1.CONTEMPT-GATE! The White House misses its subpoena deadline to hand over documents relating to the National Security Agency’s wiretapping of overseas communications. “Follow the law, and don’t act like you’re above the law,” says Senator Patrick Leahy, chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee investigating the program.WHITER-THAN-WHITE HOUSE: BECAUSE ITS SHIT DON’T STINK…

2.DEANGATE! Hurricane Dean hit the Mexico coast this morning. You may not know that an earthquake also devastated Peru last week, but evidently that’s because acts-of-God in poor countries only matter when they threaten to cross our borders. Quick! Somebody build a wall in Texas!

3.MUSLIM-GATE! A new government-sponsored British civics class encourages young Muslim boys to ask how the prophet Muhammad would tell them to behave. “In one example, the students were to be asked what they would do if a friend bought a large quantity of fertilizer and announced he planned to build a bomb out of it.” The boys were not asked how they might behave if a fictional fellow student, ‘Ahmad,’ decided these classes were full of shit and he wasn’t buying it. Still, early days…

4.NIKE-GATE! Nike boss Phil Knight gives $100m to the University of Oregon’s athletics program. Knight did not tell the press: “Darfur can wait until they name another building after me.”

5.VICK-GATE! Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick disproves the old adage that “no publicity is bad publicity,” by pleading guilty to his role in a dog fighting ring. The celebrity blogger at What Would Tyler Durden Do? responds to the news by posting a [horrible, you’ve been warned] picture of a dog injured in a fight, and says Vick can “burn in hell you piece of shit.” Somebody’s going to need one hell of a publicist after serving their jail sentence.

And don’t forget, GENTRIFICATION-GATE! Lots of hipsters [no offense! I am one!] and mostly white people, probably [once again, no offense!] will be wringing their hands over gentrification tonight at the Mercury’s debate club, in association with The Bus Project, at Rontoms on East Burnside. 7pm. I’m going to be there, and if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion: So should you be.

Good day!