According to Victor Willis—that’s the “cop” lead singer from the Village People—the group’s hit song “Y.M.C.A.” is not as much about being gay, as it is hanging out with your straight buddies. Ohhhhhhh… the fans of the NFL must be so relieved. From Towelroad…

Says Willis’ publicist Alice Wolf: “Victor Willis wrote about the YMCA and having fun there, but the type of fun he was talking about was straight fun,” insists Wolf, adding that Willis has nothing against homosexuality. ‘When he says, ‘Hang out with all the boys’… he’s talking about the boys, the fellas…. But it’s one of those ambiguous songs that was taken that way because of the gay association with Village People.’”

Ohhh-kay. So let’s judge for ourselves, Judy! Check out the original giggle-inducing video for “Y.M.C.A.” and decide for youself: gay anthem, or bro anthem?

(By the way, if sports franchises are going to play the song, they should be REQUIRED to play the video as well. Just sayin’… BRO.)

Do not think about yellow elephants. I mean it. DON’T.
YELLOW ELEPHANTS: Verboten…ban them from your thoughts…

Similarly, the police bureau is asking people coming to the annual low rider show at the Expo Center on Sunday not to even think about any gang related activity. Do you hear that? From the Bureau:

This event brings together car enthusiasts from around the area to admire a unique type of vehicle.

LOWRIDER EXHIBITION: Don’t think about gangs, okay. Quit it.

The Portland Police Bureau is also partnering with other city agencies and members of the community. Community members and the Police Bureau would like to remind those attending the Low Rider Show that the event is about cars and the artists that create them. This event is not about violence or membership in a gang, and there are no other permitted events attached to this show. It is for this reason that gang attire will not be allowed to be worn at the Exposition Center.

They really mean it. Don’t.

In an effort to make this a fun, safe event for all this year, community outreach members and members of the Portland Police will be present at the event, and officers will be available to respond to disturbances or traffic problems.

So. If you’re a gang member, and you’re thinking of starting anything, I’m telling you, SUNDAY at the EXPO CENTER is TOTALLY NOT THE PLACE TO DO IT. There’ll be lots of COPS there to make you feel even more like it’s NOT THE PLACE TO VENT ANY ANTI-COP FEELINGS. In no way would that be a good idea. I mean it. And I can guarantee you that nobody in the police bureau will be ON EDGE at the EXPO CENTER, either. So it’s not making things more dangerous. This is all about KEEPING YOU SAFE. And yellow elephants.

Have a good weekend.

There’s so much going on this weekend… add this to the list: The 13th Annual Bones & Brews festival, which promises live music, tons of barbeque, and 30 microbrew taps. The whole shebang is a fundraiser for the Oregon Zoo. Ribs, beer, helping adorable zoo animals. Everybody wins! Except for vegansexuals.

NW 14th & Flanders, Sat 11 am-9 pm, Sun 11 am-7 pm, $2 donation

Since the illustrious Marjorie Skinner is on vacation, I thought I’d pass this along. Nolita, one of Portland’s favorite denim stops, is having a mondo summer close-out sale starting this Saturday. For one week, you can get everything from the summer season (men’s and women’s fashions) on sale, up to 70 percent off. Plus they’re getting new shipments from Helmut Lang, John Varvatos, Vince and Velvet.

Get thee shopping.

Nolita
Hours:
Mon-Fri 11 am-7 pm
Sat 11 am-6 pm
Sun noon-5 pm

I had all of these plans this weekend: Read The Road. Watch Seven Samurai. Read Fables and Joss Whedon’s Runaways issues. Maybe cave in to this nagging sense of cultural obligation and see The Simpsons Movie. Drink beer. Etc.

But then I found possibly the most insane site in the history of the internet. So screw all that other crap, because I’m pretty sure I’ll be at FanFiction.net for the next few days.

This site is—and there’s no other way to put it—absolutely batshit fucking crazy. A repository for all the god-awful horrid fan fiction ever written by anyone ever, it features ye olde standbys in fan fic—geektastic amateur works based on Star Wars and Xena—but also has a whole bunch of unexpected confusion. Fan fiction about Pump Up the Volume? Cruel Intentions? Gilmore Girls? Felicity? Nash Bridges? American Beauty? Dharma & Greg?

WHO THE FUCK WATCHES DHARMA & GREG AND DECIDES TO WRITE STORIES ABOUT IT?

And let’s not even get into the Bridget Jones’ Diary fanfic. Or the SpongeBob SquarePants and Pirates of the Caribbean crossover. Or the really, really creepy My Chemical Romance one.

Thanks (I guess) to the blog of one Julianne Shepherd, former Mercury arts editrix.

I was only saying last week how sad it is when you only realize who someone is in awkward circumstances—like when their dogs maul people to death, for example. As has happened today!

Still, dog-maulings aside, I’d never heard of him. But it turns out Ving Rhames played Marsellus Wallace in Pulp Fiction. And that “The Interrupter” has a psychosexual fixation with old photographs of him (thanks to Gorilla Mask for the link):
INTERRUPTER: Obsessed with Ving Rhames.

I don’t know any Irvings, much less many ‘Vings. But it’s one of the most awesome abbreviations I’ve ever heard.

It’s Friday, it’s going to be time to leave work soon, and you need to accomplish several things on the sooner: drink a beer; eat something; mingle with likeminded society. Do all three at Jacé Gacé (2045 SE Belmont), which is having an opening for their most recent show, getyourselfaneducation from 6-9 pm. You can also get yourself a grilled cheese waffle at this carb-happy joint.

Remember when Jason Lee used to be awesome? Oh, those were the days.

Now he’s in Underdog. Which we happen to have a web-exclusive review of right here. (Just FYI, if you value those high school-era memories of getting drunk with friends and repeatedly watching Mallrats, you might not want to read it.)

Things are poppin’ this weekend with PDX Pop Now! and the Pickathon!

FRIDAY
Ash Street Saloon–Maniac Lok, DJ Chill, Kenny Mack, Debonaire Boys, Mr. DOG, Ray Ray, Cousin Fik, Certified, Chef Boy R Bangers, 97211, 8 pm, $10-12
AudioCinema–PDX Pop Now!: MarchFourth Marching Band, Hey Lover, Braille, The Blow, Junkface, The Beauty, Pocket Parade, Hooliganship, The High Violets, Typhoon, 6 pm, free, all ages
Dante’s–Jason Isbell & The 400 Unit, Mike D & Thee Loyal Bastards, Moonshine Hangover, 9:30 pm, $8-10
Doug Fir–Bishop Allen, Page France, Jeff Hanson, 9 pm, $10
Fez Ballroom–Shut Up & Dance: DJ Gregarious, 10 pm, $5
Hawthorne Theatre–The Rentals, Copeland, Goldenboy, 8 pm, $17-20, all ages
Holocene–Bluetech, Rena Jones, Jamie Janover, Loki, 9 pm, $8
Jimmy Mak’s–Devin Phillips & New Orleans Straight Ahead, 8 pm, $15
Kelly’s Olympian–Black Cobra, Rabbits, Diesto, The Saviours
The Know–Montauk, 8 pm
Mt. Tabor Legacy–The Prids, Swan Island, Magick Daggers, DJ Blackhawk, 8 pm
Music Millennium NW–Jason Isbell, 6 pm, free, all ages
Pendarvis Farm–Pickathon: Weary Boys, ShinyRibs, Chatham County Line, Erin McKeown, Sassparilla Jug Band, Crooked Jades, Oz Street Fossils, Two Man Gentlemen Band, Alela Diane, Raina Rose, Langhorne Slim, Caleb Klauder, The Tallboys, The Gourds, Po’ Girl, Reverend Peyton’s Big Damn Band, all day
Satyricon–Christ on Parade, Resist, Dog Soldier, The Estranged, Dispossessed, 7:30 pm, $8, all ages
Slabtown–Sexy Pants, KRA 999, The Punk Group
Someday Lounge–Globalization: Strategy, Mark Templeton, Randy Jones, White Rainbow, Lullatone, 9 pm, $7
Trust Lounge–Trust This: DJ Joee Irwin, 8 pm, free

Check out Saturday and Sunday’s music events after the jump.

SATURDAY
Ash Street Saloon–Titans of Oblivion, Death Valley, Ronster, DJ Mee'oww, 9:30 pm, $5
AudioCinema–PDX Pop Now!: The Snuggle Ups, Copy, Black Elk, The Ocean Floor, Hungry Mob, Swim Swam Swum, The Maybe Happening, Starfucker, Ethan Rose, Per Se, Point Juncture, WA, Soda Pop Kids, Aristeia, Gulls, Corrina Repp, Dragging an Ox Through Water, The Vonneguts, Hurah Hurah, The Pink Snowflakes, noon, free, all ages
Bagdad Theater–Rock 'n' Roll Camp for Girls Showcase, 5 pm, $7-10
Doug Fir–Derby, Charmparticles, Lael Alderman, 9 pm, $8
Dunes–Come Alive!: Dome, Tortuga, Lady B, Curtis Vodka, Flufftronix, 8 pm
Eagle's Lodge–The Hunches, Times New Viking, Eat Skull, Little Claw, 9 pm, $6
Embers–Mr. & Ms. Leather Oregon State Leather Contest
Grapedrink–Braille, Sleep, John the Baptist, Da'rel Junior, 8 pm, $7
Holocene–Summer Jamz '07: Dirty Money, DJ Beyonda, DJ Linoleum, DJ Ninjah, 9 pm, $3
Liberty Hall–Darfur Benefit: Autopilot, Pachi Pamwe, Alia Farah, 6:30 pm, $5-10
Mt. Tabor Legacy–Clay Wheels, Yes Father, The Marginal Way, The Grindline Band, 7 pm
Pendarvis Farm–Pickathon: Langhorne Slim, Dale Watson, Martha Scanlan, Jason Webley, Reverend Peyton's Big Damn Band, Handsome Family, Drunken Prayer, Horse Feathers, Ian Thomas, The Breakmen, Alela Diane, The Wood Brothers, Caroline Oakley, Gregory & The Hawk, The Tallboys, Two Man Gentlemen Band, Erin McKeown, Chatham County Line, Crooked Jades, Danny Barnes, Po' Girl, Sassparilla Jug Band, Caleb Klauder, The Hunger Mountain Boys, all day
Satyricon–Street Dogs, The Tossers, Krum Bums, Rum Rebellion, 7:30 pm, $12, all ages
Secret House Vineyards–Felt, Living Legends, Sage Francis, Brother Ali, Cage, Mr. Lif, Grouch, Eligh, Blueprint, Hangar 18, Lucky I Am, 1 pm, all ages
Tonic Lounge–SK's Punk Rock Circus: Hellside Stranglers, Muddy River Nightmare Band, Bomf!, Howie & The Hot Knives, The Night, The Disciples of Rock 'n' Roll, Lickity, The Decliners, 9:30 pm, $8

SUNDAY
AudioCinema–PDX Pop Now!: Blitzen Trapper, Sandpeople, Yellow Swans, Evolutionary Jass Band, The Shaky Hands, Dat'r, Nice Boys, Laura Gibson, The Robot Ate Me, Blue Cranes, System & Station, Blue Skies for Black Hearts, Ape Shape, Gejius, Kele Goodwin, Bright Red Paper, Here Comes a Big Black Cloud, Libretto, The Sort Ofs, noon, free, all ages
Ground Kontrol–Black Sunday: Red Fang, Walken, Epileptinomicon, DJ Nate C, 9:30 pm, $5
Music Millennium NW–Lusty Leaf, Talk Here, Emily Katz, noon, free, all ages; Bite of Oregon Sampler: Adam & Kris, Sassparilla, Beliss, The Retrofits, Pilar French, Acoustic Minds, 2 pm, free, all ages
Pendarvis Farm–Pickathon: The Avett Brothers, Hacienda Bros., Trampled by Turtles, Po' Girl, Caleb Klauder, Jackstraw, Little Country Giants, Gregory & The Hawk, Two Man Gentlemen Band, Captain Bogg & Salty, Flat Mountain Girls, Caroline Oakley, Sassparilla Jug Band, The Breakmen, Ian Thomas, Martha Scanlan, The Hunger Mountain Boys, all day
Satyricon–Fear Before the March of Flames, 65 Days of Static, YouInSeries, This Will Destroy You, 7 pm, $10-12, all ages

A weird story just keeps getting weirder:

The artworld is still in shock over the double suicide of video artist Jeremy Blake and his girlfriend, game designer and screenwriter Theresa Duncan last month. Blake was an incredible artist whose work bled into pop culture when he created those dreamy colorscapes in Punchdrunk Love and the similar effect on the cover of Beck’s CD Sea Change. Duncan authored the extremely popular blog Wit of the Staircase and was being hyped as the “female Michel Gondry,” thanks to her screenplay, Alice Underground.

On July 10, Blake went home to discover that Duncan had killed herself (pills, alcohol, and a suicide note were found nearby). One week later, Blake swam out to sea at New York’s Rockaway Beach; five days later, his body washed up in New Jersey.

This morning, the LA Times has a fascinating story that chronicles the couple’s detachment from reality. One tidbit from the story really jumped out:

Blake and Duncan were sure people were conspiring against them — in particular, the Church of Scientology.

In a 27-page “chronology” written by Blake in October in preparation for a lawsuit against the church that was never filed, he alleges the couple was “methodically defamed, harassed, followed and threatened” by Scientologists. The document lists Tom Cruise, filmmaker-artist-author Miranda July, writer-director Paul Thomas Anderson, former Viacom Chief Executive Tom Freston, alternative rocker Beck and Art Forum Editor Tim Griffin, among others, as players in the dispute. In addition, a number of Hollywood talent agents and major league art collectors were accused of being in on the conspiracy…

Also in the chronology, Miranda July is accused of spreading unspecified defamation about Duncan in New York and is identified as a “Scientologist filmmaker” even though she is not affiliated with the church. July declined to comment. And a spokeswoman for the Church of Scientology, Karin Pouw, called the conspiracy allegations “bizarre.”

It’s clear that Blake’s accusation is baseless; the article also writes, “In the spring of 2006, according to the chronology, Blake and Duncan began documenting cars with Florida license plates and graffiti (some allegedly resembling Duncan’s signature) in their neighborhood as more evidence of the conspiracy. Around this time, Blake tossed urine onto the barbecue of neighbors who the couple suspected were Scientologists.”

July could not be reached for comment; she is too busy working on the screenplay for Me, You, Emperor Klaxatu, and Everyone We Know.

I just ran across a pretty hilarious article in the NY Times documenting some of the inappropriate drunken behavior that regularly occurs at New York’s finest restaurants. Apparently, rich people get wasted and puke on themselves too. I’ve never seen anything like what is described in this article happen Portland, but I don’t spend all that much time in fine dining settings, and I’ve never served in one. (I could tell you some stories about the Rialto… but I doubt any of them would be all that surprising.) I did once ruin a particularly poignant going-away dinner at Le Pigeon by accidentally getting wasted next door at rontoms while we were waiting for our table—I had to go sit in the car while my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend had our dinner boxed up. Still regret that one. (The leftovers did make the best hangover breakfast ever.) But compared to some of the shit described in this article, I’m a regular model of decorum:

THE Bordeaux was flowing, the foie gras abundant and the well-heeled epicures at Daniel were having a refined old time when suddenly all eyes turned toward a table against one wall and all conversation ceased.

Jean-Luc Le Dû, a sommelier in the restaurant, looked in that direction, too. And he saw her: the woman making like a dancer on a pole at Scores.

She stood facing the rest of the dining room. First she took off a vest or a jacket, as best Mr. Le Dû remembers. Then she went to work on her blouse.

Anybody ever witnessed anything like this in town?

Rescue workers are relieved that the Minnesota bridge collapse produced substantially fewer deaths than originally feared. That doesn’t mean we’re still not mad at you, bridge!

Top three Dems in dead heat in Hawkeye State! (Translation: Obama, Clinton, Edwards are tied for first place in Iowa. Why can’t they just say so?)

Bush signs homeland security bill, “intensifying the anti-terrorism effort” which would insure screening of cargo and passenger planes as well as container ships. But what about Osama bin Laden’s army of nuclear bomb sharks?

According to Page Six, “There’s a salon chair in Paula Abdul’s house where she gets her hair and makeup done every day. She’ll sit in it, set an alarm, and then, because she’s on so many painkillers, pass out while her hair and makeup guy gets her ready for the day. When the alarm goes off she’ll wake up, and God forbid the poor guy isn’t done yet. All hell breaks loose.”
Now there’s a girl who knows how to manage her time.

A freelance videographer is suing the City of Portland and Police Bureau Officer Mark Zylawy over allegedly being shoved to the ground without provocation while filming a political protest at the Lloyd Center in January 2006. FREEDOM OF THE PRESS: When it comes to our constitutional rights, this poster has it all wrong…

Carey Klein says he was following a group of political protesters and documenting the event with a video camera—he frequently films events at political protests and marches with the specific purpose of documenting aggression and violation of civil rights by police officers—and that he followed the political protesters through the Lloyd Center. From the lawsuit:

After [Klein] exited the Lloyd Center behind the protesters, and was leaving the property of the Lloyd Center via a covered parking area, a private security guard grabbed the plaintiff by the arm and said, “Time for you to go.” The plaintiff did not resist the instructions of the private security guard. Plaintiff continued walking toward the edge of the Lloyd Center property on NE Multnomah Street. Immediately thereafter, Defendant Officer Zylawy pushed Plaintiff very hard from behind without provocation or giving any prior warning or notice. Plaintiff fell hard on the concrete floor of the parking area.

The suit alleges Zylawy acted without lawful authority and used excessive force, and that a reasonable and prudent law enforcement officer would not have thrown Klein to the ground when he was complying with all lawful orders. Klein alleges breach of his fourth and fourteenth amendment rights against unreasonable seizure, the Police Bureau’s failure to adequately train Zylawy, and the breach of his first amendment right to freedom of the press.

Plaintiff was engaged in constitutionally protected conduct; to wit, peaceful filming of protest activity for the purpose of publication on Indymedia, a public news website.

Klein is suing for almost $13,000 in damages for violation of his rights and the resulting loss of dignity, emotional distress, anxiety and fear of being jumped by police without provocation, non-economic damages for physical pain and suffering, medical care and lost earnings, as well as attorney fees. Klein also wants an injunction preventing the cop from approaching videographers at protests, until he is retrained.

It’s against police bureau policy to comment on open lawsuits, and Klein’s attorney, Benjamin Haile, is not commenting further on the case at this time.

The suit is particularly interesting because it asks for a reasonable (i.e small) amount of money, compared to other anti-cop lawsuits, and appears to be equally about making the constitutional point over freedom of the press as it is about directly accusing the officer involved. What do you think?

This Wednesday, August 8, Portland City Council will hear the first ever challenge to the city’s Equal Benefits Ordinance, which is designed to require city contractors to provide benefits to same-sex partners of employees if the company offers benefits to employees’ spouses.

But the challenge, coming from Qwest, isn’t what you might expect.

Qwest is not currently in compliance with the EBO, but has a contract coming up with the city to provide services for the 9-1-1 network. Qwest and the city have gone back and forth for months negotiating a waiver of the EBO requirements, and the Bureau of Technology Services and the Bureau of Purchasing have agreed to grant a waiver, since Qwest is the only company who can fill the contract. (Not to get too technical, but it’s a “sole source” exemption, which is allowed under the ordinance.)

Infuriating, right? One of the largest companies in the area is using its dominance to avoid a city ordinance designed to treat workers fairly and equally.

Only, here’s the complication: Qwest actually does provide health coverage to same-sex partners of its employees—it has for nearly a decade. What the company doesn’t do is provide benefits to opposite-sex partners of employees if they aren’t married. Unfortunately for Qwest, the city’s EBO doesn’t allow for that kind of “discrimination”—it requires that domestic partners, regardless of the gender makeup of the couple, to be offered benefits.

Another way to read that: Qwest is out of compliance with the ordinance because it discriminates against straight employees.

*I don’t think the comparison is funny either.*

Of course, to reach that conclusion, you have to buy into the framing of opponents of civil unions, who argue that they give “special privileges” to same-sex couples. That’s stretching reality; straight couples can legally get married, and domestic partnerships (and civil unions) are merely an attempt at gaining some of those protections.

So, is Qwest discriminating against straight employees, or is the city’s policy misguided in requiring benefits for straight domestic partners? Hopefully, Qwest’s challenge will force city council to address that question on Wednesday. (Council won’t vote on the waiver; that’s at the discretion of the bureaus. But they will be voting on the contract, which they can shoot down if they disagree with the bureaus’ decision.)

Commissioner Sam Adams, whose office crafted the ordinance, and Mayor Tom Potter already appear to be reluctantly ready to allow the waiver to go through.

“Qwest appears to be honoring the intent of the ordinance, which is to provide benefits to same-sex domestic partners,” says mayoral staffer Kevin Easton. “If this was a competitive bid, with one company fully in compliance and one not, it’d be a different story.”

Bottom line: Are we still having this discussion in the post-Sicko world? Doesn’t tying one’s health coverage to their job—or to their partner, and then to their sexual orientation—seem about as crazy as letting Adam Sandler be in a movie about straight men pretending to be gay?

Ha ha, yeah. That title surely won’t attract the attention of MADD and the OLCC.

At any rate—and believe me, this isn’t an impartial review—last Tuesday’s installment of Debate Club (Bikes Vs. Cars) was great, and it was all because of our excellent panelists (Sreya Sarkar, Mel Zucker, Jonathan Maus, and Scott Bricker), moderator (Commissioner Sam Adams), and all of our volunteers.

I, sadly, didn’t take notes, but Jonathan wrote a balanced, insightful review over at BikePortland.org, which I highly recommend you read. (Actually, I even more highly recommend you bookmark or subscribe to his site.) The crowd was huge—we couldn’t have squeezed any more people in if we wanted to—and the conversation was civil and productive.

Knowing that no minds were likely to change, and that we weren’t going to be rewriting city or state transportation policy, what we had hoped to accomplish with the event was to allow people with differing view points to voice and defend their opinions, in order to further everyone’s understanding of politically sticky transportation funding issues.

And on that, I think we succeeded. For all of the bikers who thought that everyone from the Cascade Policy Institute was a two-dimensional, cars-only monster, it was instructive to see that Sreya, who heads up the Wheels to Wealth program, is genuine in her passion for getting low-income people into good jobs. Just as it was instructive to hear that Jonathan and Scott both have cars, which they occasionally even drive.

The crowd was way pro-bike, and a vast, vast majority of the people who came rode in on their bikes. That either speaks to the fact that Portland is an overwhelmingly pro-bike city, or that bikers have far more passion about their transportation than car drivers, who tend to take their transportation for granted.

One of the strange highlights of the night for me was having Mel, Craig Flynn, and Steve Buckstein of the Cascade Policy Institute spend about 15 minutes after the debate trying to sell me on jitneys, privately owned cars that run on a fixed route and offer rides for cheap. Like a cross between a taxi and a bus but, since this is championed by libertarians, largely unregulated. They’re convinced that TriMet and bus driver unions are keeping jitneys illegal—but, seriously, guys, unregulated taxis? Doesn’t that seem a bit, I don’t know, dangerous?

The real highlight, though, was seeing Scott Bricker take on his role as interim executive director of the Bicycle Transportation Alliance (Jonathan notes this, too, in his post.) This was, as far as I know, his first public appearance in the role, and he brought the passion, energy, and intelligence you’d expect from the state’s leading bike advocacy group. Hopefully, it bodes well for the BTA.

Were you there? What’d you think?

p.s. Oh, we’ll have the bike vs. car video posted as soon as it’s ready.

Update: The video is here.

If you’re looking for something to do for First Thursday, but don’t want to hang around with a bunch of suburbanite yuppies, you should swing by city hall for a strange intersection of skateboarding culture, elected officials, and bureaucrats.

The kickoff of the month-long Board of Skate exhibit starts in, oh, about 10 minutes. Word has it that there’s a skate ramp outside the building, and that the building managers are a little freaked. Which means it should be a good time.

Zines, art work, photos, food, drink, etc.

As seen here previously, “Chocolate Rain” is the current video du jour sweeping internet-land. So much so in fact, there’s a host of parodies (as well documented by Sara Schaefer), which includes this BRILLIANT mashup of “Chocolate Rain” as sung by Kuato from Total Recall. Sooooo awesome.

Since everyone is asking, this is what “Baksheesh,” or بخشش, in the original Persian, means. I’m hereby importing it to Portland:

Baksheesh is a term used to describe both charitable giving and certain forms of political corruption and bribery in the Middle East and South Asia.

Right. So yesterday city council did its best to pretend that the Portland Business Alliance and the Portland Police Bureau are not in fact HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER. Metaphorically. However, this is not true. In reality, they are the Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowles of Portland City Government—the unacknowledged relationship that in fact cuts to the heart of the truth, and in future, could cause Portland’s legitimate wife, Princess Diana, to become BULIMIC and ultimately, DIE. Literally! Here is conclusive proof:
FORBIDDEN LOVE: Police Bureau and Portland Business Alliance…

Now that people have started questioning whether a private entity should ever fund public safety officers, everybody is blushing, and hiding the lipstick on their collars, and claiming nothing ever happened. You get the idea. “It depends what your definition of is…is…”

But it wasn’t always this way. Street Roots has unearthed a 2004 document that positively CROWS about the relationship between the PBA and the cops:

This program is the only program in the nation where private security and local police work together on the same program, under the same roof. Our innovative service plan was proposed by PPI in 1997 and brought to fruition in 1998 when the Assocation for Portland Progress (now Portland Business Alliance) and the Portland Police signed a long-term contract. The contract provides (2) police officers, later increased to (3), to work directly with the PPI. These officers work in partnership with PPI officers, attending PPI roll calls and carrying PPI radios. Their primary area of responsibility is assisting PPI officers with enforcement type activities.

As Street Roots points out: “While this does not exactly say the police officers are working for the PPI, it does expose the relationship being closer than the city wants to admit.” Hear here!

The document does not continue as follows, although there is always a next time to hire better writers:

In fact, this is the only program in the nation where private security and public safety officers meet in a restaurant, play footsie under the table and call each other “my little love pumpkin,” in hushed tones, before renting a motel room and getting nasty together. Metaphorically.

Three big filmmaking festivals/events coming up, filmmakers!

First up—and soon—is the 48 Hour Film Project, in which teams of filmmakers will assemble on August 10 to create a film in just 48 hours. Filmmaking begins on August 10 at 7 pm, films are due by 7:30 pm Sunday. Later, there’ll be a screening of the best films from the project (at the Hollywood Theatre, August 15 and 16, 7:15 and 9:45). It’s too late to register, but you can get on the waiting list to do so (or just get more info about the project) here.

Then there’s the solid Northwest Film & Video Fest from our friends at the Northwest Film Center, which features artsy and independent film and video from all over the Northwest. Luckily for you, slacker, the NWFC just pushed back their submission deadline to August 17—so you’ve still got time to enter your stuff into this one. You can get more info and submit your stuff at either nwfilm.org or withoutabox.com.

Finally, there’s Seattle’s Science Fiction Short Film Festival, which’ll be happening at Seattle’s kickass Cinerama theater this February. Selected films will play February 2 at the Cinerama, and the deadline for submitting stuff to the fest is September 15. This is a joint production between the Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame and the Seattle International Film Festival, and “promotes and encourages an awareness, appreciation and understanding of the art of science fiction cinema.” You can get more info about it right here.

(I took real pictures, but I am an amateur hack of a food photographer and none of them are any good)

After reading Food Dude’s glowing writeup of the Teardrop Lounge, I had to scurry on down and try it for myself. Word is that the new Pearl District bar aims to distinguish itself with an emphasis on seasonal and unusual house made cocktail ingredients. I know we’ve all heard THAT line before, but there are items on this menu I haven’t seen anywhere else: fresh elderflower syrup, canary melon, pomegranate molasses, tamarind nectar.

I only got a chance to try two drinks: The "agave buck," with tequila, house ginger beer, and lemongrass bitters, was understated and excellent, but sort of fundamentally uninteresting compared to just about every other drink on the menu (those are probably the most mundane ingredients on the entire cocktail menu—I immediately regretted ordering it instead of say, the Lychees& Herb, with pisco and lychee/lavender honey). I also tried an all-too-tiny sip of my friend's cocktail, a daily drink special with some kind of clove/bourbon thing going on that was pretty much one of the best drinks I've ever tasted.

Ingredients like these, of course, translate to high drink prices—and obviously, not everyone is willing to pay $7-9 a cocktail. I am. In fact, I'm far more likely to shell out for expensive drinks than expensive food. There are a ton of ways to eat well for cheap in this town (including cooking, which is a freaking delight this time of year—East Bank Farmers Market today, 3:30-7:30, SE 20th & Salmon), but you generally get what you pay for when it comes to booze—and if you've never dropped $9 on a really well-crafted cocktail, I'd suggest swinging by the Teardrop to give it a go. Say what you will about the atmosphere, these bartenders know their shit.

Other drinks on the menu: Smoke & Mirrors, muddle canary melon, rum, hibiscus water, and lime; Corpse Reviver#2, gin, lillet blanc, cointrau, lemon, pernod; a Sazerac with cherry-vanilla bitters and herbsaint; Little Cloud, with elderberry syrup, aviation gime, lime.

When I go back it'll be by myself, and I'll sit at the bar with a book and watch the bartenders work. I probably wouldn't hang out there with friends—the atmosphere didn't exactly make me feel comfortable (well, it's in the Pearl District, therefore by definition I'm not the customer they're trying to impress). The decor is on the sleek, chilly side, and the room is dominated by the central teardrop-shaped bar. There are a few tables, too close together for my taste, with low slung chairs that force you to lean back in a way that's not very conducive to conversation. There is some outdoor seating, which is nice.

OH YES: And poor people should hit up happy hour, which is not bad at all: sake sangria (w/seasonal fruit, sake, pinot, brandy, and spices) for $4/glass, two $5 cocktail options, and $3 bottled beer, 4-7 daily

Teardrop Lounge, 1015 NW Everett, 4 pm-close Mon-Sat

Nothing beats the heat like sno-cones, and yet? Portland is sadly bereft of this delicious icy treat. That’s why I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands, quit this stupid newspaper business, and set up my own cart featuring a SNOOPY SNO-CONE MACHINE. That’s right—much to my excitement, they’ve started manufacturing Snoopy Sno-Cone Machines again, which was one of my childhood favorites.

Simply grind up the ice, scoop it into the cup, and squirt it with red sugar syrup which looks distressingly like bloody urine. Eat, and consider that heat beat!

From the old inbox:
“hi chas. Here’s an art show thats sure to stir up a bit of a ruckus.”

If by “a bit of a ruckus,” you mean my lunch, you’re absolutely right.

“The Core”, a 3 and a half foot tall gallery in the Everett Station Lofts, will be converted into a giant uterus with a vagina for a door. Head first if you dare. Lots of red satin to gestate in, a glowing fertilized egg to ogle, and a soundtrack that makes you want to eat and shit through an umbilical cord again.

Years ago, I paid my dues at art school and sat around critiques for what seemed like eternity while people searched for something constructive to say about turning a broom closet into a vagina. Believe me, if I was so emotionally damaged that I sat around wishing that I could crawl back through my mother’s birth canal (I can’t believe I just wrote that), trying to replicate that experience on the sidewalk in Portland’s Chinatown as a grown man might be such a huge disconnect that I’d take that umbilical cord and wrap it around my throat. Yes, young artists—all long pointy things are dicks and all bowls, chambers, and holes are vaginas. So please spare me the displeasure of reading “If you’re not afraid of large woman-parts, squeeze back out with a new perspective.”

The Womb Room opens tonight at the Core, 625 NW Everett, #230, 6-10 pm

When not wagging his finger at cheating referees, NBA commish David Stern made some time to develop this season’s schedule. Thanks to the arrival of a certain player, the Blazers will finally have some nationally televised games. Eleven of them! I could be mistaken, but I believe they have had zero the past 2-3 years, so this is great news for the franchise.

The bad news is that the team starts the year on the road against those pesky World Champion San Antonio Spurs on October 30th. Channing Frye, protect your twig and berries, because Bruce Bowen’s knee is ready for you.

The Portland Tribune ran an editorial earlier this week on renaming Portland’s streets. The paper called for “explicit criteria for how a name change should be enacted” and said “the city of Portland should have a renaming process that serves these goals” of honoring an individual while defining and building community.

The thing is, the city already has that process. The city council, however, recently chose to ignore it when they renamed Portland Boulevard to Rosa Parks Way, as I detailed in a feature this week.

Had the city council insisted that those who wanted to honor Rosa Parks followed the city’s process for renaming a street, there likely would be less resentment over the speedy name change. Moreover, those who want to change N Interstate to César E. Chávez Boulevard would know exactly what’s expected of them. Right now, the good-intentioned committee is racing around, trying to line up community support from neighbors and businesses. They’re collecting signatures on a petition. But they’ve yet to file an official application with the city, the first step in the renaming process.

Instead—though the committee’s co-chair says his group will not emulate the Rosa Parks change, and go for a city council shortcut that waives city code (see that feature for a full explanation)—the Chávez renaming appears to be on the same City Hall fast track, as the group has help from Mayor Tom Potter’s office.

So the new Resident Evil 5 trailer debuted a little while back. As a gamer, I’m stoked—the fourth Resident Evil was one of the best games I’ve ever played, hands down, and from a gameplay and graphics perspective, this next installment’s certainly impressive. Anyway, here it is:

Notice anything weird?

Well, a bunch of people are already getting their hackles raised about the implications of race in the game—it’s a zombie game set in Africa, which means a lot (if not all) of the zombies are black. Combine this with the fact that it looks like RE5’s white hero/playable character is killing them off en masse, and it’s easy to see why people are writing all sorts of angry things about the trailer, and how the not-yet-released RE5 is surely poised to be the videogame industry’s latest assault on enlightened society.

Reactions/opinions on the trailer are strong, and can be seen everywhere from the increasingly archaic The Village Voice to commenters on gaming blog Kotaku.

Not sure how I feel about this one. On one hand, I can see the creepy racial overtones in the trailer—though I doubt they were intentional. (Intentional or not, one of the weirdest/most interesting/possibly troubling things about the trailer and its setting is the parallel between Africa’s AIDS epidemic, and the fact that usually in zombie games/movies, zombification is a blood-borne disease.) So I get where the trailer’s critics are coming from. On the other hand, I’ve heard so many ill-informed condemnations of violent videogames that at this point, I’m not sure how seriously to take these criticisms—I’ve gotten so used to hearing flat-out ignorant criticism about the supposed evils of videogames (from reactionary parents, religious groups, Jack Thompson, etc.) that I kind of automatically tune them out. Sure, I know that’s not the smartest thing to do—but seeing people who’ve never picked up a PlayStation controller get on a soapbox to rant about how terrible videogames are has a very limited appeal.

Anyway: Thoughts?

Another music section for a week that features PDX Pop Now!, Pickathon, and the single most important concert of the year, Hilary Duff.

Friends of P unite! The Rentals have returned. Now if we can just get Weezer to stay broken up, everyone wins!!
MP3: The Rentals - Little Bit of You in Everything

The past, and future, of San Francisco’s quirky The Papercuts.
MP3: The Papercuts - John Brown

Jason Isbell left is wife and his band, not necessarily in that order, and is now rolling solo. There will be no convoy for this lonesome trucker.
MP3: Jason Isbell - Dress Blues (This is one of the better protest songs of the post-Phil Ochs era)

When you aren’t basking in the awesomeness of PDX Pop Now!, hike up those overalls and head on over to this year’s Pickathon, which isn’t just for hippies anymore. Songs from two of the festival’s best acts are below:
MP3: The Avett Brothers - Paranoia in B-flat Major

MP3: Gregory And The Hawk - Oats We Sow

So I just got back from a camping trip, and apparently I ate a bad piece of bear gristle or something, because my stomach is a roiling cauldron of acidic poopy. (Too much information?) Anyhoo, for a more subtle depiction of gastrointestinal problems, check out this commercial for All-Bran Cereal. See how many metaphors for pooping you can spot in the background!

There’s some contradictory news this morning for anybody who thinks global politics is anything other than grown boys playing “capture the flag” with our planet. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe you’re reading something on CNN. As I type, two Russian submarines are dropping a capsule containing the Russian flag on the floor of the arctic ocean, under the ice at the North Pole in an attempt to lay claim to the oil and gas reserves there.

Its chief goal appears to be advancing Russia’s political and economic influence by strengthening its legal claims to the gas and oil deposits thought to lie beneath the Arctic sea floor.

…because there’s nothing more important to do in the world today than lay claim to some of the world’s last remaining oil and gas reserves. Spending the money on researching alternative sources of energy, or devoting your nation’s efforts to, I don’t know, challenging the US’s idiotic foreign policy—that’s a waste of time. But frantic land-grabbing? That really bodes well. Besides, wasn’t laying claim to something with your nation’s flag outdated even during colonial times? Eddie Izzard does a fine job of elucidating the ridiculousness of all this:

Thanks to dieselboi at Metroblogs for the linkage. Incidentally, sticking a flag in somebody else’s planet is just fine with me. As long as this country gets there first.MOON FLAG: Because the US won the space race. Stick that in your North Pole and smoke it…

Ugh. As many as 30 people are still missing from yesterday’s bridge collapse in Minneapolis. The scariest part: The bridge was inspected in 2005 and 2006 with no immediate problems noted. That should concern local leaders, since our bridges have lots of problems, and no money to fix them.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales says his embattled testimony may have been “confusing.” Arlen Specter calls it “misleading.” Keep digging that hole, Alberto.

Shocker! Bush rejects a subpoena that would have forced Karl Rove to testify before Congress about the fired U.S. attorneys. Executive privilege and all.

Sorry, Chas. R. Kelly will finally go on trial to face child pornography charges. God willing, he’ll sing his entire defense. “And now I’m asking for a dismissaaallll/This is me moving for a dismissaaalllll.”

A week after a UC Davis study showed that electronic voting machines can be easily hacked, three e-voting machine companies—Diebold Election Systems, Hart Intercivic, and Sequoia Voting Systems—are doing what they do best: Trying to change the results.

It’s rumored some minutemen are planning to protest this afternoon’s meeting of the mayor’s committee to decide on the siting of an East Side center for day laborers. I’m sitting in the meeting right now, and can’t see any obvious minutemen. But I can see this guy:Protestor: Don’t ask me…

He’s holding a sign that says “revolucion!”. I have absolutely no idea what he’s protesting or what he’s on about. But the room is full—there are representatives from Voz, the Mayor’s Office, police, business owners and neighbors from around the city.

I am also sitting next to a guy called David Cross, who describes himself as a “concerned citizen.” He’s delivered copies of a letter he’s written to the city commissioners and the mayor’s office before coming to the meeting, and from what I can gather, is very much against the building of a center for the day laborers. He’s a big chap with short hair and very big boots on.

The meeting is being facilitated by Judith Mowry of Resolutions Northwest—who also facilitated the January controversial meeting between the Chinese Community and the Regional Arts and Culture Council over the dragon sculptures in Old Town. I’ll let you know what happens.

5:30pm: The meeting ended officially after half an hour. But now Cross is challenging Mowry, asking her: “are you employed by the city?” She’s telling him she’s a consultant and got the job as a result of an RFP process. He says he was here thinking the meeting was about discussing whether the city is for or against the day laborer center. Mowry says that’s not right. It’s about deciding the siting. Cross says he doesn’t know why the city is doing this “for a group of people, my concern is that the City of Portland follow all rules and regulations relating to federal and state law. I’m concerned that this site may not follow state regulations because of the hiring practices where day laborers are concerned.” Here’s the exchange:CROSS MAN:David Cross.

Mowry has told Cross she “believes in democracy,” and although he was not allowed to talk during the workgroup meeting, she has given him a comment card to fill out. I wonder what he’ll write on it…

6:02pm: As I was leaving City Hall, I saw a group of about twenty protesters, armed with a megaphone. A group of them followed one lady, dressed in pink pants, who had been in the meeting, with the megaphone, as she got into her car. They shouted:

This lady is with Oregonians For Immigration Reform, a racist group that spreads lies on its website. A racist group with good Public Relations maybe, but a racist group just the same.

The loudspeaker guy wouldn’t give his name or affiliation, but said “You can use the name PAX.” The alleged OFIR lady in pink pants wouldn’t give me her name, either.And finally, as if all that wasn’t outlandish enough, a lady just walked past city hall wearing a gray leotard with pink neon spandex cycling shorts. I should hang around down here more often, it’s far more entertaining than sitting behind my desk at the office.Weird Afternoon: The icing on the cake.

Look, I know we all want to get home to our families, so I’ll make this brief:

*The city’s lobbying rules may get an extreme makeover after all. During a discussion to lower the quarterly threshold for lobbyist reports from eight to 16 hours, a majority of council talked Sam Adams into reconsidering a whole host of things in the ordinance—especially who gets exempted from the rules. He’s pledged to come back in two months with a list of changes. Side note: As I predicted (and bet $5 on), Randy Leonard made a speech about why neighborhood associations shouldn’t be exempted. Instead of taking his five dollar bill, I asked him to donate it to a worthy firefighter charity—and demanded a receipt. (BTW, Commissioner Leonard, the Former Firefighter’s Beer Fund is not a real charity.)

*The long-delayed Sweat Free Ordinance, which would require that all city purchases come from non-sweatshop facilities, will finally get a hearing on August 29. But, according to Terry Richardson, Adams’ labor policy adviser, the city and sweat-free activists haven’t agreed on how to enforce the ordinance, whether by joining a multi-city consortium (the activists’ choice) or by having local enforcement. It remains to be seen if that will get hammered out by the hearing date.

*Speaking of Richardson and labor…Adams is trying to push forward on his oft-discussed resolution to require city contractors to provide health insurance for their employees. A draft resolution currently making the rounds of commissioners’ offices proposes that all construction contracts with the city over $50,000 would require either health benefits to workers or a contribution to a health care fund that would be administered by the county. Weirdly, one of the other requirements for contractors would be to “Establish a comprehensive drug-testing policy that also provides for education, prevention, and rehabilitation.” This is just a draft, and only a resolution at that, which means it’s basically just a statement of intent and not “law,” but still? Drug testing for all city contractors? That doesn’t sound like Portland. Update 5:15: The drug testing requirement has now been pulled.

*More Adams (Jesus, doesn’t anybody else do any work around that building?): The brand-spankin’ new version of a familiar bike-sharing/rental program is one step closer to reality now that a Request For Proposals has been released. Proposals to create and run the program—beginning with 500 bikes—are due by September 7. While waiting to read the bids, feel free to check out Paris’ new Velib bike-sharing program, which was championed (okay, probably railroaded through) by the city’s Socialist mayor, Bertrand Delanoe. With 10,600 bikes currently, a plan to increase by 10,000 by the end of the year, and a goal to reduce car traffic in the city by 40 percent by 2020, it’s obvious Paris isn’t screwing around. But the question still lingers…will Portlanders go for a hi-tech bike rental program?

As far as I know, the shared bikes don’t come standard with pin-up girls.

p.s. It’s weird, but all of a sudden, reporters are actually showing up to council sessions. Not only were both Matt and I there this morning, but so was WW’s Casey Jarman Corey Pein and the two new Oregonian city hall reporters, Jim Mayer and Andrew Dworkin. Even weirder? Three out of five of us were wearing black hi-top Chuck Taylors.

PICA’s TBA Fest starts in about five short weeks, but tickets and passes for all the shenanigans officially go on sale today. (You can pick them up online, by phone [224-PICA] or in person at 224 NW 13th.) The TBA lineup looks as impressive as it ever does—there are some returning favorites, like the Nature Theater of Oklahoma and Andrew Dickson as well as first-time visitors we’re really excited about like Claude Wampler and Kassys. Passes are pricey—$50-275, depending on how much you want to attend. Per performance, the cost is completely reasonable, but if you’re trying to catch 5 or 25 performances over the course of the festival, you need to start budgeting now.

OR…..

You can volunteer. Twenty-five hours of volunteering gets you a flex pass, or you can usually work it out to where you volunteer for the show you want to see most, and catch it that way. Plus, a lot of the volunteer gigs are pretty cushy: bartending, being an usher, gallery sitting, etc. It’s hardly manual labor. If you’re interesting in volunteering, you can contact volunteer@pica.org, or better yet, show up for one of the three training sessions at PNCA (corner of NW 13th & Johnson):

•Tues Aug 7, 6:30 pm
•Sat Aug 18, noon
•Wed Aug 22, 5:30 pm

Plus, if you’ve ever been to TBA before, you know that the volunteers are usually attractive and super helpful. I think you see where I’m going with this.

The TBA guidebooks haven’t hit the streets yet in hardcopy, but they’re available for download as a PDF, so you can start blocking out your calendars early.

According to the Houston Chronicle, Lybrel, the first birth control pill that eliminates the menstrual period entirely, hits pharmacy shelves this week (thanks Broadsheet).

Of course, women have been skipping their periods while on the pill for ages now, just by eliminating the placebo spacer pills included in every pack—I’m not sure how (or if) this new pill differs, except that no placebo pills are included in the pack, and its marketing is more aggressively geared toward convincing women that periods are unnecessary.

Still, some women balk at the idea of eliminating the period completely, having been taught since adolescence that bleeding every month is a sign of health and fertility, as well as reassurance that they’re not pregnant. To go without a period, some say, is simply unnatural.

“Not that I always enjoy my cycles, but I wouldn’t want to get rid of it,” said Kiara Ward, 17, of northeast Houston. “It’s there for a purpose.”

And then, my favorite part of the article:

But gynecologists say that’s not necessarily true. Women are designed to be pregnant or nursing, which causes menstruation to cease, during their child-bearing years, said Dr. Patricia Sulak, a professor at the Texas A&M Health Science Center College of Medicine. Instead, because of the availability of contraception and women’s modern roles in society, they’re having periods every month, year after year.

“Women are having too many periods today,” said Sulak, who specializes in menstruation suppression.

Does the phrase “women are designed” just raise your hackles? And while we’re on the subject, for those of us who don’t artificially regulate our cycles and are thus still subject to insane fucking mood swings, does anyone use any of those period-tracking websites? I remember seeing a site a while back that let you plug in the particulars of your cycle and would then send you reminders when PMS was approaching. I need to get on that, so I know which days I shouldn’t drink gin. All I can find is My Monthly Cycles, which is a little… pink, though it looks pretty comprehensive. Any suggestions? And please don’t say a calendar.

The three police officers whose salaries are to be paid for the next ten years by the Portland Business Alliance are to be supervised by the rent-a-cop firm PPI, alongside a Portland Police Bureau sergeant, and not exclusively by the Police Bureau, as was implied at this morning’s council session on the contract, according to the wording of the draft contract obtained by the Mercury.

Supervision of the PPB officers assigned to the Clean and Safe program will be provided by the Clean and Safe security contractor and a PPB Sergeant designated by the Commander of Central Precinct. The PBA Director of Clean and Safe will have periodic access to the PPB Officers so the officers may provide input to the overall Clean and Safe program.

The Clean and Safe security contractor is currently Portland Patrol, Inc.—whose boss, John Hren, was not present at the City Council meeting this morning. Reached by telephone just now, he declined comment. The PBA Director of Clean and Safe is Bill Sinnott, who was there this morning but not required to testify.

In another interesting twist, I’ve just heard that the PBA’s lobbyist, Bernie Bottomly, is related to the Oregonian managing editor, Therese Bottomly, who has covered local news at the O since 1983. I have left a message on her voicemail asking whether Bernie’s perspective on local issues ever influences her own. It’s yet to be returned. Another former Oregonian reporter, Sandra McDonough, is now executive director of the Portland Business Alliance. The PBA has declined comment.

Seems like restless popsters Blitzen Trapper have been making a lot of news recently, and looks like they are not finished. Newly inked to Sub Pop (who will be releasing their excellent Wild Mountain Nation album internationally, everywhere but the States, on October 22nd), the band just announced a tour with one of my favorite bands, San Francisco duo Two Gallants. Dang.

Tour dates below…

8/03/2007 Seattle WA The Crocodile Cafe
8/05/2007 Portland, OR PDX Pop Now! Festival

9/17/2007 Portland OR Berbati's Pan*
9/18/2007 Vancouver BC Media Club*
9/19/2007 Seattle WA The Crocodile*
9/20/2007 Boise ID Neurolux*
9/21/2007 Salt Lake City Kilby Court*
9/22/2007 Denver CO Hi-Dive*
9/23/2007 Rapid City SD The Imperial Inn*
9/24/2007 Fargo ND Aquarium*
9/26/2007 Minneapolis MN Turf Club*
9/27/2007 Iowa City IA The Picador*
9/29/2007 Chicago IL Schubas*
9/30/2007 Cleveland OH Grog Shop*
10/2/2007 New York NY Gramercy Theatre*
10/4/2007 Philadelphia PA First Unitarian*
10/5/2007 Boston MA Middle East Downstairs*
10/6/2007 Baltimore MD Sonar*
10/7/2007 Washington DC Rock and Roll Hotel*
10/8/2007 Chapel Hill NC Local 506*
10/9/2007 Atlanta GA Drunken Unicorn*
10/12/2007 Baumont TX Votex*
10/13/2007 Austin TX Mohawk*
10/15/2007 Tucson AZ Solar Culture*
10/17/2007 San Diego CA The Casbah*
10/18/2007 Los Angeles CA El Rey*

* with Two Gallants

Last night’s visit by sexysexysexy Rufus Wainwright got me thinking about my favorite member of the Wainwright clan, the eldest one, Loudon Wainwright III. I’ve been a fan of the clever folk music of poppa Wainwright for years now, plus it’s an added bonus to see him pop-up in just about every Judd Apatow film.

MP3:
Loudon Wainwright III - Daughter (often known as that one song from the credits of Knocked Up)

Loudon Wainwright III - Hank And Fred (Mr. Rogers, NPR’s Bob Edwards and Hank Williams, all somehow crammed into the same song)

LWIII will be at the Aladdin Theater on September 17th.

Starting tomorrow, every Siskel & Ebert review ever will be available for free online. (And yes, so will the reviews Ebert did with various other critics and filmmakers after Siskel’s death, but c’mon, as if anybody gives a shit about Richard Roeper.)

This is pretty awesome. Being able to go back and watch their reviews of films that’re 20 years old will be a blast. Even better, you’ll be able to search for reviews by title, director, and actors. Cinematical has the whole story; the site where the videos will be hosted is here.

That said, I don’t care how awesome it will be to see Siskel and the Eeb (yes, that’s what he asked me to call him) give two thumbs up to Point Break—it won’t hold a candle to this, an unaired outtake from the show that has the two of them basically insulting each other for four and a half minutes and also features (A) Siskel encouraging everyone to overthrow the government and (B) Ebert making fun of Protestants. Obviously, it’s excellent.

We at the Mercury hereby decree it Tracy Morgan Day, for no reason other than the fact that the following video has been cracking us up so hard all morning. It’s all outtakes of Tracy Morgan adlibbing lines for some terrible looking movie called Totally Awesome, and it’s the funniest thing I’ve seen in forever.

Portland sure loves its chalk—anytime there’s a crowd of people you can be guaranteed that some kid brought some chalk to draw on the sidewalk. So Oregon Literacy is taking it one step further and organizing over 30 local artists to create literacy-themed artwork down at Pioneer Courthouse Square on Saturday. You should check it out—it’s free! There will also be a book fair run by Multnomah County Library’s Bookstore.

Chalk it Up for Literacy
Saturday, Aug. 4
10 am-4 pm
FREE

In a city where “public involvement” is the mantra of city government, it’s the ordinances that pass with none of it that deserve most scrutiny. So it’s ironic to be sitting in city hall this morning listening to council discussing lobbying rules, with council about to vote without so much as a whisper on a ten year extension of the contract between itself and the downtown business community (represented by the Portland Business Alliance) to pay the salaries of three cops.

Lobbying is one thing, but if you really want influence down at city hall, it seems buying three police officers is a subtler way to go about it. And nobody asks you to declare your economic interest (as if it weren’t obvious) or scrutinizes your involvement in the shaping of public safety policy too closely. To hammer the point home: The Portland Business Alliance (PBA) is led by a former Oregonian reporter, Sandra McDonough, who wants downtown to be a place where suburban shoppers can feel comfortable spending their money. It has lobbied consistently to make it illegal for homeless people to sit on the city’s sidewalks, and pays $1.5m per year for private rent-a-cops to patrol Old Town and downtown’s parks—dressed like cops, many of whom carry guns, and with no public oversight. Do a search on this site for “PPI” or “Portland Business Alliance” if you like.

Central Precinct Commander Mike Reese is here, sitting next to Mark Warrington, the public safety manager of the Parks Bureau, Mike Kuykendall of the Portland Business Alliance, and Bill Sinnott, director of the PBA contracted Clean & Safe program. Dan Handelman of Portland Copwatch is signed up to testify, and Street Roots wrote to the mayor and all the city commissioners yesterday to question the wisdom of the BAKSHEESH contract extension.

11:20am, here we go:

Central Precinct Commander Mike Reese just made a one minute statement, then Dan Handelman said this: “What we have is in this case extending a contract for ten years to provide police officers essentially to a private entity, the Portland Business Alliance. I understand the value of public/private partnerships, but there’s a thing called tax money. And most people, when they pay tax money, who get the same services as everybody else.”

“In this case what we have is a private entity paying the salaries of police officers to do something that, I assume, is pleasing them, otherwise they wouldn’t continue to pay. I think this would be better to a have a serious discussion with the community about what this means. If we raise enough money, can we buy our own police officers, too?”
COUNCIL: Randy Leonard questions Central Precinct Commander, Mike Reese (right.) PBA lobbyist Bernie Bottomly (left), and Copwatch activist Dan Handelman (middle) listen to the discussion.

Randy Leonard said: “This money pays for police officers to a private entity. But it’s my understanding that they augment the officers assigned to central precinct. But that the individual officers who work downtown don’t even know that their salaries are being paid by the Portland Business Alliance.”

He got his information from the PBA’s lobbyist, Bernie Bottomly. It’s wrong.

Commander Reese: “The officers that are assigned to work with PPI under this contract work directly for me. They’re accountable to the citizens of downtown Portland. We do liasons with Clean & Safe, and the officers who are riding bicycles carry Clean & Safe radios as well as ours. We have 3 officers that are dedicated to that detail. It can rotate but generally we like to keep the same three officers because they know the business owners.”

Leonard: “Do these officers narrow what they would do because their salaries are being paid by the PBA?”

Reese: “…they do.”

Leonard: “You see what the issue is here. There is some sense that they’re just doing the work of the PBA.”

Leonard basically accused the PBA’s Bottomly of misleading him, but of course, after a bit of back and forth, the contract extension passed. But then, you’d expect it to. Neither Kuykendall nor Sinnott from the PBA/Clean&Safe were required to even speak.

I’m glad the discussion was at least raised. The mayor pointed out that the Police Bureau also contracts with the Housing Authority of Portland and the Lloyd District to pay for cops. But should anybody be paying the salaries of our police? Other than the city, I mean.

Dan Handelman says: “The public should be paying for the police, and everybody should receive equal service. The implication that the PBA is not getting any better service than anybody else is ridiculous. If a downtown homeowner calls non-emergency and says ‘there’s a drunk guy on my lawn’, they’re going to have to wait until the end of a long list of calls to get any service. But if a downtown business owner calls Clean & Safe, then boom. One of these three cops is going to be there. Isn’t that wrong? It’s just wrong.”

I hope to God we don’t start playing this in our office. New glasses are expensive.

Hey Nico (and Margot Tenenbaum) fans, take a minute to enjoy this beautiful cover of “These Days,” courtesy of St. Vincent.

She (St. Vincent, not Nico or Margot) will be performing at the Doug Fir tonight.

Assuming you’ve got a little space to spare, what better accessory could you ask for at a “fueled” get-together than this giant labyrinth game?! Thanks to Lynn at Oregon Media Insiders for spotting this. They’ll deliver to anywhere within 10 miles of downtown Portland for an extra $20, although I can’t see where they say how much they actually want for it. How about donating it for our Mercury charity auction next year, guys? We’ll just, er, store it in the office for safe-keeping until then:LABYRINTH: David Bowie is actually hidden inside. You hear? That muffled “mmpaarrrrr mphhmaaaaan….” noise is him singing.

You know, when I wake up every morning, I like happy things. Good, wholesome things. Like bunny rabbits or orange juice.

And on days like today, I sometimes warm up the news feeds and see what’s pleasant in our world.

1. OH, NO! More than 65 people dead in bombings? The Iraqi coalition government: a house divided? People are dying in Iraq???

2. WHAT?!? Judge says U.S. violated the rights of detainees in the past? Immigrant detainees? The U.S. violates the rights of detainees???

3. NANDE?!? Another blow against Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe? A resignation in his cabinet? Possible corruption? Politicians abuse their power???

4. OH, MY GOD! NSA surveillance program broader than previously indicated?The U.S. spies on its citizens???

By this time, I’m thinking the Internet is a scary place. But then I read this and suddenly everything is alright.

(At least until tomorrow.)

This morning, as expected, Jeff Merkley, Speaker of the Oregon House of Representatives, filed a statement of candidacy to take down Republican Senator Gordon Smith.

His campaign website is here, and for more analysis, see this week’s Mercury.

If tonight’s Mercury debate club on bikes vs.cars has taught me one thing, it’s that bicycling makes you better looking. Thanks to all the “beautiful people” (Sam Adams’ words, not mine) who showed up tonight at RonToms for convincing me to make more longer trips. I want the chiseled cheek bones. The washboard abs. That’s all there is to it. Although strangely, this obvious benefit of cycling wasn’t covered during the wide-ranging debate. Anyway here are some snaps:Especial thanks to Commissioner Sam Adams for moderating the discussion, and to panelists from left to right: Mel Zucker (from the Oregon Trasportation Institute), Sreya Sarkar (from Wheels to Wealth), Jonathan Maus (from BikePortland.Org) and Scott Bricker (of the Bicycle Transportation Alliance). It was a moving occasion. Get it? Moving?! Ha. I crack myself up sometimes. Seriously though, thanks for giving me such an interesting evening, everyone! (And of course not forgetting the Mercury’s own news editors Scott Moore and Amy Ruiz who did all the hard work co-ordinating with the Bus Project to pull things together.)