Some days, the news outlook is bleak. One peep at the headlines is enough to prove that while life is horrifying and painful, the upshot is that you’ll probably be killed tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Police identify the killer of 32 Virginia Tech students—it was apparently Cho Seung-Hui, “a 23-year-old South Korean national and resident alien.” Here’s what White House mouthpiece Dana Perino said: “This is a tragedy that was felt around the world,” Perino said. “Today is a time to focus on the families, the school and the community. The facts of the case need to unfold.”

Another tragedy felt around the world: At least 37, but perhaps as many as 56, people were killed in Karbala, Iraq over the weekend during a bombing near the city’s holy shrine. Another 168 people were wounded. Oh, you hadn’t heard anything about it? I guess only American tragedies are felt “around the world.” (As a side note, can anyone tell me what Karbala’s significance is in the Shia/Sunni split? Anyone?)

Pet food brand Natural Balance has recalled its venison cat and dog food, after reports of vomiting and kidney problems. Sadly, the recall came too late to save Bambi’s mom.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates says he’s “hopeful” about American prospects in Iraq—not the first time the faith-based Bush Administration has broken with common sense and the opinion of the majority, which believes we’re actually going to lose.

And finally, cured meats apparently lead to a higher risk for lung disease.