Lordy. It’s been almost a month since somebody tried bribing the Mercury to blog about them in exchange for free alcohol. I was hoping to make this a regular series of blog posts, but apparently Portland’s “ethics” are above such behavior. Frankly, paying for the stuff had started to hurt my wallet. Thanks be to God, then, for the folks at El Gaucho.

On Friday night, my wife and I each enjoyed a game of poker, a Monte-Christo number 2 (that’s a $20 cigar) and two well drinks on the house. Scotch. Mmm—in El Gaucho’s shameless attempt to generate publicity for its monthly poker tournament. ($75 per person buys you what I’ve just described, plus the services of a professional dealer and a shot at a decent-ish prize, on the first Friday of every month.)El Gaucho is a curious place. Our opponents all seemed loaded—LOADED, and more interested in smoking cigars in the company of other rich people than in winning the prize. Which, I have to be honest, I thought was absolutely awesome, although unless like me you have high class aspirations, the chances are you might hate it. It’s not for everyone.

The game was of a high beginner’s standard with the two most aggressive betters winning out. I came a respectable fourth out of nine players but would bet much harder next time. My wife came eighth, but managed to turn her early defeat into a sound networking opportunity, receiving two rather bizarre job offers before the night was out.

The appetizers—steak tartare, oysters, and little cubes of sirloin steak, were appropriately high brow, and excellent, while my cigar tasted a lot subtler than a Swisher Sweet. As people lost their seats at the table, they retreated to the cigar room’s leather sofas to watch the Yankees game and talk about a cigar’s “finish.” And their net worth.

I kept thinking, “Am I in Portland?” It was marvelous…

Until next time, you can email me at: blogaboutmeinexchangeforfreealcohol@portlandmercury.com…because that’s how journalism really works.