Live from the Rose Garden as the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Atlanta Hawks. Atlanta is scary. Not scary with talent, just scary with looks. When I close my eyes at night I see this big fellow. Good lord, you could land a jet on that forehead.

Pre-Game
The Blazers and Hawks tangled last Monday in Atlanta, where the visiting team walked away with a last second win. On paper, the Hawks are pretty similar to the Blazers: A franchise that has seen better days who turns it around with savvy trades and drafts, and who also wears pretty red uniforms. But unlike the Blazers, the Hawks blew it when they got rid of their old logo... RED PAC MAN!

I have to give credit where credit is due, the Hawks have an awesome pregame ceremony. Tons of weird little dances during that introduction that lead to a large circle (think a Junior High breakdancing circle) where one player goes into the middle (the "mush pot," if you will) and struts his stuff. Today is was Tyronn Lue in the middle, doing some sort of twitchy robot number. It's safe to say that the one player least welcome in the middle is Zaza Pachulia.

Come on guys, back home in Tbilisi, Russia, my dance card was many times full with numerous beautiful carnal ladies.

First Quarter:
7:14 - Oh, so it's going to be like this, huh? The Hawks are playing great, with impressive ball movement and tough defense, while the Blazers look like they wish they were still at home, in bed, listening to This American Life.

4:26 - It's not looking good for the home team. Poor transitional defense and lots of easy baskets for Atlanta. Josh Childress checks into the game. Five minutes from now, his afro will check in as well. 22-13 Hawks.

0:00 - Sergio Rodriguez offers a brief ray of hope, in what has otherwise been a craptactular quarter. His driving layup was impressive, but all it does is trim the lead to ten. 29-19 Atlanta.

Second Quarter
10:58 - Sergio, again, provides the spark as he drives and dishes to Travis Outlaw for a mighty two-handed dunk. 32-23 Atlanta.

6:13 - Thanks to Your Legal Partners at Acie Law, an exhausted Blazers bench doesn't chip away too much of the lead. 40-28 Hawxxx.

3:27 - Anyone want to step up and start getting some rebounds? The Hawks are getting far too many second chance points, thanks to a Blazers team that is unable to rebound. Don't make me go in there and start throwing elbows. 46-34 Hawkz.

1:21 - This is ugly. U-G-L-Y. Sheldom Williams at his prom, ugly. The Blazers are shooting 37% from the field, and even that sad number doesn't portray how bad they look right now. Did I mention that Atlanta is not that good? 49-34 Georgia Peaches.

Third Quarter:
9:00 - Well, at least the consistently suck. The Blazers look exhausted, while Atlanta doesn't seem like they're going to start missing shots anytime soon. Ugh. 58-41 Hotlanta.

5:29 - And back come the Blazers on offense, but little good it does since the Hawks keep getting easy baskets on the other end of the court. 66-52 Winged Birds of Georgia.

2:27 - Foul on Anthony Johnson for rocking the bald with a beard look. It's not looking good, the score, and Johnson's beard. 71-56 Birdies.

0:02 - Channing Frye with a huge basket. It looks like a three, but instead his foot was on the line. Bummer. But still, a little momentum going into the last 12 minutes. Do the Blazers have a chance to pull this off? If not, Zaza Pachulia is going to eat his weight in borscht at Ararat.

Fourth Quarter:
9:37 - Let me answer the previous question. No. I mean, they can comeback, but they won't, not like this anyway. Atlanta is just out-playing Portland. 79-67 The Jimmy Carters.

7:53 - Travis Outlaw for three. Yes. Then again. Yes, again. Too bad the Hawks just keep scoring. 83-75 ATL. If they are going to make a run, no time is better than right this very second.

5:57 - Dreaming of bowl after bowl of tasty borscht, Zaza Pachulia hacks Brandon Roy, sending him to the line with a chance to cut the lead to 7. 85-77 Hudson Hawks.

3:15 - James Jones for three! Boom!! Then after a defensive stop, Brandon Roy reveals the Superman "S" on his chest and converts a layup while getting fouled, and finishing his column for the Daily Planet at the same time. Hey Jimmy Olson, take a picture of this comeback! 91-86 (with Roy on the line after this time out), Atlanta Hawkwind.

1:13 - Roy drives and scores. It's down to one basket. 93-91 Hawks.

0:33 - Roy, again, with a slicing drive and another UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE layup. We have a tie game. Wow. 93-93.

0:08 - I am getting tired of saying these two words: BRANDON ROY. Now on defense, he smothers Joe Johnson who airballs his shot. Blazers with 8 seconds to win, or go to overtime.

0:02 - Roy fouled with a chance to put this away. Two shots coming up. He MISSES! One more to go... makes it. 94-93 Blazers, but Atlanta will have one final shot to get this win.

0:00 - Airball from Joe Johnson!!! Somehow, on a game they were not supposed to win, the Blazers come away with a 94-93 win.