Okay, not really. (All together now: Phew.) But that’s what Wendy Molyneux hypothesizes over at McSweeney’s, and for lovers of Cormac McCarthy and/or haters of Brett Ratner, her “Brett Ratner’s Notes for his Film Version of The Road by Cormac McCarthy” is pretty excellent.

Possibilities to play the father/son duo:

• Brad Pitt and Maddox Jolie-Pitt. If so, have them ride around on ATVs instead of walking. Walking is boring.

• Will Smith and Jaden Smith. Loved them together in Pursuit of Happyness. Maybe talk to Will about doing a hot soundtrack. Would Will’s wife play movie wife? Remember to ask. Also, in book, wife is dead. Rewrite this. Have her be alive and like blowjobs.

• Father needs “buddy.” See if Jackie Chan is available. If not, maybe Andy Dick?

• If we switch the father/son to mother/daughter, get Angelina and Shiloh. Keep ATVs.

The whole sad/funny thing is here. Thanks to loyal Mercury reader Tena for the heads up.