(Wm. Steven Humphrey is away today. It takes TWO staffers to fill his Good Morning, News shoes!)

1.IRAQ-NAM! President Bush encourages a hostile crowd (er…) of veterans from foreign wars to “resist the allure of retreat in Iraq,” arguing that to pull out now would echo the Americans’ failure in Vietnam, effectively accusing his critics of forgetting the mass killings in Cambodia that followed the American retreat. Historians say Bush is full of shit, because the Khmer Rouge would never have risen to power in Cambodia in the first place, were it not for the tsunami of anti-American sentiment caused by this country’s presence in Vietnam.

“The same thing has happened in the Middle East today. Foreign occupation of Iraq has created far more terrorists than it deterred..”

Says an expert on the history of American policy.Still, nice try, George.
Saigon, 1975: President Bush is just out of shot, in Texas…

2.TOO POOR FOR A DOCTOR? GO TO WALMART. Where the standard of care will be identical to that of a traditional family doctor, no fuck-ups will be made due to confused regulation, and the doctors are in no way, whatsoever, shilling for the drug companies. Honest.

3.WATERGATE-GATE. Republican consultant Roger Stone, who cut his political teeth working for the Committee to Reelect the President (NIXON) in the early 1970s…yes, the same CREEP that paid for the Watergate break-ins, and who-knows what else…has resigned as consultant to New York Senate majority leader Joseph Bruno, after being accused of making a threatening anonymous phone call to Governor Eliot Spitzer’s father, calling him a “phony” and a “psycho.” The Republicans are trying to investigate Spitzer for alleged issues over his campaign financing when he was running for Attorney General in 1994. Stone is what’s known as an “aggressive political strategist,” who “knows the gritty underside of American politics.” Since you’re out of a job, Roger, I hear the Portland Business Alliance is recruiting.

4.PUTIN’S TITS! Wow. I guess the KGB had a pretty aggressive PT instructor, Vladimir:
PUTIN:Buffsky Buffsky. Grr.

5.LOH-AA-N. America’s true princess has arranged for OK! magazine to do a photo-shoot with her in rehab. I wonder if they need any assistants. [Sigh…]

Good day!