Only $110 buys you this. FOR CHARITY! Although City Council Candidate Amanda Fritz appears to be thinking about coming to my rescue:

Pepper spray can cause serious permanent health problems including eye and respiratory damage, and death. Death is generally considered both serious and permanent. Many law enforcement agencies no longer ask their recruits to experience its effects, for these reasons.

Sorry, Amanda, the only way you’re going to save me is by outbidding everyone in town who’d like to pepper spray me in the face, which is A LOT of people. I also just emailed Jack Bogdanski, and this guy I kicked out of a band in high school (he’d have to fly out, but he might consider it…) asking if they wanted to bid. So: Get your checkbook out! It all goes to Sisters of the Road (which preaches non-violence, so seriously, somebody bid to save me from this cruel, cruel, cruel fate!) (or don’t!) (I can’t afford to have an opinion, $100 was my limit…) In the meantime, I’ve been on YouTube finding cheering examples where people do not, in fact, die, from being pepper sprayed. In the face.
PEPPER SPRAY: Funny. Not deadly. Right?

Today, Sam Adams’ campaign refunded all $1000 that Patrick Lanagan and his company, Plaid Zebra—aka Eagle Portland and Fat Cobra Video—gave for his mayoral bid.

The refund was news to Lanagan when I spoke with him last night. “Regardless, I still support Sam,” he said. He also apologized if his donations created an awkward appearance for Adams’ campaign.

We’ve got a call in to the campaign, too.

It’s fun to imagine what life would be like if there were actual super-heroes patrolling the streets, beating the crap out of bad guys—that is until you actually see it happen. Check out this video of two guys in Batman and Spider-Man outfits beating up a punk in front of Hollywood’s Chinese Theater. As the onlooker says, “THAAAT’S ENOUGH, BAAATMAAAN!”

I’m not sure exactly what a “Spirit of Portland” award really means, but it sure is a nice gesture, and Tito Chowdhury, one of the main men behind Portland Fashion Week is about to get one next Thursday, 12/13. I do know, having worked with him in an advisory capacity, that he has worked (and continues to work) damn hard on this event, and deserves recognition.

Today at City Club, Trimet General Manager Fred Hansen used his scheduled time at the lunchtime civic session to make some big announcements:

“I am taking several steps to deal with issues of fare evasion, loud and intimidating behavior and criminal activity on the system. I am setting a standard of zero tolerance for fare evaders,” Hansen said. He’s also thinking about restricting or perhaps eliminating Fareless Square.

Hansen laid out a seven part plan to decrease fare evasion and increase security. Increased police presence on MAX, by upping the Transit Police Division staff by 10 percent, at a cost of $500,000. Increased fare inspections, thanks to the recent increase is Wackenhut private security on the system (from 15 to 36). Hansen’s working to give security officers “the authority to write tickets and exclude unruly people from the Trimet system.”

It’ll be harder to come up with an excuse for your fare evasion, too—Trimet plans to fix up or start replacing the ticket vending machines, many of which are 20 years old, and not very reliable. “Your free ride on Trimet is about to end,” Hansen said.

Hansen’s also “entering into a partnership with Victory Outreach Community Services Inc,” a community-based Latino organization that will ride the system and work with Latino youth to prevent gang activity on MAX.

Trimet’s exclusion policy will be streamlined, “to more effectively respond to disruptive behavior.” Hansen’s also expanding the code of conduct, and “making it enforceable.”

Trimet’s also replacing old light bulbs, especially at eastside MAX stops, to make the lighting brighter, and adding more closed circuit security cameras. By the time the Green Line opens in September 2009, Trimet will employ over 500 cameras throughout the system.

And, perhaps the biggest news, Hansen plans to propose an ordinance to Trimet’s Board of Directors that would cut Fareless Square’s hours to 7 am to 7 pm. He’ll also launch a public process to explore other potential changes to Fareless Square. And if cutting the hours of Fareless Square saves any money, Hansen says he’ll devote those to safety and security throughout the system.

Hansen outlined the history of Fareless Square—it was originally implemented 31 years ago to deal with Portland’s air quality problem, with cars causing 140 days of air quality violations in downtown Portland. “31 years later we no longer have an air quality problem. It is time to reevaluate the need for fareless square and define the public policy purpose of subsidizing free rides in the downtown and in the Lloyd District in terms of today’s policy objectives.”

“The fact is, Fareless Square provides a free ride for panhandlers, who go back and forth between downtown and the Lloyd Center, and drug dealers and rowdy gangs of young people, homeless people and drunks who are using the train as a shelter and a place to do their business. This type of undesirable behavior—that intimidates our riders and leads to crime—is being subsidized by regular Trimet riders,” he added. “The restriction of hours specifically targets these types of behavior.”

You don’t get enough sex. That’s why Blogtown PDX is happy to continue this ongoing series featuring the advice of classic ’90s R&B artists who know (better than anyone else) how to get you laid this weekend. For example, there’s GINUWINE who has a great way of seducing aging people in cowboy bars: Compare your penis to a horse, and invite them to jump on your “saddle.” (It also helps if you’re built like Stretch Armstrong.)
Here’s the incomparable Ginuwine singing his 1996 club hit, “PONY.”

Portlanders will have the chance to go through one of 40 Protect Your Rights workshops next year, being run by the Northwest Constitutional Rights Center, thanks to the generosity of the Multnomah Bar Foundation.

The MBF, which has donated $5,000 for the classes, is a nonprofit started by lawyers in Multnomah County in 2005, aimed at increasing the public’s understanding of the legal system. The NWCRC, meanwhile, has worked hard over the last year to educate Portlanders about their rights.

“The Foundation’s support is instrumental to helping us educate the community about our civil and constitutional rights,” says Alejandro Queral, Executive Director of the NWCRC. “And to achieve better working relationships with the police so we can curb racial profiling and improve civilian oversight of the police.”

The Mercury’s charity auction has had over 400 bids on its fabulous auction items—we’re at a grand total of $4600 and growing, to benefit local nonprofit Sisters of the Road. Remember, Sisters is doubling anything we give them, as first time donors, so the total currently is really $9200! Cha-ching.

I’ve spent the last twenty minutes rather enjoying the realization that bidding on a charity auction feels a lot like sticking $20 on red at roulette, only, my wife is going to be less annoyed when I tell her I’m $200 lighter for the fun of it. It’s for charity, darling. It’s for charity! Current BARGAINS include “Narcissism Rocks.”:

Your opportunity to have a hand-painted canvas portrait of YOU in the guise of an imposing historical figure (say, Napoleon, or, perhaps Eddie Van Halen) by Mercury graphic artist Monet Molina (myspace.com/monetmolina), worth over $300!!! Then, immortalize yourself further by starring in a personalized pulp novel courtesy of PulpStar (pulpstar.com)!

CUSTOM NOVEL AND PORTRAIT: ME ME ME ME ME!!!

I was ashamed to see this going for $21, so I just bid $100 on it because hey, a man can always use more self-love. I also just bid $150 on the snowboarding package, because I need a snowboard, and I can’t BELIEVE it’s going for just $100, including 2 days of passes at Mount Bachelor!

We start with a super cool PBR snowboard (donated by the fine folks at Pabst Blue Ribbon), and a $100 gift certificate to Portland’s oldest and most respected ski emporium, The Mountain Shop (628 NE Broadway)—use it for boots, gloves, tools, wax� whatever! And now that you’re all geared up, you’ll also receive one-day lift tickets for two to the gorgeously fun Mt. Bachelor Ski Resort.

SNOWBOARDING: Not just dangerous, but fun!!!

Oh, shit. I’ve just been outbid. Alright, $200. My last offer…and, I’m in the lead! But no! I just bid $10 on lunch with the PBA’s Mike Kuykendall and Randy Leonard, but got outbid. Hmm. Should I stretch to $20? Kuykendall has deep pockets—I could probably scrape El Gaucho out of him…why not. $25. Shit! I got outbid again! What is this? It’s not worth $30, is it?! DAMN!
BIG SHOTS: Leonard and Kuykendall, Political pig wrasslin’ action…

Some guy called “droctagon3000” is bidding on it. That’s not bloody Scott Moore, is it?! You better not be “claiming this back,” Scotty. I’ve gone to $40 and you’ve outbid me again!! I also bid $95 on the “romance package” to fend off inevitable accusations that I only ever think of myself, but fortunately, got outbid! Sorry, darling! And lastly, $50 on pepper spraying myself in the face (oops—missed).
PEPPER SPRAYING MYSELF IN THE FACE: Accuracy isn’t my strong suit…

Unfortunately, some chap called “microzyma” outbid me, instantly. Shit. I didn’t think it’d fetch this much money, and now, I might actually have to endure it. Alright, I’m going to bid $100 on pepper spraying myself in the face. AAAAND…phew. I’m currently in the lead. Now the question for you all is: what’s it worth? More than $100? Less?

The auction closes on December 14th at 4pm.

Because what is the internet good for if not giving you access to adorable baby animals: check out The Daily Coyote, the blog of a woman living in Wyoming with a cat and a baby coyote she rescued from being killed after both of his parents were. Start from the bottom, when the coyote, Charlie, looks like this:

Here’s another event to make your holiday shopping easy and pleasant: SOFIA (1313 NE Fremont) is holding its 2nd Annual Holiday Salon this coming Sunday 12/9 from 11 am-5 pm, with beauty and makeup products, locally made clothing, scarves and wraps, as well as the store’s many European imports. I like the idea of giving nice socks as stocking stuffers, and there will be plenty on hand via the Portland Sock Exchange, as well as jewelry from Konfections.

(These simple socks are made of super soft pima cotton and are only $7 a pair.)

(My favorite are the rings, but Konfections also does necklaces, earrings, and bracelets.)

Get more shopping ideas on M.O.D.

The hyperkenetic, candy-colored preview for the Wachowskis’ live-action/CG Speed Racer is now online, and I’d highly recommend checking it out. Truthfully, I haven’t seen a ton of the pioneering anime that it’s based on, but whether you’re an old-school fan or not, it’s worth checking out the Wachowskis’ take on it. Admittedly, the Wachowskis can be hit or miss—but when they’re on, man, are they ever on. And this—a crazy, wild kids movie that I’m pretty sure just invented like 200 brand new colors—looks pretty goddamn “on,” if you ask me. (I mean, fucking racecars and ninja stars and a wacky monkey! WHAT ELSE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?)

The crappy YouTube is below, but trust me—do yourself a favor and watch it in HD here.

Also, it’s kind of weird how Christina Ricci looks kinda like Susan Sarandon.

So I’ve really been into disturbing PSAs lately. Last week, it was the PSA for “Not Slipping on a Kitchen Floor and Pouring Boiling Oil All Over Yourself.” This week’s PSA documents the dangers of girl’s youth soccer. Okay, fine… it’s actually about landmines. However, what the director obviously forgot is that exploding girl soccer players are actually… well… PRETTY FUNNY!

While the Grammy Awards are a complete waste of time (new record or not, U2 always seems to win), local faves Menomena are up for the “Best Recording Package” award this year.

In a perfect world they would be taking home awards for Album of the Year (sorry Daughtry), but this will have to do.

But they aren’t the first PDX band to make it this far, The Shins and Jesse LeDoux were nominated for this award a few years back—for the artwork of Chutes Too Narrow—but lost to that damn Wilco record with an egg on it. Lame.

Oh, also, don’t sleep on the awesome Menomena (and more) package we have in the charity auction.

The Grammy Awards are on CBS, February 10th.

An obnoxious Portland street preacher is sentenced to five years for raping a 13-year-old girl, once again proving that people who scream about the wrath of God are full of crap.

Oregon shrimpers become the first shrimpers in the world to receive a sustainability stamp of approval, but strangely the shrimp remain unimpressed.

The Yellow Sea is turning more of a greasy black after an oil spill off the coast of South Korea.

Scientology might be banned from Germany—for being unconstitutional, a.k.a. a money grubbing cult we don’t want in our country. This has made filming in Germany tricky for Tom Cruise, who was initially banned from shooting a scene at a German Defense Ministry complex for an upcoming movie.

-Jennifer Furniss

Live from the cultural event of the evening, First Thursday Blazers vs Miami Heat at the Rose Garden. Once again, I’m bringing the steamy live blog action—the slander, the typos, the seething hatred for “Blaze” the mascot—to the masses.

Pregame
Tipoff is a full 30 minutes away, a later start time than normal since the game is a rare national broadcast (you can thank Greg Oden for that) on TNT. I assume the delay is due to Craig Sager's wardrobe demands. He dresses like a Dick Tracy villain.

While the Heat have the worst record in the Eastern Conference, they pack a whole lot of star power. Dwyane Wade, coach/author Pat Riley (not to be confused with the other Pat Reilly, author of Harnessing the Unicorn: How to Create Opportunity and Manage Risk) and the big boy himself, Shaq-Fu. More about Shaq later, let us see how Riley's book is selling: "215 Used & new from $0.01" Ouch.

Shaq talks through the national anthem, further proof his hatred for America knows no end.

First Quarter:
The Blazers have dropped five straight to Miami, and each of those games has been H-U-G-E for Wade. It's a good time though for the Red & Black to get a win, especially since Miami is struggling, and the Blazers are coming off a motivating road win in Memphis. Plus it's a near-sold out crowd here, which is pretty rare. It's actually so loud that it's distracting me from watching the Bears vs Redskins game on the tiny press row TV.

11:11 - Ok, I am not lying, Shaq just sat on Joel Przybilla's face and "accidentally" smacked him with the ball. Seriously. A charge on Shaq and then a dirty flop atop Przybilla. Wow, that was fucked up. Przybilla has been down on the ground for about a minute now seeking medical attention. In all my years of NBA games, that was one of the most insane plays I have ever seen. Very weird.

9:58 - Webster fouls Shaq hard, the crowd goes nuts.

7:16 - Przybilla "bumped his head" and has a "probable return." In other news, Wade gets every call, every time. 13-8 Heat

6:08 Blake hits a three and ties it all up, LaMarcus Aldridge puts the home team ahead: 15-13 Blazers.

3:54 - Wade who? Brandon Roy drops a sweet little layup after slicing the lane, Blazers up 20-16 and Miami calls a timeout. Ricky Davis has entered the game, and if you remember a few years back, Ricky doesn't think much of the Blazers and their fans.

0:50 - Travis Outlaw is looking mighty confident as he drains a jumper, meanwhile in old news, Alonzo Mourning is a total dick.

0:05 - Sergio Rodriguez ends the quarter on a high note as he drives and dishes to Channing Frye for a quick dunk. 30-25 Blazers

Second Quarter:
Nice start for Portland. Other than the bruised skull of Przybilla and some foul trouble (which might come back to haunt them later in the game), the Blazers look very good so far and are shooting 54% from the field.

11:40 - The Vanilla Gorilla has returned!! Outlaw celebrates with a dunk. 32-25 Blazers

9:44 - Oh hello James Jones, where the hell have you been all season? Your three-pointers are welcome here. 37-29 Blazers

5:56 - Wade missed a layup, Shaqster rebounds and then proceeds to clank his layup as well. Jarrett Jack goes coast-to-coast and is fouled. 43-36 Blazers

3:18 Back to back threes for Jones, it's nice to have him back. Then he blocks a shot and it leads to a huge dunk by Aldridge. Miami calls time but you can't even hear the whistle. Wow. 53-38 Blazers

0:27 JAMES JONESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! 56-42 Blazers

THIRD QUARTER:
Portland has picked an excellent game to play like this. Being their second nationally televised game in as many years, the first being the opening night lost to San Antonio, they are showing off when it counts the most. Now if they can keep it up for another 24 minutes...

9:24 - Given the chance to sing karaoke, Channing Frye would sing "Pour Some Sugar On Me," much to the delight of the crowd. Good to know. 60-48 Blazers

6:11 - Oh shit! Roy guns for Sportscenter Top Plays with a graceful drive and layup, Miami timeout. 67-54 Blazers

3:08 - Reversal dunk courtesy of Outlaw. But the Heat are trimming that lead... 73-65 Blazers

0:01 - Wade lays it in just as the clock expires and the lead is shrinking. 77-73 Blazers

Fourth Quarter:
10:32 - Thanks to some Rodriguez trickery, and a timely three by Jack, Blazers back up 84-77. It's clutch time and where is big Shaq Diesel? Also, if the Blazers get 100+ points, and thus Chalupas for all, what are the odds I'll run into Shaq at the Taco Bell later? Good? Or great?

5:59 - Wade lays it in—with flair—and the once glorious 16 point lead is now down to a mere one point. 88-87 Blazers.

2:22 - Roy torches Ricky Davis and pads the lead to 97-90, which is good since Dwyane Wade has that "I'm about to score 14 unanswered points" look in his eyes. Can Portland hold on?

1:56 - OH SHIT! Outlaw with the biggest dunk of his career, that shit is going on a poster. 100-90 Blazers.

112-106 Blazers
God lord, what a game. The Blazers look better tonight than they have in a real long time, plus doing it on a national stage and in dramatic style (lots of acrobatic dunks, blocked shots) has to really help the franchise.

Self-professed pedophile Jack McClellan has been back in Portland for the last two hours—he’s just called the Mercury to report his arrival. He intends to spend tomorrow trying to find a first amendment attorney to defend him against alleged illegal harassment by Trimet police on a Trimet bus last month.
McClellan: Allegations of harassment…

About 40 minutes ago I emailed the DPSST in Salem, asking for an interview with director, John Minnis. I wanted him to defend his agency’s background checking process for private security guards walking the streets of downtown Portland, in light of this week’s story. Here’s the response:

Greetings Matt,

Thank you for your request. As Director Minnis’ representative, and on his behalf, I am declining your invitation for the interview you are seeking. We believe the agency is neither obligated nor obliged to defend its background process. As I stated during our recent conversation, the agency has met its statutory obligations. You, as a reporter well know, that you have the ability to present a story as you see it. In turn, it is the responsibility of your readers to make decisions for themselves about the information you provide to them. If your readers feel that statute should be changed in this case, they, like all Oregonians have the legislative process available to them to make change happen. I mean that very sincerely. I appreciate the caring and energy with which do your job. Please let me know in the future how I can be of further assistance to you.

Thank you,

Jeanine Hohn
Oregon Department of Public
Safety Standards and Training
Public Information Officer - Legislative Liaison
[Phone number redacted.]

That’s what you get for asking someone for an interview like an asshole, I suppose. But what do you think? Does the DPSST have to stick up for itself? Or can it continue letting people on the run from warrants patrol the streets of downtown Portland, allegedly instigating fights with members of the public, with guns on their hips, blowing off curious journalists, left, right, and center? And what’s all this about the “legislative process?” How on earth do I go about getting involved with that?!

Damn you Winter Blast ‘08™! Since I-5 is still closed, Portland’s magical pipeline to Seattle indie rock has been jeopardized (along with other commerce, I suppose) by the flooding.

For example, the charming popsters in the Seattle band, Boat, who just blogged about the dilemma facing them as the band is supposed to perform in town tonight.

Will BOAT make it to their show at the Doug Fir on Thursday?

No one knows for sure. Interstate 5 is shut down. The band is searching for alternate routes. Any ideas would be much appreciated.

Please feel free to point out the irony of the flooding and their band name.

MP3:
Boat - Come With Me, We’ll Win

Boat (might) perform at the Doug Fir tonight.

Securitas is rumored to have suspended armed bike patrol officer Mike Anglin, following our story about Anglin’s alleged aggressive behavior and murky background which ran in today’s paper.
ANGLIN: Worked as an armed security guard in downtown Portland during the week, while serving his jail time at Multnomah County Detention Center on the weekends…

Securitas’ bike officers are also rumored to have been given explicit instructions not to talk to the media, following Anglin’s suspension. Apparently, Anglin was suspended on Tuesday at the direction of someone senior, and it is most likely he will be fired. It is also rumored Securitas Vice President C.J.Fox had directed that Anglin be terminated after the cab driver incident in October, but that for some reason, the termination order got lost in the chain of command.

Given 24 hours to respond, Fox declined comment on this blog post.

The issue at hand, however, is not with Securitas. It’s with the Department for Security Standards and Training (DPSST) in Salem. Anglin passed the agency’s background check—meaning he could work as a private security officer, with a gun—despite the fact he’d been running from a DUI warrant for years.

On Tuesday I asked the DPSST’s spokeswoman, Jeanine Hohn, whether the public could have confidence in its background checking procedures given the fact it missed Anglin’s warrant completely. “The public can draw their own conclusions,” she said.

So I asked Hohn what conclusion she would draw, as a reader, from the story I was writing. She had no comment, but failed to put me in touch with the DPSST’s director, John Minnis, to give him the opportunity to respond. “I’ll check his schedule,” she said.

It strikes me the DPSST isn’t taking its role—to background check the armed guards patrolling our streets, seriously. Does anybody reading this know anything about how to go about shaking up the agency? Who would I start with at a state level? Email me, please. I’ve since emailed Hohn the following:

Jeanine

I’m sorry John Minnis was unable to find time for me earlier this week. I would like to interview him about the DPSST’s background procedures for next week’s issue, going to press on Tuesday, December 11. Frankly I am surprised he did not feel like defending the agency publicly last week, and intend to focus more energy on why that might be, over the coming weeks. Please get in touch to arrange a mutually convenient time for my interview with Minnis.

Best

Matt

Matt Davis
News Reporter
The Portland Mercury
503 294 0840 x246
mdavis@portlandmercury.com

I can be SUCH an asshole, sometimes.

Before I ever even saw it, I always scoffed at Sex and the City. Then one day, while living in a house with a bunch of other women, I came home to find my roommates gathered around the TV mid-marathon viewing—one of their coworkers had lent her a bootleg VHS of the first season. I made fun of them, but then they passed me the joint, I sat down, and I swear I sat there transfixed and watched them all. When the tape ran out we went to the video store to get more. When there were no more we re-watched old ones. We even—and I can’t believe I’m admitting this—discussed which of us were most like which characters (I’m Carrie, obviously). This kind of thing could only have happened in an environment where everyone’s periods are synced up and girlish obsessions sweep people over en masse (also see: Eminem). It was a perfect storm. But that was, like, four years ago.

And now, there’s this:

Will I see it? No doubt. The only question will be whether I hate it or myself more. Either way, it’s all about the clothes.

This week, a case that’s just been decided in a variation of my weekly blogumn: NOT Breaking The Law, wherein the plaintiff’s allegations were NOT SUSTAINED in arbitration. That means all of the allegations you’re about to read were NOT FOUND TO HAVE SUFFICIENT PROOF to be true. Last week, someone was suing the owners of a sex shop. The lawyers even got in a tussle here on Blogtown. Now: Is this speed bump dangerous?
SPEED BUMP: Has since been replaced…

This case as probably as interesting for the reasons it failed, as it is for the reasons it might have succeeded. If you’re a bicyclist, or a bike advocate, you might have an opinion of your own about the possible reasons why.

Ena Abel, a music teacher, sued Marylhurst university in April this year, alleging the university’s negligence in failing to repair the speed bump (pictured) caused her to fall off her bike while riding across it. Abel, who testified at deposition she was riding between 18-20mph when she crossed the bump on Marylhurst’s campus on August 14, 2006, says she was thrown 20ft off her bike as a result of the bump’s poor maintenance. She sustained a concussion and cervical and thoracic sprain, as a result. There was no speed limit posted on the private road at the time—which has since been re-paved, with a 15mph limit also since posted.

Instead of going to court, Abel agreed to arbitration—whereby an arbitrating and independent attorney, in this case, Keith Swensen of SE 43rd Ave, listens to both sides of the case and rules one way or the other. It’s much cheaper than going to trial, providing both sides agree. But in this case, Swensen’s ruling is contentious, Abel says.

At the hearing on November 5, Swensen ruled in favor of Marylhurst University in less than 90 minutes, finding that: “Ms.Abel was 85% at fault and that Marylhurst was 15% at fault. Considering the circumstances existing on the road and her biking experience, Plaintiff’s [Abel’s] speed of 18-20mph, was not reasonable, especially in light of her testimony that the road and the speed bumps were “bumpy at 5-10mph in a car.”

Abel is unhappy with the ruling, but has no plans to appeal it. It’s unusual for an arbitrating attorney to make a decision so quickly—normally, one to two weeks is common—and Abel says she feels Swensen did not listen to her case.

“I don’t believe I had a fair hearing,” she says. “He took 90 minutes to decide against me, and I think this was a case of being penalized for being a woman bicyclist going up against a university. And I believe he knew what he was going to say before the hearing was over.”

Curiously, Abel’s boyfriend, Charles Rand Barnett, says he saw the arbitrator, Swensen, talking on the stairs outside the hearing, with Marylhurst’s attorney for about five minutes, during a break in the proceedings. Then, 45 minutes before the end of the hearing, Barnett says he say Marylhurst’s finance director Michael Lammers leave and walk through the parking lot. “He came out,” says Barnett, “and it looked like he was throwing a football down in the end zone.”

Swensen tells the Mercury he may have stepped out to talk with the Marylhurst attorney during a break in the proceedings. “But there is no way I’d ever talk to an attorney about a case. Perhaps we talked about the weather, or something else, but I can unequivocally assure you we did not talk about the case,” he says.

Swensen says he decided to rule against Abel because she had initially alleged she had ridden over a pothole. “Then later she decided it was a ridge in the speed bump,” he says. “To be honest, she shot herself in the foot.”

Swensen had no idea why Lammers might have mimed throwing a touchdown in the carpark—as alleged by Abel’s boyfriend, Barnett. Lammers had no comment on this allegation, either.

“I’m a bicyclist,” says Swensen. “And I’ve taken the kind of spill she did. There is no way in the world anybody should be going that fast over a speed bump.”

“The red flag is always ‘hey, I’m a bicylist, too’,” responds Jonathan Maus of BikePortland.org. “It’s a smokescreen. It doesn’t mean anything. The road is screwed up, so to me, there’s more than a 15% liability there. To me, it doesn’t seem quite fair.”

“Abel’s allegation of the arbitrator hanging out with the defense attorney seems unprofessional, if it’s true,” Maus continues. “Also, I think it’s interesting that the road was repaired after the incident.”

“If she were going 20mph on the same road in a car, I don’t think the insurance company [for Marylhurst] would have made the same claims,” says bike attorney Mark Ginsberg. “We see these affirmative defenses [where defendants try to claim the plaintiff is at fault] quite frequently in bicycle cases.”

Sure you could take pilates or kickboxing, but if you really want to be hardcore, try football. This Saturday (and again on Saturday the 22nd) the Portland Shockwave is holding tryouts at Whitaker Jr High on NE 42nd and Killingsworth—registration is at 9:30 am, early birds. See web site linked above for the rest of the details.

I’m spending my afternoon reading a report called CITY OF PORTLAND, SERVICE EFFORTS AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS: 2006-07 (don’t be jealous!). It’s the 17th annual survey of Portland’s residents, to gauge how good a job the city government’s doing.

And the survey says!

Overall, Portland residents are satisfied with City services. City neighborhoods are livable. Crime is at historic lows. Drinking water is clean. Millions of residents enjoy parks and recreational activities. Concerns remain about homelessness, housing affordability, and growing demands on our street system and our emergency response system.

That affordability part had me concerned—at first. One big reason I moved here—and I suspect I’m not the only one—is that Portland was one of the last remaining cities where I’d both want to live, and could afford to own a home someday.

It looks like that won’t be the case soon, according to the report—”Only 40 percent of residents rated their neighborhood positively on affordability.”

Here’s the thing: The small graph that accompanies that stat indicates that the number was lower last year and the year before—so perceptions of affordability have actually increased recently. And the highest confidence in neighborhood affordability was in 1999—but even that number was below 50 percent, so 40 doesn’t seem like a crisis. Then again, I’ve seen housing prices go up since I moved here 2 years ago.

What do you all think? Is Portland rapidly becoming unaffordable, or is it leveling out?

That’s a hell of a trailer.

This soon-to-be classic clip from Maury could easily play as a PSA for Planned Parenthood. Ladies and gentlemen, please meet Angel—the most foul-mouthed, hickey wearing, 9th grade slut you could ever hope to encounter. Just put Angel’s battle cries (“Don’t be hatin’!” or “Mom, I’m addicted to thex, AND I LOVE IT” or “I’ve been paid for thex fifteen timeth! DON’T HATE!”) on repeat and watch your penis or ovaries instantly shrink into nothingness.