• MSNBC douchebag Tucker Carlson claims he assaulted a gay man for coming on to him in a bathroom. OOOOH! Did you use your big, mean, red bowtie, Tucker?

• Insulted that the Iraq Report criticizes the military’s performance, the Pentagon has asked that certain parts be revised (primarily the stuff that criticizes the military’s performance).

• Actor Viggo Mortensen describes Veep Dick Cheney as “very Nazi.” That must mean Secretary Mike Johanns of the Dept. of Agriculture is only “kinda Nazi.”

• Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney: “He May Not Be the Best, but He’s the Sweatiest.”