If the heading wasn’t obvious enough, the Portland Adult Soapbox Derby is this Saturday, 10 a.m., at Mt. Tabor Park. SO GET YOUR HUNGOVER ALCOHOLIC BUTT OFF THE SIDEWALK TOMORROW AND GO. (Click here and here for more info.)

Last year, fix Diesel Teaser V beat 40 other contestants to obtain first place—and I don’t think I’m assuming too much to say that they would like to win again. After all, winning is good. What is better than to crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women (and men)? *

So, what are the reigning champions up to lately? Putting the finishing touches on their latest speed machine. The Mercury obtained top-secret info from fix yesterday through that most patriotic of traditions: SPYING! We set up illegal surveillance cameras and wiretaps everywhere throughout their production facility. Most importantly, we obtained a secret spy photo of fix’s newest victory machine: fix Diesel Teaser VI. The Diesel Teaser appears to have been dismantled, rebuilt with bionic parts and fine German engineering. There’s also talk of cosmetic changes that are sure to make the vehicle even sexier in the final product. But enough talk: on with the vehicle porn!

Last year’s model

This year’s model

When asked for official comment, fix representative Chris Bleiler said this:

“Much time has been spent developing the rear end of the Diesel Teaser… for other racers to enjoy.We’re looking forward to kicking every other two-man car’s ass. Including Manateevil.”

There you have it, folks. Better get to Mt. Tabor tomorrow.

It’s gonna be a bloodbath.

*Quoted with all respect to Robert E. Howard.