In breaking news, a Washington, D.C., judge has ruled that no pair of pants is worth $54 million.

Lordy, lordy, look who’s totally reasonable: Despite her husband’s ongoing “internal conflict” over same-sex marriage, Elizabeth Edwards has come out swinging for marriage equality. “I don’t know why somebody else’s marriage has anything to do with me,” she said. “I’m completely comfortable with gay marriage.”

Also reasonable—addiction doctors who’ve realized that playing video games is absolutely nothing like being addicted to heroin, no matter what out-of-touch, fear-mongering daily newspaper writers will have you believe.

Democracy is on the march—unless we disagree with the results! Hamas has been thrown out of the Palestinian government, despite being legitimately elected, and in a strange turn, both Arab leaders and the Israeli government are supporting the rival Fatah party at a summit in Egypt today. Surprise, surprise—as soon as Hamas was tossed out, Israel released some of the $700 million in frozen tax revenue to the Palestinian territories.

State Senator Kate Brown has announced she won’t be returning to the legislature, fueling speculation about her political future. Is she going to run for U.S. Senate? Governor in 2010? Secretary of state? Mayor of Portland???

No more bong hits for Jesus, at least not until you graduate from high school. The U.S. Supreme Court ruled in a 5-4 decision against a former Juneau, Alaska high school student who was suspended for unfurling a banner that read “Bong Hits 4 Jesus.” Boiled down, the ruling was that schools have the authority to ban speech on campuses that they believe advocates drug use. SQUARES!