Or, in case you don’t speak Australian, this is “Good Morning, News!!” Your daily round-up of all that matters on planet Earth…with exclamation marks.

1. CLOONEYES! George Clooney admits to Julia Roberts he’s “had his eyes done,” but does that make him superficial, or deep, for braving to admit it? Meanwhile Robert Redford keeps schtum on the matter, despite looking like a rabbit in headlights these days…CLOONEY: Eyes on the prize.

2. BILL-PAYER! Former President Bill Clinton has made almost $40m in public speaking fees since 2001. He told Blog Town: “No comment,” then asked for fifty bucks.

3. I-RAN…AWAY! British Prime Minister Tony Blair says it would be madness to bomb Iran, as his government continues to distance itself from the ailing Bush regime.

4. RATS! A KFC-Taco Bell in New York closes, pound-and-a-half rats run riot. Watch the video!

5. BRITNEYWATCH! Spears attacks the paparazzi with an umbrella. It never rains, but it pours.

6. HARRY POTTER’S PENIS! No, really, it looks like a “grower!” Not safe for work. In fact, not really safe for anywhere. Ooo.

And now, YOUR BAD-ASS PORTLAND NEWS…with more exclamation marks:

1. BAD LIEUTENANT! Portland Cop films schoolgirls, gets in trouble.

2. BAD BOSS! PDC boss responds to mutinous letter from PDC employees accusing him of “potentially illegal business practices” by “opening his door.” He did not, repeat, not, also say, “swim with the shark, anyone?”

3. BAD BUSINESS! Some of Portland’s most powerful business groups have come out in support of Tom Potter’s proposals to make himself more powerful—denying that a strong mayor would, coincidentally, “help us to rake in more cash.”

4. BAD PARKING! No more parking on NW 23rd, anyway. Council votes against yet another parking garage on the street, telling lazy Portlanders to “try walking, you fat fucks.”

5. BAD LANGUAGE! AMANDA FRITZ SAYS THE “F” WORD: Sky falls, lightning strikes in the same place twice, and pigs, also, fly.

Who’s bad? Michael Jackson and Blog Town. That’s who…