They didn’t screen Next for critics in time for us to get a review in the paper, and now it’s obvious why. Loosely based on a Philip K. Dick story and starring Nicolas “Fresh Off of Ghost Rider” Cage, Next is about a dipshit (Cage) who can see into the future—well, he sort of can, but he’s not very good at it, and it doesn’t prove very useful, and by the end of the film, one really just wishes that Hollywood could see a bit more accurately into the future, so that when they greenlight films like this, they can tell ahead of time if they’re going to be a complete waste of everyone’s time. Anyway, our web-exclusive review is now up. Oh, Nicolas Cage. When will you learn?