This just in: Every one of the state’s elected officials may currently be high on drugs. That’s the message from the House Interim Committee on the Judiciary, which has requested a House bill that would require all of the top officials in the state to undergo drug tests twice a year.

And it’s about time! Look at this photo we took of Gov. Ted Kulongoski. He’s not even hiding it!

Here’s an excerpt from House Bill 2306:

Twice each calendar year, the following officials shall submit to a drug test designed to detect the presence of Schedule I or II controlled substances:

(a) The Governor.

(b) The Secretary of State.

(c) The Attorney General.

(d) The State Treasurer.

(e) The Superintendent of Public Instruction.

(f) The Commissioner of the Bureau of Labor and Industries.

(g) The Chief Justice and the judges of the Supreme Court.

(h) The Chief Judge and the judges of the Court of Appeals.

(i) The members of the Legislative Assembly.

(2) The Oregon State Police shall administer the drug test required by this section. The Oregon State Police shall establish the times and places at which the tests are administered.

(3) Refusal to submit to a drug test as required by this section is an admission that the public official has taken a Schedule I or II controlled substance without legal authorization.

If a public official fails a drug test, they’ll be forced into a treatment program by the state police, but it’ll be kept quiet. If they fail a subsequent test or refuse to go into treatment, the information will be made public. Which, you might have noticed, sounds an awful lot like blackmail.

But, of course, it’s the only way to make sure that the governor, or, say, the BOLI commissioner, isn’t high on crack while they’ve got their finger on the button.

But wait! That isn’t all—House Bill 2298 would create a “crime of possession of controlled substance by consumption.” In less legalistic terms, that means that if you’re high—even if you don’t have anything else on you—you can be charged with possession, a Class B misdemeanor, punishable by up to $2,500 and six months in prison.

I get it—if you’re high on a substance, you’ve technically got some of it inside you, meaning you’re in “possession” of it. But given that it’s in your body, doesn’t punishing you for possessing it violate your rights against unreasonable search and seizure?

Even if not, I’m pretty sure the answer to society’s problems, including jail overcrowding, isn’t increasing the criminality of recreational drugs.