For lovers of truly bizarro television, don’t miss tonight’s season premiere of DANCING WITH THE STARS (8 pm, ABC) featuring Billy Ray Cyrus, Joey Fatone, Leeza Gibbons, Ian “90210” Ziering and more! You can read a bunch more about why this show is so incredibly freaky in this week’s edition of I Love Television, but in a nutshell, the reason you should watch is to see if HEATHER MILLS LEG WILL FALL OFF. As you know, Heather Mills is going though a really icky divorce with really icky Beatle member PAUL McCARTNEY. Plus? She has a wooden leg! Now some may think that missing a leg could interfere with her attempts at winning a dancing competition, but if you are a student of American reality television, then you already know that if she plays her cards right, she could win the entire thing. Why? Because America doesn’t give a shit about who’s best, they’re going to vote for the person they like the most or feel sorry for. YOU CAN BET ON IT.
And, if you don’t want to bet on that, then how about betting whether Heather’s leg will fall off during the competition? Over at Bodog.com—an online betting site— they bet on ANYTHING: sports, poker, even reality TV shows like Survivor, the Pussycat Dolls, American Idol, and now, Dancing with the Stars. And lately they’ve actually been taking bets on whether or not Heather’s leg will fall off during the competition. Here are the rules:

Heather Mills’ leg must fall off, not be purposely taken off, during a dance routine for all Yes wagers to be graded a Win. Max $50.

Since the show is already being recorded on the East Coast, all betting is closed. But you can still bet amongst yourselves! Will you vote for…

Or will you vote for…