Christ, the number of times I’ve been to parties where this has happened? Ridiculous. Seriously, it’s just getting annoying.

From Jack:

These lovely chicks walk around my hood, strutting their stuff like they’re all that. Well, I finally mustered my paparazzi-like skills to catch them walking down infamous SE Taggart Avenue, Portland’s own Melrose Avenue.

Well, OK, maybe not.

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

Hey lefty—it’s time to get your swerve on!

Well, not now, exactly. In an hour and a half. Progressive Happy Hour kicks off at 5:30pm at hotshit new bar Ron Toms, SE 6th and Burnside.

If you like talking politics with liberal movers and shakers, and if you like getting blitzed while doing said talking, there ain’t no better place to be.

Of course, you don’t want to get there and look like a total schlub with nothing to say, so here are some conversation topics you can do some research on in the next hour:

1. If Kevin Mannix wants to ban strip clubs, isn’t it our progressive duty to see publicly naked bodies at every opportunity?
2. Smoking: Bad for your health, or the quickest way to fund health insurance for children? Who’s more important, you or impoverished children? That’s what I thought.
3. Isn’t the term “rainy day fund” kind of an insult to Oregonians? If we’re talking about socking money away for downtimes, shouldn’t we call it a “sunny day fund”?
4. Who are you trying to kid with that bow tie?
5. So, where’d you go to school? Oh reeeeeallly?
6. Are you drinking PBR to appear working class, or because you’re ironic, or because you’re as poor as me?

Jeez, things are going bananas in Trail Blazers country. In the past 24hrs the team has:

- Lost a president and general manager.
- Won a game vs The Charlotte Bobcats.
- Lost a starting player for the rest of the season.
- Won the NBA CHAMPIONSHIP… that is, they would have, if they’d only hire me..

Street Roots director Israel Bayer is reporting that local squatters’ rights activists are planning to stage a protest against the mayor’s upcoming Sit/Lie ordinance in Waterfront Park, on March 14th. Here’s the flier, which contains the cell phone shot of a cop arresting a downtown street kid, that we ran in this week’s Mercury:PROTEST: Against the Sit/Lie ordinance

The mayor’s Street Access For Everyone (SAFE) committee has agreed to a new sit/lie ordinance, which would make it illegal to sit or lie on the sidewalk downtown, in exchange for offering benches and more shelter beds. But it appears whoever is organizing the protest is not happy with the SAFE group’s ordinance—yet to be finalized by a vote in council later this month. Here’s some of the press release sent out with the flier:

The sit-lie ordinance is being voted upon this month of March. With this bill being past no one can sit or lie down in the downtown area.

Most homeless youth can go to shelters but when shelters are full kids are forced to sleep outside. And most elder homeless folks are to old to go into shelters were youth are if their shelters are full. Forced to sleep under bridges were they are brutalized in their sleep or arrested and brutalized by police and or PBA funded clean and safe. This brutal actions have lead to deaths of many homeless and mentally disabled kids and adults many like the well known James Chasse who was kicked in the ribs for urinating in public when there is no bathrooms for public use.

“States Rights Records has relaunched with a new website and a brand-new YACHT release called Our Friends In Hell. It’s a compilation of remixes that I’ve made for Mirah, Architecture in Helsinki, The Blow, White Rainbow, Copy, and more.”

Ugh, two posts about remixes in the past two days?
Eh, whatever, this remix has been bumpin’ in my cube all day long: Hock It (We Two Remix)

Breaking news… Ricky Schroder can’t dance his way out of a cardboard box.
Silver Spoons subsequently canceled.

I have some Battlestar Galactica catchin’ up to do, so my plans for weekend moviegoing are pretty lax: I will be watching the Michael Mann’s director’s cut of Miami Vice tomorrow afternoon, and I might try to catch Black Snake Moan again. I do really want to see Zodiac, but I don’t know anyone else who hasn’t soured on David Fincher at this point. I will not be watching Wild Hogs:

Perhaps more than anything else this week, I wholeheartedly recommend the Nader documentary that’s at Cinema 21. The thorny issues surrounding Nader aside, it’s the best doc about American politics—and how truly fucked up they are—that I can remember seeing. If you care at all about, you know, important issues like who’s running (or not running) America, go see it. I think a lot of people are going to discount it just because it’s about Nader (I almost didn’t watch it for the same reason), which’d be too bad, because beneath a pretty fascinating portrait of a batshit crazy wannabe politician, it’s a really solid film on how fantastically busted our political system is.

Other stuff: Seraphim Falls, Matthew Barney @ Hollywood, Kurosawa @ the Clinton. So. What’re you guys seeing?

While reading Our Band Could Be Your Life: Scenes From the American Indie Underground 1981-1991 by Michael Azerrad, Lance Chess discovered a few bands he missed the first time around. One of these bands is Boston’s Mission of Burma. Check them out on this week’s episode of 3-Minute Limit. Click here to listen.

There’s all kinds of fun to be had at over at Food Dude’s site today.

From the gossip round-up:

Which restaurant reviewer has taken to emailing restaurateurs to ask whether they’re still friends, seemingly desperate to get all the news first? We’ll give you a hint: the same one as gets absolutely apoplectic at the mere mention of anything having to do with PFD. Restaurateurs are starting to push back, and some of the emails are making their way to Food Dude. Hmm… future project file.

Tee hee. Food critic throwdown. It’s not me!

An epic pizza-battle has also begun in the comments section of the Dude’s review of Ken’s Artisan Pizza (starts on comment #26). Topics discussed include:

-Who has better pizza, Ken’s or Apizza Scholls (I have no comment on this one. Apples and oranges)

-What characterizes “good pizza,” and the nature/nurture influences that determine an individual’s taste preferences

-The myth of the “hipper than thou” restaurant—an interesting, and common, complaint about certain establishments. Personally I can’t think of any place I’d feel uncomfortable taking, say, my hopelessly un-hip parents (hi guys!), but I guess some people have a more sensitive social radar than I. Or maybe it’s that “hipster restaurants” frequently have less attentive/obsequious service? Which brings us to…

-The allegedly poor level of service that characterizes Portland restaurants.

It’s an interesting discussion, and a few local restauranteurs chime in—Kim from Apizza, for example, speaks up to defend their style of pizza (the crust chars a little bit in the oven, which some people don’t like).

In other food-related news, word is that the delicious Cuban eatery Pambiche has finally started serving breakfast on weekends (the “Breakfast coming soon!” sign has been up for months). I’m headed there tomorrow and will report back!

Imagine if Tom Potter could institute a $15/day tax on cars driving within the city limits, and use the money to fund civic projects. Unlikely, right? But it happened in London. Perhaps a strong mayor mightn’t be such a bad thing, after all—with the right candidate.LIVINGSTONE: London’s strong mayor…

Ken Livingstone became London’s mayor in 2004. He’s a renegade, nicknamed Red Ken for his staunch, hard left position on taxation and civic responsibility. He’s too radical even for Tony Blair’s center-left government, and ran as an independent candidate before getting elected. Not only has he instituted a controversial congestion charge on vehicles in the city limits, he’s managed to draw the Olympics to London in 2012. Mainly because he’s been powerful enough to implement his vision for the city, without getting bogged down in listening to opposing views.

Bipartisanship? Whatever. Community involvement? Naa-aaa.

Livingstone is of course hugely controversial for his strong-arm approach, and very unpopular with establishment types and big business, but has been very successful in the eyes of most of my contemporaries. Finally, someone who can bring about real change, instead of just talking about it!

With all the talk about Potter becoming a strong mayor, perhaps Portland has lost sight of the idea that perhaps, we might not be talking about Potter in a few years. What if Erik Sten were the strong mayor? Or Sam Adams? They’d have freer reign to implement their policies, just like Livingstone has. And to my mind, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Jack Bog, of course, wouldn’t like it. But you’d sure be voting for a real vision, come election time.

DISCLAIMER: I’m no expert on Charter reform—Scott Moore is. But I do understand London, and I do know Ken Livingstone. That’s where I’m coming from. I think it might be helpful to take a step back from Tom Potter and think about where Portland wants to be in 20 years time. Oh, hang on, am I “visioning?”

According to Reuters, DANIEL RADCLIFFE, best known for his work as the boy wizard HARRY POTTER, has signed on to star in the lead role for the final two films of the saga.
Many wondered if Radcliffe’s NUDE PUBLICITY SHOTS, for a Peter Shaffer play, which include A CLEAR SHOT OF HIS WAND, would ruin his chances of playing Harry Potter in the final two movies.
Radcliffe will remain the face of Harry Potter; but sorry boys and girls, he’ll be wearing his robes for this role.

You thought yesterday’s post of a news anchor making fun of an obese kid and a bear injuring himself on a trampoline was awkward? Well, there’s awkward “funny” and then there’s awkward “mortifying.” Check out this clip of CNN’s GLENN BECK interviewing an US Weekly editor about the controversial American Idol nudie pictures. I’ve told some offensive jokes in my day, but none of them EVER went over as badly as this one.

CRINGE BUTT: When someone does something SO embarrassing your butt clenches tight enough to break a pencil.

A pair of realistic peace activists plan to hit up Sen. Gordon Smith’s office today, asking him—again—to pledge to vote against additional funding for the Iraq War. This isn’t the first time activists have converged at Smith’s downtown Portland office. Usually, the activists wind up getting arrested (six times so far, according to Troy Horton of Defund the War).

Writes activist Tom Hastings:

Valerie and I will head into Smith’s at noon today and we will leave in cuffs for the jailhouse under arrest—or with a promise from Smith’s staffers that he will vote against the upcoming $100B supplemental…

Please come out and simply stand in solidarity on the plaza below anytime after noon. We may be up there in his office until after 5 p.m., when they will have us arrested. We may be arrested for sitting down in front of the escalators at street level—or anything in-between these possible scenarios. If there is a camera or two, your presence will amplify our message. Resistance means crossing the line to get arrested and it means crossing the line from opinion to belief. Your support for our belief shows that belief is spreading and that is unstoppable.

Or, Hastings says, you can call Smith’s office—503-326-3386— and also ask him not to vote for the additional funding.

The new Modest Mouse album, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank, is excellent.

Album’s (officially) out on 3/20. Two (sold out) shows @ the Crystal on 3/14 and 3/15.

That’s all.

At least 20 people killed after tornadoes hit Alabama and Georgia.

Don’t throw away your driver’s license yet: The Real ID Act deadline, mandating national drivers license standards, pushed back to late 2009.

Anna Nicole’s funeral: “Fit for a queen.”

Hiccuping Florida teen Jennifer Mee: No longer hiccuping, after five weeks.

Early morning shooting on Powell: Man shot in groin. Ouch.

Angelia Jolie: Adopting a Vietnamese kid? By herself? (Sorry Brad!)

Seattle Seahawks CEO takes over Blazers.

I don’t know a single person who’s seen Serenity—or Firefly, the TV show on which it’s based—who hasn’t loved it. And things look to be getting even better w/ a special edition DVD of Serenity coming out this summer. Writer/director Joss Whedon fills in the details over at Whedonesque.

Also, here’s a YouTube that combines moments from Firefly with the greatest song ever recorded: the Fresh Prince’s “Wild, Wild West.” (You want more? Check out this Firefly montage, which plays out to the second greatest song ever recorded—Bon Jovi’s “Wanted: Dead or Alive.”) God, the internet is amazing.

A tip o’ the hat to Blogtown regular b!X for the heads up.

In this week’s paper we wrote about Montreal’s fantastic French-singing Malajube, but we didn’t have the space to share the love for Snowden. They sing in American English, thank god, and they just might be the only band to kick some life into the dead/boring genre of Shoegaze. Keep your peepers off your Chuck Taylors and keep them on this band (it’s doesn’t hurt that they are hot), as they torch through their swirling songs that are capped by the I-don’t-give-a-fuck singing of Jordan Jeffares.

Nothing makes a band sexier than a remix song: Anti-Anti (Teasure Fingers Remix)

Snowden plays at Dante’s tonight.

What does a gigantic hamburger, an obese child, a bear bouncing on a trampoline, the atomic bomb, Switzerland, and a clearly mortified co-host have in common? Every subject is covered in under two minutes by this morning local chat show host, who is so amazingly wrong on so many levels. Send flowers to his poor, beleaguered partner, please.

My new episode of It’s the Jump Off is up for your listening pleasure this week. It’s the final ‘cast of my 3-parter on Houston’s rap scene, and today’s show is all about what’s going down in H-Town right now. Some seriously good music on this one—we’ve got tracks from Z-Ro, Trae, and Slim Thug, as well as newer stuff by Bun-B, a track of Chamillionaire’s latest mixtape (featuring Akon), and Mike Jones’ surprising awesome leaked track, “Mr. Jones.” Go ahead and listen here.

Yes. I spend all day surfing geeky film, gaming, and TV sites so you don’t have to. No, no, don’t thank me. It’s cool.

• Two Cronenberg remakes are in the works: Scanners (which could definitely be done better) and The Fly (are you kidding me?).

• Star Trek XI: Now officially directed by the dude who brought us Lost, Alias, and Mission: Impossible III. Excellent. (Casting rumors, meanwhile, can be found here. They’re likely bullshit, but still, this “Matt Damon as Kirk” rumor is proving pretty damn resilient.)

• My favorite videogame blog, Kotaku, reports that Grand Theft Auto IV should be out for PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 in October, to the dismay of hyperparanoid parents and the delight of opportunistic politicians (coughHILLARYcough). Shortly thereafter—and re: an unrelated manner—Sony blackballed Kotaku. Ah, Sony. First you fuck up the PS3 so no one wants/can afford one, and then you do shit like this. Your PR guys are tops.

• PeeWee Herman is starring in a pilot that sounds suspiciously similar to ALF. Except, you know, worse. Somehow.

Yowzers! What a day for infamy!

First, the fine folks over at LoadedOrygun paid me (and all of us here at Blogtown) a helluva compliment, saying we “kick ass.” They do a lot of great work over there on state legislature issues, so it’s nice to hear that they like us, they really like us.

But then! Things got even better! The feature I wrote this week, “The Holy War Room,” got a rave review by local conservative blog NW Republican, who said, “Its [sic] worth the read,” adding, “Comedic, poorly informed, closed mindedness in action.” I’m also accused of “pure ingnorance.” Yes. Ingnorance.

Jesus—We Both Have Beards. Coincidence?

The entirety of the post is about one statement I made in the article that equates the conservative strains of Islam with the conservative strains of Christianity. While I normally bristle at having my intellect challenged by someone with little grasp on punctuation, I’m honored by the post, and I recommend it to all our readers. And please, feel free to chime in to the ongoing discussion.

You know what this means—I’ve finally made it!

It’s that time again—First Thursday, where you can show your support for the arts by running the yuppie, small dog, and Franzia gauntlet. It’s not my cup of chablis, but thousands of people turn out, no matter what the weather. If you brave the masses tonight, I’d be sure to catch these shows. Or wait until the weekend, when you can actually—you know—see the artwork.

Adam Sorenson and Matt McCormick at Elizabeth Leach (two separate shows)

Jason Fulford at Quality Pictures

Casey Watson at Motel

And if you haven’t seen Chris Johanson’s show at the Portland Art Museum tonight, it’s totally free because it’s first Thursday. Ha-ha! Just kidding—we’d be out of our minds to expect PAM to pass any of that “Quest For Immortality” cash-rakage on to artlovers. Like the woman just told me on the phone, “Regular admission always applies.” (But try to catch Johanson’s show anyway.) Jesus, they’re a hard museum to love.

From my most prized possession… Random House Historical Dictionary of American Slang (Vol. 1)
douchebag n. a stupid, contemptible, or despicable person of either sex.
Also attrib.
1945 in AS (Oct. 1946) 238: Douche bag. A military misfit. 1946-51 J. Jones Here to Eternity 311 [ref. to 1941]: You cannot see any further than that douchebag nose of yours. 1967 AS XLII 228: Douche bag… any individual whom the speaker desires to deprecate. 1973 TULIPQ (coll. B.K. Dumas): He’s a real douchebag. 1974 Nat. Lampoon (Aug.) 17: I ran into this big bully named Vince and his douchebag pals. 1978 S. King Stand 171: Even scummy douchebags like you. 1983 Stapleton 30 Yrs. 159: He used to call one… a dildo and the other one a douche bag. 1986 Thacker Pawn 69: That REMF douche bag. 1990 Murano & Hoffer Cop Hunter 177: You’re dealing with… douche bags.

Yesterday’s news story linking to photos of a downtown cop arresting a drunk street kid has started considerable debate on Blog Town. Of the people I’ve spoken to about the story, and of the comments I’ve read on here, some of you are with the cops on this, some are against them. Here’s a letter that just landed in the Mercury’s inbox:

Anybody with any military experience can see from the photo that officer Dobson was restraining, not choking. And spitting on a person (or cop) is third degree assault. Some of those punks out here should be shot as choking would be to lenient as that they have no respect for anybody. I have had experience with Officer Dobson and can say one gets the respect one deserves. Remember respect goes two ways. And it is earned, not deserved.

Semper Fidelis

Wesley Ellis
Portland OR (a.k.a. “Little beirut”)

This just in from Trail Blazers HQ:

“Steve Patterson has resigned as President and General Manager of the Portland Trail Blazers, effective immediately… an immediate search would be conducted to name a team General Manager and find a new President of Business Operations, both will be Portland-based positions responsible for the day-to-day operations of the franchise.”

Pick me! I’m perfect for the job! When I get drunk and watch Blazers games I’m always yelling at my TV about how things would be better if I ran this damn team. Plus, let’s be honest here, working at the Mercury BLOWS. As Blazers GM, I’d get use of that sweet charter jet, my own custom novelty jersey and all the cotton candy I can eat during games. Plus now I might finally get to party with Zach Randolph, and I’d be his boss!

Until they announce my hiring, The Blazers are in action tonight against creepy ‘stached Adam Morrison and the Charlotte Bobcats. Meanwhile, I’m packing my belongings and waiting for the call from Paul Allen.

First order of business, firing Blaze The Trail Cat.

It’s time once again to play “BUMP IT OR DUMP IT” where YOU weigh in with your opinions on the latest joints. And looky what we have here! The latest song/video from Oscar-loser BEYONCE entitled “Upgrade U” featuring Jay-Z. While I’ve had some harsh words to say about her latest release (which I think should’ve been entitled “NAG! NAG! NAG!), this song started growing on me at the half-way point.
BUT WHAT DO YOU THINK? Watch the video, leave a comment below and let us know… will you…
BUMP IT OR DUMP IT?
(Or if you’d rather, UPGRADE OR DOWNGRADE?)

John McCain: Running for president. Will make it extra official in April.

Largo, Florida city officials: Homophobes (shocker!).

Anna Nicole: Going in the ground tommorow.

YouTube’s “What What (in the Butt)”: “tapping into the stupendous growth of interest in anal sex among everybody.”

Let it snow: 60 car pile up on Washington State’s I-90.

Don’t cry over spilled milk: 3,000 gallons spill onto I-84 westbound.

There is no “weird news” category on Blog Town. So “TV” will have to do:

Portland’s “Comedy Cop” Detective Willie Halliburton will star in a reality TV show after all, following Tom Potter’s reversal of an earlier decision not to allow cameras into the Police Bureau.HALLIBURTON: “Comedy Cop.”

Halliburton, who works out of SE precint and has moonlighted as a stand-up comedian for 17 years, made his announcement to a group of PSU students today—he is currently negotiating with two Los Angeles-based TV stations over rights to shoot the show.

Reports emerged last November that Potter had declined Halliburton’s original request for TV access, fearing such intrusion could harm the Police Bureau’s image. But today Halliburton confirmed to Blog Town that the mayor has changed his mind. The mayor has been in budget hearings all day, and could not comment on the story.

Halliburton started stand-up after winning a $250 prize at a Portland open-mic night when he first moved here, and has carried on since then. “Since I’ve been doing stand-up, people always come up to me and say, this is so refreshing to see that you guys are human,” he says, hoping the show will break down stereotypes about police officers.

“I feel like the show could open a lot of eyes, and let people out there know that they don’t have to be a certain type of person to be a police officer. I wear dreads, and I’m hoping they’ll be in full flow by the summer, for the TV cameras. I want people to know that they can wear any style and be a police officer. We’re not all this one type of person.”

For weeks, the Oregon House Committee on Elections, Ethics, and Rules has been hammering away on a package of reforms to the initiative petition process, following numerous reports that signature gatherers were very clearly violating state law.

They’ve proposed a sweeping collection of reforms, from requiring all signature gatherers to be trained and registered with the state, to forbidding convicted forgers and identity thieves from gathering signatures for five years. There’s also a provision that prevents anyone from writing on a petition sheet except for the person signing the sheet. Currently, a signer only needs to sign their name, and the petitioners can fill in the rest, which critics say opens the door to fraud.

Among all of the issues being considered by the state legislature, this is one of the most important—since it fundamentally affects the way decisions are made in the state. It’s difficult to imagine anyone opposing efforts to make the democratic process more above-board and free of fraud—but leave it to former Republican gubernatorial candidate Kevin Mannix.

Last Thursday, Mannix filed two nearly identical initiatives (#73 and #74) for 2008 called “Defense of Initiative Rights” and “Protect Initiative Rights and Nullify Restrictions.” They would require that any “restriction” the legislature puts on the initiative process be referred to voters—essentially, an automatic referendum on any reforms. So if the legislature wants to make it harder for convicted forgers to gather the personal information of Oregonians? Too bad! It’d have to go to the voters. Want to make it harder chief petitioners to look the other way when their employees violated state law? Nope! Voters.

It shouldn’t be a big worry for supporters of reform; the last major change to the process—the ban on payment per signature—passed by an overwhelming majority. Still, the more money and energy that has to go into fighting initiatives is less money and energy that can be spent actually advancing needed progressive policies—cynics could probably argue that this is exactly what people like Mannix want.

Update: Of course, this all refers to paid signature gatherers only. Volunteer signature gatherers aren’t affected.

Yesterday, b!X over at PortlandsFutureCharter.com noticed that someone from Grove Insight, a well known local polling firm, was poking around his website, which is the local blog (besides this one) to get all your charter reform news.

“Are they just interested in the Charter reform discussion,” he asked, “or have they been hired on by one of the campaigns?”

Officially, it’s the latter. According to Lisa Grove, she’s just signed on to oppose the form of government charter change. She said that it was still unclear what, exactly, she’ll be doing for the campaign, but since she’s a pollster, the smart money is on her, you know, running polls.

Grove is the latest local politico to pitch in. Patricia McCaig, of McCaig Communications & Opinion, conducted a poll for the pro-reform side, Citizens to Reform City Hall, and says she’s volunteering for the campaign. Mark Wyner is running the pro-campaign’s website, and Mark Wiener is helping the opposition campaign.

Confused yet?

OK, usually I mention film- or comic-themed sneakers for the benefit of those who are most interested in the film- and comic-related Blogtown posts, but who are subjected to at least scrolling past my fashion-related posts. But these Tron sneakers from Reebok (they call them “Glow” but whatevs, they’re Tron) are especially awesome. If I was a dude, and didn’t care about outsourced labor in the sneaker industry, I would totally rock these. But I’d only wear them out at night, because in daylight they are kind of boring:

But when you turn off the lights…



Word to Highsnobiety.

This blog has seen some lively discussion on pants’ shape. We have been weathering an era during which the skinny jean has wreaked its tight-ankled dominance over trends, and many of you Blogtown readers spoke out against its tyranny. But are you ready… to go back all the way opposite, to BELL BOTTOMS? Look what just rolled off the Paris runway at the Balmain show:

This is one of the most amazing rap clips I’ve ever seen—I just watched it twice, and the smile on my face widened with every passing minute. This must have been from 1991 or ‘92—somewhere smack dab in the middle of my high school years. It’s as if every popular and relevant rapper from that era took to the stage of the Arsenio Hall Show at once to show Chunky A some love. Wu-Tang, Tribe Called Quest, Guru of Gangstarr, Das EFX—they’re all there, along with so many more. I’ve got no interest in fetishizing anything “old school” just for old school’s sake, but this is the joint.

If you’re like me, you LOVE COMPETITION. And the more ridiculous the competition is, the better YOU LIKE IT. Bearing that in mind, check out this very funny clip from Jackass-y-style British TV show BALLS OF STEEL in which our protagonist steals a cowboy hat from a store in the mall, and then attempts to outrun the security guard. They call it “URBAN SPRINTING”—and I will be forever disappointed if this hilarious event doesn’t make it into the next Olympics!

Thanks Web Junk!

This one kind of snuck up on us, but Sue Coe, one of the country’s leading activist artists, has a show opening at PNCA tomorrow night, and will give a lecture about her work tonight at 6:30 pm. Graphic Witness contains drawings and woodcuts about lighthearted topics such as Hurricane Katrina, animal rights issues, the war in Iraq, and imprisoned, HIV+ women. Coe is a pretty big deal artist, with work in most major museum collection in the US, so this’ll be a nice chance to catch up with some of her recent work.

PNCA, 1241 NW Johnson, lecture at 6:30 pm tonight, show runs March 1-April 16

Xenu bless those crazy Scientologists! John Travolta—who’s currently starring in Wild Hogs, which is already generating Oscar buzz—has joined the mourners of Anna Nicole Smith… while adding that, y’know, just in case anybody’s interested, Scientology totally could have saved her. “It’s so sad,” Travolta said, according to Metro.co.uk. “We could have helped her with Narconon but didn’t get a chance to. I wish we had.” (For you non-cultists out there, Narconon is Scientology’s über-creepy anti-drug program. Kind of like Narcotics Anonymous, but for people who have watched Battlefield Earth a few too many times.)

MEANWHILE… In other Scientology/Anna Nicole Smith news, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII declared “Anna Nicole’s death was truly a tragedy. Like a Vasgaardian Pit Tiger caught in a vicious trap in the Deluthian Forests of Extelon IV, my sadness knows no bounds. Then again, she was merely what you would call a ‘hu-mon,’ and therefore expendable in L. Ron Hubbard’s Great Plan for the universe. Soon, Scientology will spread throughout the 479 known galaxies, and her sacrifice—which shall drive future drug-addled, fame-crazed, possibly mentally retarded ex-Playboy bunnies to our excellent services such as Narconon—will not be in vain. Victory!”

This week’s Mercury—which you’ll be able to read when it hits the streets tonight—features a story on this photograph, taken by a downtown witness to the arrest of a 20-year-old street kid allegedly drinking alcohol outside Pioneer Place Mall last Friday:PHOTO: Out of context?

UPDATE: The cops have asked for a wider crop to also be printed. No problem. Here it is:PHOTO: Click on the image for the widest crop as a popup…

In a picture taken by one anonymous onlooker with a cell phone, bike patrol Officer Craig Dobson appears to be holding a suspect by the throat against a Pioneer Place store window, as Sergeant Ronald Mason and a downtown Portland Patrol, Inc. security officer look on.

“The man in the photo said something that made the officer mad, and the cop grabbed him by the throat for well over a minute,” says a witness. This same witness also reported that the young man and his two friends were initially approached by a patrolling security officer, who saw them sharing two cans of Hamm’s beer and alerted police.

The cops see things differently, saying the man was one of three suspects arrested for drinking alcohol on the street, and that he was belligerent during a search. According to Dobson’s arrest report, the suspect said, “fuck you” numerous times. The cops say no “use of force” report was filed with the arrest report, because Dobson’s actions didn’t constitute an official use of force.

Dobson, who spoke to the Mercury yesterday, on Tuesday, says the subject refused to face the wall three times during the search. Moreover, Dobson says he was not holding the kid by the throat, but turning his chin away with his thumb—in line with police training to prevent the suspect from spitting on him. And not for a minute, but for “moments,” he says.

Dobson says the photo also does not show that the crowd gave him a round of applause for arresting the men—all three, un-contactable by the Mercury—who were arrested for drinking alcohol in public—adding: “What frustrates me is, people will outright lie… take something out of context and show it as something different.”

Today the cops released this footage of Dobson Tasering a suspect in the street. It was taken by a passing citizen impressed with the officer’s professionalism, according to the cops.VIDEO: In context?

The cops’ spokesman, Brian Schmautz, says that in combative encounters with suspects, “officers are not only concerned that the suspect may assault them but are also concerned that, because Hepatitis and MRSA are realistic dangers, the suspect may spit on them or other citizens nearby.”

Cell phone footage of the cops can, indeed, be damning in the eyes of Portland’s public. But is this new form of citizen oversight in danger of being misleading? Taken out of context? Or should the cops have nothing to fear from such close scrutiny, as long as they’re acting in policy?

From New York to London, to Milan, to Paris, I’ve been frantically trying to process all of the collections flying down the Fall/Winter ‘07 runways. The sheer number of hours spent clicking through hundreds and hundreds of photos this entails can be kind of infuriating, which is arguably a good thing because it affords you very little patience for the collections that are too ugly or—infinitely worse and more commonly—boring. It sort of forces you to refine your tastes, like a visual boot camp. The best is when you’re all “click, click, click, uggghhh, I hate this, I hate dresses with feathers, grrr, I hate flat boots…” or whatever, and then—bang!—you click something that wakes you up—INSTA-LOVE! Which often means it’s veering towards trendy, familiar ground, and ultimately it’s not as precious as the designs that stop you in your tracks because they’re just so weird, and then they slowly creep into your heart. Things that seem at once uncomfortable, yet possible. You’re not ready to vouch for them yet, but you have a vision of a future in which you might. That’s the feeling I get from Balenciaga shoes. Check the Fall ‘06 signature shape:

My first thought last year was that it looked like the hoof of a Clydsdale. Witchy, weird, and kind of ugly, but fascinating. But a pair of these would add an astonishing six full inches to my height, and any of the many pedestrian people who offered dull, negative assessments of them could be easily brained to death with them. (And yes, I know and love that many of you hate them.)

Now check this year’s madness:

This is classic Balenciaga, and it still makes me do a double take. I don’t like them, exactly, and it seems impossible that I ever will, but I said that last year about the Clydesdales, so I’m going to keep and eye on them.

A far more accessible version, minus the crayon box, but still more controversial than most mortals can handle. For something much safer, comfort yourself with the soothing sight of the trendier shoes from this year’s Alberta Ferretti show that sent me into a spell of insta-love after the break.

Over at PortlandTransport, Chris “Citizen” Smith has news that the Portland Planning Commission has dissed Sam Adams’ Burnside/Couch Couplet plan.

The Planning Commission joins residents of “The Henry” condo building in opposing the idea, which would turn West Burnside and NW Couch into two one-way streets.

At a work session last night, the Commission decided that the city should:

* not move forward on the B/C couplet * enhance Burnside * address Burnside safety issues * develop an urban design and development on B/C * eliminate Broadway as a barrier between East and West Couch * make more positive pedestrian environment as development occurs * make streetscape improvements * apply sound economic strategies and assist social services in the area * make turn lanes from Burnside * evaluate East/West streetcar alignment as a part of the rail system plan to find the best spot for it

Further, they recommended that IF the City Council does adopt the couplet to:
* implement pedestrian safety measures on Burnside now
* make streetcar part of the up front improvements
* do not extend the couplet past 16th, however the streetcar could be
* make I-405 overpass upgrades
* make street designation changes right away

Smith disagrees, saying that simply “enhancing” Burnside/Couch won’t improve safety for pedestrians nearly as much as the couplet. Also, I might add, the Commission’s recommendations don’t address the planned “bike boulevard” on NW Flanders, which would likely be a component of the Couplet proposal.

Keep your eyes on PortlandTransport for more of that discussion—Smith and his readers are transportation policy wonks of the wonkiest variety.

Peep the new video for the first single (“Dashboard”) from the new Modest Mouse album, We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank. In it, Isaac Brock battles sea creatures, lost limbs and a raging case of Scurvy.

Eat a lime, dude.

Horror struck Hollywood today — and in particular, the bikini model community — when it was learned that everyone who attended the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party held on Valentine’s day may have been exposed to HEPATITUS A. According to TMZ.com, the L.A. County Board of Health announced that an employee of WOLFGANG PUCK (who was catering the event) has the disease and has potentially exposed and endangered much of the world’s hottest bikini models… including BEYONCE who was featured on this year’s cover! In order to avoid serious illness, everyone in attendance has been instructed to get an immune globulin shot by TOMORROW.
Sure, you may laugh now… but if those girls die, next year’s Sports Illustrated covergirl may be TYRA BANKS by default. You’re in our prayers, bikini models.

There’s been a lot of hay made recently about the hit show 24, and its repeated use of TORTURE in order to gain information from suspects. What all these high ‘n’ mighty opinion pieces fail to recognize is that in most cases, TORTURE WORKS. For a perfect example, check out this heelarioso mash-up of The Goonies and 24 in which Jack Bauer tortures an all-too-willing-to-cooperate Chunk Cohen.

Thanks to… ummm… Horny Oyster.

A new song from Talib Kweli and Hi-Tek? That makes me happy. Even if it’s not that amazing of a song, still: New Talib Kweli & Hi-Tek.

Sadly, the Buttery Lords still make me sad.

Take a look at all those bridal magazines. There has to a hundred or more titles. I took this a pic at one of a magazine shop at Boston’s airport this morning. Logan International isn’t just the leaping-off point of choice for crazed Islamic terrorist motherfuckers, it would appear. Logan is also preferred half-crazed brides-to-be too everywhere—how else to explain all that shelf space devoted to all that wedding porn?

Now looking at this pic you might think the bridal mag market is completely saturated. That’s what I thought. But then I spotted the premiere issue of…

Engagement 101!

And I bought it. Because after three days in airports you pretty much run out of decent magazines to read. So you make do with indecent ones.

Now, the mission of your traditional bridal magazines is making sure that the happy couple is bankrupt after their wedding. Engagement 101—brought to us by the publishers of Wedding Dresses—is dedicated to the proposition that the truly happy couple really ought to go bankrupt before the wedding. Some of the teasers from the cover…

“Over 600 Rings Inside!”

“The Hottest Celebrity Ring Trends!”

“Engagement Party Essentials!”

“Buying Guide—From A to Z!”

Inside there are real life engagement stories (so romantic!), page after page of ads for rings featuring diamonds bigger than my house (so expensive!), and advice about living together before marriage (so depends!). In addition to advice about staging the perfect engagement dinner (do try to keep it to under 100 guests—it’s more intimate that way), pricey bridal party fashions (surprise—another dress to buy!), and a bizarre soft-core porn photo spread of a couple rolling around in bed (what the fuck was selling us? romantic pre-honeymoons?), I particularly loved the article about whether a woman should allow her dolt of a husband-to-be to buy her an engagement ring without her supervision.

In this modern day and age, should women be completely surprised by their new ring or should they provide guidance to their guys? Will a few subtle hints work? Can you future husband be trusted with such an important task by himself?

The answer is no. But doesn’t dragging your man down to the jewelers to buy your engagement ring ruin the surprise? Nope, says one of the women who helped pick her own ring, as “the exact day, moment, and location of the official proposal remained a surprise to her.” Here’s hoping he surprised her by giving the ring to a woman that isn’t so controlling and materialistic.

In the bad-timing department, Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson—appearing now in divorce court—are one of the celeb couples whose choice of engagement ring is written up. (Rock gave Anderson an 18-carat heart-shaped canary yellow diamond.) Nicole Kidman and Tori Spelling, those twin pillars of matrimonial bliss, are also written up. (A three stone diamond ring and a diamond and sapphire ring, respectively.)

But the award for most single hilarious aspect of Engagement 101 goes to…. it’s a tie! The “Editor’s Note” and the “Ring-Buying Guide—For Him” both presume, hilariously enough, that straight men are going to read this magazine. That is not gonna happen. Yet listen as the editor—Severine Ferrari—yammers on…

Love is in the air. You have been dating for more than two years, and you are still gazing at each other like you just met. Even the mess he leaves behind or the hours of shopping you have to endure for her cannot turn you away from the fact that there he/she is: the one… (If you are not sure, check out our quiz on page 26.) A major part of this issue is dedicated to help both of you go through the proposal and ring-buying process…. [and we] round out the issue with all you need to know to prepare for your official engagement party, from tipping on the reception to what you should wear.

Hm… sounds romantic, doesn’t it? Hey, Severine lives in New York City. Anyone care to do a quick records search and see how many times she’s been divorced?

Richard M. Daley: Landed a sixth term as the strong mayor of Chicago, scoring 71 percent of the vote.

Portland Fire Bureau: Adds oxygen masks for pets, including “Fido, Fifi, the ferret and the flying squirrel.”

Scooter Libby trial: Still no verdict.

Al Gore: An energy hog? (Confidential to WW: Write that down! I bet he uses a lot of water, too!)

Portland’s weather: Cold. Wet.

Portland’s weather: Screwed up the tram?

Stock market: Rebounding… except in Asia.

Anna Nicole’s family: Back in court!

Carry on.

This may be old news to some, but it’s brand new to me, and kinda sad:

Microcosm Publishing is leaving Portland—mostly. According to a press release just sent out, they’re closing their North Portland storefront on March 16. The mail order side of the business will move to—gasp!—Bloomington, Indiana. They’ll still have merch available at In Other Words Books, and two staffers, Jessie Duquette and Franco Ortega, will stay in town.

The reason for leaving? Misguided gentrification, apparently.

“The development in North Portland around Mississippi Ave is sickening, with the new loft projects being the most disturbing,” says founder Joe Biel. “Owning property in North Portland is now reserved for the wealthy elite. Maybe people with interest in urban development could focus instead on a city in need of it.”

Harsh!

The good news: From March 8-15, Microcosm is having a “buy it before it’s in a box” moving sale—10 percent off on everything. The Liberty Hall shop (311 N Ivy) will be open until 6pm March 16. Or hit ‘em up at their website.

The full press release is after the jump.

Microcosm Publishing Announces Closure of Portland Storefront, Relocation to Bloomington, Indiana

Portland, OR, February 26, 2007 – Microcosm Publishing announces the closure of its Portland storefront, and the relocation of its mail order operation to Bloomington, Indiana. Since 1999, the independent publisher and distributor has called numerous locations in North Portland home, quickly outgrowing each site. Opening in 2004, Microcosm’s Liberty Hall storefront (311 N Ivy) has been a hub for self-publishing and zine culture and a destination for visitors to Portland from all over the world.

Over the last four years, Microcosm has had the best selling small press title at Powell’s Books, and this past December and January earned the best selling title in any category with their ’Zinester’s Guide to Portland.

The Microcosm staff first discussed the possibility of leaving Portland in 2006 when their latest search for a reasonably priced larger facility came up dry.

Says Microcosm founder Joe Biel, “The development in North Portland around Mississippi Ave is sickening, with the new loft projects being the most disturbing. Owning property in North Portland is now reserved for the wealthy elite. Maybe people with interest in urban development could focus instead on a city in need of it."

After much deliberation, the staff decided it was time for Microcosm to leave Portland, and decided that Bloomington, Indiana—a creative, hip town with a healthy literary community and independent spirit—would be its new
home.

But Microcosm isn’t abandoning Portland altogether. All titles, patches, and T-shirts will be available at In Other Words Books (8 N Killingsworth), and Microcosm staff members Jessie Duquette and Franco Ortega will stay in town to facilitate local needs. Says Duquette, “We have strong ties to many Portland businesses and to the local independent arts community. We definitely aren’t going to cut and run. In fact, by moving our fulfillment operation away from Portland, our Portland staff will be able to focus on nurturing those relationships and building new ones. We see this change as an incredible opportunity for growth.”

In the meantime, Microcosm has up coming tours of the US and Canada planned, along with a re-launch of the www.MicrocosmPublishing.com website and the release of several new books and videos. Also, Microcosm is considering opening a Portland storefront in the future.

All online Microcosm sales and shipping will remain unaffected and the store will be in operation until 6pm on March 15. Microcosm is having a final sale at Liberty Hall, running March 8-15. During the “Buy it Before It’s in a Box” moving sale, all stock will be 10% off.

ABOUT MICROCOSM PUBLISHING - Microcosm Publishing is an independent publisher and distributor currently based in Portland, OR. We distribute ideas through zines, books, pamphlets, stickers, buttons, patches, t-shirts, posters, films, and more! We focus on publishing zines and books in the hopes that it will add credibility to zine writers and their ethics. Our titles attempt to teach self-empowerment and show hidden history while nurturing people's creative side. We began in 1996 with one person doing part-time mail order out of a bedroom, and know carry over 2,000 items. More information about Microcosm Publishing can be found by visiting www.MicrocosmPublishing.com

Until you watch this, that is:

Wasn’t it just months ago that Oregon conservatives were squawking about how we needed a “Rainy Day Fund”?

Now, when given a chance in the legislature to actually create one (unlike Measure 48, the “rainy day” amendment, which wouldn’t have actually created a rainy day fund), House Republicans decided to sing a different song. House Bill 2707 would have directed the “corporate kicker” (essentially, tax refunds that go to corporations) and one percent of the state’s general budget into a rainy day fund, to be held on reserve to help pay for state services during economic downtimes.

But in today’s vote, the House split along party lines—bad news, since the bill needed 40 votes (more than a majority) to pass. Republicans instead had been pushing for a watered down bill that would have, according to House Majority Leader Dave Hunt, kept a half a billion dollars headed back into corporate hands.

The next move: The Senate is working on a plan that would send the proposal to voters this May.

If the world starts running out of ketchup soon, we’ll all know why: John Kerry and Teresa Heinz Kerry have been traveling the country “in a national campaign to see at firsthand how [environmental] issues unite people across party and ideological lines.”

And “what they found is a vibrant coalition of people and communities deploying ingenuity, technology, and sheer willpower to save the world they know and love.”

And they wrote a book about it. A book called This Moment On Earth.

And now they’ll be coming to Portland to promote it: Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne, Monday, April 2, 7pm, $26, which includes a copy of the book.

Wait. Doesn’t John Kerry have a full time job, you know, being the junior senator of Massachusetts? And doesn’t Teresa Heinz Kerry have a condiment empire to prop up?

And aren’t we all still a little pissed that Kerry let a douchebag like George W. Bush stomp him in 2004?

Anyway. When’s Al Gore coming back to town?

While there are a number of reasons I love this job, one of my faves is when a reader sends in a totally awesome letter to the editor. Here’s one that really made my freaking day, from local white rap group THE BUTTERY LORDS in response to Erik Henriksen’s write up in this week’s Up & Coming section. First, Erik’s review:

Buttery Lords-three local white guys doing jokey hiphop-are annoying. (It’s important, there, not to confuse “jokey” with either “funny” or “fun.”) Here’s what I think of every time I hear these guys’ album, Buttered for Her Pleasure: That fucking goof at the party. You know the kid: like 17, 18 years old? Baggy cargos and Hot Topic T-shirt? Baseball cap with the brim at a 45-degree angle? The kid who walks into a party-uninvited, but tagging along ‘cause he’s like somebody’s cousin or something-and he’s like “Par-TAY! Where my niggas at?” and everybody’s like, “Aw, fuck. Time to go home.” But this kid just guffaws, and then: “Let’s kick out some phat jamz, yo! Hey, who saw Family Guy last night?! Ha-HAW! Daaaamn! Who’s got the chronic?” Then everybody goes home. Yeah: Buttery Lords are like if some malicious scientist combined the worst parts of the Beastie Boys, Pauly Shore, and that party-killing douche. Buttered for her pleasure, indeed. ERIK HENRIKSEN

Stay tuned after the jump to read the Buttery Lords’ awesome response which includes Erik Henriksen being compared to a bulging bag of dicks.

Dear Mercury Editors:

Erik Henriksen - a local white film critic writing music previews - is
annoying. Here's what I think of every time I read this guy's writing: a
big bag of dicks. You know the bag: a big, juicy, hundred-count? Bought
at Costco for cheap? Lasts you about a week? There you are, eating them,
and everyone's like, "mmmm, can I have some dicks?" And you're all,
"fuck, no, I need all these dicks for myself." Yeah, Erik Henriksen is
like if some chef cooked up all those dicks with a pile of rat turds and Tim Allen. Yum!

Sincerely,
The Buttery Lords

Thanks for your great letter, BL! (Erik Henriksen is currently unavailable for comment, largely due to the number of dicks in his mouth.)

For years, the City of Portland has played a delicate balancing act with Drug- and Prostitution-Free Zones, otherwise known as “exclusion zones” that take up large chunks of the city.

For years, police officers were allowed to issue exclusions to anyone they suspected of possessing or using drugs, or engaging in prostitution—suspects didn’t even need to be arrested in order to be excluded from the zones. Think that sounds unconstitutional? Join the club (meaning the ACLU). Last March, Mayor Potter and city council managed to strike a compromise—in order to be excluded from one of the zones, a person has to be arrested and slated to appear in court.

Unfortunately, those exclusions aren’t tied at all to actual convictions. So, for instance, someone could be arrested on suspicion of drug dealing or prostitution, but even if they’re acquitted, they could still be excluded from large swaths of the city for 90 days or more.

Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it? But that was the only “solution” that would appease neighbors, downtown businesses, and law enforcement. All that might come to an end, though, with Senate Bill 642, introduced by State Rep. Chip Shields. SB642 would require any exclusion be tied to an actual conviction for a crime.

So why did we have to wait for the state legislature to clean up a city problem? Could it be that legislators like Shields don’t have to bend over backwards for people like the Portland Business Alliance? Please feel free to speculate wildly about all of this in the comments section.

The stuck tram, courtesy of b!X.

It’s moving again now (but very very slowly), but for several minutes the north cabin was just hanging above Barbur.

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

Proving how amazing it is, the tram stopped itself midway between stations today, when high winds apparently tripped a sensor that monitors the condition of the system’s haul rope (the rope that moves the cabins). You may see this as a problem with an oversensitive indicator—I, a tram fan, see it as a system with ample safety precautions. Tomato, tomato.

From KPTV:

Tram staff said they evaluated the situation and deemed the haul rope operational. The tram resumed its path and passengers exited the tram safely at the station.

Wind may have caused the haul rope’s indicator to activate and may have stopped the tram cabin, staff said.

The system will be closed for an hour or two for “evaluation.”

From the New York Times roundup of first-time novelists:

Daniel Alarcón’s first novel is set in an unnamed Latin American country in the aftermath of a lengthy civil war. The government has defeated a revolutionary movement known as the Illegitimate Legion. Norma is the host of “Lost City Radio,” a weekly broadcast aimed at reuniting families separated by the conflict: “Every Sunday night, for an hour, since the last year of the war, Norma took calls from people who imagined she had special powers, that she was mantic and all-seeing, able to pluck the lost, estranged and missing from the moldering city.” What she has never said on the air is that her husband, Rey, is among the lost. Then a boy from the village near where Rey disappeared shows up on her doorstep. Mr. Alarcón’s previous book, “War by Candlelight,” a short story collection, was a finalist for the 2006 PEN/Hemingway Award.

Alarcon will appear at Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside, at 7:30 pm

The cops are upping the reward to $5000 for the man who shot 23-year old Jermaine Nyron Davis downtown on New Year’s Eve.

Investigators believe that Davis had a verbal altercation with occupants of a black, 4-door luxury-type vehicle, with lightly tinted windows. Investigators believe someone from inside the vehicle shot at Davis, killing him instantly. The vehicle sped off eastbound on SW Stark Street after the shooting.

This evening, I’ll be a guest on Hillsboro radio station KUIK (AM 1360) during the Jayne Carroll show, talking with extra-special guest host Dave Lister, who takes over for Carroll on her off days.

We’ll be chatting about city politics, charter reform, how great the Mercury is, and why assassins are trying to kill Lister with ice bullets.

I don’t know what the reception in Portland will be like, but for all our fans in Washington County, tune at around 5:30 to hear me—or starting at 3:00, if you want to hear Lister do his thing.

God, I hate videogame stores—be they GameStops or GameCrazys or EBGameses whatever the fuck else, they’re filled with pushy clerks and overpriced games and screaming, unaccompanied kids and etc. ad infinitum. I’ve gotten to the point where I buy my games online just to avoid dealing with the clerks/atmosphere at GameStop.

So this—Nine Insider Secrets From A Retail Video Game Salesman—from The Consumerist (by way of great gaming blog Kotaku) is pretty solid read. As something that’s not much of a surprise, clerks at game stores are treated like shit, and also there’s more helpful info in there, like that extended warranties are usually bullshit, and that pre-ordering a game doesn’t guarantee you a copy of it on launch day. If you’re planning on dropping cash at a videogame store anytime soon—on, say, Barbie Horse Adventures, which is Mercury News Editor Scott Moore’s favorite game of all time—you’d do well to read this.

As we all know, investors are generally coke-heads:MICHAEL DOUGLAS: Typical Wall Street Type

But why should you care? Because thanks to the WALL STREET COKE-HEADS doing a few lines and getting over-excited about CHINA, the US economy has taken its biggest one-day slide in three and a half years today, after the WALL STREET COKE-HEADS realized China isn’t so fantastic, after all:DOW JONES: Billions of dollars lost today, thanks to coke…

Call it irresponsible fear-mongering if you like, but there’s a chance that if global confidence in Chinese stocks continues to plunge, then we’ll soon see a big impact in the US, and all over the world. Consumer confidence is likely to suffer here, which means job losses, and a potential recession.

So if you lose your job, your car, your girlfriend or boyfriend, your children, your parents and your house, who should you blame? The coke-heads on Wall Street. That’s who. Now, consider your credible, balanced economic analysis delivered.

It all seems like a hallucination at this point, but I have some dim recollections of summer in Portland being one of the best places to be in the world. I have no memory of going to work, or the grocery store, or the post office during summer. During summer the only place I remember going is the river. Except when I’m going to a lake instead. Maybe the occasional pool. Obviously, one needs a swinsuit for this lifestyle, or, I would argue, at least two. I have a classic string bikini, but you gotta have a backup for that. The river waits for no one, and summer will slip through your fingers if you let it, without taking advantage every single day. Even when you don’t feel like looking like an extra in a rap video. You have to have an alternative to the skimpy suit, but you don’t want to look matronly. For this, we have a solution: go for the vintage-y Marilyn Monroe-y style that cuts lower on the leg, flatters your midsection, and plays up your cleavage. And one such local source for this is Poppi Swimwear (4831 NE 48th). That’s where I got my more modest suit, and if you’re in the market now is an excellent time to get yours too: March 1-17, they are celebrating their 1st birthday with 10-75% off all merchandise. (Another thing to keep in mind if you don’t find what you need off the rack, is that Poppi also does custom suits.) See you ‘round the water.

Those sneaky snoops at TMZ.com have dug up a new and interesting theory concerning the ongoing woes of BRITNEY SPEARS — she could be suffering from post-partum depression. Sources say that doctors are also looking into the theory Britney may be bipolar (NOTE TO KEVIN: That is not the same as bisexual.) But don’t worry, the docs aren’t downplaying her drinking problems! Says the report…

As for substance abuse, as one source says, “No doubt about it - she likes to drink.” But doctors believe the drinking is a way Spears has coped with a bigger problem.

We’re told Britney, who is sticking it out at the Promises rehab facility in Malibu, is currently reading Brooke Shields’ book, “Down Came the Rain,” in which Shields reveals her battle with post-partum depression.

Hey Tom Cruise! That’s your cue to start shit-talking the use of post-partum drugs! (Sigh… you can never find a Scientologist when you need one.)

UPDATE!! Anna Nicole Smith may have had LUPUS.

Always read the obits—I learned that from mom. And not just the death notices of the rich and famous, as you probably already know all about them. Read the obits of folks you’ve never heard of, as those are the ones that tend to surprise and enlighten. Take the obit in today’s New York Times for “Alan D. Eames, 59, Scholar of Beers Around the World.” Eames was famous enough, of course, to rate a large obit in the NYT—with a picture—but not famous enough for non-beer obsessives to be aware of his life or work. (My brother Bill, I expect, can quote chapter and verse from Eames’ book The Secret Life of Beer.)

Reading Eames’ obit, I learned that the oldest beer advertisement ever discovered dates to 4000 B.C.. It’s for a beer called Elba, “the beer with the heart of a lion.” Elba was apparently the Coors Light of ancient Mesopotamia: the Elba ad—an ancient stone tablet—shows a headless woman with huge breasts holding up two goblets of beer. It took only six thousand years of human civilization to perfect beer ads—we now use two pairs of enormous breasts, preferably attached to twins.

Reading the Eames obit I also learned that beer, despite its masculine association in today’s culture, was…

…the most feminine of beverages. [Eames] said that in almost all ancient societies beer was a considered a gift from a goddess, never a male god.

And finally I learned something about early beer brewing practices that will not, I hope, be resurrected by modern beer snobs and microbrew obsessives…

…women began the brewing process by chewing grains and spitting them into a pot to form a fermentable mass.

You know what the trouble with the world is? NOT ENOUGH CEREALS BASED ON MOVIES. Check out this commercial for C-3PO’s—the delicious Star Wars breakfast.

Bearing that commercial in mind, I firmly believe that all good movies — especially Oscar-winning ones — should get their own cereal. For example:
• Marty Scorsese’s The Depart-ios! Crunchy grains of oats, and marshmallow clovers that squirt blood when you step on them.
• Dreamgirlios! Cereal in all your favorite Dreamgirls shapes; sugar frosted on one side, and 100 percent bitch on the other.
• Letters From Iwo Jima-os! They’re shaped like letters! (What’s that? JAPANESE letters? BOOOOOOOOOO!!!)

Ugh, that sucked. After losing an absolutely heart-breaking game on Friday night, The Trail Blazers traveled to Seattle last night and just plain stunk, falling 97-73 to the Sonics. The team will spend the next two days sitting in a corner, on time-out, and I hope they think about what they’ve done.

They play mustached Adam Morrison and the Charlotte Bobcats on Thursday night at home.

I’ll admit that it took me five days to realize what was going on here, but CHRIST, why are dogs SO DUMB? Hey, Charlotte! While you’re posing for our cover, maybe you should be paying attention to other things. Like the fucking SPACE SHUTTLE that’s taking off BEHIND YOU. Leaving you on Earth—all dressed up in astronaut gear with nowhere to go. God! Goddamn fame-hungry dog astronauts! Always missing their goddamn space shuttle launches! ARGH! When will NASA learn? DOGS MAKE HORRIBLE ASTRONAUTS!

I’m not a big fan of YouTube blog posts, but this clip just hit too close to home for me. North Dakota ace reporter Lacey Crisp takes on the hard-hitting word of “the emos,” and uncovers our their secret desire to cut themselves and draw pictures of Emus. Chilling.

Lacey Crisp, I smell a Pulitzer.

Today’s college students: More narcissistic than Gen Xers.

Speaking of narcissists: Britney Spears books entire wing of rehab center.

Vice President Dick Cheney: Survives a suicide bomb attack on the military base in Afghanistan where he’s staying. Twenty-three others, not so lucky. Taliban calls it an assassination attempt.

Oregon House of Representatives: Poised to tell Congress to stop the damn war already. Or at least pull out the troops.

Driving while typing: Very dangerous.

Civil unions in Oregon: Resurfaced in a bill introduced yesterday—helpfully called House Bill 2007—in Salem. Another bill would ban discrimination based on sexual orientation.

Titanic director James Cameron: Found Jesus’ bones?

Washington High School on SE 14th and Stark: Going to become condos?

American bank accounts: Not prepared for a rainy day.

West Coast States: Signed an agreement to limit greenhouse gases. Take that, President Bush!

Lucky Bastard Cheney and Afghanistan President Hamid Karzai.

Hat tip to Portland’s Future Charter, for linking to a piece from the Columbian of Vancouver, which endorses Portland’s proposed change in system of government.

Setting aside quotes like “among the multitude of reasons Vancouver is superior to Portland is the stark difference in the two types of local government…” the Columbian actually makes a compelling case for a city manager style of government, like the one on May’s ballot.

Which is yet another reason you should not vote for this proposal. Vancouver likes it.

since 1984 the percentage of American cities (population 2,500-plus) that have council-manager systems (strong city managers, “weak” mayors) has increased from 35 percent to 49 percent. Meanwhile, the percentage of cities with mayor-council systems (“strong” mayors) has declined from 56 percent to 43 percent, according to the International City Managers Association.

Most large cities such as Seattle use the mayor-council system of local government, although a few such as Phoenix, Austin and Dallas have the council-manager system. El Paso recently converted from a strong mayor to a city manager, and most folks there—excluding the politicians—love it.

Medium-size cities prefer city managers and part-time, citizen councilors.

C’mon Portland! Do you want to settle for being a “medium-sized city” with a manager? Or do you want to be a big city with a real strong mayor who sets an agenda and carries it out, and an equally impressive council who puts a check on that mayor’s power, while also proposing their own big ideas (and, ideally, representing a specific segment of the city)? That’s a tussle I’d like to see in Portland on an everyday basis—but this proposal on the ballot in May doesn’t set up that nice paradigm. It settles for a weird, hybrid system akin to Vancouver’s. Um… no thanks.

Oscars smoscars. If you want to find out about a real award tune in to VH1 tonight at 10pm to see who is crowned the next white rapper. That’s right folks; it’s the season finale of VH1’s the White Rapper Show and John Brown will square off against $hamrock for the title.

The competition was whittled away through a series of game shows and competitions aimed at making white rappers look like douche bags who know nothing about hip-hop. The competition was weak to start out with, but the finale is going to be a joke. I still think a fourth grader who just learned to spit limericks could’ve taken the whole competition.

One thing you learn when working in the service industry is how little people who don’t work in the industry know about how restaurants work. Although I’ve officially been out of “the industry” for almost a month now, I still occasionally have nightmares about multiple twelve-tops, sides of ranch, and strangers calling me “honey” (anyone else remember that Heavens to Betsy song “Waitress Hell”?)—and I’m still an unflagging advocate for customer etiquette training. You have no idea how obnoxious it is to have 10 credit cards thrown at you with the words, “can we pay separately?” until you’ve experienced it, but I do believe that most people have no interest in being difficult customers (not least because there is a very real connection between how you treat your servers and the quality of your dining experience, from everything to how fast the service is to how stiff your drinks are made).

Amy just directed my attention to a post over at recoveringstraightgirl.com that offers a really helpful summary of some very basic aspects of customer etiquette (particularly the intricacies of a topic near and dear to my heart: tipping).

It’s a great post and worth reading, but here are a few highlights:

If you have a coupon, a discount card or a gift certificate; you are should tip on the amount before the discount, not after. This is a concept that is often lost on people, with good reason, and it’s an easy mistake to make.

Large checks do not mean you can tip less. Percentage is percentage and even though it may seem like a large amount of money that you are giving your server, ($60.00 on a $300.00 bill,) it’s still all about percentages.

Don’t be a stereotype. Women are often bad tippers. As well as the “older generation,” and certain ethnic groups, like Romanians, Asians, and Europeans, (and obviously, Tasmanians…) This is of course NOT to say that ALL of these people are bad tippers, but certainly twenty years in the service industry has proven this to me and I’m sure a lot of other people. Yes, certainly there are sometimes good reasons for this, (like the cultural differences,) but it doesn’t make it okay.

The best tippers are: Other service personnel, (especially exotic dancers,) gay men, and business men. I always get good tips from lesbians if I’m wearing some kind of something that identifies me as one, otherwise not.

Servers are also required to claim all of their tips as income and are taxed accordingly. In general, the IRS assumes that a server receives a minimum of a 10% of their sales, and applies tax accordingly; claiming a minimum of 10% of sales, regardless of the actual tips received is typical,

The “tip out” to other employees in the restaurant is taken into consideration and is usually based on sales, not the actual tips that you received. This means that I have to tip out a percentage based on my sales, regardless if I actually made that amount of money off of the sales, which sometimes means, losing money. That percentage varies from restaurant to restaurant.

Clad in purple overcoats and assless pants, Matt and Magenta purify themselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka and pay homage to HIS ROYAL BADNESS with a mere smattering of his prodigious output. If you haven’t figured it out yet, this week’s episode of PURE POD FOR NOW PEOPLE is the much anticipated Prince episode. Click here to listen.

It will definitely be a learning experience.
DLS III

Today is my first day as the Mercury’s new intern and find myself wondering if I have the knowledge it takes to work here.
For instance, I’ve never killed a sheep, I know nothing about Britney, Lindsay, or Paris, and I have no experience posting youtube clips. This will defiantly be a learning experience.
Daniel Louis Savickas III

There ain’t no gossip like looney bin gossip, and there’s been a tub of it leaking out after Britney Spears decided to check herself into rehab. According to idon’tlikeyouthatway.com, Britney was searched before checking into the Promises rehab facility (she was suspected of smuggling in cocaine), and what did the orderlies find? The crown jewel of all gossip, BRITNEY SPEARS’ “DEATH LIST”.
Unfortunately, just like other aspects of Britney’s life, the list wasn’t very interesting. Mostly just paparazzi, and of course, KEVIN FEDERLINE. However! This is super juicy…

Britney Spears has also reportedly become “increasingly paranoid” and routinely checks her room for recording devices because she feels “that her thoughts are being recorded.”

I’m pretty sure the only reason anyone would want to record Britney’s thoughts is if they wanted to make a Red Bull commercial.
The report also mentions that former Spears hubby JASON “NOT THE FAT GUY FROM SEINFELD” ALEXANDER has spilled the beans on the pairs former drug use, claiming that the two used cocaine, Valium and Vicodin—and that Britney almost overdosed on “pure ecstasy.” Said Alexander…

I took her into the bathroom and threw her in the shower. She looked so white and lifeless. I thought she was dead. I thought, ‘This bitch is going to fucking die right here in front of me.’”

WOW! I can’t imagine why this perfect pair couldn’t make it work. OH! That’s right… he’s an effing TOOL. That’s it, Alexander… now you’re on MY “death list.” (Right alongside the Pussycat Dolls and that guy who stands outside my office with a leaf blower.)

The Pen Faulkner Award—one of the most prestigious literary awards in the country (the only one besides the National Book Award that will motivate me to purchase a book, no questions asked)—was awarded to Philip Roth’s Everyman today (coughbullshitcough), making it an unprecedented third Pen Faulkner for Roth. (1994 for Operation Shylock, 2001 for the amazing Human Stain.

But what’s more exciting (what couldn’t be more exciting, really?) is that local badass writer Charles D’Ambrosio was a finalist for the prize—or more accurately, his collection of stories The Dead Fish Museum was. The other finalists were The Collected Stories of Amy Hempel (considered by many [lit geeks] to be the best short fiction writer alive), All Aunt Hagar’s Children by Edward P. Jones (the P stands for Perfect Prose) and Twilight of the Superheroes Deborah Eisenberg (about whom I know nothing). Charlie gets a cool $5 grand for being a finalist, but more importantly (to me, since I’m not seeing the cash), he gets to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with two of our best contemporary authors as runners up for this prestigious award. Or maybe I should say they get to stand should-to-shoulder with Charlie. Either way, congrats Mr. D’Ambrosio!

My editor here has only one rule for Blog Town, PDX—no poetry! By which he hopfully means “no bad poetry,” which is completely inapplicable here, as Mark Strand, one of the country’s best living poets, is in town tonight as part of Literary Arts’ Poetry Downtown series. Not only is Strand the recipient of a MacArthur “Genius” Grant, but his honors include “the Bollingen Prize, three grants from the National Endowment for the Arts, a National Institute of Arts and Letters Award, the 1974 Edgar Allen Poe Prize from The Academy of American Poets, and a Rockefeller Foundation award, as well as fellowships from The Academy of American Poets, and the Ingram Merrill Foundation.”

Not only is Strand an amazing poet, but he speaks about the art of poetry with devestating eloquence. So as not to completely jeopardize my Blog Town privileges, I’m not going to post any actual verse here, but it’s easy enough to google.

Thank you for tuning into this week’s Poetry Corner with Mark Strand. I’m Chas Bowie, and now—back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Strand will appear at the First Congregational Church, 1126 SW Park, tonight at 7:30 pm, $14-18, info here.

Rep. Chip Shields (D-Portland) just called, to announce some good news out of Salem: He got Rep. Brian Boquist (a Republican representing Dallas, OR) to support the House Joint Memorial 9—which “urges the President of the United States not to increase the number of troops in Iraq” and also asks Congress to come up with a timeline and exit strategy.

It’s a big deal that Boquist is supporting this measure: The guy’s got a ton of military experience. From his House bio—

At 17 he enlisted in the US Army, and now at 46 is a Reserve Special Forces Lieutenant Colonel. Only a year ago, Representative Boquist served as the Deputy Commander and Chief of Staff of the Combined Joint Special Operations Task Force in Iraq for seven months. At the close of his tour, Brian Boquist received the Bronze Star Medal and was recommended for immediate promotion to full Colonel by his commanders.

Shields and Boquist hammered out a “modest” amendment to the Memorial, Shields says, and Boquist testified in support of it at a hearing this morning (we’ll try to post the audio when it goes up). The Elections, Ethics and Rules committee is slated to vote on it next week, and Shields expects that it will head to the House floor, and also pass there.

“With a Republican supporting it, it’ll pass,” and by a healthy margin, Shields says.

(UPDATE: In the comments, torridjoe of Loaded Orygun links to their continued coverage of HJM 9—check ‘em out for more background info!)

Hey, you! Yes, you! The deskless one…now is your chance to own a piece of Mercury history:DESK: Bulging with history.

Former Mercury music editor Adam Gnade’s desk is yours for the taking. It comes complete with a set of sturdy drawers, some stickers, a fine, polished top, and of course, lashings of fine karmic heritage. 605 NE 21st. First come, first served!

If you’re still talking about last night’s DIVA-OFF at the Oscars between Jennifer Hudson and the broke-ass tired Beyonce, then please stop talking about it. BECAUSE IT WASN’T EXCITING. And the reason I know it wasn’t exciting is because whenever someone says, “Hey, this is exciting,” I say, “OH, YEAH? Well, is it as exciting as this badminton match?” And then they watch this badminton match, and they usually say, “Mmm… yeah. It’s not as exciting as this badminton match.”
So… congratulations on your Oscar win, Jennifer Hudson! That’s kind of cool and all, BUT YOU’RE NOT AS EXCITING AS THIS BADMINTON MATCH.

Good news on the alkie front! Looks like Satyricon is picking up their brand-new liquor license tomorrow. They’re expecting to open the bar by this Thursday.

This could be you.

Because I habitually write about fashion, I feel a tugging obligation to comment on the Oscar gowns that sweep the red carpet every year. It’s more tradition than fashion, mind you. These stars take up valuable room at the big fashion shows because they are of the rare breed that has both reason and means to wear some of the most exotic and painstakingly created garments in the world. But don’t be fooled, almost none of them have any style, and they have people in their employ to pick stuff out for them. Remember all the drama nerds from school? Yeah. That’s them. So, what I will say about fashion at this year’s Oscars is that the following people looked noticeably bad: Anne Hathaway (how you could screw that one up I don’t know), Jack Nicholson, and AL GORE (he has the neck of a TOAD!). The following people looked noticeably awesome: Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls still blows), Helen Mirren, and um, Marky Mark. The following person I barely recognized because she was not bejeweled with tacky sequins looking like she was about to bust some serious moves at couples’ skate: Beyonce. Also, I think this is emerging as this year’s Dress of Debate (last year’s was that darling Michelle Williams’):

The only thing about it I strongly dislike is the boob action. They would look better if the bodice wasn’t so swathed and constricted looking. I do like the color. Thoughts?

It’s not that I just don’t fucking care about the Oscars so much as it is that I always find myself caring too much, feeling jilted and betrayed and angered. I see a ridiculous amount of movies every year, and I get really attached to more than a few of them, and I really loathe others, and it pains me—actual, physical pain, like an icepick’s somehow been embedded in my brain, just behind the eye balls—when films that I love fail to get recognized, usually w/ really crappy ones getting recognized instead. The Oscars are Hollywood’s biggest and best advertising tactic—“Look how good we are! Look at all the movies you need to see! Or better yet, buy on DVD!”—and while I used to buy into all the glitz and pomp wholeheartedly, I kind of stopped being able to watch the ceremony a few years ago. It made me too angry. Plus, the whole icepick thing.

Anyway, the good news, as already reported by Amy: Scorsese finally won, and The Departed took home Best Picture and Best Adapted Screenplay. All three of these awards would have been awesome if The Departed wasn’t one of Scorsese’s crummier movies. Don’t get me wrong, I liked it, but Christ, telling me that a competent remake of a Hong Kong genre thriller is the best movie of the year—or even the one Scorsese movie that Scorsese deserves an Oscar for—is pretty fucking ridiculous.

Other (sort of) good things: Forest Whitaker getting Best Actor (granted, I'm mostly a fan of this one because it means the Fresh Prince didn't get it), The Lives of Others getting Best Foreign Language Film, and Pan's Labyrinth getting Best Makeup. Pan's Labyrinth kind of cleaned up, actually, which is great for Guillermo del Toro and crappy for his pal Alfonso Cuarón, who made the real best picture of the year, Children of Men.

So I kind of go rabid every time Children of Men is brought up, because it's really goddamn good, and should have won all these awards it was nominated for: Best Adapted Screenplay (which The Departed won), Best Cinematography (which Pan's Labyrinth won), and Best Editing (Departed, again). It also should have gotten Best Picture, but it wasn't even nominated, presumably to make room for the decent but utterly safe and unspectacular indie darling Little Miss Sunshine. One of the other best films of the year, Michel Gondry's The Science of Sleep, got similarly ignored.

Various other unsurpsising things happened: Host Ellen DeGeneres was predictably chipper and cloying, Helen Mirren won for playing The Queen, Al Gore's An Inconvenient Truth won Best Doc, and in the Academy's most transparent attempt to prove that they're still relevant to Red State America, American Idol reject Jennifer Hudson won Best Supporting Actress for Dreamgirls. (Apparently everyone was shocked that Eddie Murphy didn't win for Dreamgirls too--w/ Sunshine's Alan Arkin taking home the Best Supporting Actor statuette instead--which is something that should be shocking to no one who has seen any Eddie Murphy picture since 1988.)

All of this gives me plenty of excuses to bitch and moan because the Oscars don't comply to my exact personal and self-important tastes, which I realize is pretty goddamn stupid. But anyway, my bitching and moaning about the Oscars' irrelevance and arbitrariness and frustratingness aside: What'd you guys think?

What did you do this weekend?

Martin Scorsese finally won a directorial Oscar (and his movie, The Departed, picked up Best Picture, too). Meanwhile, Al Gore does not use his time on stage for An Inconvenient Truth’s win to announce a run for president, and Ellen DeGeneres played tambourine.

A Florida teenager escaped from his kidnapper, with a safety pin.

Anna Nicole’s mom appealed the judge’s ruling about her daughter’s burial.

Hillsboro Goodwill employees accidentally pepper sprayed the whole store.

Jorge, a 6-year-old jaguar at the Denver Zoo, ate a zookeeper for lunch—his last meal, as other zookeepers then shot him.

Senate Democrats pledged to get tough about the war, and might “repeal the 2002 resolution granting authority for the war and limit American troops to counterterrorism efforts.” (Right. The Democrats will totally get that done.)

Ghost Rider, a “fucking terrible” movie, kept the top spot at the box office.

A man stole $500 from Girl Scouts selling cookies at the Hawthorne Fred Meyer. (Gotta be prepared for that, girls.)

That is all. Your week may now begin.

We’re all agreed that Blogtown is the Best Blog Ever™, right? Right. But that said: Goddamn! Those damn Mercury kids never shut up! What with all their posting of this and all their posting of that! SO MUCH TALKING! THEY TALK SO MUCH!

Luckily, here’s this week’s Best O’ The Blog:

The week’s biggest story was how utterly, completely terrifying Britney Spears has become. It’s as if Ann Romano had a beautiful, beautiful dream… AND IT ALL CAME TRUE!

Christine S. Blystone was kind enough to introduce us to Bas Rutten Street Defense. Utilizing these easy-to-learn techniques, I successfully started no less than eight drunken bar brawls last week! I lost every single one.

Wm. Steven Humphrey bid a fond farewell to The O.C. I got halfway through his post, then went here. Oh, how I will miss you, O.C.! (And by “O.C.,” I mean “Rachel Bilson.”)

Sulu: No longer has crush on Spock; now fancies “homophobic jackass/NBA player Tim Hardaway.”

Everybody got confused about Mardi Gras and groping. In fact, I think everybody’s still confused about Mardi Gras and groping. Don’t look to me for answers. All I know is Matt Davis keeps begging me to throw beads at him, and I’m not going to.

BLOW FIGHT! A debate raged about whether or not Portland’s current Favorite Band of the Hour, The Blow, should shut up already.

Amanda Fritz tried to talk Matlock-lovin’, prune-gummin’, City Club-joinin’ geriatrics into reading the Mercury. She loves us! Oh… wait. She only loves our news writers, and their supposedly impressive vocabularies. (Oh, no, Amanda, it’s cool. No need to read my film section. Lord knows that my tremulous grasp upon my feeble vocabulary counts for naught when compared to the astonishing lexicon of the Mercury’s hirsute news correspondent, Scott “Thesaurus” Moore. [And perish the thought of citing my tepid avowals and pitiable axioms! O! The ignominy!])

Breaking news! Marjorie Skinner wears her boyfriend’s sweaters; looks like “pathetic cartoon character” Cathy. Ack!