GAY MARRIAGE: London Style…

MY BROTHER: The one on the left…

PLATES: Cleverly hiding a concealed message…

Today my brother got gay-married to his partner in London. Oliver Davis (not Oliver Twist…) is now the civil partner of Wesley Gryk. Civil Unions have been legal here since December 2005 and surprisingly, the sky hasn’t fallen, nor has the world ended.

Let’s hope plans to legalize such things in Oregon go ahead in January, without some religious right wing nutters getting in the way. One of the commonest questions I was asked today about life in the States was: “Are the religious right-wing nutters really as bad as they come across on telly?”

The answer, of course, was: “They’re worse.”

Also, I’ve noticed: people do have worse teeth here. I’d not believed it until now. And secondly, people do drink a lot more in this country. To an almost super-human degree. It’s amazing what coming back with a fresh pair of eyes does to one’s perspective. Also: it is dirtier here than I’d remembered. And all the cars look like they’re in a lego set. But I’m having great fun. More soon.

In lieu of my normal Christmas activities (baking a cake for Jesus, crying a lot), this year I’ve decided to post my favorite Christmas songs—one a day, all the way until the 25th. While you might not get music as great as this, these songs sure beat all the lousy gifts you’ll have to pretend to like.

After yesterday’s dirty dirty Eazy-E song, I think we should slow things down a bit. This holiday remix, courtesy of local emcee/producer Ohmega Watts, is a nice downtempo tune to prepare you for a final weekend of last minute consumerism and unhealthy egg nog consumption. Granted, it’s a little long (16:33), but you are reading a blog on a Saturday. What else do you have to do today?

MP3:
I’ll Be Home For Christmas (Ohmega Watts remix)

Purchase the album here.

Live from the sold out Rose Garden, as the second place Portland Trail Blazers take on the first place Denver Nuggets. Usually this is the part of the blog intro where I use sarcasm to illustrate how sad it is that I live blog Blazers games, but after nine wins in a row, and some amazing basketball, there isn’t anywhere in the world I’d rather be then right here. Oh, here and the Blitzen Trapper + Malkmus show, but that’s later. And no, I won’t be live blogging that…

Pre-Game:
Had Denver lost last night at home against Houston, tonight's game would be a battle for first place. But they won (in double overtime, more on that in a minute), so tonight is all about pride. Denver has already lost once this week to Portland (on Sunday) and they don't want to fall twice in the same week. Meanwhile, if you have not heard, Portland has won their last nine games and don't want to stop their win streak at single digits.

Denver should be a little sluggish, seeing how they played a double-overtime game last night. Also, in the visitors locker room the Blazers management swapped their Gatorade and Red Bull for Sleepy Time Tea, and the usual pre-game T1 jams have been replaced by some Sigur Ros and a book on tape read by Wilford Brimley.

Oh, and I roofied Carmelo Anthony.

1st Quarter:
A high school vocal choir sung the national anthem. They were booed. God, I love a nicely sauced sold out crowd on a Friday night.

Evidentially winning means not shaving, as 4 of the starting 5 for the Red & Black are sporting a little Oregon winter stubble. Meanwhile Denver is facial smooth, but consistently ugly.

9:31 - LaMarcus Aldridge from 18-feet and despite some sloppy play, it's 7-2 Portland.

7:27 - Did Linas Kleiza just use a fancy behind-the-back move to scorch Brandon Roy? I think I heard him tell Roy, "Russia strong! I will break you!" 9-9 tie.

6:11 - Carmelo Anthony gets rejected by the greatest shot blocker of them all, the big orange rim. That rim is everywhere. Ouch, dude.

3:59 - Kleiza fouls Roy at the rim while whispering in his ear, "I killed Apollo Creed." That dude is intense. Dolph Lundgren with a flattop intense. 21-17 Blazers

1:03 - Martell Webster for three, BOOM. 26-20 Portland.

0:01 - Jarrett Jack from halfcourt, hanging in mid-air, sinks the shot. Repeat after me: HOLY FUCKING SHIT! At the end of the first quarter, the score is 30-22 Blazers.

2nd Quarter:
10:00 - Channing Frye, not once, but twice, drains a long distant shot. The Blazers need to be weary of the Nuggets offensive, considering that they shot 38% in the first quarter, and that won't last. 34-31 Blazers.

8:16 - James Jones for a three, it's good, and he's mugged on the shot. Will he get the rare four point play? Yes, folks, he does. 38-31 Portland.

4:27 - Carmelo Anthony mows over Aldridge, steals his watch and hits on his woman—so naturally, foul on Aldridge. 43-40 Portland.

2;59 - Carmelo Anthony mows over James Jones, steals his watch and hits on his woman—so naturally, foul on Jones. See a pattern developing here? 47-42 Blazers.

2:32 - Carmelo Anthony mows over... just kidding. Webster nails a three. 50-42 Blazers.

0:33 - Allen Iverson gets an early Christmas gift, a foul and bucket, but he misses the free-throw. Bad A.I., no more tattoos for you! But the bad news? Denver rallies and now has a halftime lead. 52-50 Nuggets.

Third Quarter:
15:00 - Iverson has 21 points at the halfway mark. That is sick. That is what I used to score when the ball was a Nerf and the hoop was on my bedroom door.

9:57 - Ugh. Nuggets look good. Blazers look bad. The score on the scoreboard reflects just that. 60-54 Nugs Nugs.

8:23 - The Vanilla Gorilla with the put-back dunk! 62-59 Nugz.

7:23 - LaMarcus with a tomahawk jam! If that doesn't motivate the team, lord knows what will. 64-61 Denver.

4:18 - Steve Blake with the bonehead foul on a wide open Carmelo Anthony and Denver might just pull away right here. 71-64 Nuggets.

1:50 - Dear James Jones. Keep shooting, buddy. Save this team. (He just hit a three.) 74 points for the Mile High City, 69 points for the City That Works.

0:00 - So here it is. 76-69 with one quarter to go. While the Nuggets team is supposed to look tired, they are far from it. And if the Blazers want a sweet 10th straight win, they better pep the fuck up. Otherwise Denver wins, Blaze the mascot cries, and Iverson gets some post-game ink. Knuckles dude, tat those knucks.

Fourth Quarter:
10:44 - Uh-oh, someone woke the baby! The NBA's youngest team just reeled off 7 straight points and ladies and gents, we have a tie game! 76 up!

8:59 - Jones for three! BOOM!!! 83-78 Blazers.

8:12 - Jones, again, but this time for a long two. Something got into this Blazers team and they look possessed. 85-78 Cascadia.

6:11 - The Blazers fall in love with the three-pointer, and if years of listening to emo have taught me anything, love will hurt you. Three straight misses, six straight Nuggets points and now the hometeam is clinging to a 85-84 lead.

3:51 - Iverson gets "fouled." And by "fouled," I mean, nothing happened to him at all. 92-88 Portland.

2:51 - Denver's Eduardo Najera (the pride of Chihuahua, Mexico) with a tip-in bucket and this game is all tied up at 92. Gulp.

0:52 - It's gettin' good. Still tied at 94 and less than a minute to go. Travis Outlaw had a HUGE block on defense than a running jumper at the other end. I'm a little scared of Iverson in games like this...

0:36 - Denver is now in the foul penalty. Jones on the line. Misses the first! Wow, his second miss of the entire year. And the second shot... rims in! 95-95 Portland. If they hold on, this would be the hardest game in the streak. If not, well, then fuck Denver.

0:16 - Carmelo is BLOCKED! BLOCKED! BLOCKED! Blazers ball with Outlaw on the line. He needs to hit these. Got the first. Got the second! 97-94 Portland.

0:06 - Iverson passes on the three for a driving lay-up. Now it comes to inbound passing and free-throws. Don't choke and you get win number 10 in a row. 97-96 Blazers.

0:04 - Jarrett Jack on the lines. Heart attack city, as he rolls one around and eventually in. Phew. Hits number two. Kleiza for three at the buzzer and... BLOCKED! BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!
BLOCKED!

Blazers win! 99-96. Folks, that is 10 in a row. Holy crap. I feel like this game took 10 years off my life, but it was kind of worth it.

Anybody planning to catch up on the current round of gallery shows in the days following Christmas, take note: Michael Brophy’s Here There Nowhere closes Saturday the 22 so the gallery can have their own holiday break.

Dedicating your artistic life to (mostly) realist paintings of the regional landscape is a bold move. Generally speaking, it’s one of the more non-avant garde subjects and approaches one could take in this day and age. But it’s evident that these are the paintings Brophy has to make; they’re not the results of calculated, market-based decisions that are responsible for so much tiresome, uninspired work that dull gallerists and thick-eyed collectors traffic in like enthusiastic baseball card junkies.

Brophy’s singleminded artistic focus on the Northwest landscape (and its intersections with its inhabitants) comes from a deeper place, and with years of refinement, his works have become one of the great visual novels of our region. Tomorrow is your last chance to catch the latest chapter.

As John Motley wrote, “The spaces he paints are hardly sites of unspoiled beauty; they are leveled by clearcutting and invaded by hikers and fishermen. In Here There Nowhere, Brophy continues to explore how the wilderness is tamed by its inhabitants. Thus freeways, not rivers, snake through arid prairies and mountains, while semi trucks, instead of fish or waterfowl, navigate their arterial paths.

Here There Nowhere is at Laura Russo, 805 NW 21st, and is open from 11 am-5 pm tomorrow. More images from the show after the jump.

Last weekend’s installment of Brunch With My Parents™ took us to Podnah’s Pit, which is now serving brunch from 9 am-1 pm.

It was awesome. And bizarrely, at about 10 am on Saturday, it was empty. There were two other tables. It was crazy.

The menu is pretty short. Biscuits and gravy. Breakfast burrito. My smoked trout hash was phenomenal, Mom loved her huevos rancheros, and Dad’s ham and eggs landed satisfactorily within his (very small) comfort zone. And as a special, they were serving kolaches, pastries filled with a sweet poppy seed paste, served warm, which were… just outstanding. Next time I go nothing is standing between me and the biscuits and gravy. Nothing.

My only beef is that if you’re gonna make me self-serve my coffee, at least give me a bigger cup. We had to make about 14 round trips to the coffee pot to fill those teeny little teacups.

Thanks to altportland for their informative writeup.

Podnah’s, 1469 NE Prescott, 281-3700

That was fast—John Hummel only resigned last week, but BRO already named a new director. And she’s a permanent appointment, not an interim. Ahem.

The Basic Rights Oregon Board of Directors announced today that the Board has voted unanimously to name Jeana Frazzini to lead the organization. Frazzini, who is currently the organization’s Director of Development, replaces John Hummel, who resigned last week. “The Board is extremely pleased to be able to make this announcement,” Board Co-Chair Cris Land said in a statement today. “The fact that an internal candidate with such stellar qualifications emerged so quickly demonstrates the strength of the organization in a banner year.“

Frazzini, a former Basic Rights Oregon Board Co-Chair, brings with her more than a decade of experience as a social justice advocate and community leader. Over the last fifteen years, she has been the Oregon State Director for Death with Dignity, Field Director for a successful statewide ballot measure, and Canvass Director of OSPIRG before joining the Basic Rights Oregon staff in 2005.

Most recently, Frazzini spearheaded a 2007 fundraising effort that raised more than $1 million dollars for Basic Rights Oregon. Her promotion comes just days before Oregon’s domestic partnership and anti-discrimination laws take effect on January 1, 2008.

“I’m thrilled with the opportunity to lead this great organization at such an exciting time,” Frazzini said. “I look forward to working with the community in our efforts toward equality for all.”

You might also recognize her name from a lawsuit she and her partner won against the state earlier this year—Parman v Oregon, a case about parental rights.

Dance for Baby Jesus this Xmas Eve.

* Ace Hotel–Heebonism, 9 pm
The Chesterfield–Blue Monday: DJ Wann
Devil’s Point–DJ Brooks, 9 pm, free
East End–Danzig Tribute: DJ Wyld Chyld
Matador–Hate of the City: DJ Keebler, JP Jewels, 10 pm, free
* Tube–Crunkmas Eve: DJ Beyonda, 10 pm
XV–Sum Fun Juz: DJ Redi Jedi, Michael Rockstar, 9 pm, $10-15

Yes, it’s our continuing series which teaches YOU have to have sexual intercourse on the weekend (with some help from R&B greats from the ’90s). Today, it’s a freaking CLASSIC, man! It’s R. Kelly teaching you how to convince someone to get in bed with you, by employing simple logic: Baby, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with a little “Bump and Grind.” (I’m sorry… but if I were a 14-year-old, I’d be all over him, too.)

Being that I am a huge, rah-rah, cheerleader for the intimate whisper folk of A Weather, I’m quite excited to offer up a song from their upcoming full-length, Cove.

The record won’t hit the stores until March 4th, released via this guy’s excellent record label, but judging from this song, the album will continue where A Weather’s excellent debut 7” left off. More chilling bedroom whispers with gently strummed instruments and the soft dual voices of Aaron Gerber and Sarah Winchester. I can’t wait.

MP3:
A Weather - Spiders, Snakes

This is probably not news to many of you, but I wasn’t aware until last night that AudioCinema serves both food and booze during events in the space. Super cheap wine and beer—$1.50 PBR pints, $2 Charles Shaw, plus micros and better wine available for around $3-4—while a makeshift little bar was serving liquor. I just had a garden burger, which is pretty hard to eff up, but the service was incredibly friendly and there were grilled onions on the burgers (a nice touch!). The food selection is pretty basic: burgers, nachos, sandwiches (a reuben, tuna melt, grilled cheese, veggie sandwich, etc), and delicious-sounding hot dogs loaded with goodies like jalapenos and kraut.

Everything was priced super reasonably, and seemed to go the organic/free range route whenever possible. I’ll post the menu after the jump, or you can view it here, though I think some changes have been made since this was posted (they used to be open during the day, but since they’re not anymore I think they’ve gotten rid of the breakfasty stuff).

Audio Cinema, 226 SE Madison, 467-4554, cafe open during any events in the space.

Eggs
Comes with Yukon Gold potatoes and
your choice of toast.

Egg Whites Only add...........$0.50
Sub Sweet Potatoes............$1.00

The Italian Scramble (garlic, onion,
sage, tomatoes, fresh mozzarella,
fresh basil)

The Chicken Scramble (chicken apple
sausage, mushrooms, cheddar
cheese)

The Veggie Scramble (roasted sweet
bell peppers, onions, mushrooms,
tomatoes)
..............................$6.00
Breakfast Bagel Sandwich (your choice
of bagel, egg, cheese, tomato. Served
a'la carte.)..................$3.50

On Tap!

PBR...........................$1.75 pint
..............................$5.00 pitcher
Bridgeport IPA................$2.25 pint
..............................$7.00 pitcher
Bridgeport Porter.............$2.25 pint
..............................$7.00 pitcher

Out of the Fridge!

Rainer Bottle.................$1.50
PBR 12 oz can.................$1.50
ROGUE American Amber Bottle...$2.75
Stella Artois Bottle..........$2.75
Guinness in the Can...........$3.00

Wine
Various wines available by the glass or
bottle. Check in for our current selection.

Burgers
All burgers come with mustard, mayo,
ketchup, lettuce, tomato, and sweet
onions. All are served with chips on
the side. Cheeses are Swiss, Cheddar,
Pepper Jack, and Provolone.

Hamburger......................$5.50
Cheeseburger...................$6.50
Garden Burger..................$5.00
Garden Burger w. Cheese........$6.00

Substitute a salad
(instead of chips).............$1.00

Coffee
To Go Prices
.......................12 oz | 16oz. | 20oz
Drip Coffee............$1.00 | $1.50 | $1.75
Café au lait...........$1.25 | $1.75 | $2.00
Chai Tea
(spicy, sweet, green)..$1.50 | $1.75 | $2.25

Tazo Tea...............$1.25

......................Single | Double | More
Espresso/Americano.....$1.25 | $1.50 | $0.50 per shot
Macchiato..............$1.50 | $1.75 | $0.50 per shot
Cappuccino.............$2.00 | $2.50 | $0.50 per shot
Café Latte.............$2.00 | $2.50 | $0.50 per shot
Café Mocha.............$2.25 | $2.75 | $0.50 per shot
Dogs
Our chicken dogs are made from all
natural, free range chicken. They
come with mustard, mayo, ketchup,
tomato, onion, kraut, sweet relish,
and jalapenos.

Chicken Apple Sausage..........$6.50
Spicy Smoked Chicken Sausage...$6.50
All Beef Hot Dog...............$4.50
Substitute a salad
(instead of chips).............$1.00

For Here Prices
Drip Coffee (w/ one refill)....$1.25
Café au lait...................$1.50
Chai Tea.......................$1.75
Tazo Tea
w/ as much hot
water as you need..............$1.25

All and Sundry
Ice Anything...................$0.50
Sub Soy Milk...................$0.25
Add a Flavor Shot..............$0.25
Cup o' Water...................$0.50
Colder Beverages as priced

Sandwiches
The AC Reuben
(pastrami, Swiss cheese, sauerkraut,
grilled onions, tomato, and spicy
mustard on caraway rye bread.)
...............................$8.00

The AC Tuna Melt
(Oregon Albacore Tuna mixed with
some mayo, grilled onions, tomato
and your choice of cheese.)
...............................$6.50
The AC Killer Roast Beef Sandwich
(Strawberry Mountain Beef roasted
right here, horseradish sauce, mustard,
lettuce, tomato, sweet onion,and your
choice of cheese)..............$6.50

The AC Turkey Sandwich
(all natural turkey breast, cranberry
sauce, cheese, mustard, mayo, lettuce,
tomato, onion).................$6.00

Grilled Cheese Sandwich
(your choice of cheese, your choice of
bread (add tomato for $0.25 and/or grilled
onion for $0.25)...............$4.00

Veggie Sandwich
(cream cheese, cucumber, carrots,
lettuce, sweet onions, tomatoes on
your choice of bread)..........$4.00

Peanut Butter and Jelly........$3.50

Substitute a salad
(instead of chips).............$1.00

Nachos (chips, in-house made black beans
and spicy brown rice, cheddar and pepper
jack cheese, sour cream, in house made salsa)

Veggie Nachos...................$4.50
Nachos w. Chicken...............$6.00

Stuff in a Bowl
Oven-Baked Turkey Stew (free range turkey,
veggies, mushrooms, and spices.)

Cup.............................$3.50
Bowl
(Served with a side
salad and bread.)...............$7.00
Soup du Semaine
(check the specials board)

Small Bites

Bagel............................$1.50
Bagel with Cream Cheese..........$2.00
Chips and Salsa..................$2.50
Rice and Beans...................$3.00
Cookies..........................$1.50
Scones...........................$1.50
Sweet Bread......................$2.00
Brownies.........................$2.00
Rice Krispy Treats...............$2.00
Bag o' Chips.....................$0.75

Merry Christmas, you music-hoarding sonsofbitches!

Portland’s very own ex-Blowster, full time YACHTster, Jona Bechtolt is giving away A TON of instrumental tracks, for free! The three ZIP files worth of music feature tracks from both The Blow and YACHT, and will be perfect for New Year’s Eve karaoke, your budding career as a mashup artist, or just developing that perfect ringtone using his beat from “The Summer Song.”

Plus, Bechtolt’s explanation to why he giving away his music is pretty forward-thinking and admirable:

I download music. I download a lot of music. I don’t purchase music often, so I completely and totally understand when kids come up to me at shows and look me straight in the eye and tell me they’re not going to buy my record tonight because they’ve already, or are going to go home and, download it. There just isn’t any reason to show animosity towards this new-ish way of communicating; to me, this feels like a natural way of weeding out assholes and the people that aren’t smart enough to make interesting work.

Start the downloading here, here, and here. You crazy kids and your free music!

In lieu of my normal Christmas activities (baking a cake for Jesus, crying a lot), this year I’ve decided to post my favorite Christmas songs—one a day, all the way until the 25th. While you might not get music as great as this, these songs sure beat all the lousy gifts you’ll have to pretend to like.

NSF!!!! Get those headphones on and get ready to be filled with some holiday joy from Compton’s finest citizen, Eazy-E. Now resting peacefully in heaven’s manger alongside baby Jesus, Eazy-E’s contribution to the genre of Christmas songs is truly one for the ages.

MP3:
Eazy-E - Merry Muthafuckin’ Xmas

Image courtesy of the Etch-A-Sketchist. He’d never record an X-rated Christmas song.

Here’s a picture of Nicolas Cage and his skeevy buddies looking at filthy, illegal, and morally reprehensible pornography.

Yes, that’s just one of the many exhilarating scenes in National Treasure: Book of Secrets. Speaking of which: Lindy West’s web-exclusive review of the film is now online. The short version:

Before the screening of National Treasure: Book of Secrets had even started, a dude a few seats away from me announced to no one in particular: “This is like The Da Vinci Code meets Indiana Jones!” Great point, dude! He’s sort of right, though—it is like The Da Vinci Code in that Nicolas Cage is wearing Tom Hanks’ exact terrible hairpiece. And it’s like Indiana Jones in that it’s a shitty rip-off of Indiana Jones. But if it were up to me to construct a pointless, mega-clichéd analogy to sum up this movie, I’d say it’s more like doodoo meets feces meets The Goonies meets old people. Meets the Library of Congress. Also, it’s the best movie I’ve ever seen, or I’m not Calvin “Fucking” Coolidge. (Wait, I’m not.)

Due to the kabillion movies opening for Xmas—from Sweeney Todd to Walk Hard to Kurt Cobain About a Son—this week’s film section is the biggest we’ve had in a while. I’d link to all of the reviews individually, but, as stated above, there are a kabillion of them, and as you likely know by now, fuck, am I ever lazy! So just go here already.

I’ll be on Dave Lister’s radio show this afternoon, shortly after 4 pm. I’m not entirely sure what we’ll chat about—Lister says “I’ll just toss you an open question about city politics and we can go from there”—but I do know we’ll have fun. You can check it out on AM 1360.

Looking for a great last minute gift idea? Then I heartily encourage you to get your picture taken with CHOCOLATE SANTA! Readers of the print version of the Mercury may have already read my all-encompassing review of all the Santa laps in town (except those I didn’t get to). And I have to say, for all around lap pleasure and Santa-osity, CHOCOLATE SANTA is the one to beat! He’s super nice, and gave me great gifts (a Fantastic Four coloring book, and a Jammin’ 95.5 sticker). PLUS, as you can see, the picture looks GREAT, and oh, so CHEAP! Only $8 for a 5x7 with folder! And remember, CHOCOLATE SANTA also happily poses with adults, kids, cops, pets. BUT YOU GOTTA GO THIS WEEKEND! Here are the deets:

CHOCOLATE SANTA

Saturdays and Sundays ONLY, 1 pm - 6 pm

407 NE Mason (Corner of MLK Blvd, and Mason, in Unforgettable Nails)

(503) 201-3312

It’s a ho-ho-heluva good time!

Protesters in New Orleans clash with cops, as the city council approves demolition of 4,500 public housing units. “City Council members — some sipping water, others leafing through file folders — looked on impassively as a man was tasered, handcuffed and dragged from the council chambers.”

Newsflash: Using the video game Mortal Kombat as a defense to killing a 7-year-old won’t cut it.

Don’t write off John Edwards yet—the candidate “who at the start of the month was polling barely 10 percent in most surveys.[..] is at 18 percent [in New Hampshire]. As in Iowa, where he is now essentially tied for the lead with Obama, Edwards is the candidate who is closing fastest at the Holiday season gives way to the actual caucusing and voting.”

Older white women are apparently a growing block of tourists enjoying the sex trade in Kenya, “a country they say is ‘just full of big young boys who like us older girls.’”

The oldest WWI vet dies, leaving just two left.

Quote of the day: “They just took the baby Jesus and left the pigs head.”

This year, I asked a number of people involved in the local fashion industry to give me their take on 2007, and what they’re looking forward to in 2008. I’ll be posting them on M.O.D. as they trickle in, and you’ll see some early responders in the next issue of the Mercury, too. Here’s what Garett Stenson, CEO of DB Clay had to say:

My favorite new boutique is Lizard Lounge. They have been super cool to work with and they are serious about running a good business. They are responsive, they educate themselves on the brands they carry and simply, they flat out sell product. All too often, I feel, boutiques are too concerned with being cool rather than actually selling product. Lizard Lounge combines both elements nicely. Other honorable mentions: My favorite stores in Portland are Ray’s Ragtime and Alexandra’s on Interstate (Vintage shit). Local 35 always carries cool shit and you can tell Justin is working hard to make it happen and keep it fresh. I buy most of my nice shoes at Johnny Sole…the best men’s shoe store hands down. Though I don’t shop their too much, Upper Playground (Jay Sajko) is doing it right. Great aesthetic, art, products, well done. Jay is a stud and his store is cranking. Emily Katz is a dope chick. She is clever, she is musical, she is innovative, and she is multidimensional. She’s making it happen. I am part of Sameunderneath too…Good people all around. Working hard, pushing the envelope towards a global business model which I like. Education (rather than just fashion) is going to be the competitive advantage that defines. New trends in 2008: Of course, green. Although I feel like this is not being handled very well by most. It’s being used too loosely as a buzz word rather than a genuine pursuit. I fear it will crumble and become a fad if managed poorly which is sad because it is a good cause. I just don’t think people are handling (and marketing it) very well. The internet. Pretty much going to sculpt and radically change the landscape of fashion as we know it…get ready ya’ll… As soon as I get paid (and I’m talking paid), I am going to start buying custom tailored suits from Mario’s…I want to bring back the Great Gatsby days…suits, cufflinks, fancy parties…Rolls Royce. The roaring… Por que no has the best tacos in the world.

(a DB Clay wallet—one of many designs)

I love that Guillermo Del Toro is following up Pan’s Labyrinth with Hellboy II. It reminds me of when Spielberg followed up Schindler’s List with Jurassic Park: The Lost World. Kind of like, “Hey, thanks for all the awards and praise and shit, but now I’m going to go back to doing the sort of movies I really like doing.”

And speaking of Del Toro, fucking A, I hope this happens.

In lieu of my normal Christmas activities (baking a cake for Jesus, crying a lot), this year I’ve decided to post my favorite Christmas songs—one a day, all the way until the 25th. While you might not get music as great as this, these songs sure beat all the lousy gifts you’ll have to pretend to like.

Oh, boo-hoo, I didn’t get that Nintendo Wii for Christmas!

And I don’t care what Dolly Fuckin’ Parton has to say about her “Hard Candy Christmas.” Really, Apple Wine? What is that? They serve that at Dollywood? I’m all for your brand of homespun optimism and being “fine and dandy,” but Dolly, my dear, you don’t know what you’re singing about. They didn’t have Nintedo back then. And this was a freaking Wii, and I was supposed to get it.

Life sucks.

MP3:
Dolly Parton - Hard Candy Christmas

If I had a boyfriend, he’d be getting this for Christmas. Fumbling for a condom is so high school. I would buy myself one but I’m not quite ready to be the chick with a condom dispenser on her nightstand.

Available at Canoe, 1136 SW Alder. Hat tip to the unintentionally hilarious Portland Picks for Men

A few years ago I wrote a story about Bigfoot. While it won several awards and solidified my reputation as the Portland Mercury’s most skillful and dedicated investigative reporter, true success still felt as elusive as Sasquatch himself.

Until, that is, this morning—when I had the pleasure of learning that my Bigfoot article, “I Hunt the Giant Man-Ape,” had been published on Bigfoot: Fact or Fantasy, a site run by Mr. Roger Thomas, a resident of Llanbedr, a village in Wales!

Mr. Thomas—in addition to being the subpostmaster of the Llanbedr Post Office—has compiled an exhaustive amount of articles and data on Bigfoot, and I was honored beyond words to find that my article was included. (Mr. Thomas’ excellent and useful site also contains a brief autobiography, as well as sections about HTML code, Welsh postal regulations, and a page written by his sassy cat, Felix!)

I am now famous and respected the world over for my scholarly treatise. Thank you, Roger Thomas. I feel confident in saying that both the Llanbedr and Bigfoot communities are lucky to have you.

Yesterday, the anti-gay jerks at Restore America/Concerned Oregonians (in cahoots with the conservatives at the Alliance Defense Fund) landed a December 28 court date in their effort to put domestic partnerships to a public vote. They’ll be asking the judge for a temporary restraining order and preliminary injunction, to prevent DPs from starting on January 2.

Basic Rights Oregon isn’t a party to the lawsuit—the anti-gay activists sued the Secretary of State and county elections officials, alleging that signatures were unfairly tossed out—but they’ve retained counsel just in case, and are determining what sort of involvement they could have next Friday.

That said, spokesperson Karynn Fish says BRO thinks “it’s unlikely” that the “eleventh hour move” to block DPs will be successful. The plaintiffs have to show that they’ll be irreparably harmed if DPs move forward on January 2. Meanwhile, Fish says “it’s going to be made clear to them that there’s greater harm on the other side” if same-sex couples are further denied the basic rights that will come with domestic partnerships.

If you’re planning on heading to the Multnomah County Building on January 2 to get yourself partnered (please, please help me come up with a better verb for this!), head here for all the info. Locally, you’ll need $60 to file the paperwork, and there will be free notary services at the Multnomah County Building for the first week or two. Also, I’ve heard there will be celebratory pie (because cake evokes weddings, and these are not weddings), and the ever-lovable PFLAG moms and dads on hand to make everyone cry.

Last week, we asked every city council candidate to introduce themselves to Blogtown. This week, we ask the next logical question:

If elected, which bureau would you most like to head up? How do you feel that bureau is currently being run, and what changes, if any, would you make as commissioner of that bureau?

Candidates got the question a week ago, and had until this morning to respond. Got an idea for a future question? Put it in the comments, or email me.

Incumbent City Commissioner Randy Leonard was the first to answer last week’s question, and the first responder to this week’s question—he’s up first, followed by his opponents, then those running for the open seat.

The shorthand version:
Leonard loves the Water Bureau, which he currently oversees. Ed Kill “decided to run for City Council because of Police abuse” and would love to head up the cops.

In the open seat race, John Branam has his eye on the Office of Sustainable Development (OSD), with plans to “[roll] back our impact on the planet.” Transportation advocate Chris Smith would like—you guessed it—the Office of Transportation, and took this opportunity to unveil his transportation platform (it includes a “a carbon footprint analysis” of all transportation investments).

Howard Weiner’s interested in the Office of Neighborhood Involvement (ONI), which he thinks is currently “underutilized and misdirected in it’s approach to civic engagement.” Amanda Fritz, surprisingly, names the Police Bureau as her top choice, to “revitalize Portland’s movement toward community policing.” Jeff Bissonnette lays out his “dream portfolio,” which includes OSD, the Office of Cable Communications, ONI, and the Water Bureau. And Charles Lewis treats us to another video answer, and says he’d like to “arm wrestle” Commissioner Erik Sten for the privilege of running the Bureau of Housing and Community Development.

Randy Leonard
Position sought: Commissioner #4
Website: randyforportland.com
Public financing status: Not participating in program

I have been fortunate since arriving on the city council to have been given excellent bureau assignments. My current portfolio is comprised of the Bureau of Development Services, the Bureau of Emergency Communications (aka the 911 center) and the Water Bureau.

I have to admit that the assignment I was initially most skeptical of was the Water Bureau, given its tumultuous history. I’m happy to say that I could not have been more pleasantly surprised. As the commissioner-in-charge of the Water Bureau, and with the outstanding public service ethic of the women and men of the Portland Water Bureau, I have had a wide variety of opportunities to deliver the kinds of services Portlanders want. Here are some examples of how I run the Water Bureau:

When I was first assigned the Water Bureau in July of 2005, I discovered a number of fenced off properties throughout Portland, owned by the Water Bureau, that each played a vital role in delivering water to our citizens. The size of those properties ranged from one to five acres. Although the entire properties were fenced off, the infrastructure that actually needed to be protected occupied only a small footprint within each piece of land. I believed that we could better utilize the property to allow parks in neighborhoods where none existed by removing the fences and opening up the property to the public.

Today, we have five new “HydroParks” (a park operated by the Portland Water Bureau) throughout Portland that provide recreational opportunities in neighborhoods that previously had no parks. These HydroParks are home to a range of amenities that reflect what each particular neighborhood said they wanted: Some have walking trails, a community garden, playground equipment and all have picnic tables.

I have also been pleased to bring my passion for sustainability to the Water Bureau. I’m developing a project wherein the Water Bureau will install five acres of solar panels in our back-up well field along the Columbia River. When completed, it will be one of the largest solar fields of any public agency in the United States. I also directed that all diesel vehicles within the Water Bureau use B-99 biodiesel fuel whenever possible. The result is that the Portland Water Bureau is the largest fleet in the United States that uses B-99 biodiesel.

The main source of water for Portlanders is located within the Bull Run Watershed about 30 miles east of Portland in the foothills of Mt. Hood. There is no purer water in the world than Bull Run water. It is a treasure I can honestly say I took for granted until I visited the Bull Run Watershed after first being assigned the Water Bureau two and one half years ago. In an attempt to have as many Portlanders as possible have the experience I did, I have directed an expansion of the Bull Run tour program that includes guided bus tours from Portland through Bull Run.

I also initiated the first “Blog” of any bureau in the city with the creation of the Portland Water Bureau’s blog. You can find it at either BullRunWater.com or PortlandWaterBueau.com.

If re-elected I would like to keep all of my assigned bureaus. However, given how far the Portland Water Bureau has come, I would be especially disappointed to lose that assignment. I have the highest respect and admiration for the outstanding work the women and men of the Water Bureau perform 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Ed Kill
Position sought: Commissioner #4
Website: none
Public financing status: Not participating in program

I decided to run for City Council because of Police abuse. Naturally, when I’m elected I would prefer to take charge of the Police Bureau with the intent of reforming Police procedures and replacing the complaint review process. I would make myself directly available to the public and would review every single complaint Myself. If necessary I would get directly involved and investigate a complaint personally. The complaint process would be simple, secure and run by civilians.

I don’t believe that a society can be free if it’s government is keeping secrets so I would release all records except those containing personal information. This would include all the statistical data compiled by the bureau. I firmly believe that the best oversight for government is the press and the people. I would give them the information and let them come up with questions. Questions are how we keep governments under control, we should be questioning our government every day.

I would like to make it clear that I am not a politician I’m a technocrat. I will apply the same analytical process to any bureau I’m put in charge of. I will analyze the situation from top to bottom, find the problems and set about fixing them with the people.

Emily S. Ryan
Position sought: Commissioner #4
Website: emilysryan.com
Public financing status: Less than 100 signatures & contributions

Did not respond by the deadline. -Eds.

*****

John Branam
Position sought: Commissioner #1
Website: john4pdx.org
Public financing status: 635 signatures & contributions as of today, he says

Thank you for the opportunity to talk about Portland's bureaus; these questions have been great. It's exciting to have this early opportunity to exchange ideas with my co-candidates and to share my thoughts with Portlanders.

The question about which ONE bureau I would most like to head up is challenging. A primary thrust of my campaign - and, for that matter, my past professional experiences - has been strong leadership. No matter which bureaus I'm assigned I look forward to providing leadership that is both visionary and collaborative.

In truth, being a commissioner of any of our bureaus is appealing to me. Each plays an important role in Portland and offers a unique way to connect with and support Portlanders. For example, having been a neighborhood association chair, I am drawn to the role ONI plays in connecting neighbors and neighborhoods to City Hall and our city's many resources.

But if I had to chose just one bureau the one that most interests me is the Office of Sustainable Development. Portland has a unique opportunity to demonstrate extraordinary leadership in rolling back our impact on the planet, and the Office of Sustainable Development can play a key role in our doing so.

Among the many ideas I have to preserve and improve Portland's quality of life, below are a few that relate specifically to this bureau:

The number one contributor to greenhouse gases is vehicle emissions, especially those coming from combustible engines. To address this serious issue Portland should increase its efforts to acquire a full fleet of low/no-impact vehicles. An exciting and relevant opportunity would be to partner with Honda to become the second region to pilot their newly-released zero-emission, hydrogen fuel cell vehicle.

Further, the City of Portland must redouble its efforts to move towards purchasing only renewable energy - such as wind energy - to power its infrastructure.

The second major contributor to environmental degradation is construction. Without question I am excited about Portland's growth and its commitment to being a global leader in green building. Critical, then, is our ability to pioneer building practices the compliment Portland's vision for having green structures, and for building those structures utilizing innovative, green techniques.

While not considered by many to be an environmental issue, public housing is a key driver of suburban sprawl, whereby individuals and families move outside city centers (often seeking less expensive housing) and commute to their jobs still inside the city center (and, hence, creating more emissions). Suburban sprawl does unimaginable harm to the environment each year, and preventing it should be a top concern. As Portland continues to grow and experience economic success, we need to ensure Portlanders of all income levels can live inside the city - where they can bike and take mass transit to accomplish their daily needs.

In addition to these idea I look forward to spending the first several months in office listening to the experts - bureau employees and passionate Portlanders - about their ideas for the Office of Sustainable Development and how we can, together, be more aggressive about preserving our beautiful natural surroundings and our amazing natural resources.

Many thanks for the opportunity to share my ideas. For more information about my platform or to join my campaign for city council please visit my website @ www.John4PDX.org

Chris Smith
Position sought: Commissioner #1
Website: citizensmith.us
Public financing status: Passed the 500 signatures & contributions mark on December 17

I suspect your readers would be shocked if my answer were anything other than “Transportation.” (For those who don’t know, I have been a transportation advocate for more than 10 years.)

The Portland Office of Transportation (often known as PDOT) has made some significant changes in recent years. Under tremendous budget pressure due to declining gas tax buying power, the bureau has trimmed its budget significantly (which I assisted in, as a member of the budget advisory committee) while still maintaining critical services and working to making transportation in Portland more sustainable. My objective as Commissioner of Transportation would not be so much to change direction as to push further into sustainability.

This is a good opportunity to launch the transportation policy for our campaign. Readers can find the full policy on our web site (http://www.citizensmith.us/downloads/transportation_policy.pdf), but here are the highlights:

- Insist that all transportation investments be subject to a carbon footprint analysis
- Make safety the first priority for investment
- Maintain our existing transportation assets
- Use the system we have more efficiently through new technology
- Invest strategically to support growth in population more sustainably

Howard Weiner
Position sought: Commissioner #1
Website: howardforportland.com
Public financing status: Less than 100 signatures & contributions as of early December

I would most like to head up the Office of Neighborhood Involvement.

I believe this bureau is underutilized and misdirected in it’s approach to civic engagement through no fault of staff or it’s Director but by direction or lack there of. I applied for the position of Director of this bureau two years ago and was the finalist along with the current Director.

Much has changed since this bureau was started 1n 1974 as the Office of Neighborhood Associations. Citizens lacked a voice on land use issues that affected their neighborhood and this was the bureau that the city council created to give citizens a role in land use policy decisions.

It is now time to reenergize this bureau and move in a new direction

I would expand the role of ONI to building relationships between business, interest groups and neighborhood associations and put resources back into these communities through seed money grants that nurture relationship building.

I would change the name of this bureau to the Office of Community Engagement and create an entrepreneurial enterprise aimed at soliciting and promoting our best ideas and brightest activists.

I would insure that the community was at the table at the front end of any process that would affect their lives not at the tail end being sold on decisions already made.

I believe this bureau has the potential to bring all of us together in building our future with citizen driven participatory government for all.

Howardforportland.com

Amanda Fritz
Position sought: Commissioner #1
Website: amandafritzforcitycouncil.com
Public financing status: 973 signatures & contributions, according to her site

I would like to be the Commissioner for the Police Bureau, and revitalize Portland's movement toward community policing.

As a psychiatric nurse for 25 years, I truly empathize with public safety officers about the dangers involved when interacting with mentally ill and drug addicted people, while working overtime due to understaffing. I know the value and importance of mutual respect, too. I will work for 95 safe, strong, healthy Portland neighborhoods, whose residents and businesses assist in crime prevention. I will listen and respond to both officers' and neighbors' concerns. Portland should be a place where our police officers are honored, valued, and connected with the community in every neighborhood.

As the Police Commissioner, I will support Chief Sizer by pushing for increased training that reduces the need for the use of force, and by streamlining recruitment to fill the current backlog of open positions. I will review the Police Bureau's policies, require accountability in practice, and increase public understanding of the Bureau through transparency of all its processes.

I will lead every bureau that the Mayor places in my portfolio with the democratic principles of transparency, accountability, and increased public involvement. As Commissioner, I will make it easier for citizens to both understand the work of all my bureaus, and to obtain the highest level of City services no matter which bureau is responsible, or which part of town they live in.

For a more complete discussion of this question, please visit the blog on my web site. I plan to open the blog for comments soon, after I finish collecting the 1000 donations of $5 from Portland voters needed to qualify for Public Campaign Financing.

Jeff Bissonnette
Position sought: Commissioner #1
Website: portlandersforjeff.com
Public financing status: Nearly 400 signatures & contributions

There is a wide range of bureaus that I would be interested in administering as a city commissioner. However, I do have a "dream portfolio" to which I would request being assigned if elected:

the Office of Sustainable Development, to take advantage of my experience with clean energy and energy efficiency policies;
the Office of Cable Communications and Franchise Management, to take advantage of my experience with telecommunications and community media issues;
the Office of Neighborhood Involvement, to take advantage of my background in community and grassroots organizing; and
the Water Bureau, to take advantage of my consumer advocacy background.

For the purposes of this question, I'll focus on my goal to administer the Water Bureau. I believe the bureau is currently being run well overall. There has been an effort in recent years to make the bureau more responsive to citizen concerns, leading to the bureau's highest satisfaction ratings from residents and businesses in over a decade, according to the Service Efforts and Accomplishments (SEA) Report issued recently. The bureau has worked to upgrade the billing systems so that improvements like monthly payments are possible. The bureau has also been at the forefront in challenging the federal government's water treatment requirements that would force additional treatment of Bull Run water and/or potentially covering or retiring our reservoir system, all coming at a high expense to water ratepayers.

Because of challenges from outside entities, like the one highlighted above from the federal government, as well as other proposals, such as the one to add a street maintenance fee to water and sewer bills, Portlanders are concerned about the upward pressure on already high bills for these essential services. This concern is also shared by residents in other communities that receive water service from the City of Portland. As ratepayers, Portlanders and other customers need to understand how rates are developed and how charges end up on their bills.

As commissioner-in-charge of the Water Bureau, I would prioritize increasing the bureau's accountability in this area in order to maintain, and hopefully improve, the bureau's already strong satisfaction rating. To that end, I would develop and implement a public ratemaking process to allow a thorough examination of rate design and charges. The bureau should have to defend its recommended rates for water service and respond to questions from and analysis by outside parties. This process will include an independent third party whose primary role is advocating for the interests of ratepayers. This independent third party advocacy would be additive to the merely advisory role currently played by the Mayor-appointed and Council-confirmed Portland Utility Review Board (PURB) in these issues. The PURB would also provide a key coordination link to sewer rate-related issues, which are proposed separately by the Bureau of Environmental Services.

Portlanders must feel increasingly assured that their water rates are set responsibly and accurately. A public ratemaking process will further Portlanders understanding and acceptance of the rates they pay for water service and for future investments to ensure continued availability of clean water for the city.

Charles Lewis
Position sought: Commissioner #1
Website: charleslewis.com
Public financing status: About 800 signatures & contributions

[Charles responded with a video. -Eds.]

Longtime readers of the Mercury already know that I have a completely unreasonable hatred for those overhyped Limey idiots THE BEATLES. However! I have absolutely nothing against Australian Beatles cover bands like THE BEATNIX—especially when they do a completely mind boggling version of “Stairway to Heaven”… as if it were “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”
Confused? Watch it and marvel!

Tips to Vulture!

While the Trail Blazers continue their absolutely insane winning streak, former Blazer Rasheed Wallace joins some of his Detroit Pistons teammates in wishing us all a very jolly Christmas. Stick around for the “remix” portion of the song, that’s when things get good.

Winning is nice, but I kind of miss ‘Sheed.

DEAR READERS: It has been an honor to have been chosen by local Fox affiliate PDX 49 to choose (and introduce) my favorite episode of The Simpsons, which they will run this coming February. However, I do have a quandary… WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE?! Here are my top choices so far (and in no particular order):
• Marge vs. the Monorail (a great parody of The Music Man with Leonard Nimoy and written by Conan O’Brien).
• Cape Feare (another great parody, this time of Scorsese’s movie, starring Sideshow Bob stepping on a rake).
• Last Exit to Springfield (where Homer starts a union, and Grandpa utters the classic line, “We wore onions on our belts… which was the fashion of the time.”).
• The Itchy, Scratchy, and Poochie Show (Homer provides the voice for Itchy and Scratchy’s EXTREME new sidekick.)
• Homer’s Phobia (Homer goes gay, saying, “I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals Fa-LAAAMING!”).

AUGGGHHH!! I CAN’T DECIDE! Please help muddy my decision making process by suggesting your fave episodes below!

2007 was a bit of an underwhelming year for me in books: In trying to review a book a week (a goal I hit with about 75% accuracy), I trudged through a ton of mediocre shit and missed out on a lot of titles (these three, especially)that I’m eager to double back and catch up on one of these days. I’m sure it wasn’t a bad year for books per se; it was just a bad year for me picking the winners. It wasn’t a boring year on the literary front, though:

We lost two heavyweights within the span of two weeks: After living a fuller life than you or I could ever dream, Norman Mailer passed in early November. Mailer had managed to alienate a lot of readers and sub-political academic circles in his 50-plus year career, but it would take an act of willful ignorance not to stand in awe of his literary accomplishments. So maybe nobody read his final book, The Castle in the Forest, but it’s hard to fault any writer over the age of 80, with more than 30 books under his belt, penning a 500-page doorstopper of historical fiction about Hitler’s childhood, Satan, and Sigmund Freud. Most people in their 60s that I know can hardly bring themselves to run more than one errand a day after retirement.

Mailer’s death was quick on the heels of another literary legend, Fup the Cat of Powell’s Technical Books. As far as we know, Fup never alienated sub-political academic circles, and her obit is about the sweetest thing I’ve ever read.

Speaking of Powell’s: How depressingly histrionic was that LA Times story about the bequeathing of the store from Papa Powell to daughter Emily? What I got from the story was the revelatory news that Amazon and Barnes & Noble are hurting independent bookstores, and that shifting focus to e-commerce requires some effort. Groundbreaking stuff, I know. Yet I received at least five emails when that article came out, asking me if Powell’s was closing.

The more treacherous near-closure was, of course, Reading Frenzy’s touch-and-go springtime troubles. Judging from their website, Chloe has plenty of stuff lined up for early ‘08 and an issue of Craphound forthcoming, hopefully indicating that the bullet was dodged.

What was that bullet again? Oh yeah—this. Hahahahaha. (Actually, I’m quicker to shoot death glares at this dolled-up cultural regression, but have set aside years of misguided cynicism and come to really applaud this.)

2007 saw Portland authors doing it big like Mario Lopez’s dimples: The breakout star had to be Monica Drake, whose Clown Girl became an instant cult-classic and is reportedly the metaphorical rabbit in the middle of a Jack London-y circle of rabid, hungry Hollywood screenwriters at the moment. (Amazing metaphors like that are why I get paid the big bucks!)

Anybody who’s read Charles D’Ambrosio’s books knows that he’s incomparably gifted: Even though he has that particular whiff of obscurity reserved for deeply talented artists and remains under-read, the awards keep rolling in. This year he was a finalist for the Pen Faulkner Award, alongside some of the very best authors working in the English language.

Speaking of awards—Miranda July no longer hangs her hat in Portland, but we’re not ready to give up the connection just yet. Her very good collection of stories, No One Belongs here More Than You, not only demonstrated that July is an artist of ridiculously devastating talent, but it it also brought home a little extra bacon by winning the Frank O’Connor short fiction award—the biggest cash prize of its kind on the planet. If you haven’t read the book yet, I’d recommend picking it up with any Christmas cash that comes your way. It’s less twee than you might expect, and probes some deliciously uncomfortable veins of intimacy and eroticism.

In the Mercury’s music section this week, Ezra had people contain their CD enthusiasms to what they could count on one hand. Since I made so many poor reading choices this year, I’m going to limit my best-of to four. Here, then, are my favorite books of 2007, in just-shy-of-arbitrary order:

1. The Entire Predicament by Lucy Corin
2. 8 by Amy Fusselman
3. McSweeney’s 24: Tribute to Donald Barthelme
4. The Zookeeper’s Wife by Diane Ackerman

I’d love to include two thick-as-a-brisket novels that I’m currently reading, but haven’t yet finished. Denis Johnson’s Tree of Smoke is every bit as good as people say, and although I’ve barely started Bowl of Cherries by 90-year-old(!) Millard Kaufman (co-creator of Mr. Magoo!!!!), it is, so far, one of the most deliriously fun and inventive books I’ve read as an adult. With enough dedicated reading hours and pots of green tea, I might be able to knock both of these books out by the 31st, rescuing this otherwise ho-hum year as a semi-professional reader.

Another week, another Mercury music section to read while you think about the world’s worst math teacher. How come my hall passes never had the words “Give me a blow job” on them?

Blizen Trapper had one hell of a year. The past 12 months have seen the local kids go from self-releasing their own records, to a fancy record deal with Sub Pop and sold-out shows with Stephen Malkmus. Well played, boys.
MP3: Blitzen Trapper - Wild Mountain Nation

We ask a ton of local musicians for their Top Five Albums of 2007. Spoon, Menomena and M.I.A. were the top picks. Next week, we ask them about their Top Five Sexual Positions. Spoiler Alert: Reverse Cowgirl is number one!
MP3: Spoon - You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb

MP3: Menomena - Wet And Rusting

MP3: M.I.A. - Paper Planes

• Mass graves have been found near a torture center in northern Iraq. Well… that’s going to put a damper on today’s Secret Santa party.

• Weirdly, Bush refuses to offer an explanation about his administration destroying CIA interrogation tapes. “Let’s just see what the facts are… preferably after I’m out of office? And maybe… I don’t know… fifty years after I’m dead?”

• Prompted by recent shooting rampages, congress has passed legislation to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally ill. In a related story, the NRA announced they were disbanding due to lack of membership.

• Three men were shot and killed this morning in a Vancouver neighborhood. Which is exactly why we should raise the I-5 bridge and keep it raised.

• The 19-year-old boyfriend of now pregnant 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears could face statutory rape charges. When asked for comment, sister Britney said, “Oh thank GOD! You mean you’re not writing about me?”

• Looking for the perfect toy to get that emerging third world nation? How about their own missile defense system?

BRITAIN: IT’S CALLED ‘GREAT’ FOR A REASON…

I’m not even at PDX yet, but here’s the first in what I expect will be an extensive series over the coming days of Great Things About Britain. First up, the columnist, Julie Burchill—I wish she’d move to Portland. Replace “Tesco” with “Walmart” and you should pretty much understand this marvelous piece of writing from today’s Guardian. In it, she manages to slam the notion of localism, accuse a world-famous feminist of sexism, and generally challenge lazy assumptions about chain stores. Here’s a taste:

Winterson dismisses supermarket employees, in all their diversity, as “phoney”, “robotic” and full of “fake helpfulness”. That’s certainly not my experience of these good-humoured people, and speaks of a snobbish and unimaginative view of a whole swathe of humanity. She also attempts to convince us that small shops keep “communities” - always a slightly shady word, as conservative as it is comfy - together. And she fetishises the family, as slow-shop lovers so often do, as in her comment that “in every European city, family-run bars and shops have held their own against global-market madness”, and her later reference to “family-run concerns who spend much of their income where they live”. Whenever I hear the word “family” used as a moral absolute, I immediately reach for my amyl nitrate and my whistle. Families are only as good or as bad as the individual family in question; seeing the word used as shorthand for all that is good and pure is ridiculous.

Taught like a snare drum, that argument. Taught like a snare drum, and priceless.

Live from the Rose Garden, as the Trail Blazers take on the best team with a Jurassic Park-related name, the Gainesville Goldblums Toronto Raptors. The Blazers have won 8 in a row, but to get to nasty number nine, they’ll have to defeat THE GREATEST NBA TEAM FROM CANADA!*

* Also, the only team from Canada.

Tonight, it’s America vs. America Jr.!
Regular bacon vs. round bacon!
Sizzlin’ live blog action starts now…

Pre-Game:
Ok, tonight is kind of a big deal. Not only are the Blazers barreling towards a 9 game win streak, but they are welcoming back LaMarcus Aldridge from a five game absence. But none of that compares to the news that if they win tonight, they'll in second place in the Northwest Division, since Utah has already lost tonight.

Also, more streak news. A win tonight also vaults them ahead of the Boston Celtics as the team with the most consecutive wins in the NBA. Dang.

But before you pop the sparkling cider (it's a work night), the Raptors are the real deal, a on-the-rise franchise with a ferocious defense that, as of late, has been only allowing opponents to score 84 points a game, while the Blazers have been averaging 105 points a night during their streak. Something has got to give, people!

First Quarter:
11:00 - A minute in and the Raptors already have four offensive rebounds. Gulp. 4-0 Raptors

7:32 - Aldridge at the rim for a dunk... but blocked by the moon. Wha? Oh, it's just Jamario Moon. Common mistake. 12-9 Raptors.

5:25 - Brandon Roy carries the ball—you just can't do that—and it's turnover number four. Both teams look sharp, especially Toronto and their ability to get themselves in the passing lane. 20-16 Raptors.

3:38 - Blake with an ankle-breaking crossover move that leads to a pass to Martell Webster, who knocks down the three. This is what the experts call a "tie" game. 22 up.

2:15 - File this under the "what the fuck?" category, as the Blazers are shooting 71% from the floor, yet are still losing 28-25.

0:25 - It took all quarter, but the Blazers take the lead. 31-30. Now it's time to see what the Red & Black's bench can do in the second quarter.

Second Quarter:
9:53 - Hey, it's turnover number six. That's no good, no good at all. Remember Blazers, despite their harmless nature, these Canadians are not your friends. Stop handing them the ball. 38-35 Dinos.

8:25 - Angry over his girlie name, Toronto's Andrea Bargnani knocks Sergio Rodriguez to the floor (clearly jealous of the manly name of "Sergio") but escapes the foul call. Nice one, Boy Named Sue. 40-37 Canucks.

8:04 - Travis Outlaw's dunk was just blocked by Kris Humphries. Ok, that sentence did not do it justice. Dude was BLOCKED. B-L-O-C-K-E-D. 43-37 Raptors.

4:13 - Not a good sign, James "I have the best three-point shooting percentage in the NBA" Jones just clanks a pair of threes for the Red & Black. Meanwhile, Brandon "My nickname isn't as long as James Jones" Roy knocks down his long shot from beyond the three-point line. 45-42 Toronto.

1:07 - If it wasn't for Roy this game would be ugly. Sam Cassell ugly. He has 16 points already and he's the only Blazer player the Raptors don't seem to know how to defend. 56-49 Dinobots.

0:00 - Roy misses a contested shot at the buzzer, so the players head to the locker room with a halftime score of 56-51 Raptors.

Third Quarter:
9:40 - The Vanilla Gorilla fouls Chris Bosh above the rim, and the Raptors maintain their edge (and not in that hardcore punk way), 60-53.

8:44 - Martell Webster for three. BOOM! And again, BOOM BOOM! 60-59 Raptors, on 6 quick points by Martell.

6:45 - Webster. Three points. Boom. 68-66 Toronto.

5:12 - The Blazers are playing very well, but the Raptors are shooting lights out, and every time the home team rallies back and closes the gap, Toronto pulls ahead. 72-68 the other team.

4:34 - Oh shit! Roy pulls a Jordan and switches hands midair to avoid a Chris Bosh swat. If Sportscenter doesn't show that play tonight, I'm kicking in some skulls. 72-70 Raptors.

1:30 - BOOOOOMMMM! Martell with an amazing reversal dunk. 76-74 Raptors.

0:00 - Three quarters down and despite how well the Blazers are playing, the Raptors are just doing it better. 83-76 with 12 minutes to go. Will the Blazers make it to nine in a row? Or will their reign as hottest team in the NBA end here?

Fourth Quarter:
9:27 - Here's an idea, get fouled. The Blazers have only shot seven free-throws, and it's one of the reasons why they can't climb back into this game. 85-80 Raptors.

7:43 - 2007 Travis Outlaw was secretly replaced with 2006 Travis Outlaw before the game. The result? One for eight shooting and a horrible missed dunk. 87-82 Raptors.

6:08 - Bosh (luckily) fouls Outlaw and here is a chance for the Blazers to tie the game. Makes the first. Makes the second. This game is tied! 87-87.

5:14 - It's getting' good now. Toronto is now in the penalty, so every foul they commit from here on out will send the Blazers to the line. Plus the momentum is swinging back to the home team. The crowd is loud and Brandon Roy is on fire. 90-87 Blazers.

3:37 - Brrrrrrr, it's cold up there in Toronto. Cold like a frosty can of Molson Light. The Raptors can't buy a bucket (even with Loonies) and the Blazers are holding onto their 92-89 lead.

2:27 - Outlaw fouled, eh. Oh man, an "eh" joke, how low I have sunk? What's next? John Candy joke? Lady Bing Trophy crack? Um, anyway, 95-89 Blazers, their biggest lead of the game.

0:48 - Jose Calderon turns it over, Blazers can finish it here. 97-94 Blazers.

0:11 - James Jones is fouled and knocks down a pair of free-throws. Ladies and gents, it appears that the Blazers are about to win their ninth consecutive game, unless God steps in and allows a miracle for Toronto. 99-94 Blazers.

0:08 - Looks like God hates Canadians. No surprise there. James Jones gets the Chalupa basket, and one more. 101-96 Blazers.

0:00 - That is another win. That is nine in a row. That is second place. Final score: 101-96 Blazers.

Holy shit.

Above the urinal at Tonic lounge.

In this week’s paper, we wrote a lot about our Top Five Albums of 2007. We covered it here, here, and here as well.

But enough about us, what do you think? Dearest readers, what albums made your Top Five of 2007? Were you like the local musicians who seemed to prefer the trifecta of M.I.A., Menomena and Spoon? Or was it something else?

One last reminder, folks! Tonight is the CD Baby Benefit show at Satyricon.
Doors at 8:30, music at 9:00. Your $5 goes to help the Artist Mentorship Program, which provides musical opportunities for kids.


Lots of bands! Here’s the order: Bonne Foi, The Skidmarks, Roid Orbison, Free Music! Stop America!, Beluga Whale, Celia Grace, Chris Robley, Breanna Paletta, Jesus Burger, Dirty Mittens, Chairman, Brother Joseph, Sheets, Caguama, Addle Coves, Slam Dunk (With Authority!), Beardog. Wow. That’s a lot of music.

It has come to my attention that the Slingshot Lounge has an air hockey table in their recently opened game room. I think this makes them the only bar in town that has one (correct me…?). They also have inferior bar games such as shuffleboard, darts, and pool, and soon hope to host shows back there. The acoustics in the room are such that if someone is playing air hockey, it kind of feels like tiny men with hammers are pounding away at your temples, but it’s worth it.

Slingshot Lounge, 5532 SE Center (corner of 56th & Foster), 445-6649, 3 pm-2:30 am daily

The Oregonian reported today on the new website for potential mayoral candidate Sho Dozono (it was in the Tribune and on Blogtown yesterday). The problem is, the Oregonian can’t figure out who’s behind the showyoursupportforsho.com site.

Portland businessman and civic cheerleader Sho Dozono is still not a candidate for mayor, but someone sure wants him to be. It could even be him.

Dozono, owner of Azumano Travel, has long been rumored to be considering a run against Commissioner Sam Adams, so far the only well-known candidate. He apparently still is considering it, and over the weekend a website appeared that asks Portlanders to urge Dozono to get in the race.

The site looks and feels like one of those early positive campaign ads, with a rosy bio and a list of accomplishments, such as Dozono’s efforts in 1996 to raise money for Portland schools.

The site asks readers to respond to the query, “Should Sho run for Mayor of Portland?”
As of 5 p.m. Monday, there were 70 replies, all but one an enthusiastic “yes.”

It was not immediately clear who controls the website, and Dozono did not return phone calls from The Oregonian on Monday. But the Portland Tribune newspaper reported that he hopes to get 1,000 responses on the site, and that he will make a decision about whether or not to run for mayor in January.

Confidential to the Oregonian: You can look these things up on the Internets. The site’s registered to Dozono’s company, Azumano travel (so is shoformayor.com). I’d say it’s a safe bet he set it up.

San Fran Chronicle writer CW Nevius has responded to yesterday’s letter from Patrick Nolen of Sisters of the Road. He’s written back to Patrick and to Paul Boden of the Western Regional Advocacy Project simultaneously:

Hi Patrick (and hello again to Paul)

I am writing both of you because I imagine Paul sent along my contact info to Portland. Which is fine. As I recently said to Paul, I am all for dialogue. The Homeless Coalition here has decided not to talk to me any more, which seems like a bad choice to me. They really want to take their voice out of this debate and leave the largest newspaper in Northern California to their opponents?

I agree. Bad choice. They should talk to him in two or three word sentences.

I would also say that this response from you, Patrick, is very much of the type I have gotten down here. While glad to hear from opponents, the tone is often the same. What I wrote is full of inacurracies, mis-statements, and outright falsehoods, when what I often see is a disagreement with my opinions or the statements of others. It puts any journalist on the defensive — those are absolutely the worst charges that can be leveled against a professional — and it begins an us vs. them battle that only gets more and more bitter.

You think that’s BITTER, CW? It hasn’t even started, mate.

When I try to respond (as I will to yours) and it begins a cycle charges and counter-charges that goes round and round and doesn’t get us anywhere. (That’s my opinion anyhow.)

I am new to this and certainly don’t have the experience of either of you. But if you wouldn’t mind, I would make one suggestion. We’re getting to the point where the advocates are seen as just saying no. No to everything, every proposal, suggestion, or idea. Whether your groups appreciate their point of view or not, some good people (not the nitwit haters who post comments that have to be removed from the web site) are genuinely concerned about this. They’re pained too, and feel for the homeless, and want to do something to make it better for everyone.

No to policies that treat homeless people like litter to be swept off the streets. No to journalists who make a living whipping up fear and resentment. No to people like CW Nevius. The list goes on and on and on.

I often hear about how we are criminalizing the homeless. But I also think there is a demonizing of the people who are looking for answers. They’re not evil just because they disagree and they can be spoken to, and reasoned with.

No, CW. Nor is it beyond the realm of possibility that reading your copy would make me want to get somewhat angry. But I said that already.

Now, as for the complaints:

1.) Never said everyone agreed. That would be a miracle, eh? Just that there was concensus.
2.) Mike is indeed VP. I have a card on my desk right now that says that. You got me there.
3.) As stated, those are Mike’s numb