• Bush tries to calm down a jittery America about the nation’s economy by impersonating Kevin Bacon in Animal House: “There is nothing to fear! All is well!”

• Thousands of black activists flood a small Louisiana town to protest how six black teenagers were (SURPRISE!) treated differently than their white counterparts.

• Bush calls for an expansion of the spying law that would make it easier for the government to eavesdrop without obtaining warrants. GOD! Am I the only person who’s really getting sick of this guy? Who’s with me?

• O.J. Simpson is free on bail! If you see him wearing gloves, run the other way!

• Pictures of a cross-dressing Oscar De La Hoya are FAKE! (Oh “truth,” why must you always ruin our fun?)