• GET ON YOUR BIKES AND RIDE: Oil prices hit a new record high!

• REPUBLICAN BUTT-LICKER: Due to her glowing recitation of the Bush Administration’s talking points, CBS anchor Katie Couric is the newest “conservative’s sweetheart.”

• “I JUST NEED MORE TIME!”: President Bush is preparing to ask the country for more time to let “success bloom” in Iraq. Tell that to the Sunni sheik who was just assassinated by al Qaida. Oh… you can’t. HE’S DEAD.

• SHOCKING REVELATION: For her botched performance at the VMAs, it has been revealed that Britney Spears’ abs were painted on. Fine by me… where do I sign up??