The Mercury’s charity auction has had over 400 bids on its fabulous auction items—we’re at a grand total of $4600 and growing, to benefit local nonprofit Sisters of the Road. Remember, Sisters is doubling anything we give them, as first time donors, so the total currently is really $9200! Cha-ching.

I’ve spent the last twenty minutes rather enjoying the realization that bidding on a charity auction feels a lot like sticking $20 on red at roulette, only, my wife is going to be less annoyed when I tell her I’m $200 lighter for the fun of it. It’s for charity, darling. It’s for charity! Current BARGAINS include “Narcissism Rocks.”:

Your opportunity to have a hand-painted canvas portrait of YOU in the guise of an imposing historical figure (say, Napoleon, or, perhaps Eddie Van Halen) by Mercury graphic artist Monet Molina (myspace.com/monetmolina), worth over $300!!! Then, immortalize yourself further by starring in a personalized pulp novel courtesy of PulpStar (pulpstar.com)!

I was ashamed to see this going for $21, so I just bid $100 on it because hey, a man can always use more self-love. I also just bid $150 on the snowboarding package, because I need a snowboard, and I can’t BELIEVE it’s going for just $100, including 2 days of passes at Mount Bachelor!

We start with a super cool PBR snowboard (donated by the fine folks at Pabst Blue Ribbon), and a $100 gift certificate to Portland’s oldest and most respected ski emporium, The Mountain Shop (628 NE Broadway)—use it for boots, gloves, tools, wax� whatever! And now that you’re all geared up, you’ll also receive one-day lift tickets for two to the gorgeously fun Mt. Bachelor Ski Resort.

Oh, shit. I’ve just been outbid. Alright, $200. My last offer…and, I’m in the lead! But no! I just bid $10 on lunch with the PBA’s Mike Kuykendall and Randy Leonard, but got outbid. Hmm. Should I stretch to $20? Kuykendall has deep pockets—I could probably scrape El Gaucho out of him…why not. $25. Shit! I got outbid again! What is this? It’s not worth $30, is it?! DAMN!
BIG SHOTS: Leonard and Kuykendall, Political pig wrasslin’ action…

Some guy called “droctagon3000” is bidding on it. That’s not bloody Scott Moore, is it?! You better not be “claiming this back,” Scotty. I’ve gone to $40 and you’ve outbid me again!! I also bid $95 on the “romance package” to fend off inevitable accusations that I only ever think of myself, but fortunately, got outbid! Sorry, darling! And lastly, $50 on pepper spraying myself in the face (oops—missed).
PEPPER SPRAYING MYSELF IN THE FACE: Accuracy isn’t my strong suit…

Unfortunately, some chap called “microzyma” outbid me, instantly. Shit. I didn’t think it’d fetch this much money, and now, I might actually have to endure it. Alright, I’m going to bid $100 on pepper spraying myself in the face. AAAAND…phew. I’m currently in the lead. Now the question for you all is: what’s it worth? More than $100? Less?

The auction closes on December 14th at 4pm.