News never takes a holiday. News writers, on the other hand, will jump at any excuse to piss off work and spend the day wasted and baking in the sun. At any rate, here’s the daily ration of news you need for the day.

Unbelievable: Somebody finally clued President Bush into the fact that there’s something called a “genocide” happening in a country called “Sudan” in some crazy-ass continent called “Africa.” (“You mean like that place from the movie Congo?” Bush asked his advisers.) In response, Bush is now ordering sanctions against the Sudanese government. (I thought sanctions didn’t work?) Here’s what he said: “For too long, the people of Darfur have suffered at the hands of a government that is complicit in the bombing, murder and rape of innocent civilians,” Bush said in an early morning announcement. “I promise this to the people of Darfur. The United States will not avert our eyes from a crisis that challenges the conscience of the world.” Oy! A government complicit in the bombing, murder, and rape of innocent civilians? I wouldn’t go near any mirrors for a while, Bush.

Unstable: Rachel Smith, aka Miss USA, fell on her big dumb beauty pageant ass during last night’s Miss Universe event in Mexico City, causing these United States of America to come in fifth—FIFTH!—in the competition behind Venezuela, South Korea, Brazil, and first place winner Japan. I demand sanctions!

Unwinnable: Military mom-turned-antiwar activist Cindy Sheehan has done what Bush refuses to do—quit an unwinnable war. According to a post on DailyKos, she’s decided to closed down Camp Casey after realizing that elected leaders in this country—including Democrats—are incapable of listening to reason. A little parting swipe: “Casey died for a country which cares more about who will be the next American Idol than how many people will be killed in the next few months while Democrats and Republicans play politics with human lives.”

Unfathomable: Eight U.S. troops were killed yesterday in a series of events that can probably only be described as a clusterfuck. A chopper gets shot down, and two emergency vehicles are hit by roadside bombs while rushing to the scene. But, really, they were defending our freedoms, so everything’s all right.

Unstomachable: Fuck.