Today is the kind of news day that would’ve worked William Randolph Hearst into a frenzy. He would’ve left puddles of frothy drool atop his desk as editors read off the day’s news. Let’s honor Hearst’s legacy of yellow journalism with some salacious headlines.

What’s first?

1. IDAHO SENATOR LIES HIS GODDAMN HEAD OFF TO SAVE HIS CAREER After this latest incident of “conservative Republican who opposes gay rights gets caught wanting random sexual favors from an undercover male police officer,” one begins to suspect that they should just run sting operations like this on all Conservative republicans. They could make a TV show out of it. (I can see it out now—“To Out a Hatemonger.” Chris Hansen will be sitting there in a harness and stirrups, begging for the clammy touch of some repressed reptile of a Congressman.) Sen. Craig’s plea that he “never [has] been gay” isn’t convincing fellow Republicans such as former Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney, who has taken great pains to let Craig know that he’s not “part of the club” anymore.

“Gay people scare me. I’m afraid if they touch my stuff they’ll spread their gay-itis and I’ll catch it. In the ass.”

2. SEVEN SOUTH KOREAN HOSTAGES STILL FACE IMMINENT DEATH The Taliban released a dozen South Korean hostages today. Seven more remain in the Taliban’s custody. (For those keeping count, that makes a total of 14 released, 2 dead, and 7 still in captivity.) In return for the releases, South Korea will pull their troops out of Afghanistan by the year’s end. This action will no doubt put the Taliban in a better position to take over more of Afghanistan. The resurgence of the Taliban, who had a weak foothold on Afghanistan after the initial invasion of American forces a few years back, can no doubt be attributed to moronic leadership.

3. SUDAN NEEDS YOUR MONEY The question is… what will your money help? Will it fund genocide? I know charity is always earmarked for one thing, but the reality is that the Darfur/Sudan conflict is still unresolved as of yet and money has a way of funneling elsewhere. Who knows—maybe the floods will unite the war-torn country? I’m curious to see how this plays out.

Well, I hope one of these stories starts a war. Good day!