1.ANYTHING GOES! A town in Maine celebrates July 4 by commemorating a bygone aspect of this country’s history: the right to free speech. “What it’s all about is being able to say whatever you want,” says one obvious terrorist.

2.GOREY DETAILS! Former next President’s son arrested for drug possession, although he was driving a hybrid at the time. Meanwhile Gore cancels interviews promoting his Live Earth concerts, just as they draw scorn for hypocrisy. Crisis management consultant, anyone?

3.iSHITE! Apple phone breaks after four days. Customer faces Sisyphean refund battle. You’re surprised?

4.BARTSIMPSON-WILLY-GATE! New film features a full-frontal shot of Bart, to “annoy religious people,” says show’s creator. Also announces a sequel in which Marge will be wearing an Islamic hijab. Just kidding. About the Islam thing, I mean. [glances nervously out of the newsroom window, considers hitting “delete”…][doesn’t]

5.MELLY DEAD. “I’ve always said I wanted to die either coming off stage with the applause in my ears or of a terminal stroke on a river bank with two trout by my side,” said the alcoholic intellectual bisexual, arch provocateur jazz singer, who had refused treatment for his lung cancer and kept performing. Until now.Rest in peace, George. And can I have your suit?

Good day!