Bic Lighter?

I know you have matches.

you should just quit

Only problem with the Arson Solution is that there might be something under the pile that I want.

You have a whole day and a half? Pffft. Just do it, dude. My desk makes that one look like House Beautiful.

That's a first-world problem.

Get a big shred bin, a trash can and a big cardboard box.

Put papers with private stuff that you don't need in the shred. Put the trash in the trash can. Put the things you might need later but don't use all the time in the cardboard box.

Repeat until you see bare desk.

Now if only I could take my own advice...

Recycle that shit. If you haven't needed those papers for the last month/year/god knows how long, you don't need them. It'll feel great to have a clean break!!

4 hours browsing 43 Folders
3 hours browsing Lifehacker
2 hours buying and reading Getting Things Done
1 hour raiding the office supply closet and putting together the new organizational system you're never going to use
5 minutes dumping all your shit into a metal wastebasket and burning it in the alley

And be double sure to shred any evidence that Bill Bradbury ever knew anything about Neal G.

I could clean that with one single arm swoop. Easily.

Well, it seems from the phto that you are not a person who would maintain a filing/organizational system. Which is cool. You just need to make it seem like you have one.

Get file folders - hanging and regular. Do that thing where you tap a pile of papers on your desk until the edges are even (is there a name for that motion?) Put paper in file folders so that it looks organized, and then file someplace. If you don't have space (I'm guessing your drawers are crammed full of crap too), get some bankers boxes from Office Depot and put your "files" in there. Then get a couple of bookends and stack your books together. Out of sight - out of mind.

Smoke an enormous joint, listen to your favorite music, and just get in the zone. You'll pound that shit out in 3 hours.

Just put it all in boxes, quick, and get it out of there. Then you'll have all the time you need to sort it, dispose of things, whatever.

This doesn’t seem like something you should worry yourself about… Don’t you still have an unpaid intern around? Just explain to her what a “big deal” you are and how you’re about to be an even bigger deal… Problem solved.

Dang, I was hoping you'd check out Portland's own Organize Me Penelope:
http://www.organizemepenelope.com/testimonials.php

I MISSED IT??? Damn. I was looking forward to watching the desk emerge.

I have occasional fantasies about just tossing a Molotov cocktail into my office and closing the door behind me on a Friday afternoon. But mine's worse than yours was.

Yes! I love before and after pictures.

That bit about the day planner is me to a tee. That crap is lost on me entirely. I keep important phone numbers in my head, and appointments and all that other crap too. Needless to say I forget my teeth cleaning appointments regularly, but on top of most other stuff.

glad my bike-heart postcard made the cut