That great disturbance in the force you just felt, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced? That was Jenna Bush and her boyfriend, Henry Hager—a former intern for Karl Rove—formalizing their hell-spawned relationship by getting engaged. To mark the occasion, Hager gave Jenna a ring forged in a lake of burning sulfur, and Jenna devoured the souls of 1,000 orphans.

For NASA astronauts, the good news is they don’t have to go out and repair the tile damage on their shuttle. The bad news? It’s the same sort of damage that caused the Columbia to disintegrate upon reentry. Gulp.

This shouldn’t make anyone nervous at all: Vladimir Putin says Russia will resume strategic flights of long-range bombers for the first time since the collapse of the Soviet Union. On a related note, who’s up for watching Red Dawn sometime this weekend?

What does presidential hopeful Bill Richardson have against the free market? He’s just fired one of his top aides, Kristian Forland, after it was revealed that Forland once worked as a bookkeeper/property manager for a brothel in Nevada.

Alice Cooper is… building a Christian teen center? What’s next? Iggy Pop acting on kids’ TV shows?

Things go from bad to worse in Utah, as three rescue workers were killed and six injured in a cave-in, as they attempted to reach six trapped miners.