Like your gossip “SHOCKING”? Then get a load of these juicy tidbits!

• According to TMZ.com, ANNA NICOLE’S former nanny accuses the dead starlet of instructing her to “underfeed” Anna’s baby Dannielynn because Anna Nicole “wanted her baby to be sexy.” The nanny also purports that Anna tried to kill herself more than once, and engaged in sex romps with Bahamian Minister of Immigration, Shane Gibson, claiming the minister would, “spend hours alone with [Anna Nicole] in her bedroom” on a “daily basis.” Hey, I’ve seen those immigration forms, and they take a long time to fill out! In the bedroom. Especially when you’ve got a penis inside your vagina.

• Paul McCartney’s ex-wife HEATHER MILLS is apparently not satisfied with the $49 million she’ll be receiving from the divorce settlement—because what she really wants to do is DANCE! While the official announcement won’t be made until next week, Access Hollywood is reporting that Heather will be a contestant on this season’s DANCING WITH THE STARS. Why is this shocking? Have you forgotten that she only has ONE LEG? (But don’t worry… her partner has three.)

• And perhaps the most SHOCKING gossip of all, PAULA ABDUL is NOT drunk… … … … … at this moment. The AP reports that Abdul’s spacey behavior has nothing to do with alcohol or drugs — at least that’s what Paula says. “I’ve never been drunk. I have never done recreational drugs,” she says. “Just look at my 20-year career. Tell me someone who is into partying or doing drugs that could have done that.”
Mmmm… nobody? Including yourself? C’MON PAULA! WE’VE ALL SEEN THE VIDEOS. YOU WERE SHITFACED ON SOMETHING, NOW CONFESS! Blame it on a brain tumor, for Christ’s sake!

“She’s a cold-hearted snake/ look into her eyes/ OH-OH!/ She’s been tellin’ lies.”