• Lou Pearlman—the boy-band empresario behind Backstreet Boys and N*SYNC, who stands accused of securities and bank fraud—is finally discovered hiding in Indonesia, and says “Bye-Bye-Bye” to freedom. (That’s an N*SYNC joke by the way, and… oh, forget it.)

• Girls Gone Wild douchebag Joe Francis is sued again—this time by two women who had NO IDEA they were being lured on the GGW tour bus, and plied with liquor, to engage in sex scenes that would be shown to the world on two extremely popular DVDs. I’m not blaming the victim. I blame society.

• Presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani doesn’t want the media to mention that his wife is a puppy killer. Consider our lips sealed.

•Paris Hilton is back in her old cell at the all-women’s correctional facility after finally being declared “medically stable.” Hope she brought enough cigarettes to trade for Prozac.

•An internal FBI audit reveals that the organization may have violated privacy laws over 1000 times while collecting information on individuals. But… but… PRESIDENT BUSH PROMISED!!