Friday is here at last, and for those of you not already intoxicated on something, (it’s 9.11am! what do you mean you want to be “productive?”) here’s the last news you’ll be able to make sense of until Monday. Speaking of intoxication…

1. Oxy-con-artists: Makers of the “painkiller” Oxycontin have been found guilty of misbranding it, making claims that it was less likely to be abused than traditional drugs like Vicodin and Percocet. The problem? It wasn’t. I’ve just chewed one and now, it feels like I’m on the set of an early nineties Depeche Mode video.MAKE MINE A BLUE ONE…

2. Mormon abortion flip-flopper Mitt Romney tries to convince Conservative Christians he’s a safe bet for President, having already won over so-called “liberal” Portlanders. So it goes!

3. A Wichita mother has been indicted for selling her teenage daughter for $3000. Warning: This is a very creepy story.

4. Tony Blair to meet Bush, looking for a “happy ending” to his doomed tenure as British Prime Minister. Warning: This story is perhaps creepier than the last.

5. Russia’s riot police indulge in a bizarre show of strength to deter “troublemakers,” fuelling fears that Vladimir Putin’s regime is lurching further into the shadows of its former democracy. Portland Police Chief, Rosie Sizer, does not say: “we could learn a thing or two from their techniques.”

6. City Commissioner Randy Leonard votes the wrong way, by accident. Admits it, allowing everybody to move on. Although perhaps not quite yet…

Have an OXYCONTING weekend, Blogtownies!