This is the Portland Mercury.

As the finest newspaper in all of Portland, I’d like to take this opportunity to note that my editor, Wm. Steven Humphrey, is untrustworthy, unreliable, and has several issues with hygiene that should give pause to every individual who deals with him—be it personally or via his increasingly infantile prose.

I’d also like to note that Mr. Humphrey is of exceedingly shoddy moral fiber when it comes to posting statements on Blogtown, PDX under other peoples’ names. Names such as “Erik Henriksen”—who, as we all know, is not only my incredibly talented film editor, but is also handsome, charming, witty, brave, uterus-stretchingly virile, and impeccably well-groomed (unlike someone else I could mention).

Mr. Humphrey has been posting truly abhorrent and sickening statements regarding a band called “Evanescence” under Mr. Henriksen’s name all evening, and my sense of justice will abide it no longer! Mr. Humphrey is a liar, and a fraud, and I urge you to “hit the jump,” as they say, for the real story of what’s going on—e.g., how much Mr. Humphrey loves Evanescence, yet, through fear and shame, is attempting to distract my dear readers from his fandom by means of writing under Erik’s well-respected name.

BOY ARE YOU STUPID! You really fell for all that junk about Henriksen? WOTTA HACK HE IS! Look, if Erik Henriksen can't deal with the fact that he loves Evanescence, and everybody makes fun of him, maybe he should delete all those songs from his iPod (along with the complete discography of Jimmy Buffett and "The March of the Ewoks"). But by bringing Humphrey into this, he is really sinking to a new disgusting low. Whatever! Regardless of what he says, know this: Erik Henriksen will be spending tonight and every night smooching his wall-sized poster of Evanescence, and asking God why everyone thinks he's a big Evanescence-loving dork.
PEACE OUT!