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Monday, December 31, 2007
Mercury Your Resolutions, Please…
Posted by on Mon, Dec 31 at 11:05 AM
LIAR LIAR: Yeah right, you’ll get your fat ass down to the gym…
Every year I make three resolutions: be brave, be honest, and have fun. Although this year for some reason I’m feeling more expansive—perhaps it’s reading artist Tracey Emin’s splendid list in the Independent last week:
Stay sober.Pretty good, eh? Although you can tell she’s just stopped drinking—they’re all so serious. Apart from the obvious (stay married, be even more loving, if possible, towards my emasculating wife) here are mine:Read more.
Turn fat into muscle.
Listen more.
Learn a new skill.
Try to avoid bad situations, or at least not make them worse.
Work harder.
Get closer to the meaningful.
Love more and feel happier in myself.
Let things go.
1.Educate myself. This is the year I get smart about Oregon. I’ve been working frantically since arriving here in April 2006, but the “I’m new here” excuse is starting to wear thin, even on myself, when it comes to understanding what it really takes to get things done in these parts. That means researching and understanding public policy. Yawn.
2.Offend more people, but not just for the sake of it. In case you hadn’t realized, I love pissing people off. Much of the time I’ll behave like an asshole just to get a rise out of people, and it’s a great substitute for doing anything constructive. This year coming, I’d like to offend more people by asking them more thoroughly researched questions in good faith (oddly, this does seem to be considered offensive by many Portlanders) and less people by asking them flippant questions designed only to make their blood boil. That doesn’t mean I’m above writing to the mayor’s spokesman, John Doussard, asking why “resign” isn’t on Tom Potter’s list of engagements for the week, but it does mean trying to get him to see the funny side occasionally.
3.Stay Sober. Not only this, but I’d like to start adopting a preachy, holier-than-thou attitude to the whole deal. When I arrived in Portland I remember telling the editor of this newspaper about my journalistic experience, adding “…and, I’m not an alcoholic, which is a bonus.” Sadly it seems I only meant this by British standards. This year, I’d like to continue replacing stimulants of all kinds with hard work, and one day at a time.
4.Get a byline in the New York Times. It shouldn’t be difficult. After all, they’re long overdue that “Portland: Overrated?” article.
5.Get a stalker. Despite my very best efforts, I still haven’t managed to get anyone to show up at the Mercury offices, armed, and beying for my blood. We did get a brick through the window after the sheep death piece, but clearly, I’m not asking enough tough questions. Come on wayward, lawless Sheriff’s Deputies, I’d expected more of you. What do you want? My home address?!!
6.Grind the Willamette Week into the dust. Just kidding. But how hard can it be, really, when the New Year’s edition poses the front page question “Whatever happened to…?” about itself.
7.Be nice. And scratch #6, I suppose. It seems Portland’ll have to bear with me on these competitive/aggressive impulses for the time being. If it’s any consolation, I’m only playing.
So: What are yours?
Comments
hey i love the merc and all, so how's about this resolution: let go of the merc vs ww stupid catfighting??? you guys look like jerks the more you bring it up
what do you have against WW?
Accept the fact that you are both expanded events calendars. The Mercury just seems to try harder at being a tastemaker, and its not like its a public secret how old that schtick gets.
Well I can't speak for the Mercury, but what I don't like about WW is its arrogant tone, its relentless effort to appear hip when you can tell its editorial staff is pretty out-of-touch, they way they don't cover anyone new or up-and-coming until they're associated with a famous person or until they reach a threshold level of attention at which they have to be covered, the way it concocts these "hard-hitting feature stories" out of nothing and splashes them all over its front page like it's just gotten word of Watergate before anyone else, the fact that Byron Beck writes for them and is anointed some sort of spokesman for queers when I really can't relate or bring myself to care about most of the shit he talks about on a weekly basis, and the fact that the WW letters column is so over-edited and homogenized and conveys the idea that the only readers whose thoughts are worth hearing are those who hold some big public office or are out-of-town celebrities. Whatever issues I may sometimes have with the Mercury - and I am a media hawk, with enough criticism for everyone! - at least they have the balls to publish, week after week, anything their readers want to throw at them, no matter how negative or unflattering. It shows more confidence, in a way, than the insecure, pretentious WW.
Of course, I still read it every week. It keeps me pissed off which continues to inspire me to get out of bed in the morning and trash talk it and plot its eventual downfall!
What were we talking about? New year's resolutions...here are a few of mine.
1. Start drinking goji berry juice, so I can enjoy the startling health benefits of the Himalayan natives.
2. Start playing with Legos again. I used to be so happy.
3. Not log onto MySpace ONCE all summer while I'm working in Glacier Park...it's really becoming an obsession. (Oh, shit I just thought of a better pull quote for my profile!)
4. Begin stalking Ben Whishaw.
5a. Overthrow the WW
5b. Take over Queer Window from Byron Beck and rename it FAGGOT ATTACK
6. Get back on hard drugs. I used to be so happy.
7. Gain 100 lbs. All muscle.
8. Get a movie on the festival circuit.
9. Have my first solo art show.
(Those last two are serious.)
Happy NYE freaks
Mine are the same every year,
1. Drink more.
2. Start smoking.
3. Eat higher fat foods.
4. Gain weight.
I usually do pretty well until about March, and then I start slacking off. This year, I'll try to make it until at least June.
Only one resolution this year: Make sweet love with Matt Davis.
You're only human, J.T. Although I was hoping more for a violent-type stalker than a sexual-type one, it appears at this stage I'm going to have to take whatever I can get.
And numbers 2 and 3, I think I can recommend a publication you'd both prefer reading. Number 4, it's a pity we can't fit your first paragraph on our masthead. But thanks.
Terry, I suspect you're really Shawn Levy. And I promise to come to at least one game next year just to shut you up.
.............................. *
(* = sound of a man not holding his breath)
Merry Everything, mate.
Racist!
An oldie, but goodie! Happy New Year everyone, time for me to take my drunk ass to bed. Night all.
That, er, wasn't me.
Er, maybe it was.
My resolution is to make enough money to buy the mercury and fire Matt Davis (I'm sure he blogs for free; I can't imagine they actually pay him anything). Did everyone read that sheep blog? What a lost little shit he is. He's like that loser kid at school that nobody likes, always so desperate for attention that he will do anything to get people to look at him and acknowledge him. Pathetic POS.
In which case you'd be fulfilling my needs, BrianP. So: Thank you.
#13, sockpuppeting me is SO 2007! Get with the times!
Matt: #6 has already taken place in my heart. WW who?
Tony Tiger: #5a & 5b have to be serious, too, right? I would read FAGGOT ATTACK in a hot minute! Amazing!
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1. make more stuff (tshirts, stencils, furniture)
2. lower total internetting (surfing the web, etc.)
3. make more jokes
4. ride my bike to work more than my automobile
5. limit dinners-out to 1 a week. (that'll be tough)
6. make less fun of vegans
7. lower my student debt by paying more.