Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has finally resigned his post, after what was probably the most embarrassing year in any federally appointed bureaucrat’s life—well, since Hurricane Katrina, anyway. He said his very worst days on the job were “better than my father’s best days.” Pretty sure his father might disagree. At any rate, the announcement came a week after U.S. Senate candidate Jeff Merkley called for Gonzales to be impeached—see, political rhetoric does have real world implications.

Speaking of suicide! Polarizing actor Owen Wilson was hospitalized yesterday, and some tabloids (bastions of journalistic ethics) are claiming it was a suicide attempt. Here’s hoping he’s all right. (I’m in the “he’s hilarious and makes every movie he’s in better just for his presence” camp.)

Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki has hit back at U.S. politicians—notably, Hillary Clinton—who’ve been calling for him to be replaced. “There are American officials who consider Iraq as if it were one of their villages, for example Hillary Clinton and Carl Levin,” Maliki said. Umm, might it not be a little too late for that, since we’re, you know, occupying their country?

Northerners can relax—the South has finally gotten so fat that there’s little chance they’ll be able to get off the couch long enough to rise again. To the surprise of exactly no one, obesity rates in America continue to rise, with 31 states clocking increased fattiness in the last year. Who’s number one? Mississippi, which was the first state to break the 30 percent obesity mark, followed closely by West Virginia and Alabama.

Celebrity dog-killer (okay, alleged dog killer) Michael Vick has apparently had his come to Jesus moment—literally. “Through this situation I’ve found Jesus,” he said. “What I did was very immature so that means I need to grow up,” he added. No, Michael Vick, what you need to do is sit behind bars for a long, long time, preferably with a very large, very lonely, animal-loving cell mate.