Hot damn, this week went by so fast I think it may have left a mark. Feel like you might have missed something? Don’t worry, here’s a recap:

Chas Bowie let local artistsknow that Henriette Huldisch was in town scouting for the Whitney Biennial. (And if you get/got a call from her, be sure to tell us first!)

Scott Moore invited you to one of the Mercury’s famous, boozy (famously boozy?) political events. (No you didn’t miss it—it’s April 4, at Acme.)

Erik Henriksen panicked in my absence and let BlogTown readers decide what shoes to buy, and Star Trek got gay.

There was also a controversial thread about whether there is ever an excuse not to tip, and a bunch of white people discussed the stereotype of black people being bad tippers. Yikes.

Oh yeah, and then Steve posted a photo of Britney Spears’ alleged new boyfriend, and we all hurled.

Matt and Magenta were at it again with another episode of Pure Pod for Now People, in which they discuss the most overrated bands of all time.

On the serious tip, we talked about the impact of graffitti in our fair town.

We also couldn’t decide what was more important: the fact that you can buy a pink BBQ shaped like a pig, or that people will take almost any excuse they can find to give Matt Davis shit.

Humpy generously offered to illegally upload these mostly crappy SXSW shows, so turn off the tube and go buy at least $20 worth of reading material at Reading Frenzy or risk having to kiss one of Portland’s cultural institutions goodbye.

Alright, so now that you’re up to speed, it’s time to go get hammered for St Patty’s day. Remember, don’t drink and drive, folks!

(Nurse tomorrow’s hangover with a movie. Suggestion: go see Aliens on the big screen)

Oink. “It was just a block off Mississippi. It was totally cute, wagging its tail happily the whole time it ate dirt and garbage,” says photog Tonya.

More free range pork after the jump.

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

New numbers at the mayor’s racial profiling committee yesterday coincided with a softened union line on the issue.

The numbers showed African Americans made up 24% of bike and pedestrian stops made by Portland’s police in 2006—despite making up just 6.6% of the population, according to the 2000 census. Previously, the committee was working from traffic stop data alone, which showed African Americans made up 14% of traffic stops. But at the group’s last meeting in February, co-chair Jo Ann Bowman of activist group Oregon Action asked the police bureau to see its pedestrian and bike stop data, too.

The even more disproportionate new numbers coincided with a marked change in Police Union boss Robert King’s approach yesterday. Until January, he was publicly refusing to be a part of the committee at all, but he told Bowman yesterday:

“I really do think, given a whole host of historical and deeply emotional factors, we are attempting to inch forward. I heard you say very clearly that your involvement in the committee was as a result of people feeling hurt by the police. I heard you clearly—we’ve talked about restoring trust and respect, it’s very delicate, and I am committed to helping with that, in some way.”

King denies his changed perspective is related to the new numbers, and says: “I have not even looked at them.” He adds: “the numbers have to drive you to the table in a more meaningful way.” Today, King told the Mercury:

“The thing that has changed is, I understand that community members feel or believe that an officer who interacted with them engaged in racial bias. That’s a real feeling for them, and the numbers demonstrate for them what they know to be true already.”

Bowman says she is not surprised by the new numbers, and that they are reflective of reality for many African Americans in Portland. But she is pleased that “as far as I’m concerned, Robert appears to be shifting more to of a position of co-operation.”

The mayor will address the committee at its next meeting, in April.

We got this very sad-making email today. Allowing Reading Frenzy to go out of business would be a serious failure of the imagination on the part of our city.

Dear Readers,

We’re rounding the corner on our 13th year, and while I’m not particularly superstitious, it does seem to be adding up to a rather unlucky phase in our long, illustrious history. A series of unfortunate events, both business and personal, have brought us to a critical juncture and we need your support to see us through.

As a faithful reader, I’m sure you appreciate Reading Frenzy and what we offer to our community of readers and publishers: a rare outlet for independent and alternative media, a hub of local literary activity, and a cozy space for art and literary events. Internationally recognized for our devotion to the small press and zines in particular, we’ve even inspired others to follow suit and open shops in their own towns.

Reading Frenzy is as much a community resource as it is a business, and as such has always depended on the generosity of volunteer staff, a team of supportive professionals who help us for free or cheap, and the occasional fundraiser. We have a couple bigger events in the works, but in the meantime here’s how you can help break the spell:

Go on a Reading Frenzy shopping spree! If all 1000 of you spent $20 it would guarantee at least another year of business. Can’t find what you want now? Buy yourself (and a few of your friends) gift certificates!

Buy a Co-Frenzy membership for $100 — you receive a 10% discount for one year, plus a signed/numbered Reading Frenzy/Spiral Bound print by Aaron Renier!
Have a bright idea for a fundraiser? Bring it on! We’re thinking rock show, spaghetti feed, and book sale — but not at the same time!
Thanks so much for your continued support!

Your Faithful Proprietress,
Chloe

Bob Projansky, of Veterans for Peace, had been to The World Trade Center before to attend the theatre, located inside building two, but today he accompanied Mike Glaze and Peter Bergel, of Oregon Peace Works, to speak with Sen. Gordon Smith about defunding the war.
“We want him to promise us, the people of Oregon, that he will vote to defund the war,” said Projanksy. “Then we won’t pester him anymore.”

No one from Senator Gordon’s office came down to meet with the three men, or their supporter from Defund The War and another onlooker referring to himself as Joe Anybody.

Since the building is privately owned, the owners called to remove the activists for trespassing. The Senator, who is elected by the public, was unable to be reached for comment.

The question here is, does the owner of this building or the Portland Police have the right to deny an American citizen the right to talk to their senator? It appears so!

As Projansky trailed off in our conversation, looking over my shoulder, he said, “Looks like the sent the big boys,” referring to two large police officers who just arrived. In all six officers responded to give the three men their final ultimatum, leave the property or be arrested.

“Looks like we’re going to be guests of the city for awhile,” said Projansky. All three men were arrested.

more photos on jump... Photos by Daniel Savickas

Tomorrow is Amateur Night AKA St. Patrick’s Day! Are you ready to get shit-faced drunk, flash your tits/scrotum, and generally make the biggest, sorriest ass out of yourself? Yeah, me too. Usually I avoid St. Paddy’s parties like the plague (or should that be “famine”?), because all the Greshamite amateurs flood into your favorite bars and order buttloads of Irish Carbombs—making me hate every human I come into contact with. But there’s some interesting Irish-themed fun going on…
First off the Moon & Sixpence (2014 NE 42nd) is having a blowout, with an outdoor tent (with an extra bar). There will be tons of music all day starting at noon. The first 50 people get a Guinness or Moon T-shirt. The cover will run between $5-10 (depending on when you get there). That’s most likely my choice of poison for the night.

(Does anyone else find this picture disturbing?)
I would also recommend checking out the Blitz Bar (110 NW 10th) who are having their grand opening tonight and tomorrow. They’ve flown in a band from Belfast called The Real Shindig. There’s also a big outdoor tent!

What’s everyone else up to?

This week, I wrote about the efforts to fund the campaigns on either side of the charter reform debate, including speculation about where the “yes” side will find donors to make up for the tens of thousands of dollars in union money the “no” side has picked up.

Since before the campaign was formed, there’s been speculation that the most likely source of funding would be the Portland Business Alliance, whose love for a “strong mayor” form of government is as deep as their pockets. But so far, no contributions from them have shown up on the Secretary of State’s website.

I put in a call to PBA head Sandra McDonough, but unfortunately didn’t hear back until we’d gone to press. McDonough says that, at this point, the PBA has no plans to contribute money as an organization—in fact, she says, they haven’t even done any fund-raising for their political action committee in some time. (Update: Indeed! The Alliance PAC’s filing with the SOS shows $1,299.98 currently in the bank.) She said she wouldn’t unequivocally rule it out, but that, as of now, there aren’t any plans to bankroll the “Citizens To Reform City Hall.”

And that draws the question mark even larger—who is going to fund the mayor’s efforts?

Downtown, in Pettygrove Park, from Metroblogging Portland’s Banana Lee Fishbones, who says:

Yay spring!!

No kidding. Please tell me restaurants and bars’ patios are opening this weekend!

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

In the comments to Amy’s post this morning on Israel Bayer’s call for the city to abandon the Sit/Lie Ordinance, Blog Town reader Lyle had this response: “believe me, i’m as liberal as they come, but i think something’s wrong when the issue of the day for portland’s liberal community is supporting someone’s right to be lazy.”

Oh, Lyle, Lyle, Lyle. Don’t you realize that laziness is the only thing that will save the planet? That if we all slacked off a bit more (or a lot more), we could drastically reduce the speed of global climate change?

This is what I’m talking about. Last December, the Center for Economic and Policy Research released a study, co-authored by David Rosnick and Mark Weisbrot, called “Are Shorter Work Hours Good For The Environment?: A Comparison of U.S. and European Energy Consumption” (pdf).

People in most European countries—in fact, people in most industrialized countries across the globe, with the exceptions of Greece and Turkey—work fewer hours per year than Americans, although they’re not necessarily less productive (I’m no economist, so you can look at the numbers in the report yourself). But if Europeans started working as many hours as their American counterparts? Those countries would then consume 30 percent more energy than they currently do, and the resulting carbon emissions could increase global temperatures by two to four degrees Fahrenheit by 2050. See ya, polar bears!

But on the flip side, if Americans all started working less than we currently do, if we started working the same hours as people in, say, France (an average of 388 hours less per year, but with higher hourly productivity than America), we could drastically reduce our energy consumption, our carbon emissions, and our contribution to rising global temperatures.

So when I take the rest of this afternoon off to go play frisbee in the park, it’s not because I’m lazy—it’s because I care about the planet. I care about keeping the world safe for the children of the next generation—specifically my bosses’ children. I’m doing this for them.

I am not good at “buying clothes.” I do it approximately once every four years, my tastes, apparently, are “childish at best,” and honestly, I get both confused and frightened by things like “sizes” and “colors.”

HOWEVER! I need new shoes. So: I have picked two different pairs out. I like them both. But now I need help deciding which ones to get. CAN YOU HELP ME? (Christ knows I need help, and the person I usually turn to in such matters, Ms. Marjorie Skinner, who has been charitable enough to assist me in matters of fashion in the past, is currently OUT OF THE OFFICE.) So. In the first corner, some nice Diadoras:

And in the second corner, some swell Asics:

Vote in the comments. This is up to you, Blogtown denizens. I will trust your judgment on this, and submit myself to your democratic fashion decree, whatever it may be. Please help. (Frankly, I’m leaning towards the Asics. But then again, I own no less than four Spider-Man t-shirts, so like I have any idea what the fuck I’m talking about.)

Man. Rough weekend for new movies. Looks like a trip to Videorama is in order! But okay, fine, if you insist….

Okay, so Chris Rock is unfunny in I Think I Love My Wife, Sandra Bullock is in yet another godawful movie (big surprise), and shit gets tiresomely weird with El Topo.

There’s also some crappy-looking, not-screened-for-critics horror flick from the dude who did Saw (sigh), and French importance at Cinema 21. And I already blogged about Aliens, but there’s that, too. And The Host is still @ Fox Tower (caught that again last night, and it was just as good the second time), and Children of Men is still only $3 at the Clinton St.

Yep. That’s about it. Hey, have I mentioned how much I like Videorama? Last time I was there, I bought this off of their used DVD rack. Videorama should probably have a breathalyzer.

Police Chief Rosie Sizer gave a civilian heroism medal this morning to a man who helped the cops catch a gunman on SE Holgate, Monday night.

Greg Geist was riding his motorbike down 39th Ave, when he saw the gunman running down the street away from where he had shot at the cop. Despite being in the line of fire, Geist turned his bike around and followed the man into an apartment complex, where he was later apprehended. The cops say if it weren’t for Geist’s actions, the gunman would have gotten away.

“I think we all wonder in a crisis or a time of violence how we would respond as citizens,” Sizer told Geist in a room full of cops and TV cameras in the Justice Center on SW 2nd. “You helped police officers in a time of real jeopardy, and you helped the community in getting a dangerous person off the street. I just have tremendous admiration for your actions that night.”

Geist said he had not expected such a ceremony. “I hoped to meet Chief Sizer to tell her how professional, humane, and incredibly impressive her officers had been. That’s why I came here today,” he said.

Are you ready for another righteously sunny episode of 3-Minute Limit? This week, host Lance Chess explores Florida-based band Failure Face, who played some recklessly blazing hardcore music. Check it out by clicking here.

Portland’s Cacophony Society are throwing a party tonight—better put on a white dress and join ‘em.

brIdes of March! NO GROOMS ALLOWED!

Pioneer Square

brIdes of March!
NO GROOMS! (read twice if you don’t understand it- if you’re not a bride, don’t come)
Come to Pioneer Square on Friday the 16th at 6pm. Get married to prominent local landmarks, kiss the bride, and then - a reception! Twisted games and prepare to make a mockery of one of God’s sacred institutions.

For those of us unhip enough to still like the Decemberists (read: me), Jackpot is putting on two screenings of “The Decemberists: A Practical Handbook DVD” TONIGHT at the Bagdad. Live concert footage, plus a handful of videos and a documentary shot during the making of The Crane Wife; should be a treat for fans. It’s free. And there will be beer.

Bagdad Theatre, 3702 SE Hawthorne; 5 pm, all ages, 7 pm, 21+, FREE

My boss, Wm. Steven Humphrey, mean-spirited gossip-hound that he is, showed me that picture this a.m. as soon as I walked in the office. He’d been waiting. For he was filled with malice and viciousness when he did so, and had a glint in his eye I can only characterize as “sadistic.” Because here’s the deal: I only care about TWO THINGS in my life.

1. STAR WARS.
2. THE O.C.

And yes, yes, I have oft-dreamed of a union of these two worlds! I have dreamt of Jedi Councils moving from the city-planet of Coruscant and instead setting up residence in Newport, CA; of AT-ATs clunking and striding along sunset-y beaches; of Ewoks dancing to Modest Mouse; of Ryan Atwood and Seth Cohen enrolling in Padawan Academy, and eventually fighting Darth Sandy Cohen, whose use of the Force was channeled through his mighty, mighty eyebrows. It was a beautiful dream, yes. But alas, it was but a dream.

UNTIL FUCKING ANAKIN SKYWALKER STARTED DATING GODDAMN SUMMER ROBERTS. According to some jerkface named Just Jared, apparently, Hayden Christensen and Rachel Bilson are now, as Ann Romano would say, an “ITEM.” A holy union, you say? NO. What, Hayden? WHAT? Making out with NATALIE PORTMAN wasn’t good enough for you? NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

I mean, CHRIST. They even go GROCERY SHOPPING TOGETHER. Goddamn it. Goddamn it. Sigh. I have to go.

Post-script: Hayden, if I see you even LOOKING AT THE DVD COVERS of Into the Blue or Fantastic Four, we’re gonna have problems.

• NERD ALERT ONE! This Sunday brings us part one of the two-part BATTLESTAR GALACTICA season finale, wherein that creepy creep Dr. Baltar goes on trial for crimes against humanity. Call in Johnny Cochran!

• NERD ALERT TWO! In a valiant effort to keep VERONICA MARS from being cancelled, creator Rob Thomas plans to pitch a show where Veronica is a FBI trainee — in the agency’s special “Lingerie Division.”

• RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES! Original Buffy KRISTY SWANSON and Mr. Show’s DAVID CROSS will appear as people who are remarkably similar to Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern in an upcoming Law & Order: Criminal Intent. FINALLY! A reason to watch this show!

• UMMM… EW! According to the 60 Minutes interview airing this Sunday, American Idol b-hole SIMON COWELL was once offered 100 grand to watch a couple make love and then critique them. Randy Jackson agreed to step in when he learned the couple was doing it “DOG-gy style.” Ouch. That’s not funny.

… or, at least she hates this “blog.” (Which I am sure she has read.) But I’m not alone. Wintour hates all blogs, or more precisely, she hates the word “blog.” It seems Vogue is expanding their web presence, according to Page Six (somewhat puzzling, as the American Vogue online home is Style.com, which already has a huge web presence, including things referred to as blogs. I even read them.). But the queen has spoken, and perhaps if she can influence the dress style of the western world, she can influence the vernacular. What I can’t wait for is to see what alternate term she comes up with. And I’m sure it’s possible her flock of lemmings will adopt it.

What’s a morning news report without some elected official or celebrity spreading a message vitriolic bigotry? Today’s headline comes to us courtesy of Kansas Senator and presidential hopeful
Sam Brownback, who said “I believe that homosexual acts between individuals are immoral and that we should not condone immoral acts. I do not believe the United States is well-served by a policy that says it is OK to be immoral in any way.” He later clarified, “I do not believe being a homosexual is immoral, but I do believe homosexual acts are.” Oh, OK. Whew. As long as he’s not judging anybody.

Another big shocker here: Americans don’t eat enough fruit and vegetables. Only 27% of us eat two servings of fruit and three servings of veggies a day. Since each serving is only half a cup, that works out to barely more than a large apple and a generous salad. (Even juice counts, people.) Another curious finding from the study: “Although Hispanics ate the most fruits (37 percent) compared with blacks and whites, they ate the fewest vegetables, (about 20 percent). Whites, in contrast, ate the fewest fruits (31 percent) but the most veggies (28 percent).”

Iran to the US: Fuck you, we’re going nuclear!

The only thing funnier than regular Michael Jackson stories (like this one, where he checks into a hotel under a woman’s name) are British Michael Jackson stories. “Wacko, 48, is currently holed up in the £3,000-a-night….” “But the staff there weren’t exactly over the moon(walk) to see him…” etc. etc.

This story on the North Carolina castrators features the Pulitzer-worthy line: “Investigators said they found evidence including a scrotum and a testicle kept in a freezer.” (I take it back. A real Pulitzer-worthy journalist would have discovered what happened to the other testicle.)

That’s what happened while I was sleeping, folks. Stay tuned for more local news throughout the day.

Michelle DeCourcy has been an established presence in Portland for years, although she seems somewhat independent of the groups of usual suspects people speak of when they mention Portland fashion. I’ve seen her work at several shows, and while it’s generally too precious and Lake Oswego-ish for my taste, the woman certainly has a following. Today she celebrates the launch of her Spring ‘07 collection, as well as the one-year anniversary of her boutique’s home in the Pearl. Notably, she is changing the name of her lower-priced line of basics from, um, Basics, to Pink Label, which does indeed house a few unreproachable basics:

A black halter top is something you can find just about anywhere, but you may as well support local design when fetching your summer standbys. Meanwhile, here’s a look from the main line for Spring

If you’re digging the ladylike, garden-party vibe you can more completely check out here, stop on by from 4-8 pm today at the flagship store (916 NW Flanders).

As I reported in this week’s paper, SK Northwest has submitted another proposal to develop a space along the Willamette, in industrial SE Portland. Their last proposal was shot down, because the company didn’t want to build a required portion of a bike trail that would connect the Springwater Corridor to the Eastbank Esplanade.

I just saw this in a city notice over SK Northwest’s proposal: “The proposal retains the full greenway setback. There will be a place for the City to build a trail if it decides to dedicate the resources in the future. The site design provides a walkway along the north side of the building that connects to the greenway setback.”

In other words, this proposal at least allows room for the bike trail (the last one didn’t)—but SK Northwest is making the case that if the city wants a trail, they’ve got to put it in themselves.

Ever since I saw the DVD for the first time a few years ago, I’ve preferred James Cameron’s director’s cut of his 1986 classic Aliens. But the theatrical release starts today at the Laurelhurst, and it’s still excellent: One of the best films of the ’80s (winner of two Oscars, nominated for seven, including Best Actress for Sigourney Weaver), Cameron’s action/sci-fi/horror hybrid is a nearly perfect creation. Barreling along with a ferocious pace, Cameron’s sharp, scary, and surprisingly sensitive film stars a whole bunch of people with a whole bunch of guns, features a slew of creepy monsters, and boasts some of the coolest action sequences ever put on film. Seeing it on the big screen is pretty rare, and should be pretty awesome. Shows nightly @ 9:50, just FYI.

DON’T FORGET! The awesome Guitar Hero II Tournament will be held tonight at the Red Room Lounge (2530 NE 82nd). Sign up is at 7 pm, and there are only 40 spots—one of which will be going to the Mercury’s own Guitar Hero wizard CHRISTINE BLYSTONE—so get there early if you want to compete!
Me, I’m into other forms of musical gamesmanship. While I do love Guitar Hero, I’m still waiting on this company to develop “Spice Girls Hero”—where you have to sing AND dance to Spice Girl songs. Until then, it looks like I’ll have to be satisfied with the newest member of the Hero family. Introducing…
ACCORDIAN HERO II!

Featuring songs such as “Roll Out the Barrell,” “Leichtensteiner Polka,” and M.C. Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This,” Accordian Hero II is your obvious choice for fun — until they invent Flugel Horn Hero.

This morning’s Oregonian carries one viscious corker of a restaurant review. I’d like to be the second this morning to pay credit where it’s due:

Dishes at this splashy new restaurant are conceived as if they were the last on Earth and every flavor known to man and beast must be sampled before the hour of annihilation. What else could explain the kitchen’s bizarre concoctions?

Ooooof.

Street Roots’ Israel Bayer has a great blog entry this morning, touting the latest edition of the paper (out today), which focuses plenty on the city issue du jour: the Sit-Lie Ordinance.

The entire entry is worth checking out—it outlines a 9th Circuit Court of Appeals ruling (we wrote about it last year, too) that might be a tool for securing more homeless rights in town (like ditching the anti-camping ordinance or precluding the sit-lie)—and sides with the street kids who’ve been rallying lately, suggesting that the city should kill the sit-lie ordinance, read the 9th Circuit ruling, and perhaps come up with a way to allow people to sit or sleep on the sidewalks and in the parks.

The new sit-lie ordinance that has been proposed by a committee would ban people from sitting or lying on a sidewalk in downtown and in the Lloyd Center district during the daytime. In exchange for the law targeting homeless people the city has agreed to create a day access center, public restrooms and park benches downtown. Problem is there’s no access center for people and city council agreed to not move forward with the law until all of immunities are in place. In the meantime, the business community is getting impatient and street kids are organizing a group of homeless people calling bullshit.

Street Roots tends to agree with the street kids and thinks the city should take it all off the table and start anew. This time with a law that doesn’t ban people from existing or at least that allows people to sleep undisturbed downtown on public property, including parks. Who knows, maybe the LA ruling can force the city to allow people to sleep downtown - because it certainly doesn’t seem to be concerned that people’s human rights are being violated.

Egg Press—the awesome letterpress company based in a warehouse in SE Portland (it’s a little tricky to find, but it’s a block NW of Holocene)—is having a great sample sale through Saturday. I love their cards, and their studio is fun to visit—you can take a peek at the letterpresses while you’re there!

More info:

Hello friends!

Don’t miss the Egg Press Spring Sample Sale happening next week, March 14–17th!! We’ve done our spring cleaning and have unearthed many gems to offer to you at amazing prices! In addition, we just finished printing our latest release, and have plenty of new seconds for you to add to your collection. We will have discontinued styles as well as card bundles. And don’t forget about our popular “tees while you wait!” These are all great gifts to consider for Mother’s Day, Easter baskets or Spring birthday gifts.

Join us
3/15 Thursday 11:00 AM - 7:00 PM
3/16 Friday 11:00 AM - 7:00 PM
3/17 Saturday 10:00 AM - 3:00 PM

Way more info, including door prizes, how to get a custom t-shirt, and directions, after the jump!

Prizes: Besides the fantastic deals, we will have warm beverages and other refreshments for you to enjoy and door prizes to keep things exciting. For every $50 you spend on Egg Press goods you will be entered into a drawing for custom printed stationery, an eggpress.com gift certificate, or a goodie bag of Egg Press treats.

TEES WHILE YOU WAIT!
You may bring clean shirts of your own for us to print on or you may buy one of ours. In addition, we encourage you to get creative—bring totes, tea towels, or pillowcases—we’ll print on anything flat that our printers can manage.

Of Note
The fine folks from More Good Day Oregon stopped by the other day to speak with Tess and to check out what goes on in our studio. We are hoping to see the feature air next week, so tune in if you get the chance! Wednesday March 14, 2007 from 9:00–10:00 AM.

Recap
Egg Press Sample Sale—Be there or be square and bring your friends too. We always like seeing new faces! See you there!

Egg Press
939 SE Alder Unit 1
Portland, Oregon 97214
tel. 503.234.4233
fax.503.234.4256

Nuts & Bolts
Egg Press accepts cash, checks or credit card. We are located at 939 SE Alder, Unit 1. Enter through the blue pedestrian door on 9th Avenue. We are the second door on your left. Please give us a call if you get lost along the way or if you have any questions: 503.234.4233.

Egg Press is a local letterpress studio nestled in southeast Portland with a line of letterpress cards, screen-printed baby tees and an offset card collection. Check us out on-line www.eggpress.com

I’ve really been missing the band McLusky lately, but nothing prepared me for this completely amazing video that I stumbled on yesterday when I was YouTubing them. The song is “Lightsabre Cocksucking Blues.”

Are you retardedly jealous of everyone who has the dough-re-mi to skip work and go to SXSW? ME, TOO. Well, there’s a couple ways to partially alleviate this insane jealousy: 1) Listen to streaming SXSW performances on Minnesota’s The Current, on KEXP, and WOXY , as well as NPR.
BUT HERE’S THE NEWS THAT MADE ME POOP MY PANTS.
People who receive DirecTV can actually watch live performances from certain bands at SXSW!
POOP!
Now here’s the news that made me UN-poop my pants. Most of these bands BLOW. Here’s the DirecTV run-down (appearing on channel 101):

Thursday, March 15
The Lone Star Lounge: 5pm Razorlight, 7pm Marc Broussard, 9pm Brandi Carlile
The Bat Bar: 4pm Ozomatli, 6pm Young Love, 8pm Ian Moore, 10pm The Bravery

Friday, March 16
The Lone Star Lounge: 1pm The Buzzcocks, 4pm Rocco DeLuca, 6pm Pam Tillis, 8pm Annuals, 10pm Rachel Fuller
The Bat Bar: 2pm The Polyphonic Spree, 5pm The Oohlas, 7pm The Watson Twins, 9pm Peter, Bjorn and John, 11pm Aqualung

Saturday, March 17
The Bat Bar: 1:45pm Tiny Masters Of Today, 4pm Rickie Lee Jones, 6pm Bowling for Soup, 8pm Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly., 10pm The Automatic
The Lone Star Lounge: 2:15pm Kraak & Smaak, 5pm Lee “Scratch” Perry, 7pm Jon McLaughlin, 9pm Stars Of Track And Field, 11pm Mando Diao

Now, I will happily illegally upload any of these live performances onto Blogtown if you so request. The question is: DO YOU WANT TO SEE ANY OF THEM?

Tips to Pop Candy!

This weekend boasts two sweet little events flying under the radar—both possessing that awesome “only in Portland” vibe.

1. At 12:30 pm Saturday, Corin Tucker of Sleater-Kinney fame will perform a half-hour solo show at Buckman Elementary, Portland’s coolest elementary school. (How many other schools get Corin Tucker to play on the weekends?) It’s Buckman’s big Art Show & Sale, which has all kinds of musicians and food and art and stuff, but it’s only $2 to get in Saturday, and like I said—Corin Tucker at 12:30.

2. The fine folks at Red76 are hosting a “Nuclear War” party—which means that anyone in the world is welcome to stop by and perform a cover version of Sun Ra’s Nuclear War. The show starts at 7 (load your gear at 5 if you’re performing) at some old Chinatown space, 520 NW Davis. (Call 503.544.3317 if the door is stuck. It’s apparently sticky.)

There you go. That’s a lot of curious fun for a total of $2.

Attn. Joss Whedon fans! Two things:

• On June 22 & 23, there’ll be two charity screenings of Serenity @ the Hollywood Theatre, following last year’s super-successful charity screening @ Cinema 21. (Thanks to b!X for the heads up.)

• The first issue of the new Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic—which is written by Whedon himself, and is a (oh, how this phrase actually stings to write) canonical continuation of the TV series—is already selling out. Best track one down quick-like! (Mine’s waiting for me at Things from Another World, and as soon as I get paid tomorrow, it is ALL MINE. Back away, dweebs! Away! MINE!)

That will be all, nerdlings. Please resume your cataloging of Magic: The Gathering cards, and do get back to those heated message board debates re: continuity errors in Stargate Atlantis. (As if we are really expected to believe that Ronon Dex’s energy pistol is not crafted of highly dubious technology, esp. considering the relatively realistic energy constrains within in the SG universe?!)

In addition to Democrats’ victory in passing the “rainy day” fund today, House legislators chalked up another major victory this morning—passing the “Access to Birth Control” bill, House Bill 2700, which will require insurance to provide contraception to women as part of their drug benefit plan.

It will effectively expand access to birth control for women across the state, although “religious institutions” are exempted from having to pay for the coverage if they have a moral obligation. (You know, the “moral obligation” that some religions have to preach against simple contraception, leading to a world full of STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and overpopulation-related poverty and starvation.)

The bill also requires emergency room workers to inform victims of rape and incest about emergency contraception, and to provide the treatment if it’s requested.

The House Majority office sent out a press release full of quotes from House D’s, but this one, from rookie representative Tina Kotek, says it all:

“In casting this vote today, we stand on the shoulders of giants,” Kotek says. “Generations of women in our nation and in Oregon have fought for fairness in women’s health care and, with dogged determination in the face of many bitter defeats, made the change created today possible.”

According to the city’s Office of Neighborhood Involvement, this is the website for the Downtown Neighborhood Association. Hot! And NSFW.

(I got ahold of DNA president Steve Trujilo, who tells me: “Unfortunately our website name lapsed and then it got picked up by a Porno site. Our new site will be dnaportland.org” Update those listings!)

Spring is finally happening, and you can tell the local boutique scene is happy about it. After all, they’ve been storing up all kinds of new merchandise for you to view, and many of them are inviting you to specifically check it out. Garment (4136 SE Hawthorne), for one, has started doing trunk shows twice every month. The next one is for Lucia’s Spring line, one of the store’s many labels that originate exclusively in the Pacific Northwest. The store’s a great place to see what’s growing in your own backyard anyway, and these events are an excuse to see selected designers up close n’ personal. This is set for this Saturday, 6-9 pm, with drinks and apps.

I find emoticons to be pretty hysterical. Sadly enough I will consistently laugh if someone IMs a happy face with sunglasses (the douchebag of emoticons). Or that little yellow guy with money signs for eyes (WTF!). Or what about that creepy, beauty-spot-encrusted emoticon with the puffy red lips (the drag queen of emoticons)? So it was nice to read this article from News.com about the history and future of emoticons.

After all, the phenomenon is about to turn 25—a dinosaur in web years. The origin of the ASCII smiley face is typically traced to September 1982, when Scott Fahlman, a research professor at Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Computer Science, suggested that the :-) symbol be used in the subject line of an online bulletin board post to denote a humorous or non-serious topic.

Someone needs a drink.

Check out the extensive list of emoticons here. Not sure when anyone would need to use “the cowboy,” but the state of Montana is pretty stoked.

The Oregon Senate is currently debating the “rainy day” fund/suspension of the corporate kicker, which you can peep online at the Oregon Channel.

The full senate has already voted down a Republican amendment, which would have created the fund—a reserve account—solely through general fund dollars. The Dem plan takes $128 million out of the general fund, $247 million out of lottery revenue, $41 million in interest, and $290 million by suspending the “corporate kicker,” a large tax refund given back to corporations. (State Sen. Ginny Burdick just argued that the kicker represents about an 80 percent tax refund for corporations, and two-thirds of that money goes back to out of state corporations and isn’t spend here.)

If the senate isn’t able to get a supermajority of the vote, plan B is to refer the suspension of the corporate kicker to Oregon voters this May. At least Portland’s charter reform package will have some company on the ballot.

Update: The Democrats were able to scrape up enough Republican votes—two—to pass it through with a supermajority. The pair of bills (one that suspends the corporate kicker, one that redirects that money and the other funds into the reserve account) still need to be signed by the governor.

Depending on where you work, you may or may not be aware of the fact that the federal government allows employers to give their workers a tax-exempt benefit of up to $215 per month for certain parking plans, and up to $110 per month for using mass transit or vanpooling.

And if you’re a bike commuter? You get hosed.

But our friendly biking congressman, Rep. Earl Blumenauer, is introducing the “Bike Commuter Act,” an amendment to the “Transportation Fringe Benefit” that would extend these tax-free benefits to bikers.

Hey, that’s great! Blumenauer describes the Act as a move toward equity. But, ohhhh, uhhh, does anybody actually work for a company that gives monthly transportation benefits? Who, exactly, does this benefit?

Big surprise, Jonathan Maus at BikePortland.org is currently in D.C., and has been covering this and other bike issues. Peep it all here.

God, how perfect would that be? Okay, so it’ll never happen—NC-17-rated films simply don’t get distribution to speak of in America—but still: perfect.

The New York Post’s oh-so-reliable gossip pages, however, are wondering about all the cuts that’re going to have to be made to Tarantino and Rodriguez’s double feature to get it down to an R rating. A story detailing a few alleged descriptions of the faux trailers that’ll play between Tarantino and Rodriguez’s films is up at their site. And yeah, it sounds NC-17-y, but I’m not going to get my hopes up.

Other ratings news, because reading about the MPAA’s archaic rating system is so much fun: Reportedly, this summer’s Transformers originally got branded with an R, but after a call from exec-producer Spielberg, the MPAA reconsidered and lessened the rating to a PG-13. Not sure if that’s good or bad news, but something about R-rated robots in disguise is kind of cool, I guess. Or maybe there’s something about the idea of a previously PG-rated property that’s been morphed into something that gets an R that I just find… weird.

This year marks the 50th anniversary of The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. I’m sure many of us grew up reading Dr. Seuss books. When I was a little kid, my favorite Seuss book was There’s a Wocket in my Pocket. You could imagine my delight when I found out about Dylan Hears a Who!, a collection of Bob Dylan songs with classic Seuss lyrics (I’m assuming by a guy imitating Dylan). The icing on the cake is that the website allows you to download all the songs for free. You can hear them with a fox. You can hear them in a box. You can hear them in a house. You can hear them with a mouse…

What’s the frequency, Kenneth?

Yesterday Khalid Sheikh Mohammed admitted to masterminding the entirety of 9/11 and to personally beheading WSJ reporter Daniel Pearl. The news is making a big deal out of this, but I thought that these guys loved to claim responsibility for all kinds of crap like this in their quest for more post-mortem virgins. Besides, I thought Bush already claimed to have killed and captured all of the “number two” men behind 9/11. How many number twos can there be? Are we going to hear soon that Osama is just a big puffy mascot, like the guy dressed up in front of the Little Caesar’s by my house? When is that damn march again? Oh yeah, this Sunday.

On a lighter note—a 17-year-old girl who had been searching for her missing dog was reunited with the pooch yesterday—when somebody dropped Chevy’s head off in a box on her doorstep!

Celebs and thier babies—always hard hitting news! Angelina adopts one; Tori Spelling squirts one out; Johnny Depp brings his home from the hospital.

Rasheed Wallace and the Detroit Pistons whupped up on the Blazers last night, 87-75.

And finally today: Barack Obama thinks John Edwards is kind of cute. (Is it just me, or are “handsome” politicians never really handsome?)

A rant: I keep coming across websites for Portland businesses that carry little information—like sites for bars and restaurants that only list the address and a logo. In the past two days, I’ve run into this for the daily cafe (I was hoping to find a menu as I was rounding people up for lunch), and rontoms (looking for photos, a menu, anything to show out of town guests).

Why have a website, if you aren’t going to bother to include much useful info?

One of N Mississippi’s fave boutiques, Pin Me, is teaming up with Physical Element, a store worth venturing into the Pearl for (if you still have hangups about the Pearl) for its stylin’ activewear, much of which can easily transition to regular day wear (a boon for those who can’t easily trek around with an extra gym bag). They’re having a little fashion exhibiton this evening from 6-9 pm at NW Pilates (1901 NW 26th) to show off the new looks both stores have in for Spring, as well as to tell you how pilates can “create a stronger, leaner you.”

Here’s a photo sent in by photographer Christopher Line of the street kids outside City Hall yesterday:STREET KIDS: Not everybody’s “cup of tea,” but they have rights, too!

So far the responses to yesterday’s blog on their protest have ranged from supportive to, well, downright nasty:

“Get creative ! Use those vivid Mercury reader imaginations and come up with some uses for the parasites !”

“able-bodied pan-handling Hot Topic rejects panhandling take money from the genuinely unemployable insane homeless folks. They can die in a fire.”

Here’s my take on it: Portland’s street kids might not look so great, and you might not like them, but they have rights, too. There’s a Martin Luther King quote on the side of the Federal Courthouse, that reads: “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” So are we ready, as a city, to sweep the streets clean of a group of youth, no matter how pernicious, no matter how many of them have “fuck you” tattooed on their knuckles, just because we don’t like the look of them?

Plenty of people passing the kids yesterday said they were. One guy said, “I wish these kids were just dead,” and you know, I think many people in Portland privately share his opinion—they would rather these street kids didn’t exist. The Oregonian never showed up. And what about the Tribune? Perhaps they’d prefer these kids didn’t exist, too.

But they do exist, and they want to hear from the mayor. What does Tom Potter think about their “rights?” Is he prepared to enact an ordinance they don’t want…that potentially excludes them from hanging out downtown? And would you support that? Would you? Can Portland’s street kids really “die in a fire?”

Now, I’m usually the type of guy who waits until the “final six” to start watching American Idol, but with such horrific things happening on every single episode, how can I miss it?? After Simon and Ryan’s homophobic “gay-off” competition Tuesday night, last night’s episode featured a special performance by Dorian Gray… I mean DIANA ROSS—who was really, really, really not so good. I was fully expecting Randy to follow up her performance with “I dunno, dog. It was really pitchy… didn’t work for me.”
And hilariously, the people over at votefortheworst.com must be doing something right, because the absolutely adorable yet atrociously bad singer Sanjaya has been allowed to stay on for another mutually torturous week.
But perhaps the most torturous moment of all? Not only are the Idol contestants forced to sing abysmally bad songs, and then RE-sing them after they’re voted off, they also have to shoot commercials for the show’s advertisers. Check out this clip of the Idol Kids shilling for the Ford motor company, and even more horribly, singing the Modest Mouse song “Float On.” OMIGOD! It is so excruciatingly horrible you don’t know who to kill: the Idol Kids, Ford Motor Company, the producers, Modest Mouse, or yourself! In other words… it’s so horrifying, it’s AWESOME.

Day one in Austin Texas, and I have only seen one man in a thong-back, handing out flyers for his band. I also saw David Bryne (no word on his thong situation), who was probably handing out flyers for his favorite band or something.

Today’s plan is simple. Figure out how to justify dropping $42 on domestic beer last night, and see 16 bands play 16 different shows. Pray for me Portland, pray for me.

That’s what Chris Funk says, according to Starbucks Gossip… He says their CDs also sell at Walmart, but there are more important battles to fight. Also, for Portland spelling freaks, I couldn’t help noticing the bloody Albina Press is spelled wrong again. Unless someone is squashing people with melanin deficiencies, it’s ALBINA, not…

I never go there when I’m at home, though. At Portland, we have so many amazing roasteries. I’m looking out the window at my house, and I can see the Albino Press, which is this awesome independent coffee shop.

The mayor’s proposed sit/lie ordinance is attempting to exclude homeless street kids from downtown, using a process that has classified them as sub-human, according to the 60 homeless street kids protesting outside City Hall this afternoon.

“Unless we can talk with the mayor about this, unless he actually makes an effort to reach out to us,” said Jonny, 20, who organized the protest, “then he really does not care. They’re listening to business people, but they’re excluding us as not people.” Jared Spencer, public safety policy assistant to the mayor, discusses the sit/lie ordinance with the protestors this afternoon. “This is not about trying to exclude people from downtown,” he said.

More after the jump…

Say what you like about them, the way they look, how they dress, but downtown's homeless street kids spoke up for themselves against the sit/lie ordinance this afternoon.

After gathering in Waterfront Park, the group made its way to City Hall to ask why the city wants to make it illegal to sit or lie on the sidewalk. At around 4.15, Jonny, who refuses to give his last name, went up to the mayor's office to ask to speak to someone about the ordinance. In the mayor's office. "We just want somebody to tell us why this is going on," he said.MATTER OF PRINCIPLE: More protestors outside City Hall.

Jared Spencer, one of the mayor's staffers, emerged 20 minutes later. "This is about trying to address concerns people have about sidewalk access," he told the group. "We have people coming to us, saying it's a problem."

The protesters responded, "You're still saying we won't be allowed to sit on the sidewalk. What if we don't want to go to some day access center? We want to be able to sit on the sidewalk if we want to, and panhandle to make money."

Jonny gave Spencer the phone number of a homeless outreach center where he can be contacted, and took one of the staffer's cards. He wants to talk with the mayor personally about the ordinance, to communicate his concerns.

"I'm going to give them three days to respond," he told Blog Town. "And then give them a call and ask, why don't you want to talk to us? We're speaking up against this with our own voice. They shouldn't go asking business people or the people who run shelters what to do about the homeless, but people who are homeless themselves. Why aren't they asking us?"

Around 100 squatters’ rights protestors gathered in Waterfront park to protest the mayor’s proposed Sit/Lie ordinance are on their way to City Hall.

Many of the group are around twenty years of age, dressed in leather jackets with anarchist symbols emblazoned on the back and slogans such as “I HATE COPS, AND THAT MEANS YOU, COP…” But the atmosphere is surprisingly peaceful. Some are holding banners reading: “Sit/Lie Sits on My Rights.”

“I’m really surprised the police haven’t shown up,” says Jonny—one of the organizers, who refused to give his last name. But the group does not have a marching permit, which may present a problem.

At the risk of hyperbolizing, I feel comfortable in saying that I’m honored and thrilled to be alive in the era in which George Saunders is publishing books. I think the guy is a total force of nature who has completely revitalized the short story, and I can’t think of many other authors who I would be this excited to hear talk about the state of literature today. Which is great, since Saunders will be here tomorrow night with Mary Gaitskill to do just that. (Gaitskill is another amazing writer, most famous for having written the short story Secretary, which was made into the Maggie Gyllenhall movie.) The two of them will be at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, at 7:30 tomorrow night. Call for tickets at 227-2583.

Tomorrow’s edition of the Mercury has a great interview with Saunders, but if you want to get a little bit of a head start, this fansite is fairly staggering. His interviews are nearly as enjoyable as his books. Here are a couple samples from a recent 120 Questions With George Saunders.

3. Which government official gives you the biggest belly laughs?
Prince Vladistok of Romania, from the 14th Century. I have his mouldering corpse here in my study (thanks eBay!) and every time I look over at him, I just think, Vlad, wow, you crack me up.
36. Quick: Favorite song of the nineties?
“Forsooth Though We Dally, World War I is Yet Twenty-Five Years In the Future.”
59. Where do you get your ideas?
I take whatever the current administration is passionately asserting and invert it 180 degrees.
86. What’s in your wallet?
A small note I’ve written to myself, which reads: “If anyone asks you to answer 120 Questions, save yourself, keep your integrity, do not descend to reflexively smart-assed bantering with a Faceless Corporate Entity.”
Shoot. Wish I’d seen that a few days ago.

Trekkies creating their own episodes are finally getting around to producing a gay-themed episode of Star Trek. The original Star Trek’s multi-ethnic crew was pretty revolutionary for the ’60s, but the show always avoided dealing too directly with either gay characters or gay allegories, despite its willingness to deal with racial and political issues. Anyway, here’s an interesting story on the episode, which deals with Cap’n Kirk’s gay nephew and a “blood-borne pathogen” that’s an “allegory for AIDS.” I hope it’s as good as this:

Last fall, we wrote about what looked like a new-and-improved version of the city’s Yellow Bike program—and I even got to go for a ride on a bike that could be similar to the ones used. (Blogtown readers’ opinions were mixed, with many people loving the idea, but afraid it wouldn’t be feasible for Portland.)

Now, Commissioner Sam Adams’ office is preparing a “Request For Proposals” for the program—essentially, that’s an invitation to companies to come up with their best plans for the project. The office is looking for feedback from Portlanders on the RFP, like ideas on where the bike “kiosks” should be located and what the program should look like. The initial request is for 500 bikes, located primarily in downtown and other hub areas, with the possibility of 2,000 bikes if it’s successful.

Head on over to Adams’ blog for the details and a look at the RFP, then let their office know what you think.

When Isaiah Washington calls someone the “f-bomb” he gets sent to rehab. When Ann Coulter calls someone the “f-bomb” she gets raked over by Republicans, and fired from some of her syndicated newspapers. But when RYAN SEACREST and SIMON COWELL repeatedly call each other gay in front of a national TV audience on last night’s American Idol — well, apparently that’s okay. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE GAY.

What you say, spring skiing for FREE?! It’s time to play hookie!

Yep, get a FREE ALL-DAY lift ticket to Mt. Hood Skibowl and Timberline this Friday, March 16. It’s super easy… bring four cans of non-perishable food to either resort’s parking lot and you’ll be rewarded with a ski pass for your generousity. What a screaming deal—plus it helps out the Portland Police Bureau’s Sunshine Division, which is attempting to raise 8,000 pounds of food to donate to needy Portland families.

Timberline & Mt. Hood Skibowl
Friday, March 16
9 am-4 pm
4 cans of food = free lift ticket

At this morning’s session, city council rolled out the beginnings of a plan to give city grants to businesses to prop up the fledgling biodiesel market. Essentially, what that amounts to is grant money to get biodiesel plants and distributors up and running in Portland.

But before that could happen, Dan Saltzman had to introduce to the ordinance, which gives the Office of Sustainable Development the ability to enter contracts with the businesses that will get the cash.

Mustering up his best impression of Randy Leonard, the normally expressionless Saltzman began pounding the dais, saying, “I’ve been saying for a year that petroleum is a nonrenewable resource, and we’ve GOT to find an alternative.” City council lapsed into giggles before he could get much more blustery, and Leonard himself was beet red with barely contained laughter. Lest it be lost on anyone, Saltzman explained, “I was mimicking Randy.”

Leonard’s biodiesel bill surprised many people when it came up last year—since Saltzman has the Sustainable Development office, and is considered the “green” commissioner, Leonard’s leadership on the issue was unexpected, primarily because he was legislating for a bureau that’s not his. In the months since, though, both offices have worked together to move forward with renewable fuels, co-sponsoring the biodiesel grant money.

The specific recipients of the grants won’t be announced until early next week, but the money covers businesses “from the farm to the pump,” meaning that the money will go to help businesses along the entire chain, from biofuel crop producers to biodiesel plants to distribution and storage. A total of five businesses will get grants of up to $200,000—from a total pot of $650,000. According to OSD’s Susan Anderson, 14 businesses applied for the grants, requesting a total of $2 million—obviously, the city had much less to give.

Smaller grants will also be given to 15 gas stations to help them install biodiesel pumps.

To the shock of everyone at the council session this morning, neither Leonard nor Saltzman once mentioned the phrase “bridging the urban-rural divide,” which has become the second line in the biodiesel incantation.

Waterfront Park will play host to a group of squatters’ rights activists this afternoon, at 2.30—protesting against the mayor’s Sit/Lie ordinance, which, if it passes, will make sitting or lying on the sidewalk illegal downtown. The protest could all pass off without a fuss—the cops say they won’t be present unless there is illegal activity. But I got a phone call this morning describing the protest as “AN ANARCHIST ACTION.” What?! ANARCHY: Or not?

Not according to protest organizer Ohnny Milstein—who told the Mercury via email on Monday, “Homelessness is not a disease and is not an issue of financial interest. We must use our right to free speech, and convey to City of Portland officials that homelessness is a problem that will not simply be solved simply by sweeping the dirt under the carpet.”

That doesn’t sound like anarchy to me. But we’ll let you know what happens…

Howdy all. The news is a little late this morning because we were out doing some deep investigative work that I can’t reveal here. On to today’s stories:

George Bush stuck up for his buddy Al Gonzales, who oversaw the firings of several political enemies/federal prosecutors last week. Gonzales’ only defense was that he rejected an earlier proposal to fire all 93 US attorneys at once. No, seriously. He’s proud of his levelheadedness on that one.

Turns out that one of the side effects of taking Ambien and other sleeping pills is that they can make you start your car and drive around while you’re fast asleep. Hee-larious!

Introducing the Ohio’s worst 13-year-old: 128 felonies!

Tonya Harding was “tweaking out” last night and had the cops all up in her grill.

And finally, a study in the Online Journalism Review discovered something very interesting when they used eyetracking software to see how men and women viewed the same scenes:

As the circulation director here at the Mercury, I encounter more than my fair share of frustrating parking situations. People park like assholes weather it’s richie rich women parked in a loading zone so they can “get in & get out” of Pioneer Place or b-hole “contractors” blocking entire sections of the thoroughfare with their dual rear-wheeled penis sleds in order to “run in & out” of Carl’s Junior. Whatever the case, I usually feel alone in my seething rage, sometimes penning notes to stuff under wipers, or hocking especially emboogered loogies for the driver’s side handle—alone. Until now, that is. A genius has stepped up to the plate. Sweet relief thy name is youparklikeanasshole.com and I pledge to you my personal allegiance. For Life. Thank you.

PS Don’t miss the Super Duper Asshole Gallery. It’s priceless.

Check out this heelarioso clip of an 80s union PSA, in which the guy recording the clip thought it would be funny if he provided an alternate voice over. And he’s right, IT IS! (In a very NSFW kind of way.)

Tips to Gorilla Mask!