It’s morning, and that means it’s time for the world to start trying to remember just what the hell it did last night. How did it get home? Where’s the car parked? Who is this stranger in the bed? Why is there underwear hanging from the ceiling fan?

Like a handful of Advil and a greasy breakfast, the Mercury is here to help those awful memories come rolling back.

Sacramento Kings Forward Guard Ron Artest went and got himself arrested on domestic violence charges. Some people are speculating that it had something to do with the stupid “Kings” logo shaved into the back of his head, which he was sporting at last Saturday’s Blazers game. And by “some people,” I mean “me.”

A Canadian study has shown that the best way to relieve pain in children is with ibuprofen. The best way to relieve pain in adults: birth control.

The Nielsen Company has revealed that videogames penetrate 41 percent of American homes. In a follow-up study, it was reported that 91 percent of videogame players have never penetrated anything.

Ann Coulter—the horse-faced mascot of the far right—continues her campaign against common human decency, explaining that the recent homophobic slur she threw at John Edwards was inoffensive because John Edwards isn’t gay. Shockingly, Fox News remains the only media outlet in the world that has no problem including the “f-bomb” in a news headline.

But in more life-affirming news, it looks like Coulter’s website has lost some advertisers over her slurs, including Verizon, Sallie Mae, and NetBank. It’s not the first time her big mouth has caused someone to pull out.

Dick Cheney has a blood clot in his leg. It should go nicely with the Bush clot in his ass.

Feeling better yet? I know I am! Anyone care to join me for a 7:15 cocktail?