In case you’re bummed out by the whole Monday thing, take heart in knowing that we live in the Garden of Eden, at least according to this pot-smoking transplant who sends a message to you, Portland, via us:

“Truly, this is Eden”, remarked my accomplice in relocating to Portland. We find our heroes conversing over a bowl of abundant medicinal wonder in the extinct volcanic remains turned recreation for which to view the captivating City of Geeks. I posit the question, “Do they know how good they have it here?”, handing over the colorfully crafted apparatus. “No…”, he replied, “No I don’t think so. At least not if they were born and raised here.” In Louisiana, we grew up in hundred degree heat with subtropical humidity. Public transportation was non existent, the same goes for a persistent sidewalk. Natural beauty meant dealing with poisonous snakes, rednecks and spiders. The envy of the neighborhood was a dead deer in your yard, suspended from a tree, skinning the fur and flaying the flesh for all the world to see. It is your glory, your splendor, when you go outside on the Fourth of July and let loose several rounds from your hunting rifle instead of purchasing fireworks. Don’t forget to bring your gun with you to the library, it is your right, and who knows, the Union Army might pop out of a history book at any given moment with Ulysses S. Grant shouting the orders to commence fire. To clarify matters, these activities I submit to you, are done in what would be the equivalent of South East Portland suburbia. Did I mention there is a Vegan hunting season in Louisiana? That’s right. Bag all the Vegans you want, one day a year, April Twentieth. The next time Trimet is running late, the rain won’t let up, you get sick of protesters, that liberal douche bag you just want to bitch slap won’t shut the hell up, you get asked the fifth or sixth time for spare change by the same person not five minutes apart, an Asian man steals your panties or that goddamn hipster bastard who knows there is a zero tolerance for fighting in Portland just keeps pushing your buttons and starts to make you consider the greatness of Portland… take a deep breath, relax and remember that others view Portland as Eden… Then laugh at the liberal douche bag’s efforts no matter the subject and lament to the hipster that his father was to passe to have known to pull out. - D