Oh! Hello, news. Good morning. Yeah, I slept fine. You? Great. Now, if you could just be a gentleman and show yourself out—see, I’ve got a…uhhhh…meeting. First thing. No, no. I’ll just grab some breakfast on the way to the office. I promise I’ll call you. No, really.

Everybody’s catching global warming fever! The European Union, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sports Illustrated, and even—wha whaaa whaaaaaa?—George W. Bush.

It’s not all good news for Bush in South America, though. Looks as if Brazilians like him just about as much as we do.

If ever I’m the victim of a hold up, please let it be by a pair of strippers. As long as they have a better nickname than “The Barbie Bandits.” Maybe something like “The Hooter Heisters” or “The Lapdance Lifters” or “The Mamburglers.”

Remember our good friends in China, the ones who Defense Secretary Robert Gates says aren’t a threat? Maybe not to us, but if you’re a Tibetan Buddhist, you will continue to be fucked. And it’s going to get worse.

Surprise! Bush will probably veto any Democrat plan to finally end our occupation of Iraq.

How do you spell “fucking hypocrite”? N-E-W-T.

Ann Coulter continues to catch shrapnel from her “f-bomb,” with at least three newspapers dropping her column. Thank god for the free market.

Yesterday, Sam Adams gave the Oregonian the scoop on his decision to oppose the form of government ballot change. Today, he’s got an editorial in the same paper, laying out his position more explicitly. Just a couple of weeks ago, he expressed that it might be a conflict of interest to take a position on the ballot measures.

And in Fresno, CA news, I catch some misguided shit from Fresno Bee columnist Bill McEwen for a Hall Monitor column I wrote in January. Bill, if you like Fresno so much, by all means, stay there.