I couldn't agree more, Chas. Your criticism is completely fair. But welcome to America: the land where money buys you justice.

So. In there interests of justice, and giving me even more attention, because you're right, a lack of it really does hit me where it hurts, here's my challenge:

If you can match my winning bid for Sisters today, $167.50 (that's right, Bowie—get out your hipster checkbook and put your money where your big Southern mouth is), I'll let YOU pepper spray me in January. Do a whip round. I'll even throw in a (moderate) kick in the nuts for good measure.

Sisters gets even more money, I get even more attention, you get the justice you so desperately crave, and our readers get to watch the whole thing on YouTube.

Ps.Sorry to my wife. She's going to kill me when she reads this. But I can't resist a gamble. As you know.

I got an idea. How about Matt eat a platter of kippers for charity.

Chas, I'll donate.

Matt, your eyes are lovely and I'd hate to see anything happen to them. But, I agree with Chas and I can see an ATM from where I sit.

I'm in, I'll donate.

"If you can match my winning bid for Sisters today, $167.50 (that's right, Bowie—get out your hipster checkbook and put your money where your big Southern mouth is), I'll let YOU pepper spray me in January."

Is this offer open to anyone or just Bowie?

Just curious: Does Matt get his money back? After all, he stepped up to the plate during the auction, while the rest of you cheapskates didn't.

YOU'RE ON!

(Tickets to the show will be $5/person, until $167.50 is raised.)

Have a lovely trip back to the mother country this afternoon, Matthew.

I've just finished balancing my checkbook, should any last-minute opportunities arise today.

"After all, he stepped up to the plate during the auction, while the rest of you cheapskates didn't."

I bid on a different one of your auctions, so at least I can lay some degree of claim to being a participant.

i'll order 2 tickets for the show, chas.

can i book a few bands? i'm sure they'll play for free.

While I like the idea of $167.50 PER PERSON, I think Chas's $5 a seat rule is better. My wife, like I say, is going to KILL ME.

And the worst thing?! Chas says he's not planning to video tape it. What a blow!!

Ps.Chas, the check has to clear. And it has to be written today. If you're not sure your account can take it, I'm happy to accept a check from someone totally solvent. Or the cash in an envelope to Shauna upstairs, with "Sisters of the Road" written on it. And it has to actually, you know, go to them.

Get your wads out, colleagues.

Count me in for 2 tickets, then.

Bob, your tickets are $10 each. I don't get the feeling someone with your blood lust is going to balk at the expense.

OK, but that guarantees a front-row-seat (just outside of overspray range, of course.)

When and where is the event, and when/where should I drop off the cash?

Bearing in mind that most of you didn't bid on Matt's original auction, and we're starting a "new" auction of sorts, I've decided to add a new wrinkle to this competition. I will donate $50 to Matt's original donation (so he doesn't have to get pepper-sprayed). So now the new total everyone has to beat is $217.50. Hey, "it's all for charity," right?

And the boss steps in! Nice one, Steve.

I just picked up my unemployment check and am totally willing to plunk it down for the sake of "charity". I'll donate my next check too if you let me do the sprayin'!!!!!

New wrinkle! Mercury staff, meet downstairs at noon. We'll pin Matt down and just pepper spray him FOR FREE!

In case Wm. Steven Humphrey just formally reopened the whole process, I bid $220. (Otherwise, I'm still on for the 2 tickets.)

Ezra & Co.: Sounds good to me! I'll take your "donations" out of this week's paychecks.

We hereby reject Mr. Humphrey's interference and return to Mr. Davis' original proposition:

"If you can match my winning bid for Sisters today, $167.50 (that's right, Bowie—get out your hipster checkbook and put your money where your big Southern mouth is), I'll let YOU pepper spray me in January."

Sidenote: Does anybody know if we're getting Christmas bonuses this year? Can we take out advances against those?

I hereby reject your Christmas bonuses.

You hereby reject the joy in my heart.

Look you guys, this paper is not a democracy. Therefore, let's let the person who REALLY wears the pants around here make the final decision: Matt's wife, Sue.

I'm starting to feel like Marcel in Top Chef, when they pinned him down to shave his head. Poor chap!

http://blogtown.portlandmercury.com/2007/11/top_chef_robbed_marcel.php

But remember: He may have been robbed in the finale, but PADMA FANCIED HIM THE MOST. And he knew his molecular gastronomy backwards. He'll get his reward in heaven. Just like me.

Actually, I'm like Jesus Christ—sacrificing myself on the pepper spray cross.

I'm God.

Keep the donations coming.

"Actually, I'm like Jesus Christ—sacrificing myself on the pepper spray cross."

I was sort of hoping it would go down more like this:

http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/cultureshock/flashpoints/theater/clockworkorange_big.html

Jesus Christ AND Malcom McDowell. I misspoke.

That's right, Steve. Glad someone finally came to his senses.

I think everyone who now wants to spray Matt in the face, but didn't bid during the original auction, should have to pay $167 to Sisters of the Road, let me spray him in eyes, and then punch them the face for good measure. Spoil sports!!!

i totally bid and i have my "we're relisting because ebay might cancel it" email

Why is the Portland Mercury so much lamer than the Stranger? It's so baffling.

I don't know, bob, could it be because of the occasional weird, trolly type non-sequitir in our blog comments?

Wait, I take that back. Anyone who didn't bid on the original auction should pay ME $167 and write me an essay about the meaning of sportsmanship and teamwork.

Ouch. Chas: my wife can be a fucking DRAGON when you light her up. There's no stopping her. It's like Hurricane Katrina, only without the racist federal government aspects.

Seriously: She just sent me an email saying "Chas can suck a d__k."

A duck? A dork?

I've got two words of advice for you: "RESTRAINING," and "ORDER."

Oh, and, possibly, "RIGHT NOW."

Don't wait until it's too late.

holy fuck! whats going on now? this used to be a simple little matter now I'm so confused...

Who is peper-spraying Matt?
How much are they donating to do so?
Can you just get a few large cans of Aqua-Net and make it an all day event?

As I just said to Steve: I have absolutely no doubt I'm safe from harm.

If Chas manages to get organized to pull a check out by 5:00pm today, I'll not only submit to the ordeal, but also, eat my desk.

It's for charity, Bowie. It's for charity.

chas: he said he would eat his desk.

This is why the internet sucks, and this is why I don't associate with any of you in my free time. Matt and I came to an agreement. Overzealous strangers honed in and tried rearranging the terms. Steve stepped in and played the "I'm the boss" card. (It's his to play, fine.) Matt's wife told me to suck a dick (and will now undoubtedly tell Matt to tell me that she never said such a thing). Suddenly, people are saying that we each owe $167 (to Matt's wife, curiously enough).

To quote Paulie Walnuts, "Fuck dat." All the joy has been sapped from the possibility of macing a coworker for Christmas. Worse, it's obvious that my boss tacitly forbids it, and my desk sits directly across from his.

Plus, I did all my ebay bidding with my credit card, because my bank account's tapped. Not only am I bored of the whole communal discussion (I started, I know), but I can't produce $167 on that short notice the week before Christmas. I review art shows and write blog posts for a living, remember?

Sorry homeless people. No Christmas goose this year.

(The upside: My airhorn never charges me a penny.)

Don't think I'll let you off this easily, Bowie—I plan to do a "Chas Cops Out" post first thing in the new year!

Plus, I think Sue stands by her "suck a d__k" comment. Sorry.

Oh, BOO HOO HOO! We've completely sapped all the fun out of pepper spraying someone in the face. YOU COULDN'T RAISE THE MONEY, and Matt could. Admit defeat, and wish Matt a Happy Boxing Day!

chas: post date the check. get a paypal account. my 10$ is ready.

he said he would eat his desk.

i have fleur de sel to lend.

I think Matt sapped all the fun out of pepper spraying someone in the face. So much for taking it to the next level.

OOooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! That was an unexpected side-swipe, Amy! Perhaps you'd like to put your money where your mouth is, also?

I was the first bidder in the original auction. And I've offered Chas the same amount.

(Though, to be honest, I pledged in part to save you - I figured I could spray ya from across the street or something.)

Well then you're forgiven.

In house bickering, ebay spray blocking aside - Matt Davis is a pussy. Bottom line. I thought you cared Matt?

K. Thanx. Bye.

Bottom line: Money where mouth is, 5pm today. All else is mush.

Bottom line: If Matt Davis was going to puss out on the deal all along, there was no reason for his photograph to be all over the mercury website, paper, and pickup boxes. Except for the mercury to mislead their readers and for Davis to get more of that attention he so pathetically cries for. If he really wanted to give to charity he could have just cut a check and been done with it. This was extremely lame on the part of Davis and the mercury.

there's this thing on ebay called SHILL BIDDING and it's when you bid on your own auctions to raise the value. if ebay finds out they will totally REJECT YOUR POWERSELLER STATUS.

And it's 5:03. I don't see no check. See you on January 2nd.

5:03 by my computer's clock, I mean. 6 minutes left, Chas!

Way to get into the spirit of a charity auction, gang! None of you outbid Matt when you had the chance, despite knowing that the donation goes to a charity (Amy, you had to bid again if you wanted yours to count)so he increases the total amount of the donation. Now you all want him to get sprayed in the face anyway--and you want Matt to pay for it.

That's ludicrous!

If I knew about the auction I would have bid, and with one of those ebay snipe tools so he couldn't wuss out and beat me at the last minute. $167 is a bargain.

Like Katrina, like I said. She'll fuck you up.

Anybody else want to tousle with me?

Andy Mesa do you live under a rock? You cannot plead ignorance of the auction.

"...to have and to hold..."

[sigh]

That's a good woman you have there, Matt. Those complainers have been outwitted, and outplayed.
BOTTOM LINE.

Bottom line, indeed. I'm gonna print this out and frame it for our kids.

Jesus, thats one annoying b__h.

Is that "people not invited to 2008" contest still going on? If it is, I have two for the price of one - Matt Davis and his emasculating, irritating wife.

She'd only be emasculating if I was a pussy to begin with, Derbie.