This email just came in, from someone claiming to be the son of Portland’s most hilarious city commissioner, Randy Leonard:

Dearest Portland Mercury,

I want to thank you for destroying what should have been a guilt free night. I was laying in my bed, watching Conan and making some Fantasy Football decisions (Hi, welcome to Losertown, I’m the Mayor. Oh, you’re seventeen? Maybe we should go get something to eat…but it’s my duty as an Inactive Reservist in the Coast Guard to tell Greg Oden about it).

Now, I’ve perused the LoveLab the last couple’ve weeks. The “I Saw U” section is always interesting and hopeful. Maybe a girl saw me buying comics and I smiled at her and now we need to make out. Or maybe I was riding my scooter and got busted checking out a girl who was walking down Hawthorne and now we need to make out. Anyway, Conan was taking a commercial break so I clicked on over to the Mercury. Scrolled down to click my ol’ buddy Love Lab…and…wait. What? Why do I feel the pangs of guilt. Like…like I’m being watched…judged.

Then I see a familiar face on your home page. Familiar to many I suppose. But not in a “have you done your homework” familiar. It’s my dad. On the very page that I’m on…that I was going to use to see if a girl wanted to recite lines from Preacher to me. Oh, and he’s covered in butter.

Thanks for that, Mercury.

I do have to say, I’m glad his butter hogging has finally come to public light. Now hopefully he’ll get the help he needs. Your photo of him covered in butter actually makes me thankful. It reminds me of the days that he used to have pictures of himself covered in mayonnaise. At least, he SAID it was mayonnaise. I miss Uncle Frank.

-Ryan Leonard