As mentioned earlier on Blogtown, they’re shooting a movie RIGHT OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. I get excited about this sort of shit.

So for the past few days they’ve been building a fake restaurant underneath the Broadway Bridge (said fake restaruant’s clever name is “Bridge Diner”). Here are some cell phone pics of the set, courtesy of the Mercury’s food/theater editor, Ms. Alison Hallett. You can’t tell from these, but it’s actually quite impressive up close—it looks all weathered and beat-up, grungy and Portland-y, and there’s even fake moss stuck on parts of it. In short, it looks like it’s been sitting/rotting/serving up delicious diner food for decades. My only wish it that it really was a diner for real, because I like pancakes, and this place looks like they’d have excellent pancakes—plus, it’d be close to my house, so maybe I could eat breakfast with Diane Lane pretty regularly, which could be sort of awesome, I guess. I’d ask her what it was like to be in Judge Dredd. I’d bet a pretty penny that Rob Schneider is a real cut-up on set!

If you want to check it out yourself, it’s on Naito Parkway, uh… yeah. Right underneath the giant red bridge.

I’m convinced that the Rev. Haggard was locked in a room and forced to watch SAMWELL’s “What What (In the Butt)” on repeat until he renounced his gay-lovin’ ways. Watch it yourself, and decide if this video has made you less gay.

Haggard certainly wasn’t forced to watch Portland musician Logan Lynn’s new video for the remix of Come Home—it would have made the Rev way more gay. In a good (and also very dirty, and probably a little NSFW) way.

Come Home (Thirteen Puzzle Pieces REMIX)

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As mentioned previously today, it only took Rev. Ted Haggard a scant three weeks of therapy to turn from a male-prostitute lovin’ closeted gay into a homophobic heterosexual b-hole. Naturally, that’s just impossible on a number of levels… OR IS IT??
After watching this AMAZING video, I’m convinced that the Rev. Haggard was locked in a room and forced to watch SAMWELL’s “What What (In the Butt)” on repeat until he renounced his gay-lovin’ ways. Watch it yourself, and decide if this video has made you less gay.

Tip o’ the hat to Perez Hilton!

“Warner Bros have been building up their publicity machine for Harry’s first—chaste—screen kiss when the next Potter film (Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix) comes out in the summer. Now our star is out there doing full-frontal sex. We’ve been blown completely out of the water by this.”

One of Portland’s oldest downtown shelters has thrown a wrench into the works of Tom Potter’s Street Access For Everyone (SAFE) committee—by turning down its offer to site benches outside. MISSION: “Get your benches AWAY FROM ME!”

The Portland Rescue Mission doesn’t want benches outside on Burnside—leaving its waiting clientele vulnerable to arrest when the mayor’s SAFE committee makes it illegal to sit or lie on the sidewalk as planned. The SAFE group’s first five benches went in today, at several downtown spots where homeless regularly congregate, including outside the Blanchet House at 3rd and NW Glisan, and at Transition Projects, Inc, two blocks West on Glisan and 5th.

But the Rescue Mission refused any benches when it was contacted this week, following a walking tour by city and social service representatives on Monday—saying it “did not want a lot of people lingering during the day,” according to the Mayor’s spokesman, John Doussard—the Mission offers overnight shelter and meals at certain points during the day, but homeless people have to wait outside until it opens.

More after the jump…

This latest development puts the SAFE group in a tricky spot: "This was a critical piece for the ACLU to agree to the SAFE report," says Andrea Meyer of the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), who sat on the SAFE group, and opposes the mayor's controversial sit/lie ordinance. "If , indeed, there are really few benches and they are not being placed where homeless people naturally congregate, then that would be very disappointing to us and would suggest that there is yet to be full implementation of the report."

The Mission, at the West end of the Burnside Bridge, is known as one of the city's biggest problem locations as far as the downtown's "liveability" is concerned, with homeless people frequently gathering in large groups on the sidewalk outside. The mayor's office would not comment further, but said 14 more benches are planned, and it is yet to decide where to put them. A call this morning to the Rescue Mission has gone unreturned.

This is not the first time the Rescue Mission has been hostile to the SAFE group's plans—last November it refused to moderate its policies denying benefits to same-sex partners, based in its religiosity, meaning the city had to look elsewhere to contract for a planned day access center as part of its work. As the University of Oregon prepares to open next door to the Mission, in 2008, the question is, for whom is downtown going to be truly "liveable" in the future?

According to Extra, plummeting pop starlet BRITNEY SPEARS checked into rehab today… for less than 24 hours before checking back out, according to TMZ.com. (HEY. It only took three weeks of therapy to drive the gay out of Rev. Ted Haggard, and Britney’s problems—getting poop-faced, forgetting panties— aren’t nearly as complicated.)
Extra says that Britney is currently at a rehabilitation facility in an undisclosed location, while TMZ just reported that the rehab is located outside the country, and she stayed less than a day before checking herself out again.
She probably realized the big difference between foreign rehabs and American ones; there they actually and cruelly make you STAY and deal with your problems, while the ones in the USA are more lenient and let you run out to get your Mercedes serviced, go to the grocery store, and drink booze with Paris Hilton. (Hi Lindsay! Hope you’re doing better!)

I love this photo for its classic Tinseltown paparazzi steez. Here, she actually looks like she’s worthy of attention!

Have you been waiting with bated breath, on pins and needles, your mind jumping from thought to thought, toes tapping with anxiety & fingers fidgeting with anticipation, just waiting, waiting, WAITING to read the Mercury’s web exclusive review of Ghost Rider? Well, shit! WHO HASN’T?!

Well, Lance Chess’ assessment of the film is right here, folks. And—holy shit—WHAT? GHOST RIDER FIGHTS A HELICOPTER?! Oh, SHIT YES! See you assholes later. I’m going over to Lloyd Cinemas right this second.

Ker-POW! Ghost Rider’s gonna PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!

Yeah, yeah, it’s short notice, but if you’ve got a lunch break to kill, there’s no better way to spend it today than heading down to the City Club’s Friday Forum to see Steven Wax talk about representing people that Bush has illegally detained in Cuba.

From the City Club’s website:

Wax and his staff have been assigned by the federal court in Washington, D.C. to represent seven men who have been imprisoned in Guantanamo Bay for nearly five years. He will speak about his staff’s investigation in the war zones in Afghanistan and Pakistan as they tracked down sworn evidence of his clients’ innocence and, based on his trips to Guantanamo, about the reality of life in the prisons.

Wax will tell the stories of the lives of several of his clients—a hospital administrator and charity worker, a baker and a man suspected of being a U.S. and Israeli spy, who was tortured by the Taliban before being captured by our government and sent to Guantanamo. The imprisonment of the hospital administrator so offended an Army major who reviewed his case that he called the detention “unconscionable.”

Finally, Wax will describe the U.S. government’s obstruction of the detainees’ efforts to have a fair trial, the U.S. Supreme Court’s two rebukes that the federal courts have no jurisdiction to hear the detainees’ cases and the importance of the writ of habeas corpus as a check on executive power.

But will he answer this question: When do we get to throw George W. Bush in prison?

Friday, February 16
12:15pm
Governor Hotel, 614 SW 11th Ave.
$5 for general seating

Be sure to check out the very last episode of Mercury music editor Adam Gnade’s podcast show, Best Show/Worst Show (today is his final day here). Hear tracks from Van Morrison, Woody Guthrie, Leadbelly, and a song from Sublime Frequencies’ Ethnic Minority Music of Northeast Cambodia. Plus! Find out what Adam is going to do to you if haven’t read The Grapes of Wrath. Click here to listen!

I didn’t think it was possible, but the criminally unfunny Joel Surnow has crapped out something even less funny than that clip we showed you yesterday. It’s definitive proof that Surnow, the pop culture terrorist behind 24, loves torture. Except this time he’s torturing hapless viewers.

Here’s a promo that aired on the Hannity & Colmes show. If there’s one thing to say about these jackasses, it’s that they know their audience.

So what’s the plan this weekend, kids? Chris Cooper and Ryan Phillippe spy it up in Breach, a bunch of people off themselves in The Bridge, and some dorky kids delve into goofy fantasy/Christianity with Bridge to Terabithia.

Meanwhile, Drew Barrymore, who is super hot but has a retard for an agent, continues her downward spiral in Music and Lyrics; Will Oldham follows up the great Old Joy with the so-so The Guatemalan Handshake; and Cinema 21 shows a bunch of Oscar-nominated shorts. (Reviews for those films are here.) Oh, and also, Tyler Perry does his I-don’t-screen-films-for-critics-because-I’m-so-ridiculously-
successful-with-middle-aged-African-American-
women-moviegoers-that-I-don’t-need-mainstream-exposure thing with Daddy’s Little Girls. And: PIFF continues.

I will be going to two films this weekend: Ghost Rider, which I’m 99.99 percent sure is going to be really fucking fun, and Serenity, at the Laurelhurst, the film that I never shut up about because I love it so goddamn much. Here’s the trailer for Serenity. (Christ, I wish there was a one-song limit on music used for previews. It sounds like whoever hacked this one together [trust me, the film’s better than the trailer implies] had their iTunes on shuffle.)

Basketball player Tim Hardaway refuses to play with gays, NBA refuses to play with him, banishing him from the All-Star game.

Lawmakers in North Dakota refuse to sign a bill honoring U2’s Bono for his humanitarian efforts. I refuse because his best friend calls himself “The Edge.”

Judge orders Anna Nicole Smith’s remains to be embalmed; Michael Jackson still awaiting his turn.

Scarlett Johansson wins prestigious (?) Hasty Pudding Award; Tries to look less attractive; Succeeds.

Tonight’s inaugural Traffic Safety Demonstration on the corner of SE 26th and Stark brought out into the rain bike advocates and supporters of the family of Nick Bucher, the cyclist whose fatal collision with a vehicle occurred at the site on February 2.

The group congregated around a tree decorated with flowers and other memorabilia for Bucher. They held signs asking motorists – who for the most part did not stop, though some honked – to slow down and share the road.

Bucher’s mother Patti was among the demonstrators, even after her initial trepidation. “The family was concerned about what this was going to be like,” she said. When asked why she decided to come, she replied, “We want to make people aware – everyone aware of safety – drivers, walkers, people riding bikes. If we can save other parents and friends from losing someone they care about – that’s what we’re here for. We’re trying not to put the blame on the person, but just on the car.”

One supporter, Adam – he withheld his last name – commented on the bike-friendliness of Portland, especially in comparison with other cities he has biked in. “It’s so cool to see people out on bikes here. We need to get more novices on bikes, too. More people on bikes brings more awareness – and ultimately slows traffic and makes it safer.”

Carl Larson, wearing a sign on his head that read “Yer Killin’ Me” echoed Adam’s sentiment. He said, “This is helping us to be able to be here – it’s about solidarity. We’re a pretty vulnerable group, and we want drivers to acknowledge that the streets aren’t just for cars.” ERIN LACOUR

Just a few days ago, Matt Davis asked: Will bicyclists step up or hang back on proposed “bike beats?”

So far, it’s an overwhelming step up. Yesterday, Bikeportland’s Jonathan Maus asked Portland if they’d be willing to join his bike patrol.

Over thirty people have already agreed to help patrol Portland’s neighborhoods - as Maus says, by “getting out in the streets, talking, helping each other out, offering information, playing, biking, whatever.”

While there were a few dissenters - one commented, “I would cringe seeing a group of well-minded riders tooling en masse down the avenue in front of my house, snooping for this and/or that” - most had positive responses.

Overall, people seem to see the patrol as Maus envisions it - as a means of joining neighbors together rather than as a policing force. Another comment to his site captures this sentiment exactly: “Would I join in? Probably. Would it have an ASTOUNDING impact on crime? Probably not. The benefit I see is that hopefully, a group of folks who may or may not have done something together would, and a little community building occurs. Since most folks ride their first bikes as kids an soon forget the habit, I would hope that it would be an avenue to encourage folks to drag that old Huffy out.” ERIN LACOUR

I’m not sure when or why I stopped liking CLAY AIKEN... but as of this appearance on The Jimmy Kimmel show from last night, he is now my absolute FAVE American Idol winner, as well as the recipient of the “Good Sport of the Year” award.
P.S. Not only do I want a recording of his love song to Jimmy, I MUST HAVE THAT T-SHIRT.

Matt Davis just called from today’s meeting of the city’s Racial Profiling Committee with a bit of news: Police Chief Rosie Sizer announced new stats related to 2006 traffic stops. It’s raw data—Sizer stressed that she didn’t know why the stats look like they do, or what they mean—but there were a few interesting points.

For starters, cops made 15 percent fewer stops in 2006—the year the racial profiling listening sessions were going on. In 2004 and 2005, cops made close to 80,000 stops each year (80,073 and 79,419, to be precise). But last year, that number dropped by about 12,000 stops—to 68,107.

Again, it’s raw data, but it begs the question: With racial profiling such a hot topic in 2006, did cops hesitate to pull people over? Are cops de-policing?

I’ve got a call in to the cops to see if there’s a really basic explanation for the drop in stops, like a shrunken traffic enforcement division.

While that drop in stops meant that everyone was pulled over less, white drivers got off even easier: Sixty-six percent of drivers pulled over in 2006 were white, a drop from 68 percent in 2005 and 70 percent in 2004. Matt told me that minorities made up 13 percent of stops in ‘04 and ‘05, but increased to 14 percent in 2006. (I realize now that I’ve hung up with Matt that 14 + 66 does not equal 100 percent. Either the 14 percent figure refers to a specific group, or in the remaining 20 percent of stops, the driver’s race wasn’t recorded. We’ll nail that down when Matt returns to the office.)

Finally, the data showed that Latinos were more likely to be searched after a stop in 2006 than they were in years past. Last year, 10 percent of Latinos stopped were searched, up from 8 percent in ‘05, and 6 percent in ‘04. Jo Ann Bowman, co-chair of the Racial Profiling Committee (with Sizer), noted that the uptick was significant.

Dear Everybody,

If you’ve sent me an email in the past few weeks—past two months, really—and you don’t hear back, it’s not because I hate you, or am a total jerk.

And if we made a date for coffee, or have some other plans together, and I stand you up? Again, not because I hate you. (I’m really a nice person, despite what the haters like to say on this here blog.)

It’s because my computer imploded. Taking my email—including that nifty little folder of ones that weren’t super urgent, but I still wanted to reply to (intern hopefuls and freelance pitchers, this means you)—and my calendar, and any recently added contact info with it. And I haven’t done a complete backup since Thanksgiving. It’s been a really spectacular day.

But you know where to find me.

Love,
Amy

I got an interesting e-mail this morning from Chris Coleman, artistic director at Portland Center Stage. Coleman took issue with my recent review of PCS’s The Thugs, in which I objected to the show’s depiction of homosexuality:

Kelsey Tyler’s depiction of Bart, the office homo, was particularly offensive. I would’ve hoped progressive Portland had moved past the days of treating homosexuality like a running gag, but based on this production I’m forced to conclude otherwise: Bart wears a pink shirt and a fanny pack and when he makes a reference to a past relationship with another man, it’s delivered like a punchline.

Coleman responds:

I was… troubled by your comments about the character of “Bart”. As a homo resident here in Portland I was puzzled by what you found untruthful or offensive about a gay man being flamboyant, funny, bitchy, gossipy or the most stylish person in the room. Certainly “progressive Portland” (your words) is home to many homos who enjoy hiking, skiing, softball, rugby and even fly fishing. But amazingly, the population also boasts a wide variety of people just like Bart (I can point you to the appropriate bars if you’d like introductions). To pretend that homosexuals in the 21st century have suddenly all become more masculine than David Beckham is preposterous. What I love about being gay in this day and age is the opportunity afforded to celebrate all of ourselves – the ball player and the sissy within each of us: no apologies needed.

I think this brings up some really interesting issues. Coleman is right: I’m not here to tell anyone they shouldn’t be flamboyant or bitchy just because to do so is to act in accordance with a stereotype. On the other hand, I think that when theater (or film or tv or whatever else) is dominated by stereotypical representations, it becomes a problem. Read Coleman’s full e-mail, and my response, after the jump.

On Feb 15, 2007, at 11:29 AM, Chris Coleman wrote:
Hey Allison:

Read your review of The Thugs in this week’s Mercury. I was, obviously, disappointed that you didn’t care for the play. I think its pretty hilarious – but everybody is entitled to their own assessment. I am notably proud that we premiered two works this month that were developed right here in Portland at our Just Add/Water Festival. Part of the fun (and risk) or producing new work is that you get to celebrate its freshness, while knowing that only rarely does gestation occur without flaws apparent.

I was more troubled by your comments about the character of “Bart”. As a homo resident here in Portland I was puzzled by what you found untruthful or offensive about a gay man being flamboyant, funny, bitchy, gossipy or the most stylish person in the room. Certainly “progressive Portland” (your words) is home to many homos who enjoy hiking, skiing, softball, rugby and even fly fishing. But amazingly, the population also boasts a wide variety of people just like Bart (I can point you to the appropriate bars if you’d like introductions). To pretend that homosexuals in the 21st century have suddenly all become more masculine than David Beckham is preposterous. What I love about being gay in this day and age is the opportunity afforded to celebrate all of ourselves – the ball player and the sissy within each of us: no apologies needed.

Personally I found Bart’s character hysterical – having worked many years as a temp in my early days of theatre making.

Perhaps what “progressive Portland” needs more of is a sense of humor. Just a thought.

My best,

Chris

From: Alison Hallett [mailto:ahallett@portlandmercury.com]
Sent: Thursday, February 15, 2007 12:53 PM
To: Chris Coleman
Subject: Re: The Thugs Review

Hi Chris.
I put a lot of thought into my comments about Bart—being offended on someone else's behalf isn't something I usually take it upon myself to do, and I certainly have no problem with gay men expressing themselves in whatever manner they choose. What my objection boils down to is that I'm tired of seeing homosexuality used as a comic foil: The mere fact that a character is gay should not in and of itself be funny. I saw Burt's character as pandering to a straight audience's idea of what a gay person is like, and milking cheap laughs from the stereotype. That, to me, has little or nothing to do with accurately representing all the many shades of gayness, and more to do with reinforcing a status quo in which gay men are only embraced if they conform to certain expectations (that they be funny, effeminate, and wear pink shirts).
Thanks again for your feedback, though! I'll work on the whole "sense of humor" thing...

Alison

From: chrisc@pcs.org
Subject: RE: The Thugs Review
Date: February 15, 2007 1:37:15 PM PST
To: ahallett@portlandmercury.com

I guess I see humor as one of the myriad ways that gay men have created armour as a means of survival through the years. So it makes me happy that the gay guy is funny. But I hear your points.

My best,

Chris

Untitled Fun, 1

It was a trampoline buried in earth with a mat of grass sewn over it. Anyone was allowed to experience it how they saw fit.

Zach Moser will lecture at Fifth Avenue Cinemas, 510 SW Hall, Monday Feb 19, 8:15 pm. FREE.

I really can’t do this justice, so let’s just let Variety tell it:

Universal sets up Milli Vanilli film

Universal Pictures has acquired the rights to make a film about Milli Vanilli, the duo that rose to the top of the pop charts and fell just as quickly when they were exposed as frauds.

Jeff Nathanson will write the script and direct the film. Kathleen Kennedy will produce.

Nathanson, who presented a sympathetic look at a check forger in Catch Me if You Can, became intrigued with the notion of taking a similar tack on the music industry tale. He has secured the cooperation of Fabrice Morvan, as well as the estate of Rob Pilatus, who died in 1998 as the pair were attempting a comeback.

God, I loved Milli Vanilli so much when I was eight years old. They were the coolest. Even if this movie’s only half as good as Catch Me if You Can (which was pretty fucking horrible), count me in.

You’d think that if you booked the legendary Grand Wizard Theodore to play your club, you’d let the press know more than 10 hours in advance, but whatevs. GWT—the man widely credited with inventing turntable scratching (Kool Herc was already DJing parties and isolating breaks, but he wasn’t cutting the record back and forth on the needle back then)—will be at XV, 15 SW 2nd, tonight, and it’s totally free. Feel free to do a little pre-show homework here.

In case you haven’t heard, FOX NEWS is starting their own version of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, called “The 1/2 Hour News Hour” designed to provide a “fair and balanced” view of what they consider to be “political satire.” Depending upon your perspective this show will either be a breath of fresh air, or make you want to KICK YOUR TV SET ACROSS THE ROOM.
But, you should be the judge. Check out this presumably hilarious clip from “The 1/2 Hour News Hour” where FOX News celebrates black history month by making fun of Barack Obama. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? IS IT “FUNNY”?

This is going down in five hours:

Thursday, February 15th, 4:30-7pm

Please join us for a traffic safety demonstration. We will be gathering at 26th and Stark Street, where Nick Bucher lost his life to a speeding motorist.

Make a face to face statement to motorists about traffic safety. We’ll have cyclists gather on both sides of the intersection with signs asking drivers to slow down and take care to drive safely through our neighborhoods.

Make a sign—and some to share if you can.

The media is invited.

We’re starting early so that you’ll have time to scoot off to free geek’s movie night, or the nopo greenway meeting afterward.

Hey, you! The attorney with the offensive checked shirt! Yeah, you! Portlanders want you to “get your fucking Blackberry out of their faces”, according to this morning’s Oregonian.BLACKBERRY: VISION this up your ass.

Reporter Joe Rose has obtained a sneak preview of the Mayor’s VISION PDX survey, which finds Portlanders are feeling “a growing gap between the haves and have-nots.”

In the “Economy” section, for example, the report shows that many people think “the tram/South Waterfront/ North Macadam development (not to mention the Pearl, which seems to have become a verb, as in ‘to Pearlize’) was a total waste of money. Resources put into such projects, many Portlanders said, “should have gone to increasing transportation and housing options for a larger range of people.”

Other areas of wasted money include that fucking Blackberry handheld you’re shoving in my face. Get rid of it. More highly useful insights from the soon-to-be-widely derided VISION PDX project soon.

UPDATE, 1:12pm:Numerous people, including the Mercury’s esteemed editor, don’t understand “what the fuck this post is talking about.” To elucidate: THE BLACKBERRY IS A SYMBOL/METAPHOR FOR THE DIVIDE BETWEEN PORTLAND’S HAVES AND HAVE NOTS referred to in the mayor’s upcoming not-very-scientific Vision PDX report. Saying “Get your Blackberry out of my fucking face,” is another way of saying, “stop showing me how you have more money than I do,” without droning on about the Mayor’s Vision PDX project. I don’t want to BORE you. That’s all. Also, that’s why it’s funny. P.s. I’m a dick.

So, I’ve been seeing these little critters popping up at our bus stops. Are we getting new bus drivers?

Would someone like to enlighten me?

I took this pic on Burnside.

Thanks,
Missy

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

Reacting to news last week of the coming out of British-born NBA player John Amaechi (because, you know, all British people are a little bit gay), retired Miami Heat guard Tim Hardaway told radio talk-show listeners yesterday:”You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known. I don’t like gay people and I don’t like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don’t like it. It shouldn’t be in the world or in the United States.”HARDAWAY (left): Homophobe

Amaechi says he isn’t surprised by Hardaway’s comments, and that they’re representative of widespread homophobia in the NBA. In his new book, Man In the Middle, Amaechi writes that his sexuality was an open secret among the American sports media, but that reporters and journalists essentially refused to out him to avoid rocking the boat. How thoughtful. But it’s this comment, in the light of the fact Amaechi hasn’t heard from any other NBA players since last week, that really struck a chord with me. He tells the Miami Herald:

“But it’s hard to get straight guys to step up. When men stood by women during the suffrage movement, they were called progressive and bold. When whites stood by blacks, they were heroes. But a straight guy standing up for a gay guy faces discrimination, and that’s a big part of the battle we’re fighting.”

Growing up with a gay brother in South London, even in the polite, British, bit-gay suburbs, I was picked on a fair few times for standing up for his lifestyle choices. Most straight men will agree that Hardaway’s comments are out of line, but how many will step up in support of Amaechi? Any Blazers, for example? Na. Doubt it.

Thanks to Ezra for the heads up.

A couple of film events that’re going down today didn’t get to us in time for publication:

Valentine’s Day Hangover Film Festival
Clinton St. Theater, 2522 SE Clinton
7 pm, $6

“Two hours of sad, sad, sad films,” screened because even though “your Valentine’s Day was a crapfest, it could be worse.” Films include the 30-minute-long Cipher in the Snow, about a young boy who dies of loneliness (we watched this in my seventh grade health class!), and 1977’s made-for-TV The Death of Richie.

The Cantankerous Titles & Obscure Ephemera, Vol. I DVD
Free Geek, 1712 SE 10th
7:30 pm, FREE

“A short film collection in which local movie-maker, ‘zinester, and Microcosm founder Joe Biel offers up four of his unique ‘talkumentaries’ on American life.” Included: “Martinis in the Bike Lane,” which “looks at Portland’s city-commissioned ‘bike guy’ silhouettes seen in bike lanes across town, and shows city workers adding their own touches without official mandate,” and “Of Dice and Men,” a look at ‘the culture surrounding the Risk board game and how it relates to imperialism.”

Peter Pan peanut butter recalled after salmonella outbreak! (We’ve seen the movie… Tinkerbell is one jealous, vindictive bitch.)

11 more Republicans wake up, smell the coffee, and realize that President Bush’s plan to send more troops to Iraq is full of Peter Pan peanut butter.

Rush Limbaugh advises Barack Obama to renounce his race and “become white” in order to better his chances of being elected. Barack responds by advising Limbaugh to get a lobotomy to better his chances of being less stupid.

Former pop star Ricky Martin gives George Bush the finger during a performance in Puerto Rico. Former American Idol contestant William Hung vows to never sing “She Bangs” again.

MTV’s flagship show TRL (Total Request Live) has been CANCELLED, leaving a thousand teenage girls without a place to scream their heads off for Nickleback.

Why choosy mothers choose Jiff.

No, I’m not going to comment on the Fred Phelps of the NBA. Fuck that dude.

Instead, I’ll focus on the positive, the 2006-2007 Portland Trail Blazers. It’s the midway point of the year, and our dearest Red & Black have more wins at this point than they did all of last year. While there are problems, last night’s game for example, this team is young and, at times, thrilling to watch, making the future of the Blazers something to really look forward to. While rookie Brandon Roy heads to Vegas to hit up All-Star weekend, the team if off until next Tuesday, when they play the Utah Jazz at home.

There’s a great movie playing at Cinema 21 tonight—one night only!—that you should definitely check out if you like the following things: (A) Movies. (B) Music. (C) Portland.

NORTHWEST PASSAGE: THE BIRTH OF PORTLAND’S DIY CULTURE

Lovingly assembled by Portland renaissance man extraordinaire Mike Lastra, Northwest Passage will fill most of the remaining potholes in your lexicon of Portland’s music scene of yore. By focusing on the burgeoning DIY scene between the ‘78 and ‘83, Northwest Passage succeeds where other punkumentaries have failed. With awesome footage of tons of bands (Poison Idea, Sadonation, The Wipers, The Neo Boys, Lastra’s own Smegma, and Fred Cole’s The Rats) in the throes of creativity fever, Northwest Passage is as entertaining as it is educational. LANCE CHESS Cinema 21.

Tonight at 7 and 9, Cinema 21 (616 NW 21st), $8.

So close, you guys. SO FUCKING CLOSE. We’re only ONE DAY away from Ghost Rider, which the Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Sciences has already declared to be the Best Motion Picture of All Time! But this is the hard part, man. This is when Ghost Rider seems to be so close to you that you can almost feel your skin heating up from being so close to his burning skull. TOMORROW! And yet… and yet he’s still so, so far away. TOMORROW! It’s like that song “The Waiting (Is the Hardest Part),” which Tom Petty wrote about Ghost Rider back in 1981. 1981! So just think about that for a minute, Mr./Ms. Impatientpants: Tom Petty’s been waiting for this movie since 1981. So it could be worse.

Since we’re so close, though, today there are FOUR Kickass Ghost Rider Facts of the Day™ instead of just one! Two are stolen from Wikipedia!

• KGRFOTD™ I: “Ghostrider” is the call sign for Tom Cruise’s aircraft in Top Gun (1986).

• KGRFOTD™ II: “Ghost Rider” (1982) is a 15-minute school bus safety film produced by Penn State Public Broadcasting.

• KGRFOTD™ III: Mistah F.A.B.’s song “Ghost Ride the Whip” was written about Ghost Rider. To a lesser extent, so was Chamillionaire’s “Ridin’ Dirty.”

• KGRFOTD™ IV: Ghost Rider killed Stephen Colbert after Colbert made the poor decision to give Ghost Rider some sass.

I’m not sleeping until I see Ghost Rider! Are you guys with me? SHIT YES! WE CAN MAKE IT! ONE DAY!

Finally, I’ve been able to pull this video—of Matt’s Valentine serenade by the ladies of acapella quartet Special Assignment (503-6-CHORUS!), thanks to the folks at Metroblogging Portland—off of my phone. Enjoy!

The City Attorney’s office has filed suit against the “Mad House” in NE that we wrote a story on in November. The Howard family, who live in the house, claimed neighborhood complaints against them were the result of racial discrimination, and have continued to speak out against their possible eviction. But here’s some of city’s suit:

September 30: “two females exposed their genitalia and urinated, in front of two males, on the driveway…”

October 5:”approximately 15 arbor vitae trees, on a neighbor’s property, were cut down and left as stumps”

October 15:”at around three in the morning a group of approximately 25 people spilled from [the property] where loud profane name calling, unreasonable noise, and violent tumultuous behavior such as fighting took place. A back window of a parked car was smashed, the tires were slashed, and the side was kicked in and dented.”

October 22: “two young persons exposed their genitals and were engaged in sexual intercourse in, or in view of, a public place;”

November 1: “A spoon with heroin residue, a glass crack pipe, and a metal cup with heroin residue were found” at the house.

On top of the alleged tree-chopping, public pissing and shagging, tire slashing and heroin residue-er,..-ing, the suit also makes two assault allegations, one alleging a neighbor’s neck was grabbed from behind after asking for some music to be turned down, and another alleging that another woman was “struck repeatedly in the face.”

A call to the Howards’ attorney for comment is yet to be returned.

Who knew the rich denizens of Lake Oswego were so into scat? For the second time in a year, the Willamette Week has reached out to its poop lovin’ Lake Oswego demographic by picturing people eating feces on their cover. Last year…

And, to a smaller extent on the cover of today’s issue (but horrifically blown up on page 35)…

Look. We’re tired of Lake Oswegoans bringing their filthy sexual habits into our town. Willamette Week, you must stop catering to these peoples’ perverted whims. Join the Mercury and help KEEP PORTLAND SCAT-FREE. (That’s a great bumper sticker!)

At the risk of repeating myself, crime is no laughing matter. But after some half-decent entries in yesterday’s contest, here’s the second “nickname that criminal” contest, and this time, it’s a dynamic duo!29-year-old Paul Gross (left) and 28-year-old Robert Cox (right) were arrested just before midnight in outer NE last night, after neighbors saw them carrying more than 200 marijuana plants from a U-Haul into their house. From the cops:

Officers arrived and quickly identified the correct house by following the trail of broken and discarded marijuana leaves from the street up to the front door.

So, budding nicknamers (GET IT? “budding”?! HA! HA HA HA HA!), you have these things to work with:

1.The U-Haul angle.
2.Their names are “Gross” and “Cox”.
3.They both look pretty stoned.
4.No, really, look at them.
5.How hard can it be?
6.Almost forgot. The pot!I don’t know about you, but I’m getting creative just looking at that picture. PS. All “criminals” are not guilty until so-proven in a court of law. I know: Ridiculous. But so true. So so true. Don’t sue me.

Film Editor Erik Henriksen found this in the lobby of his Naito Parkway apartment building.

Wait a minute—sometimes I spend four or more hours on the web when I’m not working! And I take long walks with no destination! My current social standing is my own fault. I better call Chris…

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

seen in NW

maybe same person as Value Horse? writing looks similar

anyway, interesting graffiti

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

Mark your calendars, electronipponophiles. Tomorrow night, Miho Hatori, formerly of Cibo Matto, is in town, doing a gig at the Mission Theater (9 pm) and an instore at Music Millennium at 7. Cibo Matto’s Viva La Woman was one of my favorite college records, but Hitori’s debut disc, Ecdysis, is pretty boring. Pleasant and easy to listen to, but nothing I can get too excited for. Translation=A free mini-set at 7 pm sounds like the perfect after-work activity.

Here’s Cibo Matto doing “Birthday Cake” in 97. Bask in the awesomeness.

I got a care package from my mom today—chocolate, some childhood photos (she’s on a scanning kick lately—thanks mom!), and a cancer research benefit cookbook.

Let me explain the cookbook—my dad’s side of the family is from a little town called Wanda, Minnesota. It’s a cute farming town a few hours west of Minneapolis (most of the farms have closed down, sadly), and we used to visit my great grandmother there each summer. Last fall, I got a note from my mom, alerting me that the “Wanda State Bank”—it must be in one of the four buildings on Main Street—was sponsoring a cookbook to raise money for cancer research, instead of doing a walkathon or race for a cure. My dad’s distant cousin was spearheading the project, and emails bounced far and wide, soliciting recipes. There are a few members of my family battling cancer right now—and I collect recipes—so I shelled out the $15 to buy one.

It arrived today, with 329 pages of Midwestern recipes that rely heavily on “one can cream of celery soup,” boil-in-bag rice, ground beef, “a packet of Lipton soup mix,” etc. Very cute, kinda gross, but for a good cause (it seems the American Cancer Society is the organization that got my $—their logo is stamped on the front of the book).

I flipped to the index to see what recipes my mom had submitted—she did one for each of my siblings, and named ‘em for us (“Amy’s Favorite Cookies” are an oatmeal butterscotch concoction that I used to eat by the dozen as a kid). But as I was searching for the recipe named for my brother, I saw this instead:

Umm. What the hell? I flipped to page 158 to see what’s in a “Wetbacks Delight.” (Some lady named Lori submitted it—I do not know Lori, and as far as I can tell, she’s no relative of mine. EDITED TO ADD: I just read the intro to the cookbook, and it seems Lori’s the one who started the cookbook project, in honor of her husband, who’s fighting melanoma.)

Cumin. Chili Powder. “Hamburger.” It looks like a meat and rice mixture, served over Fritos, topped with lettuce, shredded cheese, and sour cream. Sounds like a midwestern riff on Frito Pie… so, um, yeah.

As you’ll note, though, my mom—bless her heart—used correction tape and a pen to rename it “Spanish Delight.”

Like your gossip “SHOCKING”? Then get a load of these juicy tidbits!

• According to TMZ.com, ANNA NICOLE’S former nanny accuses the dead starlet of instructing her to “underfeed” Anna’s baby Dannielynn because Anna Nicole “wanted her baby to be sexy.” The nanny also purports that Anna tried to kill herself more than once, and engaged in sex romps with Bahamian Minister of Immigration, Shane Gibson, claiming the minister would, “spend hours alone with [Anna Nicole] in her bedroom” on a “daily basis.” Hey, I’ve seen those immigration forms, and they take a long time to fill out! In the bedroom. Especially when you’ve got a penis inside your vagina.

• Paul McCartney’s ex-wife HEATHER MILLS is apparently not satisfied with the $49 million she’ll be receiving from the divorce settlement—because what she really wants to do is DANCE! While the official announcement won’t be made until next week, Access Hollywood is reporting that Heather will be a contestant on this season’s DANCING WITH THE STARS. Why is this shocking? Have you forgotten that she only has ONE LEG? (But don’t worry… her partner has three.)

• And perhaps the most SHOCKING gossip of all, PAULA ABDUL is NOT drunk… … … … … at this moment. The AP reports that Abdul’s spacey behavior has nothing to do with alcohol or drugs — at least that’s what Paula says. “I’ve never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs,” she says. “Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that.”
Mmmm… nobody? Including yourself? C’MON PAULA! WE’VE ALL SEEN THE VIDEOS. YOU WERE SHITFACED ON SOMETHING, NOW CONFESS! Blame it on a brain tumor, for Christ’s sake!

“She’s a cold-hearted snake/ look into her eyes/ OH-OH!/ She’s been tellin’ lies.”

It’s not often I’m lost for words. But I’m lost for words. It’s not often I’m embarrassed, either. But I was, sincerely, when this morning’s editorial meeting was interrupted by a 4-person singing Valentines telegram, a red rose and some candy, not to mention fifteen Valentine’s cards courtesy of Metroblogging Portland. The singing telegrams, who were awesome, even did a version of “When I’m Sixty Four,” that was, well, stellar, in front of the Mercury’s entire editorial team. We’ll have some video up later, courtesy of Amy’s cellphone. In the mean time, here are some of the cards:There’s one from City Commissioner Randy Leonard, apologizing for pelting me square on the head with a snowball a few weeks back, and even Zoe, daughter of Metblogs’ Betsy, was kind enough to send some candy. “Sorry about the flavor but it’s all I had,” she writes. That’s alright! There’s a (fake) one from police chief, Rosie Sizer, among the cards, and two or three from “Sammy the Sheep,” which are, of course, in very bad taste.

I gather the effort was inspired by Metblogs’ Banana Lee Fishbones, and orchestrated at last night’s Metblogs meet-up. So thanks a lot, Banana. And thanks, a lot, Metblogs. You’re too kind. Steve is trying to convince the telegrams to enter next year’s Pizazz competition—they blatantly should, they were BRILLIANT. 15 Valentines! Wow! What a great feeling! I’ll be starting to fall in love with myself, at this rate.

Celebrities flock to runway shows of Heatherette like fruit flies to whiskey. So it’s so surprise that one Britney Spears was interested in acquiring a PUMA bag that was a collaboration between Heatherette designers and Lydia Hearst. And… DENIED!

Hearst told us: “I’m only giving the bag to accomplished young women who are doing something positive to affect the world around them. They are women I look up to and respect, like Gwyneth Paltrow and Sarah Jessica Parker and Anne Hathaway.

A pouty Spears (whose publicist denies the incident even happened), didn’t even show up to the runway show. Such a shame.

L-O-S-E-R:

W-I-N-N-E-R:

There’s something to be said for being a band with a very specific vision. But this is among the, well, oddest choices for a band to take—from the Mercury’s Classifieds page:

Instrument: Guitar, Voice and D.J./electronic Neighborhood: Southeast Anti Commish Leonard Band Forming posted 02/02/2007

As a gay female I am tired of my friends and I applying for City jobs only to learn from fellow Lesbians in the City that the job we applied for was given to friends and close aquaintences of this elected joker. We have drums, bass, and rhthym Guitar, need lead and vocals. Wymnn preferred. Four songs already, “Contract for my friends”, “hey lil babysitter, gotta a sweet job 4 u”, and “Big Dick’s really a big pussy” Email bigmommasmyrc@yahoo.com No Homophobic people wanted !!!!

(Maybe they’re on to something, though. I’m starting an anti-Auditor Gary Blackmer math rock band, an anti-Multnomah County Commissioner Lonnie Roberts country band, and an anti-Bureau of Labor and Industries Director Dan Gardner hiphop duo.)

Of course, little did bogmommasmyrc know that Leonard is an accomplished vocalist, and he’s thinking about trying out for the band. Here’s the email he sent her:

Hey…I am not bad at blues vocals…would you consider me for the band? I do a real mean “Mustang Sally” followed by a gut wrenching version of “Hey Bartender”. Monday and Thursday nights work best for me…I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Randy

ps I did appoint the first out Gay Woman as director of the Bureau of Emergency Communications…and she wasn’t even a friend of mine!

Yesterday, designer and Project Catwalk star Julien Macdonald outraged anti-fur protesters by not only showing a collection that used oodles of fur, but publicly made the statement that “people who don’t like fur can piss off.” According to our resident British person, Matt Davis, making such statements is quite a risky thing in England, where fur protesters are so militant (and wrongheaded) that there is actually a reasonable chance that they might kill you. In which case, Macdonald’s collection must truly be to die for. Do you think so?:

When the Village Voice pooped out their Pazz and Jop Critic’s Poll last week, David O’Keefe produced this illustration to represent Bobby D beating out TV on the Radio for album of the year. Now TVotR saxophonist Martin Perna is crying racism:

Nowhere in the consciousness of Voice editors or illustrator David O’Keefe can we find memories of James Byrd, a black man who was dragged behind a truck to his death by white racists in Jasper, Texas, in 1998, or Arthur “J.R.” Warren, who was run over four times and killed for being black and gay in West Virginia in 2000, and all the other lynchings that happened in the U.S. before and since…

That this picture could be drawn and not questioned or vetoed by any of the people who saw it prior to publication shows the level of ignorance and racism that persists in leftist institutions like the Voice that continue to posture as hip and progressive. It reveals that among decision-makers at the paper there is not one single person with any sort of racial consciousness or sensitivity who had the power or courage to send that picture back to the drawing board.

I don’t know… I’m usually pretty sensitive to things like this, but Perna seems like he’s stretching here. (Semi-related note: For an incredible read about James Byrd, pick up a copy of this book.) Also, be sure to read the VV reader’s comment about how the drawing’s not racist—but it sure is anti-disability! Thoughts?

LOVE! George Bush loves the White House so much, he never wants to leave it! From the Huffington Post: During today’s White House press conference, President Bush was asked by ABC’s Martha Raddatz if he thought Iraq was embroiled in a civil war. The President replied: “It’s hard for me living in this beautiful White House to give you an assessment, a first hand assessment. I haven’t been there. You have, I haven’t. But I do talk to people who are and people whose judgment I trust and they would not qualify it as that. There are others who think it is.”

LOVE! The al-Qaida #2 guy calls George Bush a “lying gambler” and a “alcoholic.” Mmmmm… What’s your point?

LOVE! An English Springer Spaniel wins the Westminster Dog Show, beating Bill Cosby’s dog. That… BITCH!

LOVE! A celebrity Rabbi loves Britney Spears so much, he wants her to put her clothes back on.

LOVE! Beyonce is featured on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue! BOOTYLICIOUS.

This just in from Dave Lister, who you might remember ran for city council last year against Erik Sten. It’s interesting, given that the early support for the mayor’s charter reform proposal is coming solely from the business community, and the only likely supporters to jump on it will be business conservatives—and many of the people who voted for Lister.

“As someone who has advocated for a city manager component in our form of government, it is disappointing to me to have to come out in opposition to the form of government change proposed by Mayor Potter’s charter review commission.”

“The commission, I believe, has missed an historic opportunity to actually propose meaningful reform, but has instead simply ‘cut and pasted’ the powers of the council as a whole into the mayor’s office, leaving very little in the way of oversight or accountability. If they had really gone through the charter ‘line by line’, as was originally promised, they would have removed the archaic, unconstitutional language which would give the mayor the ‘ability to control paupers’ and the ability ‘to prevent public displays of deformed persons’, among other things.”

“I also do not think it makes sense for the remaining council seats to continue to be full time positions for legislative purposes only. As I understand it, this is more or less the Multnomah County commission form, which hasn’t been particularly stellar. By any measurement, Portland is consistently doing better than Multnomah County. No form of government is perfect, but Portland is successful and her citizens are well served by our government.”

It sounds like what Amy Jenniges has been saying for weeks.

More after the jump!

Addendum: Let's put this in context.

Here is a partial list of names of high-profile opponents to the current strong mayor proposal:
Bud Clark, former mayor
Chris Smith, transportation activist
Jo Ann Bowman, former State Representative and current associate director of Oregon Action
Jillian Detweiler, member of the Charter Review Commission and former staffer for Commissioner Charlie Hales
Amanda Fritz
Gretchen Kafoury, former City Commissioner
Jewel Lansing, former City Audtor
Margaret Strachan, former City Commissioner
Commissioner Erik Sten
Commissioner Randy Leonard
The League of Women Voters
The Portland Firefighters Association
and now Dave Lister

In the pro-strong mayor camp:
Mayor Tom Potter
Portland Business Alliance
The Oregonian editorial board
Vera Katz, former mayor
Sho Dozono of Azumano Travel (and PBA board member)
Bob Ball, real estate developer

Sure, I know February is Portland’s crabbiest month (check out the comments on some of these blog posts if you don’t believe me), but it’s VALENTINE’S DAY, and I’ve decided to post stuff that’s GUARANTEED to turn that frown upside down. It’s my Valentine’s Day gift to YOU! Check out the latest video from my new fave Japanese rapping boy band, RIP SLYME, in which they sing and rhyme to an unstoppably catchy beat while paying homage to two things that all Portlander’s love: riding bicycles and bubblegum. THIS IS GOING ON HEAVY REPEAT ON MY IPOD, BTW!

It occurs to me that I should be able to file this post not under “Film” but under “Unbelievable Radness!” I’m going to see if we can get that fixed soon. Anyway, to the point: We’re a mere TWO DAYS away from Ghost Rider, people! I know! I know! He’s gonna tear on into theaters on Friday and all of us are going to be like “Whoa, Ghost Rider! We certainly anticipated you were going to be awesome, but O! We did not expect that level of awesomeness. The only words we have to describe you, sir, are ‘unbelievably rad.’” And Ghost Rider will reply by killing the weakest amongst us. (That person, of course, will be the Mercury’s bearded newsman, Mr. Scott Moore.)

To whet your appetite for Ghost Rider, here’s your Kickass Ghost Rider Fact of the Day™, once again stolen from Wikipedia, because I am not Ghost Rider, and therefore do not have supernatural powers that enable me to recite facts of my own. I wish I was Ghost Rider, though. A lot.

I don’t know who writes for Wikipedia, but goddamn, they know their shit! TWO DAYS!

Well, well, well. NOW will people get off of Anna Wintour’s back about promoting unrealistic body image expectations? She went and put America’s current fave songstress, Jennifer Hudson on the cover, who has about seven times the body mass of any recent person to appear on the magazine’s cover. Although the snickerers over at Gawker are happy to suggest that about 50% of her was PhotoShopped out. And while I’m no fan of the craptactical-ass Dreamgirls poop fest, I did think that Hudson looked smashing at the Golden Globes.

UPDATE: February 14, 12pm: Yesterday I threw up this blog post, and I’ve been thinking about it, and talking about it with people, and I feel like it was wrong to post it the way I did. While yesterday afternoon I was convinced it was funny, mainly from a “look what this crackpot is doing,” point of view, I’ve been thinking about who might read it, and how they might feel, and I just don’t think I should have given it the kind of attention I did. I’m not going to pull it down, because that’s cowardly and gutless. But I’m sincerely sorry to anyone who took offense.

ORIGINAL POST:The Mercury, along with about 35 other Portland media friends, was just lucky enough to get an email from the guy whose column is about to replace Blecky Yuckarella. Entitled “post this message in your goddamn paper,” the email links to this Myspace page, apparently created by a 6’2” “caucasian male”. Or not:Anyway, catch this guy’s ranting in the back of every single Mercury, forever, from now on.

i don’t give a fuck about you and your wasting my time, your not worth the effort of coexisting with because i don’t even veiw you as my equal or human, and the only reason im still being defiled my your filth, is because I don’t have or am I permitted to obtain the means to distance myself from your filth, and fuck the jesus some of you dogs claim to serve because the jesus you worship is a demon mimicking the good blessings of the lord by feeding you false blessings it obtains from the fruits of me being tormented from rejecting your filth and no unclean person will ever enter the kingdom of God, The jesus I know is the real thing and he definitely wasn’t a honkie (as the many images of jesus and mel gibson would depict, scientific and scriptual data will suggest he was of middle eastern or african descant, the same people you honkies are waging your so called “war against terror” towards), this will most likely be the image the antichrist will bear when he comes in to deceive as many as possible

Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes.

“Honey, you can’t run for president in that,” was the message recently delivered by Donatella Versace to former first lady and presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton. Versace specifically criticised Hill’s tendency to favor pants, saying, “I can understand (trousers) are comfortable but she’s a woman and she is allowed to show that.” She also encouraged her to wear more black.

Recent notice has been taken of other female politicians’ fashion sense, most notably Condoleeza Rice and Nancy Pelosi. It must be tough to have to wear such… diplomatic clothing, a challenge I certainly don’t envy. I also like the idea of these women demonstrating an interest in fashion despite the archaic stereotypes such an interest evokes. And while I’m no fan of Condy, you have to admit that the fuck me (fuck you?) boots really suited her.

Well, if you’re going to ask so nicely, how can I refuse? Naturally, you saw the nine-minute video for “What Goes Around…Comes Around” featuring super sexified Scarlett Johansson, Justin and a lotta violence and filthy language? YOU HAVEN’T?? CHECK IT OUT HERE!
(Then read The Onion’s Hater column for a psychological interpretation of the video.)
And you probably saw Justin’s Grammy performance of “What Goes Around…” wherein he walked around the stage, pointing a video camera two inches away from his nose, making everyone in the world feel pretty freaking uncomfortable. (We will not be revisiting that moment.)
HOWEVER! You haven’t heard the awesome new remix of “What Goes Around…” featuring Justin, Timbaland, Rick Ross and Pitbull which only makes an awesome song even awesomer.
CHECK IT OUT HERE, and put that Grammy performance out of your mind forever.

It would be perfectly ok with me if I never had to see, read, or think about Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues ever again—my vagina doesn’t need empowering, thanks, and I’m pretty sure I don’t even have a “coochie snorter”—but this article in the New York Times, about how a Florida theater handled a complaint about the V-word on their marquee, is about the funniest thing I’ve read all day:

Last week, after a complaint from a passing driver who became upset because her niece had seen “vagina” on the theater marquee, Bryce Pfanenstiel of the Atlantic said, “We decided we would just use child slang for it,” News4Jax.com reported. Down came “The Vagina Monologues.” Up went “The Hoohaa Monologues.”

Read the whole thing after the jump, or head to Ticketmaster for tix to PSU’s annual production of Ensler’s irritating pro-vag monologues, which runs at the Smith Center this weekend.

Under ordinary circumstances, the opening of "The Hoohaa Monologues" on Thursday at the Atlantic Theaters in Atlantic Beach, Fla., near Jacksonville, would not attract much attention. But "The Hoohaa Monologues" by any other name is Eve Ensler's Obie Award-winning, internationally performed play, "The Vagina Monologues."

Readers’ Opinions
Forum: Theater
Last week, after a complaint from a passing driver who became upset because her niece had seen "vagina" on the theater marquee, Bryce Pfanenstiel of the Atlantic said, "We decided we would just use child slang for it," News4Jax.com reported. Down came "The Vagina Monologues." Up went "The Hoohaa Monologues."

But two days later, on Thursday, in response to a demand from the organizers of the production, the original title was restored. The organizers are a group of Florida Coastal School of Law students who insisted that the original title be displayed because they had rights to the play only if they refused any censorship.

"Vagina is the essence of a woman," said an organizer, Elissa Saavedra, "and if you're going to suppress the name, then you're suppressing us as women." All proceeds are to go to charity.

Next Article in Theater (4 of 26) »

UPDATE NUMBER 2: THANK YOU, PORTLAND, for moderately restoring my faith in your pitiful creative intelligence. Moderately. So far, in the last hour, we have “the Rosetown Rustler,” and “I hope the cops bring home the bacon on this one,” later moderated to: “I hope the PIGS bring home the Bacon on this one.” But that’s three. This is like pulling teeth. More nicknames for this Nordstrom thief, please. Before I throw myself off the Burnside Bridge. Crying.

UPDATE: It has been exactly 40 minutes since posting this, and so far, NOBODY has managed to top “The Nordstrom Coatponser” as a nickname for this thief. I’m starting to “re-assess” you all as l-o-s-e-r-s.

This evocative photo is of 25-year-old Jamie Lynn Bacon, who has made over $10,000 off Nordstrom since October by purchasing goods on a fake credit card, then returning them for a cash refund. Call me, if you know her, and I’ll claim the Crimestoppers reward:Lord knows, CRIME IS NO LAUGHING MATTER. But I’ve noticed a lack of willing on the part of Portland’s media to give nicknames to felons on the run. And it’s boooooring. Forget Vision PDX. What this city needs is more criminals with nicknames. Think Al “scarface” Capone, think “Billy the Kid,” “Son of Sam,” “The Beast of Bastille,” “The Hillside Strangler,” etcetera. Except replace psychosis and serial killing with modest store fraud and remember, her name is “Bacon.”

I mean, how hard can it be?