NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Fox has canceled Anchorwoman after only one episode. The network claims the decision was based on “low ratings.”

The West Nile virus has “exploded” in Canada, and experts believe the worst is yet to come. If you ask me, God’s punishing them for Celine Dion.

Write your own punchline: Scientists have discovered a gaping hole in the universe, and it’s apparently the biggest, emptiest void they’ve ever found.

In other science news, experts think they may have found evidence for life on Mars, with potential microbial life forms in soil samples taken 30 years ago. “Cohaagen, these people need aaaaair.”

Those scrappy Lake Oswego little leaguers are out of the World Series, having lost to Lubbock, Texas 8-2. Now, all they’ve got to look forward to is a lifetime of upperclass luxury.