This just in from a reader named Michele:

I recently performed an an unbiased and scientific analysis of Portland’s 4 major newspapers. The Mercury clearly came out on top position! The numbers are the occurances found, by vigorous probing with Google, of the two most important words in the English language: vagina and penis. The total usage of vagina and penis in a newspaper is a sound and reliable means of evaluating the quality of the paper as a whole. The balance of usage of vagina and penis is a good indicator of the paper’s overall balance of news coverage. Here are the results:

In rating the frequency of use of penis and vagina, all the papers displayed evidence of misogyny, sadly including the Mercury. The Tribune possibly won with their use of penis almost as much as their use of vagina. However, their rank is statistically uncertain due to their near abstinent use of these words. The Oregonian’s stroke tally came in third place, just barely a head of the Tribune’s. The Willamette Week was a surprise with its huge usage of penis, with vagina taking a serious pounding. What’s up with that! WW must work hard to correct this slight to women! Merc, you are so close, but not quite in the right place. Just a little bit more grind on the muff and you find the position that satisfies everyone.