Live from the Rose Garden as—for the fourth time in the last 26 days—the Portland Trail Blazers take on the Utah Polygamist Punishers Jazz.

Thanks to David Stern’s drunken schedule making, league rivals Portland and Utah have all of their games awkwardly crammed together in this small period of time. But tonight’s match-up is the final time these two teams will meet this season.

And ever.

Since Brigham Young will soon ascend from the puffy clouds of heaven and smite us all. Oh sorry, I’ve been watching a lot of Big Love recently.

Pre-Game:
There is some question to whether or not Brandon Roy will play tonight, after that pounding he took in Chicago, but Utah is equally shorthanded, as Andrei "AK-47" Kirilenko is out with a back injury. The Jazz are always a difficult team to play here in...OH MY FREAKING GOD!

HE'S HERE!!!!

Those raised cheekbones, playfully seductive hair and delicate skin—KYLE KORVER IS IN THE HOUSE! I'm trying to hold it together, but as Korver's favorite band ever once said, you can't fight this feeling.

1st Quarter:
9:07 - LaMarcus Aldridge with a nice teardrop jump shot and it's 8-4 Portland.

5:54 - Well, to this point, it's the LaMarcus Aldridge show, which makes sense, seeing how he loves him some Jazz. He dropped 36 points on them a few nights back. So far the big guy has 8 points, and this game is shaping up to be quick-moving and high scoring. Two things you seldom associate with playing a tough team like Utah. 14-11 Portland.

2:44 - Aldridge, again. Getting a little tired of that dude hoggin' the bloggin', if you know what I mean, but he's putting on a show. And dribbling the ball off his foot. A little of both. Hey Utah Coach Jerry Sloan, put in Kyle Korver so I can talk about something other than LaMarcus. 18-17 Blazers.

0:20 - I feel like my whole life has been leading up to this—Kyle Korver has entered the game. My loyalties are being tested, who do I cheer for? 23-22 Utah.

2nd Quarter:
10:47 - Korver for three! And while he shot the ball, a small bluebird landed on his shoulder and whistled a sweet tune. 25-23 Utah.

7:59 - Korver missed (huh?) a jump shot, thus showing that there is clearly something wrong with the ball. Or the rim. Or the sick sense of humor of God. 27-25 Jazz

4:43 - Steve Blake aimlessly dribbles the ball around and then watches the shot clock expire. Then Utah's Paul Milsap knocks down a three point play, all the while Kyle Korver wrestles away the t-shirt gun from Blaze and hunts down Osama Bin Laden with it. He is beyond perfection. 36-31 Jazzercise.

0:34 - Travis Outlaw swats Carlos Boozer is a big way. Guess he won't be renting from him anytime soon. Utah keeps the pressure on, and Steve Blake ends up on his back under the basket. On your feet, baldy! 42-39 Jazzmatazz.

0:00 - Enough about basketball, and even Kyle Korver, because there is something really appalling going on right now. Maybe because the wholesome Utah folks are in town, but tonight's halftime entertainment is "The Skywriters," a ridiculous duo of trampoline jumpers. They strap on a snowboard, on the trampoline! They pass a ball to each other, on a trampoline! They flip and twirl! Extreme! I feel like I'm in a G-rated David Lynch movie.

3rd Quarter:
11:32 - 28 seconds in and the Blazers have two fouls against them and Brandon Roy on the pine, as he didn't start the second half. Uh-oh.

8:02 - Martell. Martell. Martell. Martell Webster! He knocks down four straight baskets, too bad Utah is just as hot. 57-50 Jazz.

5:52 - Jealous of how hot he is, Kyle Korver fouls Martell Webster during a three point attempt. Oh, silly Kyle, he's a different kind of hot. Jeez. Three shots coming up for Webster, and chance for Portland to take the lead. 61-59 Utah.

4:14 - Martell Webster is kind of freaking me out right now. He had 2 points at the start of the quarter, he has 22 right now. Woah! 67-61 Martell Websters.

1:40 - Usually an entire quarter without your star player (Brandon Roy) is a bad thing, but thanks to the godly play of Webster, it's 71-62 Portlandia.

0:00 - Just to recap the Martell Webster insanity we all just witnessed.
This quarter: Martell Webster - 24 points. Utah 22 points.

4th Quarter:
9:49 - Kyle Korver with a swat of Martell Webster. It's like god and god crime. 79-73 Portland.

7:37 - Brandon Roys is M.I.A., off the bench, and somewhere in the locker room watching Ghost Whisperer. But if the Blazers keep holding it down, they can get the big win without their best player. 85-73 Blazers.

5:42 - Sergio Rodriduez had a breakaway all by himself. There was not a thing around him but some tumbleweed, and he still did not dunk. I don't care if he has to borrow a trampoline from "The Skywriters," I want to see a dunk from him. 91-75 Portland.

2:45 - This is getting ugly, but the sold-out crowd is getting free Mexican "food." 101-81 Portland. This win will push them into a first place tie with Denver. First place Blazers basketball? And it's not just on your PlayStation? Or in your dreams? Or in the '90s? Damn.

0:00 - Another game, another win. After the BIG streak, the Blazers are working on another run. Third game in a row.
Portland 103, Utah 89 .

Keep in mind the Blazers had less than 40 points at the half, so to finish with over 100 is pretty impressive. Hell, this whole season has been impressive.