Another week, another astoundingly diverse round up of this week’s Best of the Blog—for those of you who actually work during business hours instead of goofing off on BlogTown.

READ! You know you want to: Alison reminds us that The Babysitters Club is the bomb, as is the hilarious blog about them.

SMOKE! Marijuana! (Just not, ironically, at Hempstalk. Is it just me or does it really really seem like they should call it HempstOCk?)

WEAR! Acid washed black denim. Or don’t. Probably don’t.

DON’T SMOKE! (Cigarettes, that is. Especially if you’re in a movie.)

COOK! All your meals at home instead of dealing with all this crap!

MARRY! Er… DOMESTICATE!

ASK! A Brit! No seriously, ask Matt the Brit something. Already covered: Kippers and the BBC.

WALK! Your dog over to the store for one of these. (Shudder.)

DON’T TRY TO INVENT ALTERNATIVE FUEL SOURCES WITH A PRESSURE COOKER IN YOUR APARTMENT!! (Apparently, that needed to be said.)

BE GRATEFUL! You’re not in iraq, like this guy.

DEBATE! Does the fixie vs non-fixie bike discussion ever fail to stimulate?

WATCH! The Drinky Crow Show! Now on Adult Swim!

ENJOY! The rest of your weekend. See you Monday morning, fools.

You know what my big problem with the zoo here is? NOT ENOUGH SPIDER-MAN. I mean, when I go to the zoo, do I go there to see monkeys or bears or yaks or elephants? NO. I go to see some dude dressed up as Spider-Man, goddammit. FINALLY, those guys at the Oregon Zoo are getting the point. FINALLY. The sort-of-enlightening press release:

MARVEL COMICS’ SPIDER-MAN At the Oregon Zoo Saturday, May 12 Time: 10 a.m. - 3 p.m. The amazing Spider-Man swings by the zoo for autographs and photos to help kick off our summer of Backyard Habitat activities. Free with zoo admission.

I kind of hope it’s this guy. Also I kind of hope he’s fighting a tiger and/or riding an elephant.

I’m not sure if you are watching the NBA playoffs, but you really should.

Or, at the very least, you should watch anything to do with The Golden State Warriors and their star player, the handsomely bearded Baron Davis. The Warriors are the supreme underdog team and they play absolutely chaotic basketball, making every moment of their games just as thrilling as the final seconds.

They are down 2-0 to the Fightin’ Mormons of Utah, but tonight’s game is in Oakland, and shit’s gonna get crazy. If you are a hoops fan, or just a novice, it’s in your best interest to watch this team play. Tip-off is at 6pm on ESPN.

Need something to get you through that last hour until the weekend? You could do worse than watch a few clips from Funny or Die…

There’s been a lot of talk about voting on this blog, but the Unpaid Intern took it upon himself to visit the front lines of the voting world to see what it’s really like out there.

Spending an hour outside of the Elections Building—located on 1040 SE Morrison just in case you don’t know where it is, which seems to be the case with only 12 percent of people casting their votes so far—it not as bad as it sounds. It’s actually quite quiet, besides the cars and buses flying by, since there was no one to talk to.

In over an hour I talked to two people dropping off their ballots. I asked the first man if he was voting, to which he responded “yes.” But when I identified myself as someone from the Mercury and asked if he cared to talk about how he chose to vote, he simply responded, “no,” and kept walking.

The second man, Scott Hoelscher, took time to chat about the issues he saw as the most important, mainly the strong mayor initiative.
“I can see compelling arguments on both sides,” said Hoelscher. “But I just wasn’t comfortable with putting more power in the hands of the mayor.”

It’s a busy, busy weekend, I know. You certainly won’t have much time to do laundry. You know what takes less time than waiting for the crappy dryer in your apartment building that takes an hour and 20 minutes to completely dry a mid-sized load? Buying new clothes. So stop by Nolita (923 NW 10th) all day tomorrow for the following deals: 15% off when you buy 1 item; 20% off when you buy 2; and 30% off 3 or more, plus if you spend $500 or more (sure, I do that all the time), you get a $50 gift certificate. Nolita is mostly known for its big selection of jeans for both men and women, and they always have the latest hot-shit label, but the rest of their apparel is actually my favorite. They always have really awesome casual staple tops in yummy soft cottons that you will wonder after purchasing how you ever made it through a week of dressing without. personally I always seem to go for the pieces by Velvet. Just sayin’. For instance this one, which I wore to work two days ago:

The latest word from John Kauffman, Multnomah County’s elections director, isn’t improving my mood about this Tuesday’s final turnout.

“Based on what we’ve seen so far, we’ll be lucky if we hit 20 percent,” he told me. His specific prediction is 19 percent, based on previous turnout numbers. That’s about average with off-year special elections (for, say, school board races), “but I thought the City of Portland’s charter change measures would have brought in more voters.”

Guess not.

“You never know, though,” Kauffman continued, “there could be a big push by the charter campaigns this weekend, and there could be a surge in the last couple of days.”

Not holding my breath.

Still, it’s better than it was before vote by mail. “I remember special elections years ago [before 2000] where some precincts had turnouts in the single digits. It doesn’t feel great to say that 20 percent is a pretty good turnout, but it could be worse.”

Full disclosure: I haven’t turned in my ballot yet, because I don’t want to be taken off of campaign mailer/phone call rolls, in case something interesting comes in that I should report about. I’m hand-delivering mine Monday afternoon.

Although they are going to be covered in next week’s paper, I’m posting a song from Lavender Diamond right now, because their whimsical pop music is a perfect fit for a lovely day like today. There’s no telling what the weather is going to be like next week, and I’m not going to risk it.

Lavender Diamond - Open Your Heart

Lavender Diamond will be at the Doug Fir on Monday May 21. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Dan Savage may call himself a “columnist,” and be all “syndicated” (shaping twenty-first century cultural attitudes to sex and sexuality, blah blah blah) but I bet it’s rare for even him to get as many pleas for advice as I have over the last few days. I’m talking, of course, in my capacity as the Mercury’s resident Brit adviser. Email your questions on Britishness to: askabrit@portlandmercury.com. On, then, to the one question I have been asked so far. Dave Lister asks:

So have you eaten kippers? Are they like eating a hairbrush? My dad said they were. He was born in Canada but his folks all came across in 1912. Dad always wanted steak and kidney pie, but my mom refused to cook it for him. Dave Lister

Kippers are herrings split lengthwise, and smoked, usually eaten hot with bread and butter. The ideal kipper has a refined and homely smokiness, but of a subtleness dwarfed by most American flavors. It is best eaten with a cup of tea, for breakfast, perhaps on a Sunday, while reading the newspaper.

Most Brits enjoy kippers often although the fish do contain thousands of tiny bones, which I imagine is why Dave Lister’s dad described them as like “eating a hairbrush.” Fair, Dave, but then Brits don’t mind making an effort when they’re eating, and are happy to sacrifice convenience in return for a more complex experience. In fact, the difficulty of eating Kippers appeals to many Brits’ deep sense of social masochism: If eating kippers were just plain enjoyable, why do it?

On the other hand given that most Americans would prefer to hook up high-sugar feeding tubes and forget altogether about the concept of “chewing,” Dave, your father is to be commended for trying. It’s also a shame he never got his steak and kidney pie—which when well-made is delicious with its fatty pastry crust and plenty of medicinal kidneys, interrupted occasionally by the odd soggy wodge of beef. Mmmm.

Tempted? You can buy inferior kippers at Wholefoods but for the real deal, you would have to go to an English supermarket or better still, an old fishing town like Whitby. Sadly, I don’t think the airfare would be worth it for the kippers alone, but if you get a chance to try one while in Britain for some other purpose, please do.

I’m obviously not a vegetarian, but meat is not actually a huge part of my diet, and I rarely cook it. Which is why tomorrow I will be attending Portland VegFest 2007, a two-day festival devoted to meatless living. The cruelty-free fun kicks off tonight, with keynote speaker Dr. T. Colin Campbell (professor of nutritional biochemistry at Cornell and author of The China Study, a twenty-year nutritional study which concluded that plant-based diets are far healthier than animal-based ones), and continues all day tomorrow with cooking demos (“Soy 101: Simple, Yet Delectable Tofu Recipes”, “Cooking With the Nut Gourmet”), nutrition workshops, speakers, and more. And free samples. Did I mention the free samples?

Also, this guy will be there.

Fri 6:15 pm, $5-10 sliding scale, Sat 10 am-6 pm, $5;
Benson High School, 546 NE 12th. There’s a coupon for $1 off admission on the website, and kids 10 and under are free on Saturday!

Every once in a while, one of our stories somehow finds a national audience, and we start getting deluged with emails from around the country. Normally, this happens when we criticize some crappy band that all the mall-going emo kids love, or when we advocate for humane treatment of circus elephants, or when one of us decides to kill a sheep and write about it.

This, though, might be my favorite out-of-town letter of all time, if only for the potentially incorrect use of the adjective “luciferous”:

Dear Editor of the Portland Mercury,

It’s time America stop persecuting responsible adult cannabis (kaneh bosm / marijuana) users (Buzz Kill, May 10, 2007). A large growing percentage of citizens consider American cannabis laws irrational, anti-Christian and luciferous. One reason to stop persecuting humans for using the God-given plant cannabis that doesn‘t get mentioned is because it‘s Biblically correct since Christ God Our Father (The Ecologician) indicates He created all the seed-bearing plants, saying they are all good, on literally the very first page. The only Biblical restriction placed on cannabis is that it is to be accepted with thankfulness (see 1 Timothy 4:1-5).

Truthfully,

Stan White

Dillon, Colorado

It’s true, man. Even Jesus used pot. I read it on the internet.

In case I haven’t hammered you over the head with this enough, there’s a bitchin’ rad shindig going down at Acme (1305 SE 8th) this Tuesday evening at 7pm. It’s all about digital politics, and how technology is transforming campaigns, and it’s being put together by The Bus Project and Loaded Orygun, with help from little ol’ us.

Since the last ad—er, I mean, blog post—I put up, there’s been two new additions to the panel, which already includes our Amy J. Ruiz, BlueOregon.com’s Kari Chisholm, and MoveOn.org’s Anna Galland, plus journalist David Sirota as moderator. The new additions: famed blogger David Goldstein, aka “Goldy,” of Seattle’s HorsesAss.org, and Rick Ray of Onward Oregon.

Plus, drinking, and hanging out afterwards to talk about the election. OMG. I can pretty much guarantee that this will be more fun than your weekly D&D meet up.

This image is 666 pixels high. Coincidence?

Football Should Only Be Played By Americans!

I know it’s a mean thing to say, but when other countries start playing football, things go seriously wrong. For example, take the Glasgow Diamonds American Football team, whose promotional video will ruin both sports, and music, forever.

I meant to post this ages ago—instead, I’ve been selfishly hogging it, rewatching this super fun video of Scream Club’s Toi et Moi whenever I need a little boost. Portland’s own Ali Cotterill of Astro Films made it in the inner Eastside industrial district. The song is catchy as all hell (even if you don’t know French), and will have you dancing in no time. Watch closely for cameos by DK PDXers, Sissyboys, and other local notables!

From The New York Times:

LOS ANGELES, May 10 — WARNING: Smoking may be hazardous to your movie rating.

In a significant change to its movie ratings system, the Motion Picture Association of America on Thursday said portrayals of smoking would be considered alongside sex and violence in assessing the suitability of movies for young viewers. Films that appear to glamorize smoking will risk a more restrictive rating, and descriptions of tobacco use will be added to the increasingly detailed advisories that accompany each rated film.

Antismoking groups, already successful in much of the country in banning smoking in bars, restaurants and other public places, have ratcheted up the pressure on Hollywood in recent years to purge movies of images that might promote tobacco use. Some have even demanded that virtually any film with smoking be rated R, shutting out those under 17 unless they are accompanied by a parent or adult guardian.

Thoughts, anyone? (Mine can be summed up pretty neatly: Wow. This is retarded.)

Looking at the numbers, chances are pretty good that you haven’t turned in your special election ballot yet. As of right now—four days from “Election Day”—the county elections office has received ballots from only 12 percent (46,672) of registered voters.

That means that those big decisions, like whether to change the city’s form of government, and giving city council budget authority over the PDC, are being made by someone other than you.

And guess what? You really might not like the decisions they make. Do you really want people like the Portland Business Alliance deciding how much power the mayor and unelected officials should have? Because you can bet all of their members will turn out to vote, and you can bet that all that money they’ve given on the pro-change campaign wasn’t spent in order to make sure you, regular citizen, have a stronger voice in city hall.

So vote, dammit! At this point, you’ll probably need to drop your ballot off instead of mailing them in, to make sure they get received by Tuesday. Here’s a list of official drop-off sites.

While we’re waiting for you to fill out your ballot, the rest of us should head over to FuriousNads.com, where The One True b!X has crunched the numbers based on previous elections, and is predicting that turnout will be between 15 and 21 percent. No matter how you look at it, that’s a frighteningly small number of people to be deciding how our city should be governed.

This completely freaks me out:

I live in NE Portland, and have for 4 years. I love this city, especially the fact that it is so dog friendly. When there was a series of poisonings in the parks, my heart broke for all those who so needlessly suffered. The overwhelming call to arms and support that Portland showed in response to that incident is why I am writing you. Two weeks ago to the day my dog Sarah Bear was stolen just blocks from my house. She has been my best friend, companion and loved member of my family for over 10 years now. I had a search and rescue unit come to my neighborhood and do a thorough search for her. Her scent ended on a sidewalk near my house which was confirmation for the rescue team that she had been picked up in a car. She was wearing a collar and ID tag with her name and my contact information on it. I have since received numerous calls from people saying they have her, or that they know where she is and they have all resulted in dead ends, or more harassing phone calls, the police can do nothing. So I have searched everywhere I could think, canvased the area, posted flyers, internet profiles, you name it. Someone has her and I will not give up until I find her. I am planning a fundraiser/awareness party likely at the Blue Monk or Berbatis. I already have some very well known local bands, artist, and concerned friends all willing to donate their time, money and talents to raise awareness and a reward and increase the possibilty of her safe return.

I NEED YOUR HELP.

I want the whole city to know she is missing and that she has a home and a family anxiously awaiting her return. I would be willing to do more research to expand the depth and range of this story in hopes that we can prevent this from happening again, or stop those that commit these crimes. Any advice, suggestions, support or help might make the difference in finding her.
Sincerely yours,
Greg Price
503-407-9617

For crying out loud, if anyone knows anything, call this guy.

This letter landed in our inboxes a day or two ago—from Aaron, a Portlander currently stationed in Iraq. He wants to dispel a few misconceptions about those in the military, and what it’s like over there… with his permission, I’ve posted the entire thing here. It’s an interesting perspective. I’ll be sending him the link, so post any questions you’ve got in the comments, and perhaps he’ll have a chance to answer.

My name is Aaron. I am currently on an all expenses paid trip to the “Birthplace of Civilization,” otherwise known as Iraq. I’m in the Army National Guard, and live in Downtown Portland.

I am wondering, I haven’t seen or heard about any stories about Iraq from you for quite some time. Granted, I’ve been away since July of 06. I think there is a misconception about those of us who have joined the military and are here doing what we are doing. I was able to come home on leave a few months ago, and how I was treated was about 50/50.

Let’s start with the bad (because it’s always more fun):

While home, I was called everything from a hate-monger, baby-killer and right wing Antichrist. This from the people who believe they are enlightened and peaceful. Many of whom read this paper (a paper, I might add, I’ve been reading myself for many years). I want to make the record clear on this subject. Not everyone who joins the military is a right-winged hate-monger bent on the destruction of everything and anything in their path. I did not join the military to go to some foreign wasteland and blow the fuck out of Hajji. I don’t enjoy the sand storms, the constant smoke in the air from car bombs and IEDs, or the rocket and mortar rounds that fall from the sky while I’m taking a shit in the port-o-john. And then to come home and have people who know nothing about me, verbally spit in my face… well it upsets me. I would like to think it’s because they are mis-informed, or completely un-informed.

I recently ran into another soldier from Oregon. He was from Roseburg, and when I told him I was from Portland, he said something along the lines of, “how can you stand living with all those liberal hippies. If someone like that came to my town, they’d get their asses kicked.” I went on to inform him that I am one of those liberal hippies, and he was more than welcome to try to kick my ass. I let him know that people like him were the reason the liberal and independent people in the northwest, and across the nation, think so low of the military.

I guess you would call me an Independent. I’m very liberal on issues like Abortion, Gay rights and Immigration. But on issues like gun control….. I’m a firm believer that if guns kill people, then pens misspell words and spoons made Rosie O’Donald fat. The only thing that changed about me after joining the military was; I quit smoking pot, I got into better shape, and I’ve grown more confident in myself (that and I can take apart and put back together a .50 cal machine-gun in under 2 minutes).

The rest is after the jump:

I have learned a lot from my time in the military. I have seen a lot, and let me tell you, what you see on CNN or hear on NPR is not what this whole war is about. It's not all what the military does. The press only looks at the bad.... "X" amount of people have been killed..... the newest leader of whatever extremist group has said this. But what the news never shows is people risking their lives to rebuild a school in Sadr city, dodging bullets and RPGs while putting up walls. Or the groups of kids who follow convoys, hoping to get some candy or a soccer ball. Or the countless hundreds of Iraqis who risk their life working for US contractors so they can feed their family. You never hear reports on the news about the countless rescue missions, American soldiers risking their life to rescue Iraqi doctors from terrorists.

I think that if people heard this, they'd be more supportive of us. I hear people saying this has turned into another Vietnam. They say we should look at history, so we do not repeat it. I agree, but there is something else that made Vietnam fail... lack of support for the people fighting there. I have family that were in Vietnam, and to them it didn't matter that the public did not support the war. It was the people who spit in their faces and called them hateful names when they returned. This is the piece of history that everyone needs to focus on. Personally, I don't care if you support the war or not, all I ask is that people support the soldiers that are over there. We are here, weather we like it or not, but all we ask from the people back home is for their support and well wishes.

I'm sorry for the length of this letter, but I felt it necessary to explain some things, and I hope I've gotten my point across. Also understand, this is not about everyone, this is about a small group of people who seem to be mis-guided about the type of people in the military.

Do with this letter what you will, I just hope it changes the point of view of some. If I've enlightened just one person, I'll feel I've done a good job. Feel free to reply to me if you have any questions, I know I've gone off on a little rant here and there, but if you need anything cleared up let me know.

Thank you for your time.

You’ve heard about how ABC is turning the Geico “Caveman” commercials into a half-hour long sitcom, right? And you just know it’s going to blow, right? Turning a commercial into an actual TV show is always a bad idea… unless of course, it’s a termite extermination commercial featuring midg… ummmm… “little people” dressed up as the characters from Star Trek.
If this was an actual show? I would never stop watching it.

Tip o’ the hat to Gorilla Mask!

Friday is here at last, and for those of you not already intoxicated on something, (it’s 9.11am! what do you mean you want to be “productive?”) here’s the last news you’ll be able to make sense of until Monday. Speaking of intoxication…

1. Oxy-con-artists: Makers of the “painkiller” Oxycontin have been found guilty of misbranding it, making claims that it was less likely to be abused than traditional drugs like Vicodin and Percocet. The problem? It wasn’t. I’ve just chewed one and now, it feels like I’m on the set of an early nineties Depeche Mode video.MAKE MINE A BLUE ONE…

2. Mormon abortion flip-flopper Mitt Romney tries to convince Conservative Christians he’s a safe bet for President, having already won over so-called “liberal” Portlanders. So it goes!

3. A Wichita mother has been indicted for selling her teenage daughter for $3000. Warning: This is a very creepy story.

4. Tony Blair to meet Bush, looking for a “happy ending” to his doomed tenure as British Prime Minister. Warning: This story is perhaps creepier than the last.

5. Russia’s riot police indulge in a bizarre show of strength to deter “troublemakers,” fuelling fears that Vladimir Putin’s regime is lurching further into the shadows of its former democracy. Portland Police Chief, Rosie Sizer, does not say: “we could learn a thing or two from their techniques.”

6. City Commissioner Randy Leonard votes the wrong way, by accident. Admits it, allowing everybody to move on. Although perhaps not quite yet…

Have an OXYCONTING weekend, Blogtownies!

I’d bet if there were a worldwide poll taken on what Portland is all about, the top 2 things we’d be associated with (among those who had even heard of us) are 1: Coffee, and 2: Environmentalism. I’m as sick as the next person of the increasing micromanagement of the green movement, which every day seems to reveal at least one new thing that’s ruining the planet. I’m tired of problems, I want to hear some solutions, and not ones that involve me starting an organic garden in my nonexistent backyard with my nonexistent free time out of which I will make my own hemp clothing using my nonexistent sewing expertise, and so on and so forth. Portland Roasting, then, is about to offer one such small, simple solution: the “ecotainer” coffee cup made from renewable materials and a corn-based liner, 100% biodegradable. Justin Sanders can finally chill out. Look for them at locations around town as of this month.

Leather Storrs’ much-anticipated new restaurant, Rocket, opened last weekend on the fourth floor of the same bright-red East Burnside building that houses the Chesterfield. I swung by last night to check it out—didn’t eat much, but I’ve heard so much about the schmancy Leeds Platinum building (energy efficient, rooftop garden, etc) that I wanted to nose around a bit.

And… the space sure is purty. The interior is very clean, very simple—surprisingly small—with huge windows flaunting an absolutely amazing view of downtown. There’s also a little patio perched out over Burnside, which is where we sat. The weather wasn’t quite cooperative—it wasn’t too windy on the ground, but four stories up things get a little blustery—but the view is well worth any subsequent time spent picking cabbage out of your hair (YES, I got coleslaw in my hair. It was windy!).

More impressions plus the menu after the jump

I'm not going to say much about the food or drinks 'cause they just opened and that just doesn't seem sporting. Cocktails feature inventive ingredients like taramind caramel syrup, black tea concentrate, and more... My Dark and Stormy (rum, ginger beer, lime) was dope. Foodwise I just had a crispy pork "pocket rocket;" an open-faced sandwich served on a toasty roll. No complaints, a good portion size at $7. You could easily drop some serious change on a full meal, but it's also possible to get in and out for under $15.

The menu is divided into three sections

PREFIX
red greens & breadcrumbs w/vinaigrette or goat cheese, $8
warm asparagus and mushroom salads $13
rhubarb, radish, pea shoots & beets w/rice wine vinaigrette, $12
butter lettuce, fennel & olive w/orange& cauliflower dressing, $10
lettuce, pee soup (heh), $8
cottage cheese tart with tomato jam, $7
rocket rolls (the server explained that these are essentially brioche buns made by the... Pearl bakery, I wanna say) $6
avocado in a shrimp shell, $13
chicken gizzards on a stick with honey-mustard cabbage, $11
rocket steak: sauteed beef on toast, rocket (arugla) and fried onion, $12
crisp dumplings and mixed mushrooms, $15
potato pierogies with catfish, carroway, and fried beets, $16

MATRIX (these all come with a choice of two sides: asparagus, mashed potatoes, roasted beets, fries, etc)

braised beef rib-red wine jus, $18
grilled spencer-shallot sauce, $24
broasted pork shoulder-marsala jus, $20
breaded pork cutlet-caper brown butter, $18
lemon pepper chicken, $18
grilled duck breast-fig sauce, $22
sauteed trout-almonds and sherry, $19
poached salmon-tarragon &breadcrumbs, $21
roasted onion filled with pearl couscous & mushrooms-rocket puree, $16

RX
hamburger & fries, $10
lamb corndog, $7
tongue hotdog, $7
scrapple, $5
grilled beef ribs, $10
pocket rockets (sandwiches)- shrimp, chickpea fritter, or crispy pork, $7

Now here’s a curious thing. At yesterday’s council session, Commissioner Randy Leonard voted FOR the sit/lie ordinance, despite having raised civil liberties concerns over it the previous week. So Dan Handelman of Portland Copwatch wrote him today to ask why:

Commissioner Leonard,

A few of us who watched the vote on the Sidewalk Obstructions vote yesterday were wondering why you voted against the oversight committee (last week) and yet for the ordinance (this week) when you appeared to be concerned with civil liberties issues in the ordinance. Thanks, Dan Handelman

“I momentarily made an error,” he tells the Mercury. “I was reading something in front of me and thought I was voting on that. I wasn’t paying attention.”

Leonard waited until the next ordinance had passed (by which time, we had stopped paying attention, too) and went back and changed his vote, to “no,” on the sit/lie ordinance. Yes, it still passed, but the mayor cannot claim the vote was unanimous. I’m sure Scott Moore will be able to tell us later whether this is unusual or not. But it’s nice to get a straight answer to a straight question from City Hall for a change.

Matt’s out reporting, but I didn’t want this to wait for his return, so I’m posting it for him. District Attorney Mike Schrunk wrote in, in response to Matt’s post calling the DA out for not filing charges against fire bureau lieutenant Robert Bedgood.

Mr. Davis:

In response to your voicemail message that I received today, attached is the no complaint memo pertaining to the case.

I believe this will answer your questions.

Very truly yours,

MICHAEL D. SCHRUNK
District Attorney

The entire memo can be downloaded here, but this is the gist of it:

Conclusion: Factually, there is sufficient evidence to potentially prosecute both [Terry] DeGeorge and Bedgood for their conduct on January 11, 2007. In practice, however, the fact that DeGeorge and Bedgood share dual roles of both victim and defendant in the same case weighs against prosecution. The prosecution of either individual will require the testimony of the other.

Through their attorneys, DeGeorge and Bedgood have expressed to this office that neither wishes to pursue criminal charges against the other individual. Additionally, DeGeorge, through his attorney, has also indicated that he is seeking a civil resolution to the incident through litigation with the City of Portland.

Although a complainant’s wishes can never be the sole factor in assessing the state’s interest in pursuing a criminal prosecution, in this case, given the facts and circumstances outlined above, the parties desire to avoid criminal prosecution and to seek resolution in a civil context weighs against filing charges. This matter between DeGeorge and Bedgood can best be handled by the legal representatives of the two people involved and those of the Portland Fire Bureau through the City of Portland.

Will Shortz—The New York Times crossword editor, NPR puzzle master, and affable subject of the crossword documentary Wordplay—is in town this tonight for a Portland Arts and Lectures gig. The Mercury caught up with him to pick that puzzling brain of his.

Check him out tonight at the First Congregational Church (1126 SW Park), at 7:30 pm. More info at the Portland Arts and Lectures site. Will tells me he’ll be doing plenty of audience participation, a la the kinds of puzzles he airs on NPR. Eat a dinner that will make you sharper, before you hit this event.

And now, a word (or several) with Will:

Got any crossword tips?

If you have an answer in the grid, fill in what you know and build out from there. Use the more unusual letter for the crossing answers—those will help more—like a J, K, or Q. If you have an answer in the grid that’s not crossing with anything, consider the possibility it’s wrong. Don’t hesitate to guess, but don’t hesitate to erase something if it’s not working out. If you get stuck, put the puzzle down and come back later.

So do you do your puzzles in pen or pencil?

I’m a pen guy, usually. I like the way it rolls across the paper.

You don’t need to do much erasing?

Ha! I write over if I have to.

(I wish we had a “girls-only” tag.)

I just found an excellent reason to do no more actual work this afternoon: BSC Headquarters, where “Tiff” blogging her way through the Baby-sitters Club books. I realize this will only be of interest to a small percentage of Blog Townies, but, whatever. Like I care about charter reform.

So, I THOUGHT I remembered those books. Claudia hides candy bars and wears funky earrings, Stacey makes diabetes seem glamorous, Dawn has glowing skin because she eats a lot of tofu…

But the recaps of each book bring back the details. The crushes, the fashion, the weird kids they baby sit for, all summarized with appropriately snarky commentary (“I don’t care if Candy Land is boring, Kristy. You’re the fucking babysitter. Get over yourself.”). Tiff also deconstructs each cover, a pretty hilarious exercise—especially since I do remember pouring over those covers as a kid trying to decide which sitter was prettiest. (“Okay, so the cover question: “Is Stacey’s friend Laine super mature or just a super snob?” I think it should say: “What’s with the bitch-face, Sweetheart?”). Good stuff.

Two years after the Mercury hosted a forum for motorcycle and scooter riders to air their concerns in front of elected officials, the city council voted yesterday to create a Motorcycle and Scooter Citizen Advisory Committee.

The five-member committee—once formed—will help the Portland Department of Transportation develop policies that keep the city’s roads safe and open to motorized two-wheeled vehicles.

The ad hoc group that’s already formed—featuring members of the Sang Froid Riding Club and others—have already put their homework together, with a list of stats (there was a 41 percent increase in new motorcycle licenses between 2001 and 2005, scooter sales have skyrocketed in only a year, etc.) as well as short-term and long-term goals.

First up is compiling all of the information they’ve collected about ridership, usage types, and accident sites, and come up with a plan for more sensible parking (more spaces, duh, and a reasonable meter policy, like prepaid parking decals). Long term goals include increased training and changes to statewide laws like lane-sharing.

Clearly, the city’s attention to bicycles and bicycle safety has paid off for the non-motorized bikers—the idea is to bring the same attention to motorcycles before increased ridership leads to street safety problems.

KGW apparently had a story on it last night—I watched them getting ready to film the segment on the street, starring biker Patrick Leyshock, which was pretty amusing—but the segment is nowhere on their site. Shame, because I would like to have seen how they covered it.

Advocates are planning another forum in the coming month or so, this time to talk about what the advisory committee can and should accomplish. We’ll be sure to let you know more as we find out.

Thanks to AICN, who pointed out that Michael Bay’s official site has some hi-res images available of the Transformers from… ah… Transformers. (This post is largely for music editor Ezra Ace Caraeff, who’s been complaining for weeks that despite his best efforts and liberal use of frame-by-frame pausing, he can’t make out the Transformers’ detailed anatomy in any of the previews thus far.)

Also, poking around on Bay’s official site is pretty hilarious. There are unintentionally funny bits about MySpace snafus (“Michael’s true MySpace placeholder page can be found here. Sadly, www.myspace.com/michaelbay is owned by someone else”), shameless/oblivious corporate pandering (“Michael has been working on a Pepsi ad that will promote the Transformers movie this summer”), and a few “aren’t I awesome” chunks of biographical boasting (“Continuing to build on his own success, Bay reunited with Bruckheimer to make Armageddon, based on a story Bay conceived with writer Jonathan Hensleigh. Starring Bruce Willis, Ben Affleck, Billy Bob Thornton and Liv Tyler, Armageddon earned more than $550 million at the worldwide box office, making it the top-grossing film of 1998 globally, and making Bay one of the youngest directors ever to reach the billion-dollar mark”).

(Also, does anybody else think that it looks like Bumblebee has some weird stuff going on in his crotchal regions? There you go, Ezra.)

He’s apparently too modest to mention it at BikePortland.org, but blogger Jonathan Maus got quite the spread in today’s Oregonian.

The piece centers on the efforts of Maus and his readers—and the Bicycle Transportation Alliance—to try to convince Mayor Potter to restore funding to the Platinum Bicycle Master Plan (nice of the O to finally get around to covering that story, after it’s been resolved), but also a bit about Maus’ background.

Head on over and check it out—or, you know, hop on your bike instead and enjoy this weather. Either way.

Yesterday the District Attorney cleared fire bureau lieutenant Robert Bedgood of criminal charges despite video evidence showing him kicking a man while his three colleagues pin the guy down.

Now, it’s rare that I agree with anything Jack Bogdanski says. He’s even in our “enemies” list on Blogtown (see right). But in this case, the man has really come up with the goods, citing these two Oregon statutes:

ORS 163.160 Assault in the fourth degree.

(1) A person commits the crime of assault in the fourth degree if the person:
(a) Intentionally, knowingly or recklessly causes physical injury to another; or
(b) With criminal negligence causes physical injury to another by means of a deadly weapon.
(2) Assault in the fourth degree is a Class A misdemeanor.

ORS 161.209 Use of physical force in defense of a person.
Except as provided in ORS 161.215 and 161.219, a person is justified in using physical force upon another person for self-defense or to defend a third person from what the person reasonably believes to be the use or imminent use of unlawful physical force, and the person may use a degree of force which the person reasonably believes to be necessary for the purpose.

Was it “reasonably necessary” for Fire Lt. Robert Bedgood to kick that man after three other firemen had him on the floor? Of course not. But unless and until there’s a major change of culture in the county D.A.’s office, even a videotape catching the officer red-handed (or in this case, red-footed) is not enough for charges to be filed.

Schrunk’s assistant put me through to his voicemail. Depending on how the day goes, we might call back every 20 minutes to see if that “meeting” he’s in ever finishes.

This is just, wow, I mean, I can’t even—I don’t know what. I mean, just. Wow.

From the Seattle Times, an AP story about something that happened in Tacoma. There’s virtually nothing I can add to this by way of commentary:

“Dead fawn, dressed like baby, left outside Tacoma theater.”

By The Associated Press

TACOMA — The police log entry said it all: “Deceased fawn was dressed up like an infant and abandoned at the Pantages Theater.”

Why would anyone dress up a dead newborn deer, lay it in a basket and leave it outside an ornate downtown landmark?

“Your guess is as good as mine,” said Tom Sayre, a spokesman of The Humane Society for Tacoma and Pierce County.

The outfit included an infant sleeper and a bib that read, “You think I’m cute? You should see my aunt,” Sayre added.

An officer found the fawn Tuesday night, said police spokesman Mark Fulghum.

It was unclear how the animal died but the odor indicated it had been dead for awhile, he said.

A Humane Society vet thought it might have been stillborn.

“It’s just bizarre,” Fulghum said.

Golly, it’s this week’s Mercury music section, now in handy Blogtactular form:

Everyone loves those damn whistlin’ Swedes in Peter Bjorn And John.
MP3: Peter Bjorn And John - Young Folks

The Sea and Cake get their Steely Dan on.
MP3: The Sea and Cake - Introducing

Burned out on modern hip-hop? Blue Scholars have the cure.
MP3: Blue Scholars - Southside

Despite jerks stealing all their songs, BRMC keep on keeping on.
MP3: BRMC - Lien On Your Dreams

First Steely Dan, now My Chemical Romance? Indeed, I only like crappy bands.
MP3: My Chemical Romance - Welcome to the Black Parade

This Sunday, May 13th brings us the long awaited animated version of everybody’s favorite comic, THE DRINKY CROW SHOW by Tony Millionaire. Featured every week in the Mercury, Maakies tells the heartwarming story of a drunk crow and a hat-wearing ape coming to grips with their lives at sea by constantly swilling booze and blowing each others’ heads off with pistols. Here’s a violently hilarious sneaky peek at The Drinky Crow Show (Cartoon Network, May 13th, 11:45 pm)!

For the last couple of years, I’ve been biking on a Dave Scott Centurion Ironman, which looks something like this, although mine’s beat to hell:

It’s a great bike—lightweight and just hideous enough that I don’t think thieves are clamoring to get their hands on it. But, through a series of hodgepodge repairs and outdated parts, it’s nearly impossible to keep the thing in gear, especially when going up a hill. I’m about as mechanically capable as a kitten with seven toes, but I know I could get it adjusted at a local shop without any problems.

But lately, I’ve been wondering, “Why not scrap the gears to hell, and convert it to a fixie?”

Now, I’ve never been huge fan of fixed gear bikes—not that I have anything against them per se, they’ve just never been for me. Why turn your back on simple technology that makes riding safer and easier? Plus, there’s that whole fixie elitism thing, which, yeah, could be all in my mind, but still, I don’t necessarily want to be part of any special club. I even recently talked my friend out of getting a fixie, after he read the recent Times piece.

On the other hand, I’ve just about had it with the plethora of gear problems I’m having, and the idea of simplifying the bike is becoming more and more attractive. Plus, my rides would be more exercise, which can’t be bad. And, let’s be honest, I totally want to be a fixie elitist.

I can’t make up my mind, so I’m hoping you, Blogtown readers, can help me. Should I go for it? If so, where should I have the work done?

Local popsters Blitzen Trapper just got added to a handful of dates supporting those booze-happy street poets in The Hold Steady. Blitzen’s fantastic new album, Wild Mountain Nation, will be out on June 12th.

I sure wish someone would interview The Hold Steady and talk about Minnesota Twins baseball.

Dates after the jump…

Sat May 26 George, WA Sasquatch! Festival
Mon May 28 Portland, OR Crystal Ballroom*
Wed May 30 San Francisco, CA Slim's*
Thu May 31 Los Angeles, CA El Rey*
Fri June 01 San Diego, CA Cane's*
Sat June 02 Phoenix, AZ Brick House*
Mon June 04 Tucson, AZ Plush*
Thu June 07 Houston, TX Walter's on Washington*
Fri June 08 Austin, TX Emo's*
Sat June 09 Denton, TX Hailey's*
Sun June 10 Norman, OK The Opolis*
Mon June 11 Little Rock, AR Sticky Fingerz Chicken Shack*
Tue June 12 Columbia, MO Blue Note*
Thu July 05 Portland, OR Holocene - CD Release Party

* = w/ The Hold Steady

1.Or should that be, “Goodbye!?” BLAIR: LEGACY WILL BE IRAQ

British Prime Minister Tony Blair resigns, giving a speech apologizing for appeasing this country’s president by going to war in Iraq.”I did what I thought was right,” he says, adding, “sorry,” and “good luck.”

2. Russian President, Vladimir Putin, compares US foreign policy to that of the Third Reich.

3. In Portland, Tom Potter looks to fire a cop over a January 2006 shooting.

4. Jennifer Lopez gets death threats for wearing fur.

5. Ah, sod it. There’s only one big story today: Tony Blair resigned! No, really! The Guardian’s website looks to be melting down with the news. Watch the video here…

Have a good day. And sorry. And good luck.

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around HB 2007, which Governor Ted Kulongoski signed today (along with SB 2, which outlaws discrimination). HB 2007 sets up domestic partnership contracts for same-sex couples. In other words—barring a successful referendum challenge from a group like the Oregon Family Council—couples will be plunking down a bit of cash and signing up next January, in order to get all of the state rights and responsibilities currently afford to Oregon’s married couples.

The whole thing seems surreal to me. For starters, it’s hard to comprehend what’s a state right, and what’s a federal right—so I’m not particularly clear on what 500-or-so rights we’ll be able to access next year, and which rights fall under the 1,138 federal ones off limit to us gays under civil unions or domestic partnerships. Sure, we’ll be signing up next January, but it’s hard to imagine we’ll notice an immediate difference in the way we’re treated as a couple (it seems the rights tend to kick in for bigger life events, like death, illness, or starting a family).

Second, I feel like I have whiplash. Just a year and a half ago, as my partner and I were contemplating moving from Seattle to Portland, the issue of marriage equality was a big check in the “CON” column. At that point—October 2005—Oregon had Measure 36 enshrined in the constitution, and SB 1000 had fallen apart. Why the hell did we want to move there, again?

Washington, in contrast, was on the verge of a Supreme Court decision upholding two lower court decisions in favor of marriage equality—or so we thought (even buying rings to have on hand for the big decision day).

Fast forward to this spring. Oregon’s done all it can under Measure 36. Washington, meanwhile, endured a crappy court ruling, and followed that up with a legislative session that passed domestic partnerships lite—couples to our north will only get a handful of rights (legislators’ strategy is to add a few more rights each year, until it’s on part with a state civil marriage; I wasn’t on hand for the debate, but from afar, it seems like a weird, passive strategy). It seems Oregon’s got a solid check in the “PRO” column now. Hell—we’re one of just a handful of states that grant a decent set of legal benefits to same sex couples. And that’s great—I’m just having a hard time getting used to it.

LETTER: CLICK FOR A LARGE ONE.

The Portland Business Alliance has emailed all its members to tell them about the passing of the sit/lie ordinance in city council today. The email, whose subject line was “Good news from City Hall - Sidewalk Obstruction Ordinance adopted,” reads in part as follows:

“We are very pleased with the leadership shown by Mayor Tom Potter and the City Council on this important issue. These recommendations will significantly improve the livability of our Central City for everyone who lives, works, shops and visits there,” said Alliance Vice President Mike Kuykendall, who also serves as president of Portland Downtown Services, Inc. and co-chair of the SAFE Oversight Committee.

Alongside the ordinance, the PBA has committed itself to helping locate a permanent day access center for the homeless in downtown Portland. Its commitment in so-doing will now be closely scrutinized by homeless advocates. You can read more about the ordinance in this week’s issue, although the PBA has refused the Mercury’s repeated requests for comment on the issue.

Just now, uttered by Mercury Film Editor Erik Henriksen:

I’m so far beyond in my Scrabble skills that it’s virtually impossible for me to give anyone advice. It’s like me telling a baby how to crawl.

Mayor Tom Potter has today called for the termination of Portland Police Bureau Lieutenant Jeff Kaer for “poor judgment and decision-making” related to his fatal shooting of 28-year-old Dennis Young in January 2006. “You made a number of poor decisions leading up to the use of deadly force that, in their totality, violate Bureau policy,” wrote the mayor in a letter to Kaer, today. “These decisions demonstrate poor judgment; a number of your decisions were inconsistent with training or training principles, as well. In their totality your decisions constitute unsatisfactory performance.”

You can download Potter’s letter to Kaer here, which contains a list of 10 examples of Kaer’s alleged poor judgment and decision-making related to the incident, including shooting at a moving vehicle, which was against a new Bureau policy at the time.

The vehicle was parked in front of the home of Kaer’s sister, whose son had been shot in a road-rage incident six weeks earlier, when Kaer first made contact with Young. Kaer now has seven days to appeal his termination and reportedly plans to do so through a union representative.

I’m driving out to Beaverton tonight, which I’m excited about for two reasons. For starters, I don’t think I’ve been to Beaverton yet. At least not on purpose—it’s possible I’ve accidentally driven through.

But more importantly, I’ll be headed to Powell’s to hear Alisa Smith and James B. Mackinnon talk about their year eating only food from within 100 miles of their Vancouver, BC home. I’m reading their book, Plenty, right now. They kicked off their project in March a few years ago, and I’m in the October chapter (so I have no idea what the hell they ate in January). It’s a great read—I expected an emphasis on their adventures in finding local food, but the book is heavier on the larger issues: Both Smith and Mackinnon are journalists, and dug into topics like the lack of biodiversity in our food system, how ancient people (especially in the Northwest) thrived off the land, and the impact what we eat has on the world. They’re also quite frank about the strain the ambitious project put on their 14-year relationship.

(Incidentally, we tried the “100 mile diet” a few weeks ago, during the annual “Eat Local Challenge.” Despite pillaging the Portland Farmer’s Market, and living 6 blocks from New Seasons Market, it actually was quite a challenge to eat purely within a 100 mile radius—you should try it for a few days!)

Anyway, I can’t wait to see them in Beaverton at 7 pm!

What can you say, really?

Sober for the first time in weeks, Matt and Magenta realize they have nothing to say. Music by: ? and the Mysterians, Cheap Trick, Pure Country Gold (pictured below), and more. Click here to listen in.

Remember state Rep. Dennis Richardson (R-Medford), who recently compared the shootings at Virginia Tech with Oregon’s approval of a non-discrimination bill? He said both added up to “a tragic week.”

Well, Richardson’s on PBS’ NewsHour with Jim Lehrer tonight. Set your TiVos! OPB, at 7 pm.

Yes, Blogtown readers, it’s that time again. Time for me to stop surfing the internet for spiritual guidance and actually contribute something meaningful to it. In yesterday’s (already universally popular) Ask A Brit column, I explained to you the origins and correct usage of the term “Cor Blimey, Guv’nor.” Today, I respond to Todd Stadler’s email asking, “What’s up with the BBC?”

Matt,

Like most things Mercury, I have no idea to what degree you’re serious about your “Ask a Brit” thing, and, again like most things Mercury, I suspect the answer is not very much, just a joke, please don’t sue, etc. But I’m ignoring all that and taking you up. What’s up with the BBC? It’s, like, an entity to itself, and then there’re channels BBC1, 2, 3, and, I think, 4. And BBC Radio. Possibly several numbers there, as well.

(I spent a few weeks in Scotland last year, so this is all from experience, not your workaday “Hyuk-hyuk tham farrinurs ‘r’ funny” babble. I know that gives me cred in your non-American eyes. Unless, of course, you hate the Scots, in which case you choke on a can of Irn Bru, smarmy English bastard.)

But, well …I just don’t get the TV situation over there. I don’t remember if we were watching broadcast or cable TV. I imagine it was broadcast, which would explain the limited number of channels. Are they all run by the government, or is the BBC a non-government entity? Do the various BBC channels compete with each other? I seem to remember at least one non-BBC TV channel (I-something?). How does that fit in the scheme of things? It would seem that, with everything being dominated by BBC-Something, there would be a legitimate fear of a lack of diverse points of view, of one company’s ability to control information too much. Perhaps that’s where the apparently thriving newspaper and tabloid world comes in? Also, don’t you like Northwest beers so much more? Todd

Got a question for a Brit? Email me at askabrit@portlandmercury.com, and I’ll do my best.

The BBC, or "British Broadcasting Corporation," is a state-owned but independent corporation, founded in 1922 and given a Royal Charter in 1927. It is supposedly free of political and commercial influence—hence no adverts, and is funded by a yearly TV license fee—paid by every household with a TV, or "telly," as the British say, which costs 135 British Pounds a year (about $270 at today's exchange rate). TV license detector vans patrol the streets and anybody without a TV license is subject to a $2000 fine. It's taken very seriously. The BBC is also commonly referred to as "the Beeb," or "Auntie," a bitchy reference to its former chairman, John Reith.

There are two BBC TV broadcast channels receivable without cable, and five BBC radio channels receivable without a digital radio. Each has its unique character: BBC One is more populist, while BBC Two tends to run more intellectual programming. On the radio, again, Radio One plays popular music, Radio Two plays stuff that was popular fifteen years ago, Radio Three plays classical music, Radio Four is mainly talk and intellectual stuff, while Radio Five is sports. Lately, BBC TV has also added several digital channels receivable with a set-top receiver or through cable, and several more digital radio channels. But they're not yet as well-known or well-loved by the British public.

The BBC channels do not compete with each other, although nobody ever watches BBC Three.

In addition to the BBC, Britain also hosts a plethora of lower-quality commercial TV channels, including three broadcast channels—ITV (the oldest and most mainstream), Channel Four (which always shows dirty films late at night), and Channel 5 (which really is terrible and ought to be canceled, but is still better than most American TV). There's also Rupert Murdoch's SKY cable/satellite channels, most of which are also trash, but still, again, better than most American TV.

In Britain, the emphasis is on quality, not quantity, in Broadcasting. Think "HBO," not "The Shopping Channel." The variety of newspapers in Britain do indeed provide a diversity of views, but the BBC is also closely scrutinized to ensure it does not lean too far left or too far right. It purports to be objective.

Lastly, it is a beautiful, beautiful thing:

In honor of this guy returning to baseball…

A friend of mine just introduced me to the incredibly fascinating Baseball’s Steroid Era site, a detailed account of steroid use in the sport. The categories include players who got busted, and those who just knew about the drug abuse going on inside the locker room. It’s a very interesting look into baseball’s dark, and very entertaining, journey into performance-boosting medicine.

This is the scene at the Ladd’s Addition Apartments on Se12th and Harrison this afternoon—the complex was evacuated on the weekend after a man experimenting to make “an alternative fuel” blew up a load of mercury in his microwave pressure cooker (see comments). Now, former residents are forced to stare at their possessions, all bagged up on the lawn outside—and some may never get any of them back.To give credit where it’s due, Unpaid Intern mentioned this on Blogtown the other day. I just didn’t pay enough attention. My bad. Sorry, Dan!I bumped into two former residents on the sidewalk outside, watching the guys in yellow toxicology suits tramp in and out of the building with more bags of stuff. The two former tenants have both had to pay in excess of $5,000 for medical treatment and anti mercury-poisoning drugs, although they couldn’t talk on record because they’ve hired an attorney to sue for damages. They wouldn’t say who they’re specifically suing, but in the mean time they are having to buy new clothes. And cookware. And stereos. And new everything else, pretty much. One of them did say this, and let it be a mantra for all of us: “It just goes to show, you never know who’s living next to you.”

I am no fan of soap operas. I did give them a shot during the laziest year of my life but all they did was motivate me. So on a cinematic level, Jeremy Scott’s two-part soap spoof, “Starring” is totally wack to me. But that’s not really the point, is it? No, these are worth watching because they are a showcase of the designer’s completely outrageous/awesome costume design, as modeled by actresses like Asia Argento, Tori Spelling, Lisa Marie, and more. Also props to the hair hat in part 2.

PART 1:

PART 2:

I’m pretty sure “Pickle Surprise” is the last thing I posted on here…so in keeping with that theme I give you another Pickle Surprise. Apparently, some folks down South discovered that combining dill pickles and Kool-Aid® makes a tasty treat. Here’s the link to the full article in the NY Times.

Whaddaya think? Gross or Not Gross?

Even under tight, crazy, unexpected deadlines, our podcast show, So Hot Right Now, comes through for you, jam-packed with plenty of beats to get your booty moving. Need proof? This week’s scheduled DJ had some major things go down at the last minute and was unable to give a mix to So Hot Right Now’s host, Mike Williams. So, knowing the show must go on, Mike W. turned on his turntables, loaded up some of his favorite songs, and pressed record. To check out his mix, lead your ears over to this week’s episode of So Hot Right Now over on our pod-n-vod page.

At Scrabble practice the other night, Amy, Courtney, and I were talking about making limoncello, a delicious lemon-flavored Italian liqueur. I just ran across a recipe, by way of Seattle-based writer Maggie Dutton’s blog, Wine Offensive. I’m a big fan of the blog—Dutton knows her shit, and she writes about wine and other boozes in a really accessible, down-to-earth way. The recipe is here, if you’re interested; it’s surprisingly simple, just lemon, vodka, and sugar, left to steep for a few weeks.

The same article also reminded me of this great tip for improving cheap vodka:

Fancy vodka is unnecessary if you have a handy Brita home pitcher. Most vodkas endure charcoal filtering to catch nasty impurities that are all too common in the low-rent stuff. Activated carbon is precisely Brita’s modus operandi. You can run any cheap vodka through the pitcher four or five times to class the hooch up. Why pay so much for odorless, tasteless liquor when you can do the work yourself and clean the pitcher in the process? (Just rinse the filter a few times when you’re finished.)

I think it’s supposed to be funny?

Anyone with insight is welcome to get in touch. Thanks to Banana Lee Fishbones at Metblogs for the link!

Like a car crash I can’t pry my eyes off of, I am quite fascinated with the flaming disaster that is Guns N’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy. Since the record will be out either next month, or in the year 2019, here is a peek at the supposedly leaked There Was A Time. Enjoy, I guess.

• Remember when the judge told Paris Hilton that she was going to jail for driving with a suspended license? Apparently, Paris thought that somehow meant that, until then, she could still drive. Yes, she was photographed DRIVING. Oh, WOW.

• Kevin Federline on ex-wife Britney dating Howie Day while in rehab: “I guess you have to head to the dump to find trash.” Meaning… she found you in Douchebagville?

• Lindsay Lohan declares war on the paparazzi! (And has already vetoed a congressional bill saying she’ll end the war by October.)

Roughly 20 seconds after the video of David Hasselhoff drunkenly trying to eat a hamburger was released, the mash-up artists leapt into action! Check out this amalgamation of a burger getting the best of a shirtless Hoff, and a Wendy’s commercial. Mmmmmmm… that satisifies.

What? Like you need any more reasons to watch?

Morning, Blogtownies! It’s Wednesday! Although granted, you probably already knew that. What about some news then, eh?

1. Wind gets a name. And “Tropical Storm” Andrea didn’t even have the decency to wait until the official start of hurricane season!

2. Director George Lucas, currently preparing to shoot Indiana Jones 4, and creator of Jar Jar Binks, describes Spider Man 3 as “silly”.

3. Rebel without an Observatory?! Fires are raging at Griffith Park in Los Angeles, where the famous observatory scene in James Dean’s Rebel Without A Cause was shot. So far, the building has survived. A Hollywood councilman seizes his moment in the spotlight, telling the New York Times: “The dance of this fire reminds me of how Mick Jagger dances on stage.” This is what we (loosely) in the journalism trade call giving good quote. That guy should get promoted, or at least, move to Portland. We need you here, sir!

4. Speaking of Portland and its incomprehensible, baffling Wild Westness, after a four month investigation, Portland’s District Attorneys have decided not to prosecute a fireman caught kicking a man on video camera in January, because they feel “it would be difficult proving beyond a reasonable doubt that he’s guilty of a crime.” You know, video footage of a man clearly kicking somebody three times while his colleagues pin the guy down, that’s dicey evidence for an assault charge, definitely. The man’s lawyers are pursuing a civil suit, and the fire department will now review the lieutenant’s behavior. He says it was “in self defense.”

4b. In other news, Portland’s District Attorneys have decided to reverse a charge of tax evasion against known Chicago gangster, Al Capone. “Everybody said he was a nice guy,” they told reporters. “It was impossible to pin anything on him.” Denying accusations of “being in bed with the mob,” the DAs drove off in swanky new black cars to front row seats at a Frank Sinatra concert, singing, “it’s my kind of towwwwn…”

5.Paris Hilton fires her attorney. Too late!

Have a good day, if possible…

The Portland Parks and Recreation bureau has denied a permit for this year’s Hempstalk, claiming that organizers failed to abide by the permit for last year’s festival by allowing “widespread consumption of marijuana.”

The 2006 event was the second annual Hempstalk, which brought in an estimated 15,000 people (according to organizers) to Waterfront Park last September. Paul Stanford—the founder of The Hemp & Cannabis Foundation, which organizes the event—denies the claims, and argues that there were actually fewer arrests at the park during Hempstalk than during other weekends.

When Stanford and his colleagues applied for a permit this year, they were told that Waterfront Park was already booked for a dragon boat race, so they planned to hold it at Delta Park in North Portland September 8-9. Three weeks ago, however, the city sent Stanford a letter denying the permit—based at least in part on a “medical marijuana” tent that was set up for the event.

You can read all about it in this week’s Mercury, but in the meantime, Hempstalk organizers are appearing in front of city council tomorrow (during open communications at 9:30am) to plead their case. Even though Parks Commissioner Dan Saltzman has already backed the parks department’s decision, three votes on council could conceivably reverse the decision.

The only question: Who on city council is going to take up the cause? Randy Leonard? Sam Adams? Erik Sten? Tom “Pot”ter? C’mon, guys—who’s going to stick up for marijuana?

Or will city council continue down the path they’ve paved in the last few months, first with extending the “Drug Free Zones” and then approving the Sit-Lie Ordinance?

Keep Portland weird, right? Right? Ahem.

Addendum: I love this quote from Sgt. Chris Davis, head of the Street Crimes Unit for downtown police. “There was obviously smoking going on—people were not smoking marijuana in plain view but in a tent,” he continues. “If a Cheech and Chong movie had a smell, that was what it smelled like in Waterfront Park.”

This just in from Sojourn Theatre’s Michael Rohd:

“Arcade Fire is throwing an after-party to their upcoming sold-out show at the Schnitzer (May 27) that will be a benefit for Sojourn Theatre. The party will take place at Outlaws on Burnside where Arcade Fire will DJ and a wide assortment of locals will perform: trapeze artists, contortionists, ladies dancing on bikes, surprise musicians, and many more special guests. Tickets are being sold and details being slowly divulged at brownpapertickets.com. (Drinks are included in the ticket price). Sojourn’s Summer Production GOOD opens June 10th at Southeast’s Wentworth Subaru Service Center.”

Pulitzer Prize winner, literary superstar, and author of summer’s first brainy blockbuster, The Yiddish Policeman’s Union, is in Portland as we speak to read at Powell’s tonight (1005 W Burnside, 7:30 pm). People (including our own Erik Henriksen) are even saying that this one’s better than The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay, which is pretty incredible, given the rabid adoration that critics and readers have heaped upon that book. TYPA imagines that the Holocaust never happened, and the world’s Jews settled in Alaska (earning them the nickname “the chosen frozen”). A murder takes place on the depressing tundra, and from there, weary, alcoholic detective Meyer Landsman commences the investigation of his life.

A fast-paced detective novel, The Yiddish Policemen’s Union veers from angst to humor to allegory, its story spreading from the drab mess of Landsman’s hotel room to the righteous rages of the Middle East. Most impressive, though, is Landsman, who’d be a cliché if anyone but Chabon wrote him. The detective walks Sitka’s streets with an unshakeable familiarity with life’s disappointment, which clashes awkwardly with his foolish devotion to his job.

Go tonight, or kick yourself later.

*ooh, the backlash begins!

It’s a fast news week here at the Mercury. You wouldn’t believe how fast, really. In fact, it’s lightning fast. But I’ve taken the last few nanoseconds between breaking stories to contemplate: What do people really want to know? What do they really want to hear about? What constitutes genuine information in an age where we’re too often swamped by noise?

And then, it hit me. Or rather, Steve hit me with it. “It seems people are fascinated by your mode of talking,” he said. And, sadly, they are. It’s beginning to dawn on me that no matter how long I’m in Portland, or how hard I try to say “process” and “tomato” like the rest of you, I’m always going to be an outsider when it comes to the way I talk.

Unless, that is, I get the rest of you to understand the subtleties of my language, and perhaps, adopt some of them for yourselves. First up? A beginner’s education in how to employ the expression “Cor Blimey, Guv’nor.”

“Cor Blimey” is a late Victorian euphemism, or “minced oath,” for the words “God Blind Me.” It originated in working class English in the 1890s as a way to express surprise to people of higher class in the street without blaspheming and betraying one’s own lower class status.

“Guv’nor” is an abbreviation of “governor,” referring to someone in charge, and is rooted, as mentioned, in the speaker’s class. A working class person, say, a taxi driver, might call his clients “guv’nor” rather than “mate,” as it denotes not only that the passenger is of higher perceived class than the taxi driver, but also that the taxi driver is himself of the working classes—a middle class person would never call an upper class person “guv’nor,” but employ the words “sir,” or “madam,” or perhaps pretend to be upper class themselves (a mortal sin which in the eyes of many English should be punishable by death.)

“Mate” is reserved for persons of the working class to address one another. It is more pally. For example, two furniture removal men might call one another “mate” in a greasy spoon cafeteria during their leisure hours, perhaps while reading the tabloid newspapers and casually discussing the soccer scores (which they would refer to, of course, as “football.”)

It is never right to massacre the expression by saying “Cor Blimey, Mate.” In a mate-to-mate exchange, coarseness and vulgarity are the norm. For example, “F—k me running, mate. That’s a shocking situation,” would be more appropriate.

Lately, another layer of complexity has been added to the whole “Cor Blimey, Guv’nor” debate: Young, middle and upper-class “mockneys” have usurped the phrase, and begun employing it ironically in an effort to confuse the class system. There is no reason, then, why Portlanders should not also begin saying it whether or not the circumstances are indeed strictly appropriate. But now, at least, you know what the strictly-defined appropriate circumstances are.

Email me your British questions at askabrit@portlandmercury.com, or if you prefer, I can simply make them up. There’s no escape.

Over at Amanda Fritz’s blog and at bojack.org, there’s a bit of a discussion going on about House Bill 3104, which would ostensibly give the city council the power to be the Portland Development Commission’s “budget committee.”

That’s what city ballot measure 26-92 would do as well, assuming voters pass it next week, but in order for 26-92 to be enacted, there needs to be a change to state law to allow it.

So that’s what HB3104 does. Except for this funny little bit:

{ + (2) The governing body of a city with a population of more than 400,000 is the budget committee of an urban renewal agency created by the city under ORS 457.035. + }

Which has posed this question from Amanda: Is city council trying to go around Portland voters? If HB3104 is simply “enabling legislation,” then why does it specifically say that city council “IS” the budget committee of the urban renewal agency (PDC)? If 26-92 fails at the ballot box, could the legislature make the change regardless?

Even though Amanda and Jack Bog’s concerns are directed at council as a whole, it’s really Erik Sten they’re pointing the finger at. Read his response after the jump.

"I just testified [at a Senate committee hearing on the bill] this morning--totally coincidentally--saying that there's no reason to not delay the legislation until after the city vote next week," Stens says. "And if [26-92] doesn't pass at the ballot, I'll withdrawal my support for the state legislation. If the ballot measure doesn't pass, we'll stop pushing for it."

As for why the bill says the city council "IS" the budget committee for the PDC--as opposed to "CAN BE the budget committee, if city voters approve"--it's largely a matter of history. Late last year, when the charter review commission was still saying it wasn't even going to consider the change since state law didn't allow it, council voted 3-2 to ask the state legislature to amend the law, making city council the budget committee. It was only later, when Mayor Potter and Sten struck a bargain to add the language to the charter commission's recommendation, that it started heading toward the ballot.

In the short term, the effect is the same--if Portland voters approve 26-92, the state legislature will likely change so that the laws are in sync. But what if in, say, five years, Portland voters change their mind and don't want city council to be PDC's budget committee, will HB3104 prevent the reversal?

I just ran across this online debate: what’s the best way to split a check when you’re with a group of people at a restaurant? When the Mercury people go out to lunch together, everybody busts out a credit card and itemizes the bill for the waitress. As an ex-server, this takes enormous chunks out of my karmic reservoir. When you’re busting ass, waiting on half a dozen tables, and one asks you to grind to a halt to figure out how to split their bill (“No, seriously, guys—who’s going to pay for the artichoke dip?”), it fucks your flow up bad. Even if it only takes five minutes to split a check, think of how long five minutes feels when you’re waiting for a refill of iced tea. So that’s less than ideal.

The other option is the “split it six ways” division, which works out if and only if you consumed the average amout of food and drink, or more. Vegetarians and non-drinkers end up footing your gluttonous bill in these cases. Still, it’s definitely the “no hassle” option, and you’ve just got pray that everything eventually comes out in the wash.

So, Portland—customers and servers alike—what’s the best way to handle this situation? Phone lines are open.

Longtime Erik Sten staffer Kathleen Gardipee is leaving Sten’s office on May 24 to spend the summer with her daughters and then start a one-person consulting firm in the fall.

Gardipee stepped in as Sten’s chief of staff when Bob Durston took a break from the office to help run Sten’s re-election campaign. This marks the third departure from Sten’s relatively small office in the last year—Durston left to play den mother for all the city hall chiefs of staff last fall (he’s since quit that job), and Jennifer Yocom left a few months ago to join the Office of Sustainable Development.

What’s next? Sten quitting to take a job as the head of PDC?

Tight, acid washed black denim makes me think of a lot of things: the ’80s, the movie Clerks, the jacket my friend Sam wore in Italy when a pigeon pooped on the shoulder and he refused to wash it and wore it every day for the rest of the trip anyway… But it made me smile to be going through the last of the offerings from Australia Fashion Week, without much popping out to me until I came to Romance Was Born, specifically their use of tight, acid washed black denim. I wouldn’t say I’m necessarily condoning this, and the ugly-hot thing is more than a little schticky, but the sort of contrarian attitude demonstrated here does help make the world go round. Anyway, my point is that minus the everything they’re worn with here I actually kind of like them. Kind of.

(Er, um, Saturday in PDX.)

Stormtroopin’ in PDX, courtesy of The One True b!X.

todayinpdx@portlandmercury.com

KGW followed up last night on the rent-a-cop feature we ran in last week’s issue. It’s nice to see more outlets paying attention, and the report makes a pretty persuasive case for more oversight. Click here to go watch it. Incidentally, the KGW writers did a really nice job with the story intro. Although it sounded eerily familiar, for some reason.

Not busy tomorrow? You might want to head to Salem to witness this historic event:

Governor to Sign Domestic Partnership and Anti-Discrimination Legislation

Salem – Governor Kulongoski tomorrow will be joined by legislators, Governor Barbara Roberts, members of the Governor’s Task Force on Equality, business leaders and Oregonians from across the state to sign legislation creating domestic partnerships (HB 2007) and prohibiting discrimination based on sexual orientation (SB 2).

Who: Governor Kulongoski, Governor Barbara Roberts, Speaker Jeff Merkley, Senator Kate Brown, Basic Rights Oregon

What: Sign House Bill 2007 and Senate Bill 2

Where: West Steps, State Capitol, Salem

When: 9:30 a.m., Wednesday, May 9, 2007

I received a press copy of the 25th anniversary edition of the Silver Palate Cookbook a few weeks ago, and promptly filed it with The Reality Diet: Fight Fat With Fiber in the corner of my desk reserved for less-than-compelling food titles. I mean, I thought it was a cookbook for senior citizens. Understandable, right?

Well, there I go, revealing my ignorance. Apparently the Silver Palate was a small high-end food store opened in Manhatten in the 1977, and the subsequent cookbook is credited with going a long way toward demystifying gourmet cuisine for the home cook. I’d never heard of it before (I’m from Oregon—we were a Moosewood fam), but both Salon and the New York Times have just run pieces on how influential it was:

From the Salon piece:

…this was a book of recipes that allowed harried middle-class families to wean themselves from the Shake ‘N Bake pouch and eat more like wealthy people. This kind of food — the noodle salads and cold soups and skewered shrimp — was more urbane and elegant than what we’d been eating in suburban Philadelphia… [Julee] Rosso and [Sheila] Lukins had begun to take labor-intensive methods and high-quality ingredients consumed by fancier people than we and translate them from the original “unattainable” into the modern “practical.”

While the recipes themselves are on the kitschy side (Flank Steak Mosiac, anyone?), it is fun to think about how exciting Pork and Fruit Ragout or Asparagus Strudel might've been to a home cook accustomed to Betty Crocker. It doesn't strike me as the type of cookbook I would ever use regularly, but paging through it reveals loads of recipes that might come in handy the next time I'm called upon to impersonate a grown-up at a dinner party ("Oh, the autumn duck salad with green beans? Just a little something I whipped up...").

While I did not give The Silver Palate Cookbook the respect it deserved, the arrival of Stephane Renaud's Pork and Sons was cause for a minor food nerd-out. Published by Phaidon, Pork and Sons is covered in pink plaid vinyl, illustrated with whimsical line drawings of pigs, and full of pork dishs so lasciviously photographed that they make me a little uncomfortable. The book won the 2005 French Gourmand cookbook award, and has only recently been available in translation in the US. Renaud covers every imaginable use of the pig, from snout to trotter, as well as providing a scrapbook-style introduction to the people who work at his family farm and the behind-the-scenes of pig farming. Amazon's got it listed at about $26 right now, which is a freaking steal: Not only is it basically a pork lover's Bible, but its a charming read, and pretty enough to double as a coffee table book (Honestly, it makes me nervous having such a gorgeous cookbook anywhere near my kitchen).

Today is the first day of the Mothers’ Day Sale at Moxie (2400 E Burnside), with 20% off everything in the store (except for the local art), including an additional 20% off items already marked down. Through Sunday, shop their range of local and elsewhere clothing, accessories and jewelry, on the cheap for (or with) mom… or just you. Here are some of their new styles:

If Portland is truly the strip club capitol of America—and I’ll sock anyone who says differently—then why don’t we have more strip club commercials on TV? They are HILARIOUS… and informative. Check it out. (Oh yeah, slightly NSFW-ish.)

This guy wins the “Douchebag of the Year” contest… hands down!

And don’t miss this, which has been called the “Greatest Strip Club Commercial EVER!”

Let’s talk about boobs. Cool? Cool.

Cinematical has a fairly creepy story up about how “Despite the fact that we all pretty much saw her boobs in the first Spider-Man, Kirsten Dunst apparently had to make them look bigger for Spider-Man 3. She told The Sun that she had to wear a padded bra and that she had no problem doing so.” Okay. I actually find that disturbing enough, but then Cinematical goes on to link to this Daily Mail story, which might be the skeeviest thing ever: “The makers of the Harry Potter films are at the centre of a row after a poster of teenage star Emma Watson was electronically enhanced,” the story begins, in charming Britainese. (You can tell because they don’t know how to spell “center” and say “row” instead of “fight”!) “In a shot promoting the latest installment in the series for Imax 3D cinemas, a profile of the 17-year-old actress, who plays Hermione Granger, appeared to have been made curvier.” Eugh. Shudder. (My favorite part of the story is how Warner Bros. says—and I imagine a note of pervy panic in their press release, here—“This is not an official poster. Unfortunately this image was accidentally posted on the Imax website. The mistake was promptly rectified and the image taken down.” In other words, “Uh, yeah, so we totally mocked that up to see how it’d look—and it looks HOT, are we right?—but we didn’t mean to get caught.” Again: Shudder.)

More YACHT news. This time Jona takes the form one of very cute penny in this charming video for “See A Penny (Pick It Up).”

First off, local band videos just keep getting better and better. Also, this video is like an ad for the city of Portland. Clean streets, attractive people and ample pennies.

• Are you sick of K.Fed being the “responsible one” in the Britney/Kevin pop culture trainwreck? ME, TOO. That’s why I was thrilled to see Kevin in a startling return to form at a Kentucky Derby party, complaining that his table was too small for all six of his bitches, and yelling to the girls in the crowd, “I got four kids already - which one of you Kentucky girls wants to have my fifth?” Ahhh… such a tempting offer. And if I know my Kentucky girls, I bet a few will take him up on it.

• You knew it was coming: an online petition to “FREE PARIS HILTON!” The petition, which will be sent to the Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, presents two key pieces to Paris’ defense: 1) Brandy killed someone while driving drunk, while Paris didn’t. And 2) “If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.” CASE DISMISSED, BEE-YOTCHES!

Rise and shine, Blogtownies! It’s Tuesday! If you’re already knackered from Monday’s exertions, just think, there’s four more whole days just like yesterday before you can sleep in! Heck, let’s just get on with it…

1. World Bank Leader Paul Wolfowitz might get to sleep in a little sooner, if European leaders get their way. Wolfowitz, who has led the charge for ethical oversight of the bank, denies bringing the organization into disrepute by doubling the salary of his lover.

2. Bush winks at the Queen. Queen gives him a “frosty glare” in return.Ouch.

3.Concern grows in France as a second night of riots follows the election of conservative president Nicolas Sarkozy. 730 cars were burned nationwide on Sunday night, 592 arrests made. And they say Portland’s full of anarchists…

4. Power sharing begins in Northern Ireland, with Protestant firebrand Ian Paisley sitting down for tea with Sein Fein boss, and one-time alleged Irish Republican Army (IRA) leader Martin McGuinness for a cup of tea in front of the world’s press. Given some of the things they’ve said about each other in the past, that’s a pretty big deal.

5.George Michael admits driving while unfit through drugs. Is looking really rough these days.

6.Paris Hilton’s legal team will appeal her 45-day sentencing at the hands of a Hollywood judge. Hilton’s spokesman did not tell the press, “justice can be bought for a price,” although Hilton’s behavior tends to suggest an inclination to believe it.

That’s it for now. Have a Ruby Tuesday!

On Saturday afternoon I wasted billions of beer dollars, watching the Chicago Bulls totally lose the plot to the Detroit Pistons. It ended up 95-69! The playoffs are fun though, eh? So I intend to do the same thing again this evening.
I like the scrappy Bulls over the cocky Pistons, personally. Round 2 starts in 13 minutes!

I’ve been going to the Life of Riley on 10th and Everett, but if you know of anywhere good to watch the games, let me know.

So the campaign worked. Spider-Man 3 has made something like $900 kajillion in less than a week, despite its not-so-great reviews. (Look at Spidey and Gwen over there. Even THEY’RE amazed by that headline. “$900 kajillion? AWESOME!”) It’s a Big Summer Event Movie, and thus everyone went and saw it, whether they wanted to or not. (Even me. Shit, I’d already seen it and I didn’t even like it that much, but somehow I found myself watching it again yesterday afternoon.)

It’s (too) easy to get cynical about this shit, but Manohla Dargis has a pretty amazingly great piece in yesterday’s Times about “Hollywood and the art of the blockbuster” that’s well worth a read. I’ve been trying for years to explain why I love blockbuster summer movies so goddamn much—this really is like my favorite time of the year, largely due to all the movies I’m stoked for in the the upcoming months—and Dargis nailed what I’ve been stammering and stumbling about for so long. Yes, blockbusters are awesome. I just wish that certain ones (like, say, ah, Spider-Man 3) were better, is all. (That said, I’m excited to a pretty unhealthy degree about Pirates of the Caribbean and Transformers.)

(And, as if you needed to ask: Of course there’ll be at least three more Spider-Mans, with or without Sam Raimi, Tobey Maguire, or Ol’ Snaggletooth.)

For those of you who love the Mercury’s weekly selections from Jesus Christ’s Blog, you’re only getting a taste of the blogging goodness—because Jesus blogs every day! Here’s what you missed last week…
• Jesus gets teased by the counter boys at Quiznos.
• Jesus gets mad when someone asks him to control the weather.
• Jesus feels “funny” after he and Karen (that’s his lamb) accidentally huff a pot of glue.
• Jesus reveals why his date with dentist Dr. Jessica Hovley was “the worst date EVER!” (It partially had to do with being forced to go to a poetry slam.)

But there’s still time to right your wrongs! Check out Jesus Christ’s Blog for the latest adventures of Jesus Christ. (Did you know Jesus had a grandmother? I didn’t.)

We’re a little over a week from “Election Day,” which means now is as good a time as any to start making guesses on what the turnout is going to look like.

Currently, around 8 percent of the ballots (29,025) have been turned in—and that’s counting from April 30 to today.

In the comments, place your bet on the final turnout for Multnomah County. Winner gets an as-yet-to-be-determined prize, which I guarantee will be cool.

I finally got around to picking up Marisha Pessl’s Special Topics in Calamity Physics, the much-hyped debut novel that the NY Times called one of the ten best books of 2006.
To borrow a phrase from the Powell’s blurb: Topics “uncannily [unites] the trials of a postmodern upbringing with a murder mystery.” The book’s protagonist is the precocious, literate Blue van Meer, a teenager who has just moved to a new town with her larger-than-life father. At her new school, Blue falls in with a group of kids called the Bluebloods, an exclusive little posse united by their friendship with a glamorous teacher, Hannah Schnieder. When Hannah dies under suspicious circumstances, Blue sets out to unravel the mystery of Hannah’s death, with only her book learnin’ to guide her.

Pessl's writing is relentlessly showy—she has trouble getting through a paragraph without digressing into lengthy, free-wheeling descriptive phrases. Topics is also crammed with allusions to real or imagined books, though these are never quite clever or funny enough to justify their interruption of the narrative. Here's a pretty typical example:

Dinner at Hannah's was a honey-bunch tradition, held more or less every Sunday for the past three years. Charles and his friends looked forward to the hours at her house (the address itself, a little enchanting: 100 Willows Road) much in the way New York City's celery-thin heiresses and beetroot B-picture lotharios looked forward to nose-rubbing at the Stork Club certain sweaty Saturday nights in 1943 (see Forget About El Morocco: The Xanadu of the New York Elite, the Stork Club, 1929-1965, Riser, 1981).

I was profoundly irritated by Pessl's writing at first—it struck me as too-glib, superficial despite all the big words. After the first hundred pages, though, I began to forgive her the theatrics. Pessl draws a mean character—Blue, in particular, is wonderful, and in theory I like the idea of a character whose understanding of the world is completely based on books she's read, even if the execution is awkward at times. Buried, too, beneath the bells and whistles are lots of wry, astute details (when a boy tells Blue she is a bad kisser, she "broke down into one of those headachy weeps one would think would be reserved for the death of a family member, for terminal illness, the end of the world"). It's also a little trashy and a lot of fun—the type of book that makes you wish for a beach and a fruity cocktail of some sort. I've got about 100 pages left, but I can't wait to finish it.

Pessl will be at the Cedar Hills Powell's tonight (the paperback version of Topics just came out), and I suspect she'll be an entertaining speaker. She's also, of course, young and super hot. Beaverton seems so, so far away sometimes, but Pessl is kind of a Big Deal, and this reading should be worth the trek.

Marisha Pessl, 7 pm, Powell's at Cedar Hills, 3415 SW Cedar Hills Blvd

There are two French films coming down the pike that will tell the story of Coco Chanel, one of the 20th Century’s most influential women, whose mark on western fashion is legendary. Marina Hands is set to play Chanel in the version being produced by Claudie Ossard (um, as in Amelie), which is to begin filming in September. The other, produced by Daniele Thompson, has a slower start out of the gate, and no date has been set for filming to commense. I am completely stoked for both. And while I’m glad the films are French, I will be curious to see how they handle her biography, specifically how they will deal with her attitude towards the Nazi party. It also seems like something Hollywood will jump on (I wonder which American actress would be cast?). I look forward to that also. Will Karl Lagerfeld do the costume design?? The possibilities are awesome.

The Mercury may have “any dumbass still using MySpace” listed as an enemy, but these people want you to be their friends.

Presidential candidates setting up MySpace accounts… I can’t wait until all of the bands and beautiful people who take their pictures in the mirror with their cell phone cameras put their, “thanks for the add!” comments up! I hope they add The Mercury as their friend!

Good move, or clueless campaigning?

Hot damn! It’s almost time once again for Pedalpalooza to take over Portland; although, I know what you’re thinking—don’t bicyclists take over Portland everyday?

Yes, but for at least one day during Pedalpalooza, they’ll be naked. The whole she-bang is from June 7-23, but Saturday June 9 features not one, but TWO naked rides. Luckily, the fine folks at Shift have provided a handy little guide to “Your First Naked Ride.” There’s also a film being presented by local biker Rev. Phil at Clinton St. on June 8th called “Pornography of the Bicycle.”

Head on over to the official schedule of events, and peep the official poster, designed by Blogtown regular Gabriel Amadeus:

Another week, another British singer in Seattle. Last week it was this beanpole, and last night it was The Mozzer. No other musician has soundtracked my life better than Morrissey, so it was about damn time that I finally see him, and his fading pompadour, live in concert.

It was excellent, of course. Like an overly-dramatic Tom Jones—sans the tossed panties—Moz was full of the usual theatrics, as he pranced around the stage, was hugged by fans, removed his shirt and just generally acted Morrissey-like.

He also played this song. Sigh.

Hey, look! It’s another puff piece about Portland, penned by an out-of-towner in awe of our city. This time, said out-of-towner writes for the L.A. Times.

I am here, carless, to see what’s new in downtown Portland, to eat Oregon produce and drink Oregon concoctions, to briefly live that Southern California dream of chucking it all and moving to someplace cheap and rainy. And to ride the streetcars.

Now, when the Oregonian said that poison control specialists recommended “10 firefighters and 20 residents of the complex, located at Southeast 12th and Harrison, be taken to OHSU for evaluation for mercury exposure,” they weren’t talking about us.

Saturday evening I noticed the route—and by route, I mean entire block—to a friend’s house had been closed off by a hazardous materials team. It appears an unnamed Portland man nearly poisoned his entire neighborhood while trying to make a hydrogen fuel cell in a pressure cooker using sodium, mercury, and powdered aluminum.

The ingredients caused a great deal of smoke and people were treated for mercury poising as a precautionary tactic and barred from entering their homes until Tuesday at the earliest.

According to the Oregonian, Grant Coffey, organizer of the hazardous materials team, said the man trying to create the fuel cell was “using chemicals he bought through the mail and a recipe downloaded on the internet,” and had “no chemistry training and didn’t have any idea about what could happen when mixing metals.”

Come on people, alternative fuels are great, but unless you’re Bill Nye the science guy, try using a bike.

Due to “an increase in business license receipts,” it looks like $100,000 worth of funding has been restored to the Bike Master Plan.

In a memo that just hit commissioners’ offices, the mayor has announced that there is an additional $2 million in the budget. Based on what commissioners’ chiefs of staff decided were the funding priorities during a meeting last Wednesday afternoon, here is a partial list of what is being funded:

Wordstock: $100,000 (Commissioner Erik Sten)
School/Family/Housing Initiative: $30,000 (Sten)
24/7 T Support for Fire: $70,000 (Sten)
Platinum Bike Master Plan: $100,000 (Commissioner Sam Adams)
ArtsPartners: $100,000 (Adams)
Burnside/Couch Enhancement Planning: $500,000 (Adams)

“The timing of this good news fits well with budget approval on May 16,” Potter wrote. It also fits well with the timing of the growing two-wheeled coup against Potter that has been brewing around the city, particularly at BikePortland.org.

Here’s a pdf of Potter’s memo.

ITCHFIELD, Neb. — A days-old black Angus calf romps about a central Nebraska farm just like any other—only this one romps with six legs. “He’s a real freak,” said Brian Slocum, who said the calf was born Sunday to one of his cows. “I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The two extra appendages—one a front leg, the other a back—extend from the calf’s pelvic area. The longer of the two extra legs doesn’t quite reach the ground, and they don’t interfere with the calf’s mobility.

The unnamed calf also has organs for both sexes and a surgically supplied rectum.

The full terrifying story is here, and I’m willing to bet that thing’s going to start talking soon, too, but it’s only going to say things about the End of Days and weird quotes from the Book of Revelation and pledges of loyalty to Vigo the Carpathian, etc. This shit does not bode well.

When I’ve told friends about my quest, as an unpaid intern, to find the world’s most famous intern, Monica Lewinsky, and find out if she has in fact moved to Portland; it’s always followed with comments like, ‘Are you going to ask her where she gets her dry cleaning done?’ or ‘You going to offer her a cigar?’

But recently when I told a friend about my mission, she said, “Oh yeah, she hangs out at Urban Grind in the Pearl.” A quick call to Urban Grind confirms that Miss Lewinsky has been frequenting the establishment.

Now enter your jokes about what type of drink she orders. Here are a few of Matt Davis’ comments when I told him. “What does she order? Tall creamy latte? Spunky americano?” I love how the mere mentioning of the name Monica Lewinsky will instantly turn any conversation into a dirty joke telling contest.

Monica, give me a call, 503-294-0840, or email me at newsintern@portlandmercury.com. I just want to chat, I promise no bad jokes!

Lordy. It’s been almost a month since somebody tried bribing the Mercury to blog about them in exchange for free alcohol. I was hoping to make this a regular series of blog posts, but apparently Portland’s “ethics” are above such behavior. Frankly, paying for the stuff had started to hurt my wallet. Thanks be to God, then, for the folks at El Gaucho.

On Friday night, my wife and I each enjoyed a game of poker, a Monte-Christo number 2 (that’s a $20 cigar) and two well drinks on the house. Scotch. Mmm—in El Gaucho’s shameless attempt to generate publicity for its monthly poker tournament. ($75 per person buys you what I’ve just described, plus the services of a professional dealer and a shot at a decent-ish prize, on the first Friday of every month.)El Gaucho is a curious place. Our opponents all seemed loaded—LOADED, and more interested in smoking cigars in the company of other rich people than in winning the prize. Which, I have to be honest, I thought was absolutely awesome, although unless like me you have high class aspirations, the chances are you might hate it. It’s not for everyone.

The game was of a high beginner’s standard with the two most aggressive betters winning out. I came a respectable fourth out of nine players but would bet much harder next time. My wife came eighth, but managed to turn her early defeat into a sound networking opportunity, receiving two rather bizarre job offers before the night was out.

The appetizers—steak tartare, oysters, and little cubes of sirloin steak, were appropriately high brow, and excellent, while my cigar tasted a lot subtler than a Swisher Sweet. As people lost their seats at the table, they retreated to the cigar room’s leather sofas to watch the Yankees game and talk about a cigar’s “finish.” And their net worth.

I kept thinking, “Am I in Portland?” It was marvelous…

Until next time, you can email me at: blogaboutmeinexchangeforfreealcohol@portlandmercury.com…because that’s how journalism really works.

I went to check out the Chesterfield Club on Friday for their invite-only opening night. It’s on the first floor of the red building that went up next to the Portland Rock Gym, with the Rocket, the new restaurant venture from the people who brought us Noble Rot upstairs. The party was packed by the time we got there, so much so that it was hard to get a really good sense of the decor—all I could see was people. The coolest part about it, though, is there’s a loft area with a giant seating pod in it, upholstered in perforated black leather with red trimmings. That spot would be perfect to reserve for a li’l party or something. We hung out in the pod for a while, and my companions sampled some of the “eh” looking appetizers being doled out for free—by all accounts they were pretty good, but I’d much rather go back and sample the actual menu. As far as the E Burnside strip goes, all in all I’d say the Chesterfield is a lot more Doug Fir than B Side, and I’m sure they’ll get a lot of cross traffic from across the street—especially on the weekends. Anyone else go check it out? Or the Rocket?

After a weekend of doing god knows what—and Lindsay Lohan, we’re talking to YOU—a person sometimes needs something stronger than coffee to get the brain moving. And sometimes that requires watching a weird European egg person spouting baby talk while trying to sell you chocolate. While I’m not sold on chocolate, he did sell me on curling up in a ball underneath my desk and praying for this day to end. Here’s your marijuana freakout for Monday!

Last Friday PDX Pop Now! awarded the kids of Parkrose Middle School who took part in “Re-leaf” (the school’s homework completion incentive program), with a free local music concert. Performances by The Shaky Hands, Syndel (of Siren’s Echo), Alela Diane and Soul P went over very well for both the kids and the bands. The enthusiasm of the crowd was absolutely genuine (little kids don’t text message, or stand cross-armed, during concerts), and it rubbed off on the performers, who all seemed incredibly excited to be playing on a cafeteria stage and gymnasium floor.

Since not all kids were as fortunate as me, attending my first Huey Lewis (“Hip to Be Square Tour!”) concert at age 9, this was their first experience to not just live local music, but live music in general.

Thankfully no one took photos of me buying cigarettes for the kids after the show, but here are some of the day’s performances…

The Shaky Hands are the greatest thing to happen to Parkrose Middle School's cafeteria since Sloppy Joe Tuesdays.

Soul P got spirit yes Soul P do, Soul P got spirit how bout you?

Roust yourselves from slumber, Blogtownies! The new week is off and running…

1.Street Sense won the Kentucky Derby, in front of the Queen of England, no less. Prompting some sports writers to get a little carried away with their intros…

2.Portland is the best place to live in the entire universe! [so says a guy who lives in Portland…I mean, come on, New York Times, run my “Portland, the City That Sucks” piece already!]

3.France has a new president, Nicolas Sarkozy…after winning a bitterly fought election against socialist Segolene Royal, Mr.Sarkozy appears to have celebrated in true French style, by bonking his wife: “After a night of celebrating, Mr. Sarkozy and his wife, Cécilia, slipped away from their home outside Paris early today without saying where they were going…”

4.Shoplifters in Alabama choose between 60 days in jail, or wearing “I’m a thief” signs outside Walmart:
Expect similar signs outside Tiffany’s in New York, soon.

5.The Oregonian’s David Austin wisely counsels Portland’s teenage girls, asking, “Want to be Queen of the Rose Festival?” Anorexia is one way to go about it, “in a culture that places a high value on looks.” Seriously, read the piece. I’m sorry for the girl involved, but the editorial logic is moronic. It’s like reading The Onion’s Women’s Issue without the irony.

6.Death to America! A new BBC series looks at why America’s image around the world “has never been so poor.”

7.Gawker’s Unethicist hits a home run this week, so those poor old Yankees don’t have to.

8.Shock! Lindsay Lohan loves drugs!

You be sure and have a great day now, Blogtownies, whether YOU love drugs, or not.

So you’ve heard the adage don’t mix wine with beer with booze. Umm yeah, that’s a good idea I didn’t take to heart last night. So much like my drunken Saturday, we’ll be mixing a plethora of spirits on this week’s Best o’ the Blog.

Amy J. Ruiz can’t find coffee in the middle of the night. This is a big, big problem. And our readers seem to agree.

In celebrity news, Monica Lewinsky is spotted in the Pearl District. We think she’s planning on becoming a permanent Pearlie.

I’m not the only one mixing my drinks… Paris Hilton goes to jail because of her boozy breath. And just in case you haven’t seen the Hoff drunkenly chowing down on a hamburger. Check it out here.

The Mercury’s Matt Davis has multiple run-ins with an ex-con he has pissed off. At first, it’s funny… then the fear sets in.

Film Editor Erik Henriksen bemoans the passing of the Chuck Norris craze, only to find out it’s not that easy to get rid of the Chuck.

While Chas Bowie found the most amazing skateboarder ever.

Ozone Records is closing, which makes my hangover feel even worse. Plus Disjecta might be moving out of the Templeton Building.

And finally, Marjorie Skinner debates the fashion worthiness of DryHigh Rain Chaps.

Now say good-bye to the Beaver, as we enter this highly anticipated next week in Blogtown.

Last night was the big ‘ole YACHT on a Yacht event, a hipster booze cruise where not one person lost his/her lunch over the deck, but plenty sported an ironic captain’s hat. Performances by DJ Beyonda, Bobby Birdman, and a brief three song teaser set by the YACHTster himself, Jona Bechtolt. The event was a ton of fun and definitely raised the bar when it comes to CD release parties.

To add to the yachting mood, here is ‘N Sync and Christopher Cross doing his hit, “Sailing,” which features no actual sailing, but plenty of head-set mics and flying. Yes, flying.

More pictures of YACHT on a Yacht, not ‘N Sync on wires, after the jump…

Bridge & Sewage.

Safety first, kids.

Big magical red arrow helps lazy journalist avoid putting down his drink and actually getting closer to the music he is getting paid to cover. Thank you magical red arrow!