1.CHEERIO! (That’s British for “Goodbye”). Britain will halve its 5,000 troops in Iraq by Spring ‘08, and is offering no guarantee it won’t pull out altogether by next Christmas. Who cares whether Gordon Brown is about to hold a General Election in the country. This is good news.

2.GAMARJOBAT! (That’s Georgian for “Hello”). Georgia is upping its troop presence in Iraq from 850 to 2000 because it feels strongly about the war on terror wants US protection through Nato from its increasingly threatening neighbor, Russia. And to think, they said this war wouldn’t affect diplomatic relations between global superpowers. Cold War!

3.CIA! A German man who said he was kidnapped by this country’s hush-hush agency and tortured in a prison in Afghanistan lost his last chance to seek redress in court today when the Supreme Court declined to consider his case. They say litigating Khaled el-Masri’s lawsuit could expose state secrets, such as the fact that the CIA are torturing people in prisons in Afghanistan. D’oh! [Sorry, boys. I’d still like to be a spy, if the offer’s still open.][Whoops. There I go again with my big mouth!]

4.WIRETAPPING DONKEYS! Say what you like about the Democrats being able to stand up to the fascists in this government (personally, I like to say “they can’t, because they don’t have the guts or awareness of their pivotal position in this planet’s history”) but they’re about to agree to Republican plans to extend wiretapping powers. That would be the wiretapping powers of the National Security Agency. Who, unlike the CIA, are bound to be completely above board in the employment of their top-secret methods. The Democrats are fucktards!

5.GIANT PUMPKIN! A 1500lb pumpkin from Pleasant Hill, Oregon, wins a California contest over the weekend. Then it grows a body and rampages across the mountains and through the streets of Portland, saying, “Hello, pumpkins…Hello, pumpkins…” in a voice like that little girl with green puke and the “Fuck me, Jesus” scene in The Exorcist. Was it really necessary to remind you of that “Fuck me, Jesus” moment? Probably not. But Hell, if it “helps sell newspapers…”, I’ll bloody-well repeat it.
WATCH OUT: Pumpkin’s about…

Good Day!