You might remember that a couple of weeks ago, I inadvertently signed up for Focus on the Family’s magazine and newsletter, during a brief, ultimately unnecessary phone call.

Well, yesterday, I got my first bit of mail from them, and I can’t tell you how excited I am! I mean, just look at this letter!

Welcome to the family indeed! They hope my initial contact with them exceeded my expectations—boy did it!—and I’m important to them, and they want to make sure things start off right!

They also sent along a brochure, which looks a lot like they want me to join their dental plan.

The brochure is filled to the brim with blessed—as in “blesst”—ironies, none so rich as this one:

Got that? Every family is worth strengthening and defending—even if your child came out an odd shade of brown! How open and tolerant and embracing of diversity!

Oh, wait—what about families with same-sex parents?

Hmmm?

Ohhhh, riiiiight.

When you say “every” family, you mean “every family we approve of based on our selective interpretation of an ancient, contradictory text, coupled with our unrealistic conservative politics.” Gotcha.