As you may have noticed, ridding Portland from the scourge of hippies has been the Mercury’s main reason for existence. And while we have been partially successful, we still have a LOT of work to do, and the fight truly never ends. However, there are those who question our mission, asking, “What’s your problem with hippies?” Well, I think there are numerous reasons to hate hippies, but the main one is obviously their MOP-TOP HAIRSTYLES. That sort of girly, over-the-ears hairdo may be all the rage in your “flower power” communes, but it certainly doesn’t cut military muster, and makes Portland look like a goddam androgynous pig farm.
EVEN WORSE? It sets a horrible example for the female members of our population, who are being coerced into adopting this disgustingly hairy hairstyle for themself. DON’T BELIEVE ME?
LISTEN TO THIS SONG from Donna Lynn entitled “MY BOYFRIEND GOT A BEATLE HAIRCUT.” It may be from 1964, but its lyrics send shivers up my spine, and is a harbinger of a hippie-filled future we must avoid at all cost.

Eff YOU, Hippie! (Oh, and thanks to The Record Robot.)

The sheer volume of fan mail I get on a daily basis makes it difficult for me to read any individual letters. I’ve got a team of interns who rubberstamp form response letters, since I haven’t got time for the adulation.

But every once in a while, one comes to my attention that I can’t ignore—no matter how much I try. This is one of those:

I have grand plans for this weekend, but since the weather is still poopy, looks like another couple days of staring out the rain-streaked window and sighing REALLY LOUD.

Thankfully, I now have a soundtrack to my Weekend of Endless Sorrow™. The One Am Radio’s Hrishikesh Hirway expands the concept of bedroom-tronica (I totally just made that up. The only rule this critic follows is NO RULES, man!) to include tasteful digitial beeps and a sweet whisper of a voice. There will be more on Hirway in next week’s issue, but for now, prepare to get sad:

Coming Back

“The cops all know you’ve been sleeping in your car, but you’re so polite when you step outside, they’ve let it slide so far. You tried once again to find the house that you once knew, but streets seem rearranged. The names have changed and it’s not coming back to you.”

It appears some people still enjoy picking Blog fights with the Mercury. Bill McEwan is a columnist for the Fresno Bee, and took issue yesterday with a column Scott Moore wrote in January, in which he described Fresno as “a royal craphole.” McEwan hits back at Scott, saying:”Some people won’t let the facts spoil a perfectly fine rant.”MCEWAN: Appears to be green.

There’s more on McEwan in his bio:

I like rock ‘n’ roll, big trout in small streams, novels by James Lee Burke and politicians who think beyond the next sound bite. Fresno has been my home for more than 40 years, and I want it to keep its small-town charms even as it becomes a major city.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Sorry, Bill. But Fresno’s still a craphole! Why not tell him so, Blog Town readers? On his blog, here…

The Oregonian has reported that students at Portland’s Marshall High School have come down with a crazy ass form of the flu.
The health department has been brought in to investigate and the school is being bathed in cleaning products aimed to kill the contagious norovirus.

Symptoms include nausea and vomiting. The Mercury obtained this exclusive footage from inside the high school.

The NW Examiner neighborhood paper is reporting that Music Millennium on NW 23rd might not make it through the year. According to the story, in their latest issue (it’s not online), owner Terry Currier had to take out a second mortgage on the East Burnside store to meet operating expenses, while also losing $4 to $6K a month at the NW 23rd store. The NW 23rd store’s $13K a month lease expired in February, and Currier hasn’t signed a new one.

“I can’t guarantee that it will be open beyond the end of the year,” Currier told the NW Examiner.

Happy anniversary (tomorrow) to BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, which made its debut on March 10th, 1997 and ran for seven mostly glorious seasons. Obviously, Buffy changed the way people created television shows (and if you need examples, check out this excellent article), but I’ve always been a huge fan of the way Buffy mixed horror and comedy. Here’s one of my favorite scenes which was actually deleted the first time it aired. Buffy and the Scoobies are coerced into performing in the school talent show, and have to battle a murderous ventriloquist dummy—but their actual act isn’t seen until the closing credits. Talk about the mix of horror and comedy! Buffy, thanks for being born.

A while ago I got an invite to Art Lives Within, the grand opening of the new Hotel Monaco in the former Fifth Avenue Suites. The invitation mentioned “haute cuisine,” performances, libations, etc. Media peeps get these sort of things from time to time, and they’re usually a good way to check out such-and-such and score some free booze and cheese in the meantime. I’d heard of the hotel before, when I did a brief write-up on the doggy event they had to audition dogs from the Oregon Humane Society, looking for a hotel dog to live there, being that they are a pet friendly hotel. I like dogs even more than booze and cheese, so I immediately RSVP’d yes… and oh holy hell…

Needless to say I had no idea what I was getting into. Firstly, i was astonished at the size of the meat plate they had set up in the lobby for munching. WOW. Then there were speeches, including by the mayor and Sam Adams, and an appearance by THE dog (they named him Art—get it?)… okay… and after the speeches it was announced that we should all go and enjoy the party. (Speeches in brief: the hotel wants us to like them. They know Portland loves dogs. Yay dogs. The hotel supports local art. Yay local art.) So, back to the meat plate, right?

No.

What followed were upwards of three hours and four hotel floors of free food (seafood buffet, southern buffet, etc), free booze (Medoyeff martinis, wine, champagne, microbrews, Sake One cocktails, chocolate martinis, etc.) I think everyone in my posse had at least one of everything as we wandered through the hallways filled with contortion artists, people painted to look like mermaids and animals and such, dueling pianos and singalongs, go-go shadow dancers grinding behind screens, a peek at the grand suite… it was, in a word, a surprise.

And with all the media people who appeared to make up the bulk of the invitees, it’s clear this brouhaha was meant to generate press (duh), and it’s working. (Note to grand opening planners: The bar has truly been raised. Every grand opening should be like this. Serious.) I didn’t expect to find much that would be of interest to the Mercury’s demographic, until I asked the nice lady pouring wine in the grand suite how much a night in that room would cost. She said, “around $200-300, depending on the season.” Um, that’s incredibly cheap, especially for a suite with a deep jacuzzi, huge tvs, two bathrooms… I almost dropped my glass of red on the patterned carpet right there. (Luckily patterns help to hide stains… oh, wait.) And it’s nice! In fact I suggested to my boyfriend that we should pack up the cats and spend a night there just for fun.

The moral of the story is that Portlanders should know that there is a very reasonably priced, pet friendly hotel right downtown. Useful information even for travelers without pets. Tell your visitors. Also: yay dogs.

Amanda Fritz penned a brilliant letter to the mayor today, and posted it on her blog. The back story: Mayor Tom Potter is slated to speak at the Southwest Hills Residential League neighborhood association meeting on March 22, about charter reform. Fritz called up that neighborhood group and asked if a member of her group—the anti-charter reform group Committee for Accountable Government—could also speak that night, as a counter point to the mayor’s pro-reform agenda. The neighborhood group put the kibosh on that idea. “That request was denied,” Fritz writes. “In contrast, former Auditor Jewel Lansing requested time on the agenda of several Neighborhood Associations to present our Committee’s viewpoint, and has yet to receive a positive response. Neighborhood Association chairs are evidently unclear about the rules and desired public process for citizens’ education and discussion of the proposed Charter changes.”

So Fritz wrote to the mayor, both asking him to—as the commissioner in charge of the Office of Neighborhood Involvement—remind the ‘hoods that they have to be politically fair (thanks to their 501(c)3 status), and requesting that he be a gentleman and give the opposition a heads up himself, so both sides can represent whenever he’s out stumping for charter reform.

You are a man of honor with commitment to good public process. When you are invited to speak at neighborhood meetings where everyone knows you are the Mayor of Portland and Commissioner-in-charge of ONI, please ask those scheduling the agenda to also invite a speaker opposing the Charter changes. I hope you agree that only by having both views presented will audiences be given a fair opportunity for informed debate and discussion, instead of one side being given special access.

Former Mayor Bud Clark and many other eminent citizens are volunteering to attend neighborhood meetings. Your scheduler may call [or] e-mail [me], and I will gladly arrange speakers to attend all your engagements with Neighborhood Associations and districts.

If the Mayor doesn’t meet Amanda’s challenge, you’ll still have a chance to hear both sides of the charter reform conversation—argument, debate—at the Mercury’s forum, slated for April 4 at Acme in SE Portland. We promise it will be fun, and we promise there will be beer.

The rumors are no more! Feast your eyes on what will soon be popping up at local United States Post Offices! As reported here earlier, the USPS will be helping Star Wars celebrate its 30th anniversary. Stay tuned for more as we get it, right here at TheForce.net.

(Wait, there were rumors? And the USPS is really in that dire of straits? And how sad is it that I’ll probably start making up excuses to mail things ye olde fashioned way once these start popping up in Portland?)

A cop trained in crisis intervention (CIT) has ignited controversy with an Oregonian editorial saying the training would not have saved James Chasse. Stuart Palmiter, a Northeast precinct officer who has saved six suicidal people from trying to jump off Portland Bridges, wrote on Tuesday:

I have read one too many articles and letters written about the unfortunate death of James Chasse, while he was in the custody of Portland police, by people who don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.

He continues:

CIT training cannot help with a person who runs away from me or chooses to fight once I catch up with him. When someone is combative, it’s my job to control him with the least risk, to him and to myself. It’s not a contest. It’s not a game. It’s a fight, and the community must understand that there can be only one winner — the police officer.

Lastly:

Consider a few statistics: From 2000 through the first six months of 2006, Portland police made 242,921 arrests. We also placed an additional 11,903 people on mental health holds. During that time, we had two in-custody deaths.

These deaths, Palmiter describes as “tragedies.” But Andrew Szatkowski, of the “Justice for James Chasse” committee, has responded by sending a stinging letter to the Oregonian’s editor. Here’s a quote:

Stuart Palmiter provides many statistics, none with any bearing on the Chasse case. Consider: one man committing zero crimes was beaten by two officers and one deputy breaking 16 ribs in 26 places. Appropriate medical care was denied for almost two hours. That’s why James died.

Szatkowski is urging others to comment on the officer’s editorial by writing a letter to the O. You can mail yours here.

In the comments of a blog post I made yesterday, readers and Mercury writers are piling on with their lists of all time favorite books and recent enthusiams. This post, plus the gray sky outside, makes me want to do nothing more than lie on the sofa and read all day. Be sure to chime in with your favorites.

In the wake of the Mercury’s news lead this week, I chatted with Commissioners Randy Leonard and Erik Sten—city council’s two most vocal critics of the Drug-Free Zones—about what the arrest vs. exclusion numbers could mean for the future of the policy, which will be up for council renewal shortly.

“I have serious concerns to begin with on the civil liberties impacted by the zones,” Leonard said. “I have no tolerance for drug use, but I’m not convinced that the exclusions are consistent with due process protections. When we do anything that tries to get around the Constitution, there’s probably something inherently wrong with it.

“If those [exclusion] numbers pan out, I’d probably not support the renewal. In a way, I kind of hope these numbers are accurate, because it would eliminate my angst over the zones. It would make my vote a lot easier.”

Even though there was a long delay in establishing the oversight committee for the DFZs, which was promised last year, Sten gives Potter credit for pushing the police bureau to finally release the exclusion numbers, which were kept under wraps for years.

“To the mayor’s credit, he’s the reason these numbers exist,” Sten says. “For years, they’ve been saying that these zones don’t disproportionately target minorities and limit drug trafficking,” but they’ve been able to make those claims because they never showed any numbers to prove otherwise.

“I’ve been a solid one-person vote against the northeast zone, because I had fears that it would disproportionately affect minorities,” Sten added. “I see downtown differently, since the people who are caught there don’t typically live there, and it’s not like excluding someone from a neighborhood park. At times, I’ve given Potter the benefit of the doubt, and last year he came to agree with a lot of where I was at, but at this point, I don’t think I’d support renewing the northeast zone.”

Hüsker Dü paved the way for everybody playing punk and post-punk music today. The dynamic everymen from Minneapolis started slugging away at hardcore way back in ‘79 and were Sire Record’s (WB) pop darlings by 1986. Here they are playing drummer Grant Hart’s Don’t Want to Know if You are Lonely:


Hüsker Dü: Years ahead of their time. For more, check out this week’s installment of 3-Minute Limit

Foster: not just for felons. With two new places opening this month, SE Foster is starting to get some attention (and this time it’s the good kind). Carlo’s, a new coffee shop and breakfast joint from the people who brought you Acme and the Moon & Sixpence opened last week. The breakfast fare is good and there are no lines. They serve Stumptown, and you’ll finally get a chance to check out that cool Russian restaurant building that’s always piqued your interest when you drove by.
Carlo’s
6433 SE Foster

Next Thursday, there’ll be a brand-new bar in the hood with the Slingshot Lounge. It’s in the old Foster Grounds building. Apparently walls have been knocked down to make the space into a huge fun zone. There’ll be pinball and a booths a’plenty. Totally worth checking out next week.
Slingshot Lounge
SE 55th & Foster

This Menomena video warms my heart with how cute/cheap/perfect it is. More bands need to pay attention to this Lance Bangs directed clip, it’s totally simple and proudly stands out from all those other generic videos.

The highlight of your day: The “Wet And Rusting” video.

Earlier this morning, Matt talked about bloggers getting paid $15 per post if they promote certain products on their sites. WELL, HELL YEAH, I WANT IN ON THAT ACTION! That’s why I’m happy to promote my newest, most favorite product in the world, BUKKAKE MILK. (Yes, I know “bukkake” is a NSFW word… but this hilariously weird commercial is totally safe. After all, it’s just about milk, right? And what’s wrong with milk? NOTHING, THAT’S WHAT. Now give me my 15 bucks, jerkhole.)

Thanks Super Deluxe!

It’s been 10 years to the day, and they haven’t arrested one mofo in the Biggie Smalls murder. In the big man’s honor, here are two choice B.I.G. clips: one of him freestyling at age 17 (and killing it), and the unfuckwithable “Big Poppa”. Hearing Biggie in his prime is like watching those old Sports Illustrated video tributes to Michael Jordan—sheer gravity-defying virtuosity.

There’s a great story in this morning’s LA Times, via Romenesko, about the growing trend of blogging for dollars.

Companies like PayPerPost Inc, according to the article, are paying bloggers roughly $12-$15 a post, to build buzz around upcoming product launches. Here’s a quote:

“PayPerPost versus authentic blogging is like comparing prostitution with making love to someone you care for deeply. No one with any level of ethics would get involved with these clowns.”

It’s true. But has anybody in Portland been offered money to do this? Also, have you seen McDonalds exciting new range of salads lately? I couldn’t believe how much they’d changed their image when I happened to go in last week. You know, I think all of us should just give McDonalds another try. They’re serving really good coffee now, too. I’m loving it!

Oh! Hello, news. Good morning. Yeah, I slept fine. You? Great. Now, if you could just be a gentleman and show yourself out—see, I’ve got a…uhhhh…meeting. First thing. No, no. I’ll just grab some breakfast on the way to the office. I promise I’ll call you. No, really.

Everybody’s catching global warming fever! The European Union, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sports Illustrated, and even—wha whaaa whaaaaaa?—George W. Bush.

It’s not all good news for Bush in South America, though. Looks as if Brazilians like him just about as much as we do.

If ever I’m the victim of a hold up, please let it be by a pair of strippers. As long as they have a better nickname than “The Barbie Bandits.” Maybe something like “The Hooter Heisters” or “The Lapdance Lifters” or “The Mamburglers.”

Remember our good friends in China, the ones who Defense Secretary Robert Gates says aren’t a threat? Maybe not to us, but if you’re a Tibetan Buddhist, you will continue to be fucked. And it’s going to get worse.

Surprise! Bush will probably veto any Democrat plan to finally end our occupation of Iraq.

How do you spell “fucking hypocrite”? N-E-W-T.

Ann Coulter continues to catch shrapnel from her “f-bomb,” with at least three newspapers dropping her column. Thank god for the free market.

Yesterday, Sam Adams gave the Oregonian the scoop on his decision to oppose the form of government ballot change. Today, he’s got an editorial in the same paper, laying out his position more explicitly. Just a couple of weeks ago, he expressed that it might be a conflict of interest to take a position on the ballot measures.

And in Fresno, CA news, I catch some misguided shit from Fresno Bee columnist Bill McEwen for a Hall Monitor column I wrote in January. Bill, if you like Fresno so much, by all means, stay there.

Anybody got a spare warehouse? I want to turn it into a safe-space for graffiti artists, then lobby in Salem for felony cases to be built against Portland’s illegal taggers.GRAFFITI: Art is good. Vandalism is bad.

Randy Leonard responded to yesterday’s blog about graffiti with this to say:

Any ideas to create a space or venue that would encourage this kind of expression would be welcome by me. However, the current tagging wave that has descended upon Portlanders homes and businesses has gotten out of control.

So: two birds with one stone. Even Leonard agrees that graffiti art is great, but vandalism is bad, so why doesn’t the city sponsor a safe space warehouse, encourage artists to run free in there, and get the law changed in Salem so that anybody graffiti’ing illegally is threatened with a felony conviction and some time in prison?

At the moment, District Attorneys are only allowed to get taggers for tags done “in the same course of conduct.” So, it’s tag by tag. But a change in the law to aggregate tags done over several months would mean that once somebody had tagged, say, 30 buildings in six months, they could be liable for a felony conviction.

It costs millions of dollars a year to clean up illegal graffiti in Portland—but a safe space, alongside felony convictions rather than a rap on the knuckles for illegal taggers, might save money all round. And don’t give me the “taggers do it for the thrill” story. They’re just people, like anyone else. They do it because they’re bored, and there’s no fear of jail time.

All I’m suggesting is, let’s fix the problem creatively…before we start banning paint. Thanks for commenting, Randy. Would you tell Sam Adams I bet him $5 he won’t follow suit and comment on this idea? What’s he got to lose…?!

Most of the people I’m friends with read books. We’re all between 21 and 35 years old, we all go to rock shows, some of us are into art, some are into drugs, we all do our fair share of “hanging out,” and with only a few exceptions, we read books. But book publishers—as much as the music industry—are freaking the frack out right now, unsure of their future, wondering what ebooks are all about, and trying to figure out how to make Oprah shill their books to middle aged housewives (who constitute an enormous percentage of America’s book-reading population, Oprah or no). Just as chick-lit and its infinite variations (Asian American chick lit; vampire chick lit; vegan college dropout chick lit) have flooded the bookstores in recent years, here comes a wave of hipster lit. This wave, which laps at the shores of Powell’s tonight, is still too small to surf, but it grosses me out all the same.

John Sheppard will read from Small Town Punk and Evan Mandery will read from Dreaming of Gwen Stefani tonight at Powell’s (1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm). STP is about, a, uh, kid who grows up in a small town and falls in love with punk rock, and here’s what Marjorie Skinner has to say abot the Gwen Stefani book:

About a smart guy with very poorly directed ambition who went from studying at Columbia to using his near-savant mathematical skills to become the universe’s most precise and efficient hot dog vendor. His life “changes” when he sees the Behind the Music of No Doubt and becomes obsessed with making Gwen Stefani the perfect hot dog, and shortly thereafter, his mate. “Dreaming” seems like it’s setting itself up to make a profound statement about celebrity obsession, and obsession itself, but doesn’t end up overtly theorizing anything. It’s just a short, weird story about an eclectic, pathetic person, and is palatable as such, but don’t expect any grand conclusion. Certainly as a reader you could draw your own, but (author) Evan Mandery isn’t going to help you out with much of the legwork.

So yeah, you can read books about Generation Why stereotypes and giggle with recognition when the authors write about “iPods” or namedrop “Dinosaur Jr.”—or you can put Green Mind on your own ipod and spend your time reading a book that tells you a little bit about the world outside of the tiny bubbles we all occupy. Your call, hipster.

I hated this song when I first heard it. The whole lopsided hip hop/rock/poetry thing is definitely not my steez, plus Saul William’s nasal voice was absolutely grating.

But, for the life of me, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It haunted me. That staccato-beat, how it turns on/off into a dance club banger and especially that wonderful “I gave hip hop to white boys when nobody was looking / found it locked in a basement when they gentrified Brooklyn” line.

Saul Williams - Grippo

Well? Your thoughts?

The Gossip have set sail for greener pastures, leaving longtime indie Kill Rock Stars for Music With a Twist, a subsidiary of Columbia. The label, not the country.

Music With a Twist has released the soundtrack to the L Word, and is “the first major music label dedicated to identifying and developing lesbian, gay, bi-sexual and trans gendered (LGBT) artists.” Because, you know, Kill Rock Stars was clearly a bunch of crazed homophobes.

Apparently the Portland, Oregon Visitors Association is trying to come up with a new campaign to lure visitors to town… there’s a poll—take it here, if you want (you could win a video iPod)—asking people to associate qualities with Portland. The options are really annoying.

For starters, it’s relying on the standard Portland rap—in the part asking people to name the attributes that best describe Portland, options like “Friendly,” “Hip/Creative/Indie,” “Outdoor Activities,” and “Quirky” are offered. Then, you’re supposed to compare and contrast Portland’s qualities with other cities’ offerings (“Which ONE of these other cities do you consider QUIRKY?), including Albuquerque, Denver, Phoenix, and Salt Lake City. Talk about yawners—I chose Vancouver and Seattle as much as possible, as I’d much rather we strive to be like those spots than Albuquerque… do these people plan on marketing Portland to my grandparents?

Finally, the poll offers three “themes” that ostensibly describe Portland. You’re asked to choose if they hit the mark or not. You be the judge (if you can decipher them):

• Unique combination of natural excitement and cosmopolitan sophistication – the best of both worlds.
• Non-traditional, highly original, stimulating and different experience – hip, creative and progressive.
• Fun and quirky personality by being good-natured, candid, evocative, unexpected, offbeat – breaking the rules.

But wait, there’s more! Here are some possible taglines:

• Urban style. Natural state. (This one is especially annoying, given that “Urban” was not a quality you could choose to describe Portland—though “natural beauty” and “clean” were. If we’re marketing Portland, should we be marketing the fact that it’s a city?)
• Where Nature and Culture Meet.
• Originality reigns.
• Nothing dry about it. (SERIOUSLY???)

I refused to leave my name. No iPod for me.

Shortly after it was announced that the Geico Cavemen are getting a sitcom, Burger King’s chief of marketing has proclaimed that the Burger King… uh… King is getting his own movie.

I find it extremely distressing that I’m not entirely opposed to these projects.

(This, however, I cannot and will not support. I never thought I’d say this, but O! Those halcyon Mallrats days….)

So this is weird. Mega-indie Sub Pop is setting up a college scholarship for one lucky high school senior from Washington or Oregon. They are “looking for an applicant who is involved and/or interested in music and/or the creative arts in some way,” so math majors who like Hinder, you need not apply.

For the winning kid, here’s a tip: Once you arrive at the Freshman dorms on Sub Pop’s dime, be sure to get online ASAP and start illegally downloading the new Shins record, just like any good college kid would.

Apparently, interest is pretty high for tonight’s screening of Eloquent Nude, brought to you by the folks at the Northwest Film Center. So they’ve added a second (simultaneous) screening; now you can catch it at either the Whistell Auditorium (1219 SW Park) or the Grand Ballroom in the Portland Art Museum’s Mark Building (um… 1119 SW Park). Both shows start at 7, and the “Grand Ballroom screening includes a post-film discussion with the filmmaker, Wilson’s biographer Wendy Madar, Portland Art Museum Curator of Photography Terry Toedemeier, and OPB’s Jessica Martin. Join us afterwards for a reception in the Museum’s Fields Ballroom with music by the gypsy jazz band Djangophiles.” (Holy crap! OPB’S JESSICA MARTIN!!!)

Here’s our film short:

Eloquent Nude: The Love and Legacy of Edward Weston and Charis Wilson This one’s only for the most hardcore photo history buffs, and even then, only for those with a soft spot for dry, OPB-style documentaries. Charis Wilson was the wife, model, and muse of Modernist photographer Edward Weston, who created some of the best nudes ever recorded on film. At the age of 90, Charis sat down to talk about her relationship with Weston, which is about exactly as interesting as you’d expect from an (albeit cool) 90 year old. Throw in some overly serious, whispery voiceover narration and public domain ragtime music, and you’ve got Eloquent Nude. CHAS BOWIE

The Oregonian’s Anna Griffin got the scoop from Commissioner Sam Adams that he’s opposing the “strong mayor” charter reform effort coming to the ballot in May.

Adams has played coy for weeks, questioning everyone’s interest in his opinion on the matter. Even after having it argued to him that he’s in a unique position of knowledge and expertise on the changes—given that he’s worked as a mayor’s chief of staff, a city commissioner, and, who knows, maybe a mayoral candidate—he still stayed mum.

Is it possible that the opposition campaigns slipped him some poll numbers that showed the thing sinking like the Titanic?

I don’t normally have a habit of tooting my own horn, but if you get a chance, check out the news piece that my colleague Matt Davis and I wrote this week, Black Exclusion Zones. (Apologies: The online version was incomplete due to a tech glitch. It’s fixed now.)

In it, we show some pretty startling numbers that suggest that African Americans are being disproportionately targeted by the zones, being handed exclusions from the zones at a much higher rate than whites, as compared to the number of drug arrests. The numbers stand out most notably in the downtown (or “central”) DFZ. There, 227 arrests of white people happened and 149 exclusions were given—there were 253 arrests of African Americans, but somehow 270 were given exclusions.

The police bureau says that the majority of the white people arrested but not excluded were charged with possession of less than an ounce of marijuana, which isn’t an excludable offense. But 15 African Americans were also arrested for the same charge, bringing their total excludable drug arrests to 238—so why were 270 excluded?

Just so there’s no mistake, we’re not accusing the police bureau or its officers of intentionally targeting African Americans; but they’ve been given a policy to enforce that is constitutionally questionable to begin with, is complicated and poorly explained, and has no oversight.

I’m willing to accept that there are explanations or reasons for this discrepancy—although when you have a situation where African Americans, who make up 6.6 percent of the city’s population, represent 50 percent of all drug arrests in exclusion zones, there is no “good” or even “acceptable” reason. Whatever the cause, those numbers reflect a massive breakdown that should cause every person in this city to shudder.

But that’s a tangent—the point of the story is that nobody is minding the DFZ store. The numbers cited above were dated November 22, 2006, and they’ve been in the mayor’s office for weeks. And yet it appears that nobody had been paying much attention until we started making some phone calls.

"You're talking about maybe the most unpopular demographic in the city--suspected crack users," public defender Chris O'Connor told me yesterday when I asked why there hadn't been more attention paid to the discrepancies. "Nobody is lining up at city hall to lobby for their interests."

And that may be why is was so easy for Mayor Tom Potter to forget about the promise he and the council made last spring. As part of the compromise to get the Drug- and Prostitution-Free Zones renewed, after long delays and years of controversy, council passed a resolution on March 15, 2006, to create an oversight committee that would examine how the policy was being used and enforced, and collect data over the next year before the zones had to be renewed this spring.

The duty to create the oversight committee was passed on to Potter, but it didn't happen until last month, mere weeks away from the one-year DFZ expiration.

Those numbers above show why the oversight committee was so desperately needed. When you have a policy that treads so closely to the edges of constitutional protections, somebody should be keeping a very close eye on it. As part of last year's compromise, every exclusion that police issue has to be examined by a hearings officer--something that rarely happened in the past. That's an important step forward, but it's no substitute for a broad, representational committee looking at the policy as a whole.

Also shocking: City council's willingness to twist itself into knots in order to keep the Drug-Free Zones on the books. It's especially curious when there's a fairly simple solution that doesn't come with a host of constitutional problems--using the probation and parole system to set up the same exclusions. Quite simply, a drug offender can be barred from an area--a neighborhood, a particularly problematic street corner, etc.--as part of their probation. The same ends are met, but there's judicial oversight and due process.

As soon as city council figures out when it's going to hold a public hearing on renewing the exclusion zones--it should be with a month--we'll let you know.

For those of you who are optimistic about your futures: It has come to my attention that the Maiden in the Mist (639 SE Morrison) has a fortune teller on Thursdays from 4-7 pm. According to a bartender there, she is creepily accurate.

Also, anybody know if La Villa (Brazilian/Lebanese up the street from Maiden in the Mist) is still open? I’ve heard they’re closing, and I can’t get through on the phone…

The family of a man shot in the back by a cop sniper in November 2005 is suing both the sniper and the City of Portland for undisclosed damages. A federal suit was filed at 1:30pm yesterday by civil rights attorney Tom Steenson—the same attorney suing over the death in custody last September of James Philip Chasse, Jr.

Raymond Gwerder, 30, was “drunk and despondent,” holding a handgun in the backyard of a house on NE 118th, when a police officer trained in crisis intervention managed to get through to his cellphone. As Gwerder was talking with the negotiator, he was shot dead by police sniper Leo Besner, named in the suit.

After the shooting, the police negotiator, Detective Rae Klein, called Gwerder’s name at least ten times, but got no response, according to the Oregonian. He was dead.

A grand jury trial in November 2005 found no criminal wrongdoing by police, but jurors told the Oregonian they were “highly frustrated” by the outcome, that they felt more could have been to save Gwerder’s life.

Now the suit, brought by Gwerder’s sister, Bobbie Jo Clark, who is understood to be too shaken by the incident to go public, alleges Besner and the City of Portland “violated plaintiff Raymond Gwerder’s fourth amendment rights by subjecting or causing him to be subjected to excessive force resulting in his wrongful death.”

“Despite what Besner knew or should have known, he decided on his own to shoot Gwerder in the back with his M16 rifle and kill him rather than allow Gwerder to re-enter the apartment and continue his phone contact with the Hostage Negotiation Team,” says the suit.

“Besner acted with a conscious disregard for Gwerder’s right to life,” it continues. “In addition, or in the alternative, Besner’s conduct was wanton, reckless, and in disregard of Gwerder’s well-established constitutional rights.”

The suit blames the City of Portland for not having recognized and intervened earlier in what it alleges is “Besner’s history of using extreme, excessive, unnecessary, and, at times, deadly, physical force against innocent citizens,” listing examples like: tasing a man who was “attempting to restrain a woman who had been threatening people with a knife” in 2002; pepper-spraying an anti-war protestor standing on a sidewalk with a sign in March 2003; and slamming a 15-year-old into the wall in April 2003 who, prior to that, had been “standing on the sidewalk, reading a newspaper”.

The suit also takes aim at the Police Bureau, alleging that since it has “never disciplined a Portland police officer who, while acting in the line of duty, has caused the death of an innocent citizen through the use of deadly force,” “that well-established refusal to discipline constitutes an official well-established practice of Portland and its police bureau to support, condone, and ratify the unlawful and unconstitutional use of deadly force or other force that results in death.”

Neither Steenson, the Police Bureau or the Mayor’s Office are commenting on the suit today.

Oh, AWESOME. This is going to be great. So, so great.

On a vast New Zealand sheep station, a reckless genetic engineering experiment goes horribly wrong, turning sheep into bloodthirsty killers.

Better quality here. Thanks to Sierra for the heads up.

You don’t do “sex” very good. BUT THAT’S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. I was really bad at it, too (I mean REALLY bad… like put-a-trash-can-by-the-bed-in-case-you-need-to-throw-up BAD). But do you know how I got better? By reading the Mercury’s 2007 SEX SURVEY RESULTS. Now I know things that will make my “sexing” so much better! For example?

1) 86% of people are turned on by tongue kissing as opposed to the 22% who are turned on by rimming. (Note to self: kiss lips first, THEN move to b-hole.)

2) Almost half of you own a vibrator. (Good to know! That way instead of buying my own, I’ll just borrow my mom’s.)

3) 32% of you claim that it takes you a half hour to reach orgasm. (I can be included in that group, too, if I can count the time it takes me to shower, brush my teeth, shave, change the sheets, disrobe, choose an appropriate colored condom and dial up something sexy to look at on the internet. Oh, and masturbate.)

WANT MORE FUN FACTS? CLICK HERE FOR THE MERCURY’S 2007 SEX SURVEY RESULTS!

“Now sex can finally feel GOOD again…”

It’s that time of year again: the time when all of us bookworms can appropriate some of our macho bretheren’s lingo and competitive spirit, and apply it to the world of narrative arcs and literary conceits. I’m talking about, of course, the Morning News’ Tournament of Books. Here’s how it works: 16 outstanding works of fiction from the past year are selected and put into tourney-style brackets. Then, every day, a guest judge (this year’s panel of judges includes Colin Meloy, author Sam Lipsyte, and New Yorker writer Sasha Frere Jones), selects one book from the day’s pairings to advance to the next round. Last year, husand and wife authors faced off in the tournament; judges hated their selected books so much that they based their decisions on coin tosses—all sorts of book nerd wackiness ensued.

If it counts for nothing else, the roster of books provides a kick-ass reading list of contemporary fiction, including my two favorites from last year, Cormac McCarthy’s The Road and Richard Ford’s Lay of the Land.

The tournament starts today, with a huge upset, as Gary Shteyngart’s Absurdistan (which I had picked as a possible big-prize winner), was knocked out of the competition by Chimanda Ngozi Adichie’s Half of a Yellow Sun. Let the nerd fight begin!

Oh, you poor person. Still too morally proud to own a TV? Well, luckily for you I’M HERE to help you out with all the AWESOME stuff you missed. For example, last night’s season finale of THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM in which Sarah has sex with God. Unfortunately for Sarah, God is one of those people who won’t get the hint that it’s time to leave. Check out this hilarious scene!

Want to see the entire show for yourself? Run out, buy a TV, install cable (or preferably a satellite dish), and tune in tonight for a repeat viewing on Comedy Central at 10:30 pm!

Photo by Reed student Hayes Ingram. Reports Leslie Loy, another student:

The SDS (Students for a Democratic Society) chapter at Reed College has put together an Iraqi War-awareness memorial on the front lawn. Using small flags, white and red, they’ve invited the community to become aware of the casualty of the War through the visual representation of the lives lost. As of now, there is only a small number, about a sixth, of the Iraqi lives lost (with nearly 122,000 flags up and more being put up every day by community members) represented and about 3,000 red flags representing the 3,055 count.

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

The presence in the sky of that strange, punishing ball of fire means only one thing: It’s em-effin’ morning again. Say ciao to your dreams, and hola to a whole new day of soul-crushing reality. There’s no better way to get your disillusion rolling than with a healthy dose of depressing news.

President George W. Bush goes in for a Brazilian. It’s for when he pulls the Scooter Libby pardon out of his ass, and TV cameras are around to watch.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates doesn’t see China as a threat. Who is a threat these days? North Korea? Venezuela? There’s no room on that list for a country with more than a billion people and economic interests directly in competition with ours?

The “surge” moves one step closer to a reality. Someone call the Raging Grannies.

Medical investigators know what killed Anna Nicole Smith, but they aren’t saying. No drugs in her stomach or foul play, though. My hunch: She died of preemptive boredom from the 24/7 news coverage of her death.

In a story of hope, a formerly half-ton man from Mexico has seen the sun for the first time in years, thanks to the fact that he only weighs 840 pounds now. Priceless: “To celebrate the milestone, six people pushed Uribe’s wheel-equipped iron bed out to the street as a mariachi band played and a crowd gathered. Then, a forklift lifted him onto a truck and the 41-year-old rode through the streets of San Nicolas de los Garza, a Monterrey suburb.” That, friends, is dignity.

In local news, Portland’s Drug-Free Zones appear to be disproportionately targeting African Americans, but no one from the police bureau or the mayor’s office can fully explain why (more on that later today). SE Division appears to be headed for a gym turf war, and cops may be trying to pressure the Office skate shop to stop selling spray paint.

Consider yourself infotained.

You know I like scientific experiments, right? So I’ve decided to start fucking with your brain — RIGHT BEFORE YOU GO TO SLEEP. Here’s how it’s going to work: I show you a video designed to give you really weird dreams, you go to sleep, and then when you wake up in the morning, tell me what you dreamed about in the comment section, and if the video had any effect on your dream state.
Deal? DEAL. Here’s a short film about dancing human sushi.

On Tuesday, I got an email from the Portland Police Bureau’s information officer, Brian Schmautz, looking for “two or three media folks” to talk to a Sergeant’s Academy about media relations and crime scenes.

The Sergeant’s Academy is for newly promoted sergeants. Participants may be blunt and could be critical of your profession. On the other hand, it is an opportunity to let them hear from you first hand.

I wrote back, telling Brian I would love to attend, and that the blunter the officers, the better. It’s much better to have honest conversations with police officers about the media, than to have them be terrified of talking to us. So if they want to call me names, then brilliant. If they want to throw stuff at me, great! I’ll even challenge any of them to a donut-eating contest. But I’m yet to hear back. SGT: “Blunt, critical.”

Some officers feel journalists are out to trip them up, criticize them unfairly, or that we’re parasites. I can’t speak for other reporters, but what I’m really trying to do? Fairly scrutinize the people who carry guns as part of the way they make a living, and give them a chance to respond. I only carry a pen—it’s not deadly. Just a little blunt and critical, on a good day.

As you may have read, there is no love lost between myself and the Pussycat Dolls. However, there was one note of interest from last night’s premiere of Pussycat Dolls Presents: The Search for the Next Doll — a rare instance of strippers chain-vomiting. Or is it “contagious vomiting”? What do you call it when one person vomits followed by a lot of other people vomiting? (And DON’T SAY “this week’s Mercury”.)
Anyway, this is the one time when the Pussycat Dolls vomited before I did.

Nancy Rommelman just blogged a really interesting letter from Leather Storrs (important chef guy formerly of Noble Rot) about his new project: A restaurant called Rocket, located over on East Burnside by the rock gym and slated to open in early April.

The building itself sounds amazing: super green design, big porch overhanging Burnside… Plus I’m excited to see this molecular gastrowhatsit I’ve heard so much about in action.

Read the whole thing over at her site; here are a couple bits that particularly caught my interest.

From Storrs:

… this building is sweet. It’s what’s called Leed Platinum, which means that it uses 50% less energy than code, it has a green roof (with raised garden beds for us and room for chickens), it has its own well (free water, bottle water quality) and about 45 other aspects that make it enviroriffic. All of these innovations take lots of time, lots of permit revisions and lots of money. I believe the wait is worth it. We have an extraordinary view down Burnside of Portland. It’s what I call the Brooklyn view. [NR: I’m from Brooklyn! And he’s right; the view is incredible.] Further we have a big, uncovered, deck that hangs out over the street (6 months of wrangling with the city). For 2 months of the year this will be the coolest tree fort in town (and the only one with liquor).

Our food will be high-tech American, or rather “American Sly.” We will push on the idea of molecular gastronomy a bit while trying to keep kookiness to a minimum. A premium will be placed on severe and spare presentation. Is it cute? It’s out. The first question is always, is it American? The second, is it delicious? Our entrée section is a matrix: 10-12 proteins, 10-12 sides. Pick one protein, pick 2 sides.

As I’m still reeling from seeing The Mountain Goats (OMG! They had a drummer!) this weekend, I present you with this gem from deep in John Darnielle’s staggering catalog of songs.

Cut Off Their Thumbs #1

His playful bowlcut hair says he’s a tender little lamb, but when he sings “I’m gonna kill everybody in this room,” I get chills.

This isn’t really surprising, but I still feel a little betrayed. Irrational, but there it is. Coffee, thanks a lot, you jerk.

From the BBC:

That morning latte or espresso may not be the pick-me-up people think it is, a study has revealed. University of Bristol researchers say the caffeine eases withdrawal symptoms which build up overnight, but does not make people more alert than normal… the Bristol researchers, who carried out a review of previous studies into the effects of caffeine, say all the drink does is counteract the mild caffeine withdrawal symptoms people are experiencing because they have gone without the stimulant overnight. Professor Peter Rogers, a biological psychologist who led the research, told the BBC: “We do feel a boost from caffeine in the morning, but that’s probably due to a reversal of the withdrawal symptoms… That alertness you feel is you getting back to normal, rather than to an above normal level.”

On St.Patrick’s day weekend! Are you going?

The Los Angeles Times reported that HarperColins plans to put out a book written by Jenna Bush, called, “Ana’s Story: A Journey of Hope.”

The book tells the non-fiction story of a 17-year-old, HIV positive, single mother Jenna met while working in Panama for five months with UNICEF.

This story should be much different than Jenna’s four years at U of T, which it seems were spent at the bottom of a pint glass. But then again, based on her recent birthday trip to Argentina, maybe it won’t!

Either way, I’m just shocked the offspring of this guy could write an entire book.

Since many readers of the Mercury are Communist vegan graffiti terrorists, I’m hoping you can help me out with a story-related question. I woke up yesterday to read the word “FEVER” written in 6ft-high letters across a building opposite our apartment. And you know, I was surprised to find my civic pride ignited. How dare you! How dare you! Etcetera.

I’m not kidding, it’s ugly! All wonky and done in black and white. Maybe if you’d used a little more color? Perhaps one or two of these?$8.50 PAINT:Used for good, not in your ‘hood?

One of the claims of shops selling high-end graffiti paint like this in Portland is that it is too expensive, at $8.50 a can, to be used for illegal graffiti, and that most of the street tags you’ll see around the city—including opposite my apartment—are done in paint that’s been boosted from hardware stores. Is this true? Should the city be focusing its attention on high-end paint stores, as it is doing (read more in tonight’s issue), or looking more closely at theft prevention in supermarkets and hardware stores? Or should the city give up fighting illegal graffiti altogether? Is the whole exercise futile?

As I mentioned, this week’s papier-mâché issue of the Mercury has a news story on graffiti in it—hitting the streets tonight. Speaking of hitting the streets, if I see any more of you Communist vegan graffiti terrorists toting spray cans round the Pearl District tonight, I’ll be calling “Clean & Safe,” sharpish. You’ve been warned.

I finally got a copy of the Alliance of Portland Neighborhood Business Associations (APNBA)’s “Small Business Response to VisionPDX” report. The name’s pretty self explanatory: It’s a collection of the business associations’ thoughts for Portland.

Among calls for fairer business taxes, and a more vibrant business environment, I was kind of surprised to find such insistent business opposition to… sex related businesses. It’s one of the businesses’ top three issues, along with funding education and helping the homeless. I’d expect neighborhood associations to oppose Portland’s sexy side… but their fellow business owners?

Urban living blight: “Porn-land, OR” — Another single issue that stood out among business people across the city was the number of sex-oriented stores. Respondents said the city should find a way to limit porn shops and strip clubs in neighborhoods and near schools, suggesting a red light district be created away from neighborhoods, perhaps in industrial districts. This was a particularly heated topic for most of the outer [business] districts.

Note to strip clubs and sex shops: Join your neighborhood business association! Influence their speaking points!

Okay, so far, I’m disappointed. I really don’t want to give the t-shirt to Scott Moore, as the purple would clash horribly with his beard. But unless you guys step it up a notch, I’m gonna have to.

Winner gets decided/announced @ 4:30 today. Here’s some inspiration.

According to The Oregonian, this week is Pet fashion week. The highlight of the week will be a DOG FASHION SHOW at the Acadian Ballroom Thursday night benefiting the Dove Lewis Emergency Animal Hospital and its pet-loss support program.
This is no Best In Show type event where top breeds are picked. The question here isn’t how hot is the dog, but how hot is their fashion sense?

It’s a common perception in the fashion world that Miuccia Prada is essentially a soothsayer. The declaration is made every season that Prada is what you not only should but inevitably will be wearing, even if at times the looks are so new as to be challenging, and at first inspire a little resistance. So when Prada unveiled their Fall/Winter ‘07 looks two weeks ago, the industry imeediately commenced picking through it. Me too. Even though I instinctively want to rebel from the automatic Prada prescription, the fact is that in the sea of black and gray that the vast majority of designers trotted out, you can’t help but look longer at Miuccia’s work, simply because it’s different. I’m going to throw out a few looks from the show, and you do what you do best: opine.

Truthfully I liked this at first glance, and even more so when I read WWD’s Godfrey Deeny describe the coat as looking “poisoned”. For those of us not in the Prada price range, the prediction I am reading from this is that the soothsayer says we shall be wanting to look for lesser-priced coats in classic shapes with subtle psychedelic accents next fall.

More after the jump…

Soothsayer says you don't have to limit yourself to being one among the army of black and gray coated, but consider neutrals on the lighter side of the spectrum. (And beige can look edgy when you use it head to toe.)

Soothsayer says evade the stocking with open toed heels debate by cutting the toes off the stockings (Marjorie says, also find some stockings that fit your heel properly. Ahem.), and brighten up with colors from the "ugly is the new hot" school of thinking.

One thing I will be very surprised to find myself in next season are the stupid hats and the knee highs, although I am digging the texture and colors of the hosiery in general.

Ever wonder how many different terms there are for breasts? Apparently, more than I had initially thought. Check out this mind-blowing extensive list, with such greats as Bodacious Ta-Tas, Splazoingas, and Hug Bumps, just to name a few.

The Smoking Gun has posted some very interesting viewer complaints to the FCC after Prince’s “Devil Dick” shenanigans at the Super Bowl Halftime show.

“I am very offended and I would prefer not to have showed it to my 4 children who love football. One of them has hoped to be a quarterback and now he will turn out gay. I am actually considering to check him for HIV. Thanks CBS for turning my son GAY.”

My personal favorite being:
“This image only made him look extremely large which made the rest of us feel small, and unable to preform [sic] this evening”

I agree.

Scott already reported about the biggest news of the day: CAPTAIN AMERICA IS DEAD. Rest in peace, Cap. Your patriotism-stained tights shall live in America’s memory forever.

(The most fitting memoriam for Cap I can think of is clicking on the above thumbnail to see a bigger version of it. Yeah! TAKE THAT, FRANCE!)

Okay and in all honesty: Deaths mean little to nothing in comic books, so the really interesting thing about Captain America’s “death” is what it means that he’s been killed off now (i.e. while America’s at war), as well as what it means w/r/t the sort of character that Cap’s become in recent years (i.e. kind of the opposite of the Boy Scout-ish, jingoistic propaganda machine he started out as). In other words, the once-square Cap’s become… well, kind of awesome. Or, you know, he was. Before he died.

The best part, though? Fox News is shitting all over themselves about what it means that Cap—“one of America’s most patriotic superheroes”—has been killed off. Hit the jump for more.

In fact, Cap's death is on the FRONT PAGE of foxnews.com, with a graphic and everything, w/ probably more onscreen real estate than, say, an actual person would get if they died:

Fox's sappy story on the death is here. Also, CNN's, Newsarama's, and--most bizarrely--an obit from Variety.

In most of these articles, they talk about how noble and great Cap was, how he represented the Greatest Generation and all that jazz. (BORING.) What they aren't talking about is how the character's been handled more recently, most notably by writer Mark Millar in the pages of The Ultimates and Civil War. Millar's made Cap into pretty much a badass: Long story short, Cap was frozen at the end of WWII, then brought back to life in our time. Finding himself a man out of time and out of step, he's been struggling to both adapt to a different world and reconcile his previously simplistic, hard line patriotism with the more nuanced and informed view that today's politickin' and superheroin' require. While Cap used to be a pawn of the gov't, in Civil War he became something damn close to a terrorist, going underground and leading cells of rebel superheroes when he disagreed with the U.S. gov't and people on a key issue. In short, Cap's gotten a lot deeper and a lot more interesting, and in a lot of ways has come to represent the fundamental dichotomy that's come to take over America as a whole, post-9/11 and in the midst of Iraq: American idealism vs. reality.

This is also worth pointing out: In a recent interview on Newsarama, Millar said the following about the role of politics in Civil War and Ultimates: "Well, I'm hesitant to point to political allegory. It's there for the people who want it, but any story I write tends to be shaped more by headlines than my back-issue collection. You're either into that or you aren't, but I think it's part of the reason I seem to sell especially well to new, mainstream readers. I read the papers, I watch the news and this is what seeps into my writing as opposed to Lord of the Rings. Obviously, there's a certain amount of political allegory in a story where a guy wrapped in the American flag is in chains as the people swap freedom for security, but I really made an effort to just make that stuff the gravy." When Newsarama asked Millar "So then how much--if any part--of Civil War is you reflecting upon/commenting on the post 9/11, Iraq War era of US history?", he replied "Who cares what I think of current U.S. foreign policy? People just want to see Hercules braining Thor with a fake Mjolner. I'd say The Ultimates is much more overtly political. As far as I'm concerned, Civil War was accidentally political because I just can't help myself."

(While we're at it, I'd highly recommend picking up the first volume of The Ultimates [which can definitely be read as an allegory of the U.S.'s foreign/military policy], and Civil War, a seven-issue-long series that just wrapped up, which--accidentally or not--riffs on America's reaction/acceptance of the Patriot Act.)

So maybe it does mean something that Cap got knocked off right now, just as Americans have such little faith in their own gov't and in the idea of America in general. Or maybe it's just a publicity stunt to sell more comics. Either way, RIP, Captain America. Until we see you again. Which will be soon.

It’s the hottest gossip from the halls of Hollyweird!

• Let’s see… who hasn’t proclaimed that he is the father of Anna Nicole’s baby? Ohhhhh… that’s right. O.J. SIMPSON! All together now: AWW, HELL NO! (Oh, it seems like he was “joking.” You know what? Acquitted murderers don’t get to joke.)

• Page Six posits their own theory of why Mission to Mars frontman JARED LETO broke his nose in a stage-diving accident. Apparently, no one was interested in catching him. (Now, Jordan Catalano? HIM we would catch.)

• LINDSAY LOHAN is clean and sober. And she still gets to show up late for work, sleep in her trailer for five hours, vomit and then go home? Now THAT’S the kind of AA I should join! Where do I sign up?

Apparently in England they have a national holiday known as NWA Day. And apparently on this day, concerned fathers perform hilarious, cleaned-up (and so very British) versions of NWA’s “Fuck the Police.” Just like in this video from Brit comedy show, Rush Hour.

Tip o’ the hat to Whip It Out Comedy!

Stay informed. Read the news. Here it is.

A Northwest Airlines employee gets arrested for assault after allegedly ejaculating on a passenger during a flight from Seattle.

Naomi Campbell—from the catwalk to community service.

In Iraq, shit is still all fucked up.

Women are too tired for sex. Which is fine, because men are too tired to pretend to be listening to you.

Captain America is dead. Do nerds cry?

Greenpeace has just released a list of things people can do to protect the environment while bumpin’ ugly. Organic lubes, bamboo bedsheets, hemp lingerie. Don’t think about Al Gore having sex. Don’t think about Al Gore having sex. Don’t think about Al Gore having sex. Don’t think about Al Gore having sex. Don’t think about Al Gore having sex.

In sports news, ice skates are very sharp.

And finally, Secretary of State Condi Rice thinks Borat’s human rights are being violated by Kazakhstan.

It sucks to be homeless, right? Well, imagine competing for begging revenue with the city you live in…

Denver, like Portland, has a TEN YEAR PLAN TO END HOMELESSNESS