk drinking by selling drinking games involving darts, roulette, and ping-pong.

Other chains ““ including Linens “˜n Things and Urban Outfitters ““ are selling similar drinking games. Oregon Partnership has written letters to these companies and will continue to fight to make sure retailers understand they should stop selling such appalling products.

“These are products that should not be sold by responsible retailers,”� said Pam Erickson, Oregon Partnership deputy director. “Intentionally or not, they encourage binge drinking.”�

Such games as “Shots and Ladders Game Set”� and “Keg Pong”� are prominently displayed on Linen n’ Things store shelves, while “1000 Drinking Games”� and “Outrageous Drinking Games”� can be found at Urban Outfitters.

The rest of the entirely annoying release is after the cut.

According to the Urban Outfitters website, their stores "create an emotional bond with the 18-30 year old target customer,"� yet they are selling products promoting alcohol use to a customer base, a portion of which is underage.

Erickson points out that December has been declared Drinking and Drugged Driving Awareness Month. "So what good does this do if we cannot get the cooperation of our citizens and business communities in halting practices that encourage people to abuse alcohol and run the risk of alcohol poisoning."�

This past fall, Oregon Partnership was successful in convincing Macy's and Bloomingdales department stores to stop selling t-shirts promoting drinking. The shirts had been sold in the stores' "back-to-school"� sections.

"Once Federated Department Stores heard our explanation that the product encouraged underage drinking, they pulled the shirts right away from all their stories nationwide"� added Erickson.

The Governor’s Task Force on Equality, which was created as a sort of prelude to the looming fight over civil unions and anti-discrimination protections for gays and lesbians, has released its report. Click here to download the full thing. I’m still going through it, so I’ll have some thoughts later. But feel free to chime in.

God has finally chosen to punish Denver residents BY SENDING THEM A SNOW STORM FROM HELL. And we’re being punished, too, PDX’ers. Because many of us wanted to fly out of here for Xmas on airplanes. But here’s a shot of Denver’s airport entrance to Hades right now:They’ve canceled thousands of flights today, and my wife’s parents were just told the next flight they could get into Denver is on December 28th. So we’re not going anywhere. Fortunately, help is at hand! The Mercury’s BusyWeek section is full of fun stuff to distract the stranded PDX’er from feelings of helplessness, despair, isolation, and general misery. Like I say, this Christmas is going to be just dandy. I’m going to dress up like Bing Crosby and croon about Portland being Cold Outside.And as everybody knows, any Bing Crosby impression is made all the more convincing, and fun to perform, by first drinking a huge bottle of Gin:I wasn’t going to post that last picture, but doesn’t just looking at the bottle make you feel better? Cheers.

Dan Saltzman’s hilariously graphic set of new parks conduct rules have been set aside until mid-January, but he’s not waiting on one part of his plan—banning smoking in Pioneer Courthouse Square and in children’s playgrounds in all city parks.

Saltzman has signed the ban, which will go into effect January 1, just in time to assist with all those “quitting smoking” New Year’s resolutions.

In case it escapes anyone’s mind, both Pioneer Courthouse Square and all of the city’s parks are outside.

“Second-hand smoke, containing over 43 cancer-causing agents, is a substantial public health hazard that causes an estimated 800 deaths a year in Oregon alone,” Saltzman said, although it was unclear how many of those deaths were caused by secondhand cigarette smoke outside, where the only thing more prevalent than ventilation is car exhaust.

Happy 40th Birthday to KIEFER SUTHERLAND!

Kiefer: “Ohhh”¦ why did you have to use that picture?”

Click here, scroll down, and vote for Slog. Thank you.

Oh, and feel free to vote for squirrel while you’re at it.

For those who have been following what could shake out as the greatest battle of the year (DONALD TRUMP vs. ROSIE O’DONNELL), last night the Donald struck back at Rosie’s claims that he has horrific hair and is a “snake-oil salesman” by spending two minutes telling her how fat and ugly she is. Want to hear Rosie’s response to this slight? LET’S GO TO THE VIDEO! (Thanks BWE!)

Now who’s side are you on?

Hasselhoffing: The act of changing a colleague’s desktop wallpaper to display the manly physique of David Hasselhoff. Example, “Dear God man! I leave my workstation for a few moments to visit the big boys room and you’ve Hasselhoffed me!”

Here’s E*Rock’s list of his top ten records of 2006. What are yours? Do you agree with his? Please discuss. No fighting. Okay, you can fight. No biting, though, because that’s just gross.

1. Ratatat - Classics
2. White Flight - White Flight
3. Birdman & Lil’ Wayne - Like Father, Like Son
4. Hot Chip - The Warning
5. Justice - Waters of Nazareth 2
6. Bobby Birdman - Giraffes & Jackals (CD version)
7. International Pony - Mit Dir sind wir Vier
8. White Rainbow - Box
9. Lips & Ribs ““ demos
10. Copy Mobius Beard

The man who said that, the president of Turkmenistan, died today.While I can’t admire Saparmurat Niyazov’s reputation as a dictator (well, not officially, at least), here are some things I can admire about him:

1.”in addition to renaming several schools, airports and even a meteorite after himself and his immediate family. He even named the months, and days of the week after himself and his family.

2.”statues of himself and his mother are scattered all over Turkmenistan, including one in the middle of the Karakum Desert as well as a gold-plated statue atop AÅŸgabat’s largest building, the Neutrality Arch, that rotates so it will always face into the sun and shine light onto the capital city.

3.He was given the hero of Turkmenistan award five times.

4.In April 2004, urging young people not to get gold tooth caps or gold teeth, suggesting instead that they chew on bones to preserve their teeth.

5.In November 2005, ordering that physicians swear an oath to him instead of the Hippocratic Oath.

6.The Tapei Times reports that the Turkmen leader changed the Turkmen word for bread, and name of the month of April, to that of his late mother.

Now, compare Niyazov’s reputation to that of Portland’s mayor, Tom Potter.Potter, according to his Wikipedia page, has never even tried to name a meteorite after himself. What a LOSER.

So new the paint is barely dry, I went to the new eastside bar The Victory last night (on the corner of 37th and Division, right across from the E Room). Opened by some of the hotties you’ll recognize from the Aalto, it’s a decent sized space with a good wine selection and a menu of small but scrummy plates of food. We tried the champagne anchovy salad with fennel, olives, arugula, and satsumas (I don’t know what satsumas is, but whatever it was is good), mussels steamed with gruner veltliner and meyer lemons, and a pork belly dish that apparently was a special because now that I look at the menu it’s not there—but it was delicious. Other things that were sorely tempting: The daily pate (I believe it was chicken), baked spaetzle, gruyere cheese, crispy shallots (AKA fancy mac and cheese, always a good idea), ricotta and chanterelle raviolis with quince and sage brown butter, braised short rib, cranberries, and a parsnip cake. I don’t do dessert, but if you swing that way, these sound interesting: bourbon and mint pot de creme and semolina pine-nut torte. They also have of-the-moment cheese and charcuterie plates, soup, etc. Recommended!
Oh wait, apparently these are satsumas:

Japanese oranges. Thanks, google image, for our word of the day.

Forget this Christmas business—I’m keeping my eye on the real holiday, New Year’s Eve. Currently, a handful of friend and I hold four or five reservations for dinner around town (we’re incredibly indecisive). We hope to actually choose one spot tonight so we can cancel the rest.

But after dinner, it’s looking like we’ll be hitting a friend’s house for a wild night of… board games. That sounded like a brilliant idea two weeks ago, but now I’m getting the party itch. What’s the best bet in town that night? We’re assembling a list, so let us know where you’ll be—we don’t want to miss anything.

It seems like the last time the Trail Blazers won five straight games, basketball was only being played by a bunch of bearded Mennonites using Peach Baskets for hoops. Ok, maybe not that long ago, but regardless, the Blazers are on a very impressive win streak with last night’s 89-87 victory over the Houston Rockets.

Tomorrow night they are at home against the Toronto Raptors, but until then, let’s all enjoy this picture of Jarrett Jack schooling Yao Ming under the basketball.

God, I love this team.

It would be this.

Now normally, this is the gossip slow season—because everyone is too busy with real life issues like shopping and making fruit cake to get into any real kind of trouble. HOWEVER! Leave it to ROSIE O’DONNELL to throw a beautiful wrench into the works! Backstory: After DONALD TRUMP forgave Miss USA for snorting coke and tongue-kissing Miss Teen USA (and who wouldn’t?), Rosie used her pulpit on The View to call him a snake-oil salesman and make fun of his hair. WELL! TRUMPY DON’T PLAY THAT. So not only is he threatening to sue O’Donnell, he went on ENTERTAINMENT TONIGHT, and recorded the following two-minute long litany of fat and ugly jokes at Rosie’s expense. Trust me when I say, IT’S OUT OF CONTROL!

So, who’s side are you on? TEAM DONALD or TEAM ROSIE?

We’re getting all jolly for this episode of BUMP IT OR DUMP IT with this rare track from freak folk/hiphop artist the WINTER WARLOCK who is fronted on this song by Norway’s Kris Kringle. Now, I totally think this one bumps, and whenever I hear it, I find myself bumping one foot in front of the other, right out the door. But check it for yourself RIGHT HERE, and let us know”¦ will you”¦
BUMP IT”¦ OR DUMP IT?

Over at the Colbert Report’s site, you can check out footage of last night’s Decemberists guitar face off.

There are several clips, featuring guest stars like Henry Kissinger, Eliot Spitzer, and Peter Frampton. Enjoy!

Intro:

Meet the Judges:

Chris Funk Throws Down:

Colbert Takes Him On:

And the Winner Is?

From the city’s website:Dear Sir,

I would like to apply for the position of Portland’s GOLF CZAR. I know you want to do this by committee, but trust me, it’ll be better for all involved if you only hire ME. My approach to budget problems is to ignore them, which I believe sets me up well for a job on city council. Meanwhile, I intend to simply pay John Daly whatever he wants to come out here and design a “grip it and rip it” course for punks. Golf needs a czar, not a steering group. I’m your man.

Matt Davis

ps. If you do decide to install a committee, please consider my colleague, Lance Chess. He is of like mind where the future of this city’s golf courses is concerned.

This week, I reviewed Sam Harris’ newish book, Letter To A Christian Nation, in celebration of the holiday. Last Christmas, my wife and I were making the hellish drive to Central California and stumbled across a wayward NPR signal in the wilds between Redding and Sacramento, and caught a speech Harris gave at Idea City 2005. It made the trip—and the prospect of religious-themed visits with the family—slightly more bearable.

Through the wonders of YouTube, here’s the speech he delivered (he’s a much better writer than a speaker, and you’ll have to ignore the fact that he looks like a cross between Seth Green and Ben Stiller, but still, if you can spare the 25 minutes, it’s well worth your time):

Oh, and as for the title of this post—if the little atheist or budding atheist in your life hasn’t already picked up a copy, either of Harris’ books, End of Faith and Letter To A Christian Nation, or Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion, would make a fantastic gift.

I kind of figured this year’s Children of the Revolution festival (going down at Audio Cinema on January 6) was going to be good but I had no idea how good. Check out the press release on this one…

Children Of The Revolution: 2nd Annual Modern Festival January 6th 2007

Audio Cinema 226 se Madison

3:00pm-Close

$10

Featuring:
Danava
Rabbits
Glass Candy
Old Haunts
Shaky Hands
31 Knots
Fleshtone
Wet Confetti
Mustaphamond
Scout Nibblet
Argumentix
Ghost to Falco
Siberia
Yellow Swans
Show Me The Pink
The Better To See You With (pictured below)

In the spirit of creativity and togetherness Children Of the Revolution has put together the 2nd installment of their annual festival. The event will take place on the 6th of January at Audio Cinema. The line up combines 16 of Portland’s finest musicians as well as 16+ emerging visual artists in an effort to link the diverse amount of artistic talent taking place in this town. Tickets can be purchased at Tube, Rotture, O3 Records, and Bishops.

This January, The Children of the Revolution will move forward with its mission by tapping into the many creative facets of our local community. The collective will hold a massive and remarkable event that will bring together diverse and isolated talents surfacing in Portland.

About Children of The Revolution:
There is an ever-increasing range of skills, talents, and expertise in our local, subterranean art world. Though these projects are equally innovative and progressive, the creative nerve centers that generate these growing forces tend to stay isolated from one another. Children of the Revolution intends to bring an ultra modern idea into view, bridging the gaps that divide these nerve centers.

There has always been a long lineage of artists coming together as a collective with a belief of strengthening a creative community within themselves and others. Children of The revolution is bringing together what is already there by planning a wide range of events involving local businesses, artists, musicians and craftsmen. Thus, creating a collective that encourages people to move forward, take chances in their lives, follow their ambitions and satisfy their need to create.

Tomorrow night, pay some respect to those who’ve lost their lives on the streets of P-town this year.

Via Street Roots:

The annual Homeless Memorial Service takes place Thursday, Dec. 21, 6-7 p.m., in the courtyard at Outside In, 1132 SW 13th Ave., in Portland. The event honors those who have died homeless, and those who still struggle with homelessness. All are welcome.

Thanks to BWE to pointing us to this classic Mickey Mouse Club sketch featuring the pre-teen holy trinity of JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, BRITNEY SPEARS and CHRISTINA AGUILERA. Wow! Discovering this is like a Christmas miracle! WARNING: While watching this video, try not to think of Britney’s “va-jay-jay.”

Yippee-ki-yi-YAY, the new Transformers trailer is out today, and it looks pretty freaking AWESOME. Check it out HERE, and let us know what you think! (My favorite parts: The teenager in the Strokes shirt about to be squashed, the kid with the My Little Pony about to be squashed, and the earth about to be squashed. Mass destruction has never looked so sexy!)

Saying Jona Bechtolt is just “Jona from the Blow” isn’t quite accurate. He’s also Jona from YACHT, Jona from UrbanHonking, Jona who’s appeared on a ton of your favorite records, etc. Here are some of his. What are yours?

1. Dear Nora - There Is No Home
2. Adrian Orange - Bitches is Lord
3. Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds
4. Bobby Birdman - Giraffes & Jackals
5. Lucky Dragons - Widows
6. Planningtorock - Have It All
7. Valet - Blood Is Clean
8. RATATAT - Classics
9. White Rainbow - BOX
10. Dirty Projectors - New Attitude EP

Just a couple steps behind film editor Erik Henriksen, I got to attend a press screening at the new, glitzy Living Room Theater this morning. They look close to being done with all the construction, but the much-discussed digital experience that is one of the theater’s primary selling points (and supposed part of explanation for the also much debated $15 ticket price, was not yet in effect. So I can’t speak to what the technical experience is as of yet. Awesomely, while some of the friendlier local thater’s will offer the press some light refreshments at screenings, such as a soda or that one time I scored a piece of pizza, I was barely in the door before I was offered my pick from a variety of pastries, and coffee from their fully equipped espresso getup. My bagel was served with a generous dollop of cream cheese, on a real plate with real silverware and a real napkin, and when I declined the coffee (I won’t touch the stuff), I was immediately accomodated with green tea, all served up by a young man who was the friendliest person I’d encountered all morning. The theaters are small (I saw two of them), with about five rows of big, cushiony chairs and ample arm rests with cupholders for all the food and drink they serve. (Although I was surprised they didn’t have some kind of table rigged up, similar to how they do at the pub theaters. After all, for the length of a film you might want a pitcher or a carafe of something, not just a single glass, and somewhere other than your arm rest, your lap, or the—how gauche!—floor to put your plate.) There were also some plush looking swivel chairs in the way back, if that floats your boat.

While Erik’s post and many of the responses to it moaned and groaned about the unaffordability of the place, yeah, it’s more expensive than regular theaters which are already too expensive. And yeah, like many of you I usually just wait until movies play at the pub theaters or show up at the video store. But unless all of you are the under-employed freegans living in shared basement housing in North Portland that you’re acting like, at least some of you are kind of overdoing it on the poormouthing. I’m not saying it isn’t a little decadent, but jesus, live a little.

Either way, I hope this place survives. I have a good feeling that once the owners get everything in order and stop apologizing for this and that not being ready, and if enough financially reckless people go there now and again—on special occasions, dates, or when their parents are in town to pay for everything—that the theater does well, it’s going to be a favorite spot for us film screeners.

Even this cat makes more money than you.

Sure, TV’s all about reality now, but it used to be about fantasy. Total fantasy.

What ever happened to fantasy, man? I miss it. I really do.

Dear Mercury readers,

I’m hoping you can help me out. Before and after arriving in Oregon, I’ve been told the following, about sixty different ways: “It’s much more okay, ethically and morally, to visit a strip club in Portland than it would be anywhere else.” Which is great. And since this is an argument I’m all for, who am I to question it?! But why?

Last night I had the good fortune to visit Portland’s Acropolis strip club/steak house and, thanks to the Chas, was treated to much special attention because he kept telling them it was “my first time.” He also told them today is his birthday, which seemed to elicit the same kind of response, so happy birthday, Chas! The $4 steak was excellent, and I thoroughly enjoyed eating it medium rare with blood dribbling down my chin while the strippers gyrated, inches from my plate. I’m not sure my mother would approve, but I’m getting therapy for that, and trust me, exploring those issues has taken a while. Back to the point. Help!

Yours,

Needing Ammunition Supporting Titty Yuletrip

Our favorite comic book writer, Brian K. Vaughan, has just announced that he’s joining the writing crew of Lost. And we couldn’t be more excited.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen the show since the first season, due to a schedule that keeps me away from the television on most Wednesday nights, so now I’m going to be forced to rent the entire second season to catch up, and fire up the ol’ VCR to record the new episodes.

Here’s what the man himself has to say:

But, yes, inexplicably, I’ve been hired as an Executive Story Editor by the fantastic television show LOST. As I’m neither an executive nor an editor, this is really just a fancy Hollywood way of saying that I’ve joined the writing staff.

I can’t talk about much more than that, so I implore you to please stop asking me what the island is, who the Others are, how Matthew Fox smells, etc. Still, I will say that I’m insanely honored to join such an amazing group of writers (some of their new scripts I’ve been lucky enough to read are destined to become the best episodes of the series), and I’m very grateful to Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse for having so much faith in me. … Mostly, I just don’t want to screw up a show that I love.

In the same post, BKV reveals that he’s also going to be writing four issues of Joss Whedon’s Buffy the Vampire Slayer “8th season” series for Portland’s own Dark Horse Comics.

The Mercury’s resident geek, Erik Henriksen, says he’s “stoked out of my fucking mind. … I don’t care much about Lost anymore (it got lame and boring) but I’ll start watching again for Vaughan, and the idea of him working in the Buffy-verse gets me excited in all sorts of unsavory and inappropriate ways.”

I can’t believe I’m friends with someone who nonchalantly uses the term “Buffy-verse.”

At any rate! It’s good news for the winner of our holiday auction’s “Comic Geek” item, which featured signed copies of BKV’s Pride of Baghdad, Ex Machina, and Y: The Last Man, who now has signatures from a real life TV writer.

Grade Digger: Girl who only talks to you for help with her classes. Example: ‘“Yo, who was that chick at the union?’ ‘Nothing, grade digger.”’

Mount St.Helens is erupting.

Yet another reason NOT to see the new ROCKY BALBOA—other than it SUCKS. Director Sly Stallone has been in conference calls with religious leaders, to discuss his recent rediscovery of Christ, and how Hollywood should make more films the whole family can see. Or conversely, one Rocky film since the original that is worth seeing by anyone.

“We need the God-fearing script, the script that really deals with compassion and deals with the word of Jesus and God, and believe me, people will rally behind it because we need it,” Stallone said in a late November conference call to Christian leaders.

This article in the San Francisco Chronicle talks about how certain producers are pitching their movies to evangelistic Christians to drum up revenue—a strategy that for MEL GIBSON paid off big time.

Stallone promised religious leaders that he will evangelize while promoting “Rocky Balboa” on the talk show circuit. “I do plan to get out that this is a film with great spirituality, this is a film that to me was driven home by the guidance of God,” Stallone said. However, he didn’t mention such an influence during recent interviews on National Public Radio and on ABC’s “Good Morning America.”

COMING SOON: Sly’s newest film, “Stop, Or the Lord My God Will Shoot!”

Here are Spoon singer Britt Daniel’s favorite records of 2006. What were yours?

Britt Daniel — Spoon
1. Eric Bachman - To the Races
2. Peter Bjorn & John - Writer’s Block
3. Lily Allen - Alright, Still
4. Black Nasty - Aids Can’t Stop Me
5. Dr. Octagon - The Return of Dr. Octagon
6. The Drones - Wait Long by the River and the Bodies of Your Enemies Will Float By
7. Ray LaMontagne - Til the Sun Turns Black
8. Yo La Tengo - I Am Not Afraid of You and I Will Beat Your Ass
9. …And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead - So Divided
10. Sound Team - Movie Monster

Just in time for the holidays, a captive Kimono Dragon has pulled-off an immaculate conception.

‘Nuff said.

News that the Regional Arts & Culture Council (RACC) couldn’t find a Chinese Restaurant in Chinatown big enough to host a meeting about the offensive dragon sculpture on NW 3rd Ave appears to have stirred a wider debate, summed up, tabloid-style on this t-shirt, which Old Town/Chinese residents might like to wear to said meeting down on 82nd:So: How, exactly, did the PDC, which commissioned the RACC to install the dragon, FUCK Chinatown? In the comments to yesterday’s blog, one poster at least partially answered the question:

1.Bet you didn’t know at one point less than two years ago, the large Asian supermarket Uwajimaya approached PDC about putting in a mixed use building with a grocery and retail on the bottom and housing on top (much like they have in Seattle) but that PDC blew them off claiming that all money was tied up in the Chinatown mall project (which includes crappy statue) and the new Firestation project (which has also gone haywire). Yes, right, PDC certainly had their priorities straight on Chinatown.

2.PDC had 30 years to use urban renewal funding and programs for Chinatown to help the district and they blew most of the funding on the Pearl, Waterfront Park and “sexy” projects of interest to the white community such as the Chinese Classical garden rather than do any real community development for the area.

3.Also, did you know, PDC did not even have one staff person of either Chinese or even Asian heritage working on the Chinatown urban renewal project? That right there should tell you how clueless PDC has been about being able to work with property owners (many of them non-native English speakers) and in doing outreach to the community.

4.Furthermore, even as late as last year PDC chose to divert federally funded tax credits that were meant to be used in low-income communities in the Chinatown area and surroundings and instead used them for a glossy project less than 1/4 a mile away (Portland Armory in the Pearl) creating even more lost opportunities for the area.

The cute picture above is of Trail Blazer Jarrett Jack doing some service to the community (insert outdated Jailblazers “community service” joke here) and helping out Big Brothers Big Sisters Columbia Northwest.

But tonight, Jack and Co., might need a tiny child on their shoulders to take on the massive Yao Ming and the Houston Rockets. While Yao is not the dolphin-loving man who has been in the news as of yet, he is 7”6 and rapidly becoming the NBA’s most dominating Center.

Also, Bonzi Wells is back. He’s a dick.

The Regional Arts & Culture Council is inviting Old Town/Chinatown residents who are pissed off with the “offensive dragon” sculpture on NW 3rd Ave to a mediation meeting 8.6 miles away, in Montavilla. Since the meeting, to be held on January 8th at the Legin Restaurant on SE Division, is to discus